DoingTheCaveman

Passing the first goal, and so finally some pics

First another before before photo. 

BEFORE WEIGHT LOSS (17 stone):

The best way to record your journey is surely by a photo record, but of course I didn't want to put up pics at the beginning.  Since I've hit a goal this week I thought it was finally time that I should come out with a few before and afters.  Yes finally.  Only to find I have managed to mislay the worst of the worst and the ones I'm about to show you aren't me at my heaviest.  I see if I can unearth more another time.  So here we are (2005 - top, following illness and i'm not sure if you can see at the top but this is when I started to lose my hair).  In blue t-shirt Turkey 04)

 

APRIL 2008 (13 stone 12 pounds):

TODAY - OCTOBER O8 (12 stone 9 lb), excuse the bad smile:

Passing the first goal

Well I still have some way to go and it's taken me a while to get here but this week and reached and then zoomed past my first goal.  To reach 12 stone and 12 pounds (180 lb).  I set it at this weight because that was the weight I was when I married and that was the last time I was below that weight.  Anyway, this morning I weighed 12 stone and 9 pounds.  Anyway, that's my little update.  I hope to get back to my blog after my move which, all being well, should happen at the end of the week.  As I've now lost over 4 stone I think I'll start posting some progress pics shortly.  Take care all....

There's been a shift

Yep, I'm almost at my first goal (12 stone 12 pounds).  But that's not the shift, the shift is actually the way i've been feeling the last couple of weeks and the comments I had from a colleague today.  The last couple of weeks have been quite awful as I suddenly seem to be having trouble with sleeping.  I've been lucky to get 5 hours, but one night over a week ago I actually couldn't not sleep the entiree night.  Don't know what's going on there but I feel incredibly energetic, high.  Plus the last couple of weeks in the library have been literally working in a chain gain shifting stock from one end to the other in 3 hour shifts.  It's fast moving and heavy so not exactly as if I haven't been burning energy. 

Anyway, back to the comments;  this morning my colleague (and she's a very fit little French lady so I take it as a true compliment from her) said and rrepeated herself several times.  She didn't say  - you've lost weight but instead - you seem to have so much energy, you're so vibrant and full of vitality - Weehee -  I do actually feel fantastic and have been jogging up and down the 4 flights of stairs at the library instead of plodding.  Yay.

The staff canteen finally has competition

Hi, excuse my lack of posting.  This one is really just me checking in.  Day-to-day life has been keeping me away but nothing else. Despite that I'm doing quite really well with my weight-loss at the moment.  Completely back on track. I really couldn't call it a diet now because my food choices happen naturally and I don't feel that I'm constantly at war with myself.  I'm also meeting the goal of a walking break rather than coffee breaks at work.  More exciting than that, if you remember my complaints that the staff canteen is just awful, yellow/white stodge, even the salads, Well, as if just for me a raw food cafe has opened round the corner.  Yep a raw food cafe, guys.  Since I'm living out of boxes at the moment we're now on first name terms, it's my daily haunt and am having my main meal of the day here at the moment..  I am in a little bit of heaven, I love the food and because of their ethics I know I can trust that there will be absolutely nothing in their food I wouldn't otherwise eat.  Plus I'm finding it quite satiating, as in I don't really need to eat much else in the evening or for breakfast.  I'm not choosing to fast, just not really wanting to eat.  I hadn't mentioned my weight for a while because it had moved back up a little to 13 stone 11 lb.  Daily trips to the raw food cafe, and loving it, has brought my weight down in just a couple of weeks to 13 stone, and I think soon I may just hit my first goal, whoopee...

Exercise:  I am submitting to the idea that I really do need to start some more formal exercise. Good intentions just to seem to be good enough because it doesn't happen.  I need to make appointments to keep.  It takes me a little while to research places and decide exactly what I will be taking up so in the meantime I am doing something every day called 'The Tibetan Rejuvenation Rites'.  Yes, I think it was the name that caught my attention and there is a nice little story that goes with them, but it's basically a set of exercises to daily and I am managing to keep to this.

