Being a music journalist can be a hard and thankless task. You’re taught from your first journalism lecture that your opinions are to be kept to yourself at all times. You’re taught from your first editorial meeting that your personal tastes “aren’t something the readers want to know about” and you learn from your first ‘difficult’ (impossible) interview' that artists for the most part are spoilt and stuck up children that don’t really want to be interviewed for fear of being exposed for the sham they in fact are. 

All music journalism essentially ends up as being badly paid PR work. Music journalists spend so little of their work-time thinking for themselves that approximately 96 percent of them end up unable to perform even everyday tasks (making tea/getting stoned) without a press release.  

So why bother engaging the brain at all? Why not just buy a dice, roll it, and let it make all the decisions for you? I read a book about a guy that did that sort of thing once so I decided to follow his example. There had to be one nightmare option for every roll – cos that’s the way life works. I chose number six because that is the number of the devil. 

The first decision I had to avoid as a mindless tool of the music industry was which artists’ press release I was going to re-write (interview). I checked our internal leads document and randomly assigned six bands numbers one-through-six. 

1 = FOALS 

2 = YOUTH MOVIES 

3 = T2 

4 = THE DEATHSET 

5 = BURAKA SOM SISTEMA

6 = Nightmare mode: BISHI (nightmare). (ED...)

RESULT = 5

BDS it was.

Now I needed to come up with some questions. The options were: 

1 = Copypasta the questions from a Loaded magazine model interview. 

2 = Copypasta the ‘down’ questions from the Metro’s crossword puzzle. 

3 = Repeat the last six questions our editor asked me. 

4 = Repeat the last six questions anybody asked me. 

5 = Copypasta the questions from Jeremy Kyle that morning. 

6 = Nightmare mode: Copypasta the questions from the beginning of a Bangbros ‘pre action’ model interview (yes, you know what Bangbros is you lying pervert). 

RESULT = 6

Oh shit NIGHTMARE mode comes into play for the first time. Great, now I’m going to have to spend the day at work watching online porn in the office.

We arrive at the venue a little late. Leanne the PR lady is sitting with the band who are all drinking pints of Stella Artois and logging into the internets via a shiny new PowerBook. The PR lady approaches me and my photographer and introduces us to each of the band members. Dice time! 

1 = Shake her hand like a normal person and introduce ourselves to her and the band. 

2 = Comment on her dress and imply I would like to try it on. 

3 = Throw my arms around her and with tears streaming down my face tell her how much I have missed her since the last time we met four or five days ago. 

4 = Standard Zoom-Jap. 

5 = Ignore everybody and walk straight to the bar and purchase drinks without offering anybody anything. 

6 = Nightmare mode: Attempt to ‘initiate kino’ 

RESULT = 5.

An easy five has us approaching the bar. ‘God damn it another decision’ I curse to myself. Another roll of the dice results in my purchasing and downing three JD and cokes. Leanne returns to see what’s up. “Most of the band are here but Conductor has gone to American Apparel,” she informs us. “He should be back in a sec. I could call him if you like,” she adds, taking a sip of cappuccino. “That will be fine,” I tell her. We’ll just get the camera ready and get started.” I take out the piece of paper onto which I copied the Bangbros interview with the lovely Olivia 'o' earlier today. Jesus have I really got to ask these?

DP: For those that are not huge fans and have not followed your career from the start, fill me on how you got started and why you chose to get into the industry later in life.

BDS: Me (Riot) and Lil John started making beats together back when we were kids. Buraka Som Systema came about when we began working with Conductor also. Now there are the four of us in the band. We got into the business pretty young actually. 

DP: Speaking of that, it seems that a lot of the DVDs you appear in have that horny housewife or MILF theme to them. Do you enjoy being cast in those roles or would you rather not be type cast as just the MILF? 

BDS: What? 

DP: How is that going to be different from the elevator sex that we have already seen?

[Nobody answers this question so I quickly move on to the next] 

DP: Do you like black guys? That’s what you like isn’t it, black guys. You’re a total slut. [I say the s.l.u.t part very quietly] 

BDS: We’ve been big fans of Kuduro music forever. It’s a black form of music originally from Angola. It’s been big in Portugal for years now. I guess you would describe it as being rhythm-driven with heavy percussion. We use melodies as well but it’s not as prevalent as it is generally in popular music.

DP: You made mention you don't want to be a GILF and still performing when you are much older. How long do you think you will stay in front of the camera?

BDS: As long as we enjoy making the music we will carry on. As long as it’s in your blood you will feel like doing it forever, although I don’t want to be a granddad on stage.

DP: You are in a committed relationship yet you still perform on film with other men. How does that work for you to be doing this line of work yet have a steady relationship while doing it?

[I repeat this question three times but nobody gets it. Thankfully the band's English isn’t too great and I can twist the question to be something about guest vocalists.] 

BDS: “We’ve worked with M.I.A. before which was great. She dropped some vocals on some of our tracks. We have worked with Kalaf and DJ Znobia also.”

DP: Is your job enjoyable, do you get to travel a lot?

BDS: We played some gigs in Angola. It was okay. As long as you avoid the most dangerous parts you don’t have to be too worried. Of course it can be scary but you learn how to accept it before you go on stage. The gigs themselves were great the people really liked us and it’s good to take the music out to places you wouldn’t expect. We like travelling. We’re doing most of the festivals this summer.

DP: Favorite position?

BDS: I, uh, play the bass, keys. What, are you sure these questions are for us? What are you going to ask us next?

DP: *Gets dice out of pocket* 

CONCLUSION: Mainly due to the Buraka Som Sistema boys being totally cool and understanding, the dice experiment went pretty well. It's too early to tell if this is going to completely and utterly revolutionise and save the world of journalism yet. We can but hope. Keep an eye out for Buraka Som Sistema as they tour the globe over the coming months. You heard it here first innit.