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Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
by Ted Slater on 02/05/2010 at 2:33 PM

Breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend can be so disorienting. I know: I've gone through several failed relationships, including with two fiancées.

This morning I received an e-mail from a young woman who's in the midst of dealing with a broken relationship. She's given me permission to share it here:

* * *

I've recently ended a long dating relationship. It's been 5 months and I'm still in a great deal of pain, but he's moved on -- with an ex-close friend of mine.

I'm desperately in need of some wisdom on overcoming a love lost. We were together for three years and through that time went through some very emotionally intimate things (while maintaining very strict physical boundaries) that made us very close. He also told me that he loved me and that he wanted to marry me, but never followed through with a proposal.

Though we've had no contact since the break-up, I'm finding it extremely difficult to overcome this heart break. I do not believe God wants us together, but I don't know how to pick up the pieces now that we are apart. What do I do with the death of dreams, memories and time -- and what do I do with the searing pain of having been one's first and only love, especially now that he's so quickly moved on?

Any biblical advice would be helpful!

* * *

I have to confess that the first thought I had was, "Three years? Whoa, that's a long time to stay in a non-marital relationship. Maybe some of our readers can take your painful story as a warning against being in such an unintentional relationship for so long."

And I have to confess that the second thought I had was, "What kind of 'physical boundaries' can you have with someone when you're 'emotionally intimate' with them for three years?"

OK, now that I've got my cold-hearted first reactions out of the way (and let's not dwell too much on my admittedly un-empathetic reactions), let's get to the real issue here: How can we come through such heartache, after such a lengthy and vulnerable investment of time and emotions? What does the Bible say that can help us heal and grow?

We have published a few things over the years that may or may not be directly relevant:

And now this is where I turn it over to you, as most of you have had to work through the loss of love, and most of you are biblically literate. What words of comfort and counsel do you have to offer from Scripture and from your personal, painful experience?

Comments

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1

I have that song stuck in my head now...


2

I just need to say...

You can't slap an expiration date on relationships. I keep reading things (some of them here on Boundless)like "Been dating for a year? Get married or break up!" or "No woman with any self-respect will date a man for more than two years without a ring." I recently got engaged to my boyfriend of over three years. It was hard to be patient and I often wondered why we weren't taking the next step, but I was determined not to pester him or deliver an ultimatum (even though many people encouraged me to do so.) If I had delivered an ultimatum or dumped him after a year as your articles would suggest, that would've probably ended all chances of marriage for me.


3

Interestingly, I was thinking it'd be good to have a blog about this topic...

I think one primary thing is to meditate on Christ's sufferings, and pray that He would use this experience redemptively.

Another thing is to keep praying for healing, and not to deny that you hurt. Pray that you'll be rebuilt and restored. Read and meditate on the book of Nehemiah. Isaiah, too. Both books speak of restoration and hope.

Meditate on Christ as He is portrayed in the Book of Revelation. Here we are reminded of His triumph, His strength and compassion, and the fact that one day He will wipe away ALL our tears. I have taken comfort in the "here and now" through those words, because of the reminder that there WILL be an end eventually, and that Jesus CAN wipe away my tears even now. It's not instantaneous, but a process.

I also find it healing to meditate on nature, and to consider the seasons. God has designed our world with signs that point to His ability to bring light into the darkness and growth out of the cold, hard ground.

Pray about God's justice. Not in the "GET HIM, GOD!!!!" sense, but in the sense that God will bring about that which is just and right, in His time.

Another idea - one time after a breakup my friend asked, "Which fruit of the Spirit should I be praying into your life?" I thought that was an interesting question. I chose kindness (and maybe another). Kindness is especially important because it's easy to get bitter, hard, and unforgiving. In fact, your initial reaction MAY BE a lack of forgiveness, or anger, but prayer for the Spirit's presence will take away the hurt and eventually rebuild Christlike character, love, kindness, and forgiveness.

Finally, stay sensitive to God's Spirit.

*************

By the way, this type of article prompts the questions that always come up when this topic arises: How can the breaker-upper move on so quickly? And with the ex's friend, no less? It just seems so bitterly cold. And I never seem to hear *that* side of the story.


