So as expected, it's been a long time between entries. I actually had a trip to the US during my that time ... in May.  I was lucky enough to be able to go to the E3 expo, which was awesome.  I got to see the Advent Children trailer and play heaps of unreleased games like Final Fantasy XII.  FFXII is kind of weird though, took some getting used to the battle system.  A bit like FFXI, although I haven't really played FFXI apart from what I played at E3. But E3 is just so huge ... and so loud, and so busy. Anyone who plays games really should get there if they can.  It's a pity it's an industry only event though ... so it's difficult for most people to go.

I actually have a new ambition in life now ... I want to work for a gaming company. I got inspired from E3 and I'd really like to see if I can get into the industry now. There's not much over here in Australia though, but it doesn't hurt to try. Might have to go back to school though and take a course in CG or something like that. But it would be fun. I'm getting sick of working, so I wouldn't mind studying again. Just the money might be a pain. And finding time of course.

And I feel like I am the luckiest person in the world. Well not really, but I got to go to the Dear Friends concert!!!  I couldn't believe my luck though.  It was an hour before the show and I was standing in the standby queue [had lined up since 3pm] and it didn't look like they were going to make any more tickets available. There was this guy behind me who had travelled from Canada with son [his son had a ticket but he didn't]. Anyways, he spotted this guy who looked like he was selling tickets, and he was. He had two tickets for sale and only wanted $10 more than face value [unlike the high prices that eBay had].  The tickets were wonderful, Row A right in the center [not right at the front as that was AA]. And I got to shake Nobuo Uematsu's hand when he was coming on stage. The whole concert was so impressive and the music was amazing performed live.

I also visited Oddworld Inhabitants when I was in the US. It was great to meet up with them all again. They gave me the VIP treatment and I got to play the upcoming Stranger game. So I was like the first person to play it outside the company [as the gaming press only got to play it last week]. Everyone there is so sweet, they are really nice people and I'm glad that I got to know them through my Oddworld site.

Advent Children.net has grown. It's getting expensive with the bandwidth though. It was getting 18000 unique a day last week.  I might have to try and find a way to fund the site.  I didn't ever think that it would take off this way.  I've got a wonderful staff on the site though. They're all so helpful and do a lot for me.  I don't know what I'd do without them. *hugglez them*  I was also amazed as that other site gave us credit for scans the other day ... I almost died of shock actually.

I made a new friend recently too. Amy from Colorado. We really hit it off and spend hours talking on voice chat. She's a Sephiroth fan too, altough she told me I'm a bigger fan than she is.  *grin* But she's so nice. We have so much in common too, apart from Sephiroth, like the same taste in music and games and stuff.  And she's 26, so it's great to meet someone my age that is a FF fan. It's just annoying that all the good friends I make live in the US.

Also one of my best friends told me she has cancer and has only a year to live. I really was upset by that, as I love her so much. She means a lot to me, and although I've never met her, I feel like I've known her a lifetime. I was in tears when she told me, and I was really upset for a few days afterwards. I guess i just have to make the most of the time that she has left on the earth. Although she's accepted her fate, so at least it will be easier for her to handle. I won't put her name here though. I hate the thought she may not be here in a year though. Sometimes I wonder too, as I feel that I have some "other" feelings about her ... but they don't happen that much, just occasionally.

FFE finally closed down. Roth couldn't get access to the site anymore, so he closed the forums. So I guess I don't have to worry about being mod anymore. Although miss the place already, was sad to see it go. Was the first FF place I stayed at for years. But I have caught up on things a lot lately, which is great, cause I was really behind when I got back to the US.  I just wish I could get motivated for work [as in my job], I just so don't feel like doing it anymore. I think it's going to end soon though, but then I'll have to find something else.

I wanted to talk about how I'd been feeling depressed lately too.  I don't really know why.  Things have been going well in my life lately, but for some reason I just haven't been feeling very good. I wake up in the worst mood and feel really down.  I'm not even going to use my love for Sephy as an excuse for this ... because I don't think that is the reason. He's what helps to cheer me up. But it's like a horrible feeling just hanging over me. Not as bad as the depression I went through with tht relationship I referred to earlier ... it's nowhere near that.  But it's just a real gloomy and downing feeling.  And nothing really seems to be able to get me out of it.

Well ... now owuld be the time I'd probably start writing about Sephiroth. The whole reading those comments has kind of made me not want to say anything. Although I should be saying "fuck them" ... because if I let people like that get to me, then I are't following what I believe in, and I'm letting them win.  So yeah, maybe I will write something about Sephiroth again.  Just to prove that I aren't going to let a few immature comments get to me.


I guess lately I have been going into a stage of acceptance. Just accepting things as they are being a lot more sensible about things. I don't go as "crazy" as I used to. I more just think of him a lot. Some of the intensity has worn off a little bit, although not completley ... it comes in spurts at times too. Although that doesn't say that I don't have just as much feelings as I have always had.  Deep feelings that I cannot get rid of even if I were to try.  And I still miss him dearly and long to be with him more than ever. They always stay there, always present.  I just love him so much.  And really, who does know what is out there. There is much unexplained in this world ... or universe. Maybe a Sephiroth, my Sephiroth, does exist out there. Someone made a comment that he mightn't have silver hair or a long sword. That could be true ... he might just be that "normal person" like you and me. Maybe someone that is a huge Sephiroth fan, or someone that looks a little like him and has a similar personality. We do not know. I actually read a theory once [it's only a theory and probably many people will think it's crackpot] ... that every story, every character that is made up ... is actually out there.  I know that sounds really far fetched and is probably unlikely. But who knows. What if it were there, and the world of FFVII existed. It doesn't hurt to hope that the theory might be true. Of course those idiots that give me bad comments will read this and say "she's crazy", but if you think that you're not reading it properly as I'm speculating and hoping, not saying it is fact.  There's a difference.

One thing that has been wonderful lately is the return of the dreams. I've been dreaming of him a bit lately. I always like it when I wake up and remember my dreams with him in it. However they haven't been the realistic dreams, but still remembering is a positive. Although I also long for those dreams to be real when they happen. How I wish it could be that way. How I wish that dreams were true. But alas, they are not, so I just must go on wishing. I love him so much ... to have him would be the perfect reality. If I had one wish I know that it would be for him. My sweet Sephiroth who I love so much.

Actually, someone also left a comment and wanted to know how I became such a fan of Sephiroth.  So I'll share it here. A few years ago I played FFVII for the first time and although I loved the game, I didn't think much of Sephy [I usually hate bad guys in games/movies]. So anyways, I finished the game and it wasn't until a few months later I started having an interest in him. Just little things at first, like saving pictures and that. And soon I found that I had a crush on him. It's funny, cause I even said to myself that I shouldn't be loving him [but again, you can't help who you love]. That went on for several months, and then I met my exBF and I started losing interest in Sephiroth. But then a year and a half later when I split with my exBF, it was Sephiroth that I returned to. For some reason I found that my love for him was so much more stronger than it was the first time around. As the months passed, I started developing feelings that I didn't think were possible in a "non-real" relationship. I couldn't control these feelings.  I didn't ask for them to happen.  They just happened, so I didn't fight them, I just let them be and they manifested themselves to be the feelings that I feel for him today.