Food:  It's all a bit extravagant but I'm finding it really awkward at home to do my own thing food wise, you may have picked up on this but since I moved out of my flat I'm bunking down at my parents.  It was great for the first month or so but now while I got my life sorted but now I am getting a bit of cabin fever.

Home: Regarding the above living arrangements I have good news here too. I know it's not the best of times to be doing this but I am in the process of buying a new home.  It's not in Devon it's actually in Brighton, would you believe.  It seems wiser to stay with my job which is quite secure, plus my social life is growing here a little so I'm not sure I want to up sticks at the moment.  I'll still have to travel a little but it's not like the ridiculous commute I was doing.  I'm hoping to be in quite soon.  It's a new build so completion may actually be as soon as the 10th October. 

So just to update my ongoing blogging break my news is all good, and I'll keep updating in this style for the time being.

The tomorrow - I'll - syndrome

WOW!! My shocked parents 40 years ago.   

 

 

Horah, the day went off without a hitch - British weather and all.  Everyone appeared to enjoy the day, myself included!! Probably because I ended in the best place for those who are NOT social butterflies - imprisoned in the kitchen all day.  Despite the invitations being sent fairly late (only about 6 weeks ago) of 100 people invited 80 people made it.  Myself and family friend catering for 80 people meant there was no escape from the kitchen, literally until the end of the day.  But those that I'd wanted to see sought me out in my little cave anyway. 

I dare not take any blood sugars today -  if I did I'd probably be hospitalized!!  Yesterday at 3 pm as things were calming I realized that I'd been so busy from the moment I woke up that I hadn't even had a sip of water all day!! let alone food.  So when I finally did eat just the left overs remained - but there was plenty of them and have been hoovering up leftovers ever since.  I'm afraid the fact that I'm diabetic hasn't really featured in my food choices.  Tomorrow I'll have a fresh start and with that I've identified a little problem that I have to address the 'Tomorrow - I'll -syndrome'.

When I go to bed I have plan out my intentions for the following day.  The day arrives, I forget, fail, feel like shite and then plan out good intentions for the next day. I fear that the potential bad habits could re-form if I don't get a grip on this.  The problem seems to be completely forgetting my resolve from the previous night when I hit a tea-break, boredom and maybe lower blood sugar. 

Time for tea:

In the past I have had jobs where lunch was a snatched bite and the work continued well into the evening, a factor I'm sure one as to why I gained weight.  In contrast, my current position I'm extremely lucky with the working hours and fairly generous annual leave given and breaks during the day. However, 9/10 times I don't really don't tend to use this time particularly constructively.  Since adopting a paleo WOE  I usually end up staying at my workspace using the time on personal computer stuff, sometimes I buy a paper or book,  but more often than not I take a break with a colleague and we'll nip next door to the cafe.  Naturally, as you'd expect, paleo eaters are not being catered for (BTW, I do rarely break paleo but I do find this stressy).

Tea breaks are compulsary, and despite being thankful to the work of the unions for acquiring these to be completely honest at the moment I'm finding them a bit of a nuisance.  I don't work in the center of town.  In fact, the campus I work at is slap bang in one of the middle of one most undesirable estates in the area, so venturing out is not really and attractive or inspiring option.  Dare I say this but only for the brave.  Otherwise there's really not a lot to do when you get away from the desk apart from go to the cafe.

I did mention my bad relationship with said cafe once before in relation to the incredible savings I was making from withdrawing my custom.  However, there was previously no where to go without sitting in the cafe and purchasing something.  Recently though the uni has finally added some seating away from cafe where you can go without buying anything.  It's been great, but the students are still on their summer  break and once they're back we won't get a look in on this space.  

So one rejoins the sugar addicts, the caffeine addicts or the other group standing in the rain puffing away on their little white sticks.

I'm setting a challenge this week, weather permitting, in a bid to excape the cafe.  The plan is to just take a brisk walk around the boundaries.  I know that the habits are there and it can be so easy to forget my good intentions from night before.  Tonight I'm going write out positive statements on crib cards to remind myself that during my weak pre-tea break time that I won't be taking tea. The cards will be perched them in-front of my keyboard.  Hopefully they'll serve the purpose of reminding myself that, when everyone else is disappearing to the cafe, for me tea break will be be walk break.  Lets see how many circuits one can do around the car-park within the given two fifteen minute breaks.