4

I do have one problem with this line of thinking, "I do not believe God wants us together". Most of us assume that based on the results of a broken relationship.

And while in some cases that may be true, I think for the most part relationships working are based on the decisions we make. So I wouldn't look at it as God didn't want you together, but that choices were made (no matter who made them) and that person couldn't make the decisions necessary to be my spouse. God understands losing the love of someone close. And God provides even in the midst of pain and loss. But I think we would be better if we didn't lay bad things at God's feet in the sense of He didn't want it to be but in that He knows the choices we make and He can bring someone capable of making better choices into our lives.


5

I don't think three years is long at all if two people are in college.

When I was in college tons of my friends waited 4 years or more to get married, and some even longer than that since they had also dated through High School.

I don't know if that helps though.

Breakups always hurt at first but eventually with time a new person comes along to replace the one that was lost. God may have someone even better in store for the future.


6

We need to talk more about emotional intimacy and dating in the Church! There is a focus on physical boundaries (which is very important)but it is very easy and very common to "court" or date seriously and become emotionally bound before the commitment of engagement has taken place.
How do you set appropriate boundaries with your boy/girlfriend (especially when you're parents are not involved in setting the boundaries for you)? What are they? What does one do if they encounter an intense trial while they're dating and walk through this together and it brings them closer together?


7

The one thing that helped me the most when I went through a time of loss like this was to ask God to remove my desire for that person from my heart. I didn't want to let the guy go, I wanted to want him. But finally I asked God "Help me to let him go. Take away my desire for him." and that was when I made a real turning point and started to feel better.

The second thing that helped a lot may sound silly but it's very important. Don't listen to sappy love songs! I tortured myself by listening to those songs for hours while I cried in my room. It only made me feel worse and caused me to cling to my sadness.


8

#3 (Tami)

By the way, this type of article prompts the questions that always come up when this topic arises: How can the breaker-upper move on so quickly? And with the ex's friend, no less? It just seems so bitterly cold. And I never seem to hear *that* side of the story.
***

Oy vey, I may as well talk. I was engaged to a guy who looked perfect but wasn't nice to me in private. Still don't know why I stayed with him long enough to get engaged. He moved from his state to mine to be with me. Just after his proposal he wanted me to move back with him. We had a disagreement because his mother didn't like me, so much so that when we were on dates she wouldn't stop texting him. We ran into financial trouble and she blamed me even though he had been responsible for the money and hadn't let me in on any of the details.

We finally broke up rather and he left. A month later I was still getting over the whole thing when a friend and roommate of his started helping me with transportation. His kindness after the harsh messiness of the break up was like January to July. He became a close friend and confidant as I started to deal with my own (first) broken heart. A month later he asked me out. It started pretty small but he accepted me in all my baggage. He talked me through unpacking it. He cared for me when even I didn't. Eight months later I'll confidently say I'm in love with him.

It may seem harsh or cold what I did, and I wondered a million times if I was making the right choices. But now, looking back I really think I did.


9

"What do I do with the death of dreams, memories and time -- and what do I do with the searing pain of having been one's first and only love"

This is what really stuck out to me, and first off, I'm sorry for the pain youre going through. Seeing and my ex-fiance and I separated a little over a year ago, ive been through a lot of what you are describing.

Memories: Be grateful for the memories you did have. Ask God to help you forgive when needed, and take the good out of whatever happened. With all the terrible memories I had, there is still a long list of good things i learned, and honestly, some of the things i didnt realize until a year after the break up.

Dreams and Time: This was probably the hardest part, and possibly different since I am a male. I delayed my dreams for someone, and it didnt work out, and it killed me for the longest time. But God has given me the courage to move on, to pursue my dreams by myself, which doesnt always feel like flowers and sunshine and a good Christian feel-good song, but God gives me strength sends people to encourage all the time. Sure, there have been a lot of days with tears, meloncholy, etc.

