heavy As A Really Heavy ThingPunky Bruster: Cooked on Phonics
Released: 1996


Written, Produced, Recorded by Devin Townsend

Devin Townsend (Dr. Skinny) - Main vocals, guitar
JR Harder (Squid Vicious) - Bass
Adrian White (Burns) (Dances With Chickens) - Drums

Additional voices and musicians:
Chris Valago (E. Val Mescal)
Jed Simon (Ace Longback)
Byron Stroud (Stoolie B Flames)
Bob Wagner (Velvet Kevorkian)
and many more...

01. Recipe for Bait
02. Fake Punk
03. EZ$$
04. Metal Dilemma
05. Oats Peas Beans & Barley
06. Wallet Chain
07. Heinous Anus
08. Heavy Metal Mama
09. Crustys at the Ivanhoe
10. Picture of Myself
11. The Girls Next Door
12. Larry's O
13. Metal Heads are Punk Rockers


01. Recipe for bait

We're not metal anymore
We're the punky rockin' whores!
Born to make the girls go crazy
Let us in the latest fad
Recipe for bait
We're not metal anymore
We're the punky rockin' whores!
Born to make the girls go crazy
Let us in the latest fad
We'll be the best you've ever had!
Even thought we're losers baby!
(This music) scares the hell right out of me!

Even thought it makes you feel alright
You're not punk and you never will be!
- And you put a number on us all!

Oh, don't it make you mad?
Oh, don't it make you sad?
It's everything I hate
So I'm here lying on the floor
'Cause I can't fake it through the door
I've learned the recipe for bait!

It's everything you're meant to be
Stuff Mom and Dad will never see
My excuses to be lazy!
'Cause we're not babies anymore!
Gonna start a fucking war!
Anything to make you crazy!!
(Generation) X is a consumer fallacy!
(And I hear you say) Why push yourself if there's no hope at all?
Well just count the things you'll never be
And pass them over as you fall!!!

I've gotta get now to a phone
I can't stand another minute alone
'Cause I've got to know who's making it right now!

02. Fake punk

This here's a song about the things you don't find in nature
This here's a tale about conditions of the head
At one time I wanted to expand my education but
Now I'll make more money if I dye my hair instead.

'Cause I've gotta be more punk, and forget about writing love songs
And even though I'm a middle class white Canadian
God knows I've been done wrong
'Cause I'm a fake punk! I'm a fake punk!
I'll even use a dirty word, I'll even write a mean song,
I'll even take a mean picture
'Cause I've got the hair for it!

I've always tried to dig myself out of the sewer
I've always strived to be a little bit more well-read
But oh no! Here comes that rock press interviewer so,
I'll just look real tough and say fuck a lot instead

I'd be alright if I could just hang out with my girlfriend
I'd be just fine if they would close down all the bars
And maybe one day I'll join a protest against smoking
But when it comes to sincere angst you can just
Leave me the fuck alone!

03. Ez$$

It took two minutes
To piece these three lame riffs together
It it's the same crap that's selling loads
So it may just make my life a little better.
- Punk! Punk! Punk!
(Get out of my way!)
I ain't a metal guy no more!

Sitting in my room all day, thinkin' about you.
I've got so many bills to pay, so hey,
I've got some punk rockin' to do!
- Punk! Punk! Punk!
(Is A.O.K.)

- We tried metal but it didn't work so
Let us in on the punk rock dough!

Give me some of that easy money!
Give me some of that cash!
Two chords later and a house is paid for
Let me in on that punk rock cash!

I used to be, a kid at university
But that won't pay for the punk life that was meant for me
There's money to be had
So you know that I'll be wearing plaid
This ain't going to be
A punk rock monopoly!
- Punk! Punk! Punk!
(We've always been there)
- Gonna shave off all my feathered hair!-
Iron Maiden? Who the hell are they?
I've always listened to D.O.A.!

04. Metal dilemma

I grew up on heavy metal!
You can't listen to heavy metal!
All my friends liked heavy metal!
All your friends were morons!
Please don't make me cut my hair!
All the cool kidz cut their hair!
But now there's shitty music everywhere!
You're not supposed to care because it's

Punk rock! Punk rock!
Punk rock! Punk rock!
Punk rock! Punk rock!
Punk rock! Punk rock!

It's hard to tell what music's cool
Whatever sells the biggest rules!
I still find Krokus kinda cool!
Damn your metal roots, boy!
But none of these bands even know how to play!
We'll take it over Yngwie any day!
Okay, good point, but what's it called?!?
It's the latest thing, we'll call it

Punk rock! Punk rock!
Punk rock! Punk rock!
Punk rock! Punk rock!
Punk rock! Punk rock!

I know that I should like it but my roots get in the way!!!

Let me play it, I won't tell!
You can't listen to heavy metal!
C'mon give me one more metal yell!
I don't wanna be a punk rocker!
A heavy metal punk rocker!
I'm gonna try much harder now to get my metal heard heavy metal now!

05. Oats peas beans & barley

I turn around from whining sounds
Don't give us shit for making it
If your band's not signed, don't put us down!
Try playing hard, you stupid clown!

It's Poison with some different hair
It's crap that comes from everywhere
It's stupid, loser K-mart rap!
With more concern for coloured hair than music.

Wanna be a rock star! Have a limo with a juice bar!
With an undisputed killer for a girlfriend
So I guess I'd better
Spit it! Barf it! Spew it! Sell it! Roast it! Toast it!

Oats, peas, beans and barley will grow!
Why we sell nobody knows!
You can say just how you feel
But look who's got the record deal!