Rubies

Please excuse my absence, I've been busy.  The reason being that my parents are celebrating 40 years together and I've involved been in the celebration preparations.  Split into two parts with a garden party tomorrow and another event in October (luckily with the British weather that's proving to be very British they'll be a couple of marquees, if they're still there tomorrow with the galeforce winds forecast for tomorrow).  I'm really not looking forward to it, not only is the weather in the UK dire I'm not feeling particularly sociable.  I've already been challenged all week with not being able to access my own paleo food and I'm now dreading being faced with tables of party/junk food and people who know me, but I can't for the life of me remember them (and I'm sure thinking to themselves what a shame I've put on so much weight).  That probably sounds a completely self-absorbed but as a product of 40 years union you'd want to be someone your parents would be proud of, and weight wise/appearance I don't feel that way at the moment.  Hence, at the moment I'm being a real party pooper and am finding it extremely difficult to muster up the enthusiasm required to celebrate the day and play the part expected of me.

 

Look to the left

I've been brave.  Finally, I have up a photo of myself. Althoug it is my before, before photo. It's one taken at the beginning of my journey to obesity, and I was around 2 (28 lb) stone over my ideal weight and the extra chin was beginning to emerge. I felt pretty terrible about myself at the time it was taken, little was I to know how bad it was going to get:( 

When I talked about photos before it's one the last photos taken that I felt I could recognise myself.  Ever since I've found myself pretty much disconnected from the stranger in the pics, hence no current photos. 

When I do (hopfully) recognise myself in a current photo that will be the time I post my befores and afters.

Reactions

This morning began with a bang.  Quite literally at 6 am was just waking up to hear a quiet skid, a huge thump and the gut wrenching sound of crushing metal.  My heart sunk because it's a sound that's been heard too many times before.  The end of our lane is an accident black-spot from which we've excaped many close shaves. 

Knowing that there was unlikely to be anyone else around at this time of the morning we went out to investigate, but couldn't have prepared ourselves for what was to be found.  On past occasions there's been an accident here those involved have been wandering around, dazed but in one piece, and at least have been able to reassure them etc. Today though, when we rounded the corner to be one of the first on the scene of the most horrific accident.  The engine of the car had flown into the middle of the field, the side of the car wasn't there and the seats - well I don't know where they were, they'd completely disappeared.  Three teenagers had been thrown out of the car and were lying, unconscious,  some 20 meters apart on opposite sides of the road.  One lad I found hidden in the hedge and was completely scalped.  To be honest I wouldn't be surprised to find that there is a shrine at the end of the road over the next week or so, because it wasn't looking too good. (Update - 9 pm. Boy described is critical).

Amazingly the first car to appear that I flagged down turned out to be an off duty policeman on his way to his shift, f-l-u-k-y!  But the 10 or so minutes it took for the emergency services to arrive seemed like a lifetime.  As I type now at 6.30 pm the road, which is a major route, is still closed.

Anyway sorry to be getting that off my chest in a weight loss blog.  It's been a bizarre kind of a day. The scene keeps flashing back, and thoughts of how they are, what's happening to them and their parents have been coming to me all day.  I have uttermost respect for the emergency professions who attend accidents like this as part of their day-to-day work.

Reactions: I think as a direct result I've done something terrible, but maybe have found an answer.  Could it be that today's events have answered some of my questions about how I came to develop such compulsive eating habits.  I'm pondering whether over the years I was eating badly was as a reaction of being in a to a constant state of stress.  Why?  Well what did I do following the accident  was go direct to went to M & S,  bought 2 packets of chocolate biscuits, locked myself in and pretty much ate the entire lot.  I really don't feel as if I was really 'there' when I bought them, I don't know how they came to land in the basket alongside my fruit.  Maybe it's because I haven't done anything like this for so long and this particular gorging event has only just happened I'm able to look right back into the act and realize that it took me to another place - a calming, numbing and soothing place.  Were the past bad eating habits a way of pasting over and anesthetising myself out of life?