My strategy for moving on was to make new memories, which can sometimes be very hard. I tried new things, visited new places, made new friends. I visited family for the first time in years without her, and at times it was hard, but i made it. You also have to have a vision of yourself moving on. Personally, one of the most exciting moments in my life was asking her father for her hand. So several times i've imagined having that conversation again, and it gets me excited.

Also, it's ok to grieve, if it takes you a year, or two years, be ok with that. If you want to stay at home on a friday night, be ok with that. Being a Christian doesnt mean youre immune to pain or you get over things more quickly. I would also recommend the book "how people grow" by cloud and townsend. God uses people, dont go at it alone.

And lastly, sorry for being "that guy" that posts a long post. In the pain and suffering, ive now been able to identify with people who have been through painful experiences, and for that, I am grateful.



10

I'm sure this is going to be a comment which gets a lot of negative feedback, but, that's nothing new.


My advice, when you you wreck your car, tear your clothes, break your dishes, etc,

you get something to replace them,

so find a new guy.

Part of your pain is the prospect of being alone, so quit being alone.

See, one of the reasons that the guy can move on, is because he has found someone to replace you. That may hurt, but sometimes reality hurts. The longer you remain alone the harder it is for you to get over the pain, because you are (and this is really harsh) focused on yourself and your pain.

You focus on building a new relationship with someone else, putting your time and energy into learning about him, and I guarantee the pain and heartache will soon disappear.

In my opinion, one of the reasons we suffer so much pain and heartache after I breakup, (and I've been there done that) is the tendency to focus on self and what in happening in our life instead of forcing ourselves to make our focus on others.

You would not experience nearly as much pain and heartache if you are busy serving others.

I'm sorry if this was harsh, but, you asked!


11

An article I found very helpful in adjusting to the new singleness God wanted me to be in, was Singled Out For Good: http://www.uconnruf.com/downloads/Singledoutforgood.pdf. It made me cry several times because while I was hurting so badly, it was incredibly comforting and painful to hear that God is completely good in this time and is using it for good. It really helped me to focus back on God's good promises to me. That was back in July. So much growth in godliness and trust took place back then. I really wouldn't take it back :)


12

In my experience, time is the only cure for post-relationship pain... and it may take awhile.

I think the poster is very smart to have had no contact for 5 months. Keep that up!


13

Cat (8), thanks for sharing your story.

If the guy was unkind, and his family wasn't embracing you, and then you move on to someone who *does* embrace you... I don't blame you at all.

The situations that are mysteries to me where things are moving along, and then BLAM, without explanation, one decides to end things, with the excuse of "I'm not ready" or whatever... only to start dating someone else right away.

And Farmer Tom, I agree that it's best not to selfishly center on one's own pain. It's healthy to be around others and care for them. But if finding someone new was that easy, especially after a rough breakup... well, we'd all be doing it. ;)

I feel sad that the "dumpee" is the one left to deal with the pain. I guess that's why I suggest meditating on the justice of God. You get to see how God is working in the situation. And I don't just mean you see the dumper get justice... you see how God works on behalf of the heartbroken one as well, and how He willingly teaches the broken His ways.


14

In response to obewan, #5: Why didn't they at least get engaged? I have never understood the long dating relationships myself. After you get to know the person, you either know whet you should marry or you don't. If you think you should, get engaged. If you don't, then break up. I had a long engagement, but at least I knew where the relationship was headed.


In response to the question... the easiest way for me to get over breakups (after the initial Ben and Jerry's cry all the time phase lol, which luckily I have only been through once), I try to go through a renewal. I don't know if that would be Biblical (except maybe sorta Romans 12:2), but I make resolutions to myself. At first they start out sinful (I am going to lose this weight and get out there and get involved with a bunch of activities so that he will realize what an awesome girl he lost!!!) but then they turn to "I want to lose this weight for me/get a new haircut because it fits me better/get involved in a new hobby because maybe I will meet new people, or contribute to my community." I guess it is another example of God taking something sinful (vengeful thoughts) and turning them into something good (a renewal of sorts).


15

Words of comfort? 4 words:

There's another train comin!


16

Ted, if you managed to get engaged and then mess it up twice, why do you get to criticize the recently heartbroken with a tsk-tsk, you-shoulda-known attitude? I'm frequently amazed at how much of a pompous jerk you are.


