September 20th, 2006

Approval Whore

Posted in My Life, Wellness, Anxiety/Depression by n. mallory | .

I’ve been thinking about it for the last few days. It’s normal, I think, to grow up, seeking approval from your parents, your Sunday School teacher, your school teachers, your bosses. I think it’s natural to want their respect, their approval. You want to please them. You want them to be happy with the things you do. Obviously with the teachers and the bosses there are benefits like grades and financial things that come with the approval.

That is normal approval seeking.

But I think all of my life or at least as long as I can remember, I’ve been desperately wanting the approval of these other people…most of them never give it to me and that has caused this aching void in me. Sometimes the pain isn’t so bad. Sometimes I barely notice it. Some days like the last few, it’s as if it’s swallowing me up into a great nothingness and I’m not even me anymore. Not so much that I want to die. Just that I don’t feel I am at all.

Who are these people? Who have they been?

They are the prettiest girls, the smartest, the most popular, the best writers, the wittiest, the best singers, the seemingly most nicest, the most independent, the most successful, the seemingly most mature, the trendiest, the most outspoken, the most judgemental, the most talented, the nicest smiles, the cutest boys, the most eccentric, the most free-spirited, the most sought after for attention, the most creative, the best athletes, the best dressed, the snarkiest, the ones who seem to be on pedestals already holding court when I arrive. They’re the ones who barely notice me and who protest if I point that fact out.

And for some bizarre reason, I always believe, that we can be friends if they gave me the time of day, but they don’t really even give me respect and then they make me feel guilty for bothering them in the first place with my silly little desires like breathing on Earth…and I try to hold my breath for them to make them happy…anything to make them happy…and I wonder what it is that’s wrong with me that I’m not good enough for their attention, approval, or respect.

And the ache continues in the void.

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One comment

  1. on September 20, 2006 at 4:23 pm

    Tamara said:

    Oh, no. *HUGS* I don’t even know what to say. I’ve been there, hon. I wish I could help. Email me if you want.

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