The weavers derriere

BE WARNED

This is what you get if you sit around blogging too much.

Day 3.

Too much sitting means you can't sit any more and honestly will be back soon when I can get around the problem of sitting. 

Walking - no can do. Going up stairs - no can do.  Bending - no can do.  Sitting definitely - no can do.

Big time computer withdrawl symptoms in progress.

The long goodbye

You know it seems an awful long time time since I did my monthly 'progress report'.  Ouch, so long has it been that I actually experienced a loss. However, I do realise that it's been completely my own fault that the diet hasn't been working for me, of late.

I've been weighing up whether or not to talk about this in my blog or not.  But in the end  decided it was relevant as I realise I have been using food as that comfort tool again and need to explain why to myself, and you, why I've again been on a self destruct path..  I thought it'd help to write it out but please excuse the ramble I'm about to go into. 

If you were reading my blog back in January you will remember that I said I was separating from my husband, then said little more about it.  However, although the decision was taken back then it wasn't until last Monday that he finally left. Actually, I almost came here (my blog) and churned it all out then and gosh wouldn't that have been a ramble - not to say this won't be.

The last few months have simply been the oddest ever, kind of a reverse honeymoon period.  There were many logistical reasons why we couldn't just separate immediately - little things like selling up and when I the sale went through and I  tittled a previous post 'leaving limbo land' I really meant it!!  With the credit crunch crisis affecting the house market as it is, it did seem for a while that we were going to be completely stuck and unable to move forward in our lives. 

The painful thing was during the last 6 months waiting we simply grew closer and closer, maybe even closer than we've ever been.   It wouldn't be fair to broadcast the exact reasons why we're separating on-line but there were for me quite a few issues. But although we were able to work through a lot but it was clear we could not mend the unmendable.  Funnily enough as a multicultural, mixed faith marriage it started with many factors why it would be doomed to fail.  But in the end though none of the potential problems put forward to me had anything why the marriage has failed.  But imagine if you will at the start of your marriage, it's really not great when the registrar asks your future husband to leave the room so that you can be given a pep talk about the dangers of travelling to his country ie. female rights (although I do appreciate some people do have some terrible experiences).

A couple of weeks ago after MS dropped me off at work my colleague said to me 'he's such a lovely man I just don't know why you're separating'.*gulp*  It's hard not to be able to tell people the main unresolvable reason, although I am sure it's not what they'd think - maybe I will someday. 

Anyway, as I said on Monday he left.  The whole of the previous week I was longing tell him I'd changed my mind.  We could so easily go on as we were. But the unresolvable issue meant that neither of us would ever really be able to move forwards, we weren't heading for the same goal post.  It was really just a sad tale of two people just growing apart and not wanting the me things in life anymore. 

Additionally, throughout the marriage everything seems to have gone wrong for us/him.  Knife point robberies, car accidents, employment issues (him).  I could go on.  We had begun to feel as if we'd had a curse on us.  To mark this point, the wind seems to have changed  *touching wood*  and luck suddenly seems to have been going our way...  Last Thursday I received some very good news and then on Monday MS finally received confirmation about his car accident/spinal fracture compensation which is a case thats been going on for 4/5 years and will certainly help him with his new start.  You can't help but start reading things into it when you he gets news we've been waiting for for years on the very morning he goes off to start his new life.  Maybe he'll be more successful on his own, it does seem though that we were never meant to be.

Anyway as much as I'd thought I'd prepared myself psychologically for the day he left, it seems I really hadn't.  His fresh start means that he's returning to his own country.  He's often been away for prolonged periods, but this time it's going to be an almost complete cut of. It's not as if we're going to see each other from time to time.  He's going to be living on a different continent and now that I feel completely devastated and full of regret. 

Anyway I'm going to post this.  I have a feeling that it may be one of those posts that I'll wake up to in the morning and wonder why the *** I pushed the 'publish now' option, but here goes.