17

I am so sorry for all the pain you are feeling. I know that there must be so many levels of hurt going on, and it will take a while to heal.

I hope that you have people who love you and who you trust who you can pour your heart out to when you are feeling those surges of pain. It is so important to speak about it and not hold it in. I think it helps us to process what we're feeling when we speak it. And I hope you find someone willing to share in the pain with you, to cry with you and pray with you. Sometimes the load doesn't feel so heavy that way.

One thing I have learned after a painful breakup is the importance of controlling my thoughts. After a relationship when I was the one dealing with rejection, I found myself thinking a lot of the guy I had dated as well as the break-up, and this would bring so much pain. I think for a while after a break-up, it’s pretty much impossible not to think about it! But over time I realized that I needed to stop, or the pain wasn’t going to go away. I came to understand that it was a matter of taking every thought captive, because a thought could enter, but it was under my control to dwell on it or not. What I decided to do was every time I began to think about him or the situation, I chose to say a short prayer for him and leave it there. This was very, very helpful to me, and after a while the thoughts came less and less to begin with, and there was healing.

I also want to mention that I found I am very prone to “making up” scenarios in my head, e.g., imagining a happy ending to the past relationship over and over, having conversations in my mind with the guy I had been with, etc. I have learned that this also does not help, but only prolongs the healing process. It guess it was my way of holding on to something that wasn’t mine to hold onto anymore, and it definitely made it harder to let go of!

I want to echo what Justice said in his post as well… healing does take time, and it’s different for everyone, as we all have a different situation and personality. It’s vital to not beat yourself up if you’re still grieving, even if most people around you think you should be “over it” by now. The important thing is to be working on healing and asking for God’s help in the process. I pray that you will find healing as you continue to lean on the Lord and remember that there is hope in your future... because your future is held and seen by the One who loves you with a perfect love.


18

First of all, it's not "easy" to be emotionally intimate and not be physically intimate...but it is possible. I did it. I will never do it again, but as a VERY inexperienced 19-20 year old, I did it.

As to getting over the break up, give yourself time to actually grieve the relationship. Try not to focus just on the bad or just on the good...but think of what you learned, what you overcame, how you grew. Think also of things you missed, things that you felt held you back. While you can't turn back time or recover exactly what you missed, use that as a learning experience to not let those things get away from you in the future.

Try to talk with someone older or more experienced. If you have a mentor, pastor's wife, family friend, etc who is older by a few years (or a few decades)...they will most likely be fountains of help and information. They will pray with you, pray for you, and help you from getting too depressed or self-absorbed.

You must establish your own identity again. It's so easy to be in a "John and Jane" mentality that when it's "just Jane" now, you don't remember who you are on your own. Remember that even without "John" that you are still a child of God and He still loves you the same as He always has in the past.

Do something different to get out of a rut/routine. Did you always wear your hair parted to the right? Try parting it on the left, or pulling it straight back. Always get highlights? Try lowlights. Did your boyfriend like you to wear a certain color? Avoid it for awhile. Was your "usual" going to Burger King for a shake? Try Arby's next time.

It's harder if you shared the same social circle, but if you have friends that didn't hang out with the two of you together, try spending more time with them. If you go to the same church, think of any of your friends who love their church and have a group and ask to tag along with one of their social outings. Same goes with school or work friends. Cultivate new friendships to get new faces around you.

Whatever you do...don't spend twice as long as the relationship lasted trying to get over it. I made that mistake once and it's one of the worst mistakes ever. I once read an article that said that after a tough breakup, it can take up to half the total relationship time to get over it. If you were in a relationship for three years, then 18 months isn't out of the question to heal up before you're ready to open your heart again.


19

Oh, and for once...in a nutshell...I agree with Farmer Tom! =)


20

The best biblical advice I can give comes from Romans 5:3-5

"...but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience: and patience, experience; and experience, hope. And hope maketh not ashamed, because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."

Sometimes God lets His people suffer, but the suffering distills down through this process detailed above and ends up in a heart widened to love better and deeper.

