"Because They Can"

The Risks and Rewards of Auto-Fellatio

by Dan Kapelovitz




A stocky, hairy bird-watcher creeps through the woods, peering into a pair of binoculars. In the near distance he spies his wife, a Pat Benatar lookalike who has a nylon scarf around her neck and a cunt-flap-lapping lesbian between her legs. The perverted naturalist reclines in a wicker swing-chair to enjoy the clam-smacking. Before long, the hirsute voyeur has his pants around his ankles and his ten-inch dick in his hand. The pudgy meat-beater leans forward and fits his beef stick into his mouth. "Not bad," he says, then vigorously blows his own bone.

A big-breasted woman in running togs stumbles on the rotund hairball while he fiendishly gobbles his gonads. The babe cringes in horror. Oh, my God. What a perverse, disgusting pig, she thinks, even though she is transfixed by the spectacle. How does he do it? Maybe that would make me happy to suck it like he's doing. Taken by cat-like curiosity, the stacked jogger pulls the man's pork out of his hand and sucks it into her mouth.

"Here, like this," the fatty says, reclaiming his dork and rolling his tongue around the purple cock head.


***

This scene from Lips, a 1981 skin flick starring Vanessa Del Rio and featuring Ron Jeremy orally copulating himself, firmly established the Hedgehog's reputation as both a porn legend and a porcine degenerate. The performance also inspired a generation of autofellationists.

"I'm 27 years old, and I've been sucking myself since I was about 12, when I saw Ron Jeremy do it in a movie," testifies Rico Esteves, a pornophile from Tucson, Arizona. "It really wasn't too hard for me: All I did was lean over and stick my dick in my mouth, and it felt good."

Esteves is unusually limber. Otto, a business-school student in Michigan, beat a much tougher path to blowjob independence. "I had to stretch out a lot, because at first I was like four inches away, but I did some low-impact aerobics, and I got closer and closer. Finally, I could fit the whole head in my mouth. It helps to take a warm bath first, because that relaxes the muscles, but it really just takes a lot of stretching."

Otto concedes that, although his hard-won skill is handy and satisfying, the navel-gazing nature of self-sucking can be alienating. "My wife loses interest before I come," Otto says. "She says things like, 'Why do you need me if you can do it yourself,' or 'What do I get out of this?' "

Autofellatio might be the ultimate narcissistic act, but Demian, a self-sucker from Billings, Montana, has found a way to include his sex partner in the experience.

"My girlfriend loves to watch me self-suck," Demian says. "Our favorite thing is for me to suck off my cock while she works on my balls and ass. When I'm ready to blow my load, both our mouths are there to catch all the cum."

Famed sexologist Alfred Kinsey turned his scholarly gaze to self-suckers in 1948; he reported that, although self-fellation was a common means of masturbation among rhesus monkeys, chimps and other primates, only two or three males in 1,000 were able to orally masturbate. Gary Griffin, author of The Art of Auto-Fellatio, believes that Kinsey's estimate is too low.

"A much greater number would be able to fellate themselves if they were to undergo a program of proper conditioning, stretching and yoga exercises over a period of months," Griffin says.

Through the gradual stretching and strengthening of muscles in the stomach, legs and back, a determined onanist may find himself capable of chewing his own cud.

"You don't think all of this renewed interest in yoga is about becoming a more peaceful person, do you?" asks Hans Hoeller, a personal trainer in Taos, New Mexico. "It's about becoming limber enough to suck yourself off, and that will make any man a bit more Zen."

The most common autofellatio position is called "the plow," in which the self-fellator lies on his back and flips his legs over his head. Another popular contortion entails grabbing the thighs for leverage, and leaning down in either a sitting ("Over Easy") or standing position ("The Stork") while pulling the toward the crotch. Also popular is the "X" configuration, wherein the determined sucker crosses his legs behind his head, leans down and opens wide.

Some men are naturally predisposed to make a cock-mouth connection, says Al Eingang, who has produced and starred in autofellatio videos such as Blown Alone and Self-Sufficient.

"There are people like me who do it the first time, and it's an easy thing. Then there are other people who have been trying for ten years and still haven't been able to do it," Eingang says. "It's a mix of natural flexibility and determination.

"It also helps to have a big cock," Eingang adds, "not because men with big dicks are more flexible, but because if your cock is eight inches long, you'll get to it two inches sooner than a six-incher would. Also, you need patience while you learn to stretch safely, and men with eight inches require two inches less patience than men with six inches."

For Eingang and other enthusiasts, the wonders of the do-it-yourself hummer make a determined effort worthwhile. "It's the best blowjob you could ever get, because you have complete control of it," says Rico Esteves.

For all of the apparent advantages of being able to receive oral gratification in the absence of a giving and willing female mouth, there are risks as well.

Oral masturbation may appear to be the low-risk pleasure of choice in the age of AIDS, but some men should consider wearing a condom before bobbing on their own knobs. It's entirely possible for a person with oral herpes to transmit the virus to his penis by way of autofellatio.

"It would be a possibility," says an operator who fields calls at an STD hotline. "You might want to be cautious about it."

Aside from the dangers of transmitting diseases, would-be self-suckers must be careful not to strain too much in their quest to take matters into their own mouths. "I know several individuals who greedily pushed themselves for that last inch without being fully conditioned," says Gary Griffin. "The strain has placed more than one man on the chiropractor's table. Progress is made in millimeters, not miles."

Autofellatio is not just potentially dangerous from a physical standpoint; it might also be against the law. Eighteen states have sodomy laws on the books, banning oral sex between two consenting adults. Could an overzealous district attorney extend the blowjob ban to a single consenting adult?

"You never know; it might fly," says a criminal defense attorney, who wishes to remain anonymous. "I wouldn't be surprised in the least if a law prohibiting autofellatio were upheld by the present Supreme Court."

Men are willing to spend months limbering up to the point of being able to blow themselves; they risk disease, jail time and alienating their girlfriends in order to sample their own splooge straight from the source. Simple curiosity and loneliness can't adequately account for the autofellationist's zeal.

"Homosexuality may be a factor," suggests Stephen Lask, a New Yorker who stretched out for three weeks in an effort to suck his own dick, but abandoned the quest. "Some of these guys are in the closet."

Although there appears to be something decidedly queer about bringing the penis in contact with the male mouth, Hans Hoeller believes that a man's sexual orientation boils down to a matter of taste.

"It depends on whether you enjoy the feeling of your dick in your mouth, or the feeling of your mouth around your dick," Hoeller theorizes. "I enjoy sucking myself, and I have never been with another man sexually at all. I think it's simply the best possible form of masturbation people can privately treat themselves to."

"It's just masturbation," Demian agrees. "If sucking yourself off is gay, then jacking yourself off would be gay too." Demian raises a salient point: there's nothing especially heterosexual about a man holding a dick in his hand either, to say nothing of a guy splooging in his mouth, a common practice among self-suckers.

Perhaps tooting one's own horn has to do with an overabundance of self-loveómany autofellationists are unabashed narcissists. "I'm a big fan of myself," autofellator Walker, says via E-mail. "I have everything I look for in a person."

Walker's attitude seems to be extreme; for most self-suckers, autofellatio is just about doing their own thing.



(This article first appeared in the January 2001 issue of Hustler Magazine)



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