06. Wallet chain

Every fuckin' body's got a wallet chain
Trading Iron maiden for a wallet chain
Trading heavy metal for a toque and Loreal
I've got a bad damn feeling music's going to hell

Gotta go to Compton for a wallet chain
Suburban fucking gangsters and their wallet chains
With music hard as disco but without the brain
I saw Elvis in a mohawk and it wasn't the same

Give it to me! Give it to me!
(Gonna look punk eventually.)
Liberty! Liberty!
Ain't nobody gonna mess with me!

I used to practice guitar 8 hours a day
But knowing music theory just doesn't pay
So now I've gotta get a skateboard or I won't get laid
I'm so hard core but my curfew's 8!

Money for free! Money for free!
(I get it from my mommy so money's free)
Bangin' my knee! Bangin' my knee!
Sixty hefty links of chain are bangin' my knee

Gonna go get myself a wallet chain!
Trading Iron Maiden for a wallet chain!
You'll never look punk until you get a chain!
You're not a real "gangsta" without that chain!
Wallet chain! Wallet chain!
I got a wallet chain because money is everything!
Take it from me! Take it from me!
(No one's gonna take my damn wallet from me!)
Wait and see! Wait and see!
Everyone will have a chain eventually!

07. Heinous anus

10 am, and I hit the alarm
It's been 5 short hours since I tied one on
And on the way to the kitchen for my morning cup
I gotta run to the can before my bowels erupt

Grab my knees and howl like a dawg
I've got a 12 inch long jalapeño log
You can keep that Thai, yeah I think I'll pass
I ain't got a week to nurse my ass!!!

I just want a normal stool!
Hey, hey, hey, heinous anus!

I've been on the throne all day
I can't face the world in any other way
Help me out,
I wanna be someone who
Doesn't start the morning with a molten poo!!!

I don't want this screaming hoop!!!
Hey, hey, hey, heinous anus!

08. Heavy metal mama

I just met the woman of my dreams!
She says she's punk, but she's metal enough for me!!!
Well! She's gonna be my Molly Maid!
Clean me up and you'll have it made!
There's metal in your nose, so you're metal enough for me!

I just met a woman with some style
She says "piercing's punk" but it's metal all the while
Well! She's gonna be my Betty Boop!
A metal chick has always got the scoop
C'mon now Baldy, make a punker out of me!
Well! It's not anything at all! Give it up before you fall!

I need a girl like you!
I need metal through and through!
I need a woman like you!
I need a heavy metal mama!

09. Crusty's at the Ivanhoe

10. Picture of myself

Woke up this morning, didn't like what I seen
I looked about as normal as I've ever been
But I gathered today that I would be a star
So I get myself ready to enjoy the part

I'm only in love, with a picture of myself
I'm only in love with a little girl

Decided today to get the proper shoes
$80 Vans and an ADIDAS suit
Now the chicks will all dig me 'cause I look quite hip
Sulking and tripping on my bottom lip

I'm only in love, with a picture of myself
I'm only in love with the little girl
I'm only in love, with the picture of myself
I'm only in love with that little girl

Now I've got myself in with the latest style
And the people at the mall today have made a pile
So I'm back on my way to my parents' home
So I can tell someone I need a little time alone

I'm only in love, with the picture of myself
I'm only in love with a little girl
I'm only in love, with a picture of myself
I'm only in love, I'm only in love,
I'm only in love with myself

11. The girls next door

Welcome boys and to the rock and roll high school
Lesson #1 us where to put your tongue
Lesson #2 is what you do with your tool
And watch the fringe benefits come second to none!

Graduates from the old rock and roll high school
Pretend they're still rebellious with a video pose
The uneducated spew some lame political view
And the punks will look like hunks in their endorsement clothes!

So hey, let's rock, and put out a little corporate schlock!
To play, just get the call, then keep your eye on the friggin' ball
'Cause that's all... that's all!

Listen boys and girls to the rock and roll motto
It's fun to spend your money, just take it from me
And don't cry "foul" for us admitting this cash cow
The "revolution" is a capitalist industry!
So, hey, let's rock, and talk a little corporate talk!
I say, you'll never fall, when your face is pressed against the wall!

If what it takes to rock, is to suck a little corporate cock
Well, hey everybody, we'll be the girls next door!
If what it takes to score, is to be a corporate whore
We're already there!

(Mid section) Come on out to the Brüster spend-a-long
Buy a T-shirt and it'll make you feel like you're part of an elite clique
While directly paying for our advertising!

Hey hey! We passed, now everyone can kiss our ass!!!
And we'll appeal to a need
Where one never used to be

'Cause what it takes to rock is to suck some corporate cock
So, hey everybody, we'll be the girls next door!
And what it takes to score, is to be a corporate whore
So, hey Borivoj, we'll be the girls next door!
So, hey Monte Conner, we'll be the girls next door!
So, hey Pepsi-Cola, we'll be the girls next door!
So, hey Cliff Cultreri, we'll be the girls next door!!!

12. Larry's O

Larry was a pessimist, I wanna be like Larry
He bore the burden of a soul that's always burning
And says "every one should be like me!"
Well it's easy to be an anarchist
When you've got record companies to pay for it
You're no rebel if you're playing by the rules

Larry's O, he need no fucking dough
Anarchy's the way, oh he's really not that sorry
Larry's old, and just like some little girls
Oh, I guess we all get in his way

Larry was a drunken mess, and sometimes I'd rather be like Larry
But he sees me staying sober and he'll lose it all together
And then Larry wants to be like me

Yeah, it's a real triumph that I seem distressed
I'm not pissed, I'm just unimpressed
And the reason I don't care is 'cause it's all been done before
Larry's road, it's really getting old, am I in your way?
Oh I'm really really sorry

Larry's old, but acts like a little girl
Oh I guess it all gets in the way
Larry knows, I'm just doing this for the dough
And you better hope this makes no money
'Cause we've got four album options
Larry's O, just like him and he knows,
But, oh, the joke is getting old