Whenever a suffering or relational hurt comes my way, I offer it up to God and ask Him to teach me how to love more. I think a number of other people's advice amounts to the same thing -- love. Love is the best use for your suffering, and also the best balm to heal it.

Also, all of Joel chapter 2, especially verses 21 through 26.

"...and I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten..."

I would say that jumping into another relationship right away might not be the best thing to do. Rebounds work for some people, but for many they just wind up hurt again, before the first hurt had time to heal. I do recommend stretching yourself to consider being interested in other people, however.

God bless!


21

A.(#16), I know nothing of Ted's situations, but did it occur to you that Ted might have been on the "hurt" side of those relationships rather than he to be the one who had "mess[ed] it up"? Just a possibility.


22

@ #(16) A.

Ted didn't mess it up. God had bigger and better plans for him, which included a better wife. And I'm sorry, I don't get that vibe for the attitude or jerk part of what you said. Your comment is actually kinda hard to take seriously.

***

Anyways, Ted I hope that pain from your past feels really distant now. I've always thought that breaking it off with a fiance would be one of the hardest things to go through. Of course, better then than in marriage. I'm sure you feel the same way now.

I just went through a really rough breakup (fairly) recently. I'm just now starting to heal and really feel like I'm able to move on. The best absolute best thing for me has been God surrounding me with a group of believers who care about me; people to share new memories with.

Depending on how hard the breakup was, for me often times it's best to not even think about romantic relationships and focus more on friendships. And really just distance myself from the old things completely. It's like taking the bandage off too early if you fall back into talking with them and all that.

I went through some real times of loneliness, but God has provided me with some awesome new relationships. I honestly believe the more you are plugged in to a community really grounded in Christ, the faster you will heal.

God doesn't keep us in those valleys forever...eventually we start that steady incline out of them and into a new season of life! And those are always super exciting! :)


23

I'm not intending anything quite as harsh as #16, but if current wife was fiance #3 (and you add in who knows how many additional relationships that didn't make it to the post-proposal stage), are you really the best person to be offering relationship advice... other than the "been there, done that" sort of empathy or the "I've messed it up every way possible"? Three fiances is pretty much two more than almost every Christian man I know.

Does this sort of thing explain Boundless's attitude towards men?


24

A. (#16): He let your comment through, didn't he? I'd say that's a gracious response for a 'pompous jerk' to character assassination.

I dealt with (well, survived) romantic disappointment by spending lots of time with Jesus and His words, doing fun and unrelated things with my girlfriends and giving love letters and dead roses the burial they deserved. I don't think rebound relationships are fair on the new party, but certainly, I felt better dreaming of the possibility of finding someone else than dwelling on the past.

There is much to be said for "giving thanks in all circumstances". What can you see about where you are and where you've been for which you can thank God?


25

Abbie (#6) wrote:

>>What does one do if they encounter an intense trial while they're dating and walk through this together and it brings them closer together?<<

Often, those couples get married precisely because they realize this is a person who will stick around when things get difficult, for better AND worse, as it were...


26

There's a few different Elisabeth Elliot responses to the precise events in the article.

First, she has one story where a couple met her and her husband at after a speaking engagement. Upon learning they had been dating for two years, asked if they were engaged. When they said no, simply asked why not. If I remember correctly, he stammered a bit them proposed.

Note that she does not advocate women taking initiative by giving an ultimatum. Instead, she strongly suggests that older mature Christians have some responsibility to encourage men to make a decision and not waste a woman's time - or lead her on causing her to miss legitimate opportunities for marriage with someone else.

I kind of blurted this out recently to a guy when I learned he had been dating someone for three years. Since then I've spoken with them at church twice. I of course haven't said this in front of her. But I'm sure he remembers the private conversation. He was a bit shocked when I said that out loud. I don't think anyone had said it so bluntly before.

Second, Elliot cautions men to not say the three words, "I love you," unless they are immediately followed by four more, "Will you marry me?" It means that it is a promise that one never goes back on. Her brothers followed that advice which originally came from her parents.

Finally, Elliot lost her first husband to murder and second to cancer. Oddly enough, she doesn't suggest rushing right out and replacing what was lost. But she has written a few books, such as Path of Loneliness that address the subject quite well.


27

@A. (#16)

Totally uncalled for. You're entitled to your opinions, but there is no reason to insult people (esp. in a public forum!).

I'd suggest that if you have an issue with Ted, you send him an e-mail rather than making comments like that which only detract from the discussion. And if you have an issue with the content posted here, why are you reading it?


28

I can't relate to a three-year relationship or the level of emotional intimacy involved there.

My first boyfriend broke up with me after a year together. Toward the end of the relationship, I had sort of been able to see it coming; but I had also thought there was a future there and it hurt when he left.

One piece of advice a friend gave me after the break-up was that it takes about a week to get over the initial shock of the break-up, before things start returning to normal. She was right. But that doesn't mean things stop hurting within that week.

I think two things I was doing helped me to move on, although they were both unconsciously done at the time. The first was that after the break-up we basically stopped speaking to each other. Initially, (for me at least) that was because it was too difficult to be around him; but because we were in the same circle of friends I didn't think it would last and I didn't make a conscious decision to break ties with him. However, as life went on we began to move in different circles and the natural progression of things was such that I've seen him only a handful of times in the 3.5 years since we broke up.

The second thing was keeping busy. Our break-up came a couple of months before I finished university, which meant end-of-semester assignments, exams, house-hunting, finding work, moving house. In the initial period after the break-up my friends were great and gave me their time and a distraction, but as the year drew to a close I really didn't have time to dwell on what had happened. (And for me as a person, free time is the absolute worst thing when I'm hurting - because it gives me lots of space to dwell on the hurt and feel sorry for myself. Having other people or other "things" needing my attention takes the focus off me.)

I guess the most I can advise is to try to live a normal life. Because while it's hard to just pick up the pieces and "get on with life", there is a life out there waiting for you. And when (if) the time is right, God will bring someone else into your life.

[FWIW I'd advise against going out looking for another guy. Let God do the matchmaking - He knows when the time is right, and He knows who the right person is!]


29

I surely know how the reader feels right now, more than she could ever know… Since I know the feelings of brokenness and depression because of a deep and an intense unrequited love (and I am talking about pure, platonic love), both as a non-Christian and a Christian, I would suggest that the reader runs for God and clings to God as fast as she could. Only in Jesus Christ, one can find true joy and true healing, because Jesus is the healer of the broken and the “living water” that can raise up a dead person to a new life and new joy, as Jesus still does miracles today. Sometimes we, as human beings, place our love too much on the things we can see, such as the things of the flesh and we forget about the power and joy of the Spirit of God. We tend to fall in love with the things of the earth so much so as to even worship them and not be able to live without them. Boyfriends and spouses can also turn into such objects of worship which can take even the place of God as first in our hearts. I know this from my personal experience.

Hence, when we make our joy and power dependent on another fallible and sinful creature like us, we make ourselves so much more vulnerable. Our joy and power should come first and foremost by God and His Spirit. If our joy and power come from God and His Spirit, so much more our love for other people will increase whether they accept us or reject us because our joy will not be dependent on them but will be dependent primarily on the forgiveness and grace of God. Indeed, when a man and a woman become one, either physically or emotionally, it is hard to break one whole into two separate parts – after all, that’s how God made us to have two different but complementary parts come into one. God is in the business of healing broken people and bringing joy to the suffering. Look at Jesus on the cross, Paul in jail and the other apostles who were chased and beaten, they still trusted in God even in their most painful and loneliest moments, because they knew God is always good and God’s ways are the best. Read, read, read the Bible and apply all its principles in your life, that’s my only advice to the reader. God is the only one who can heal our deepest pain and give you what our heart truly desires. To follow God and read our Bible devotions daily is an intentional choice regardless of how we feel that moment as this is the only way we can turn into the seeds that have fallen into a fruitful soil and remained and over time produced an abundant harvest. That’s the only way we can remain in the faith – it’s a choice to throw away everything and put our trust in God. Then God will lead us where we need to be until the day where we join Him in His kingdom.


30

#saraL:After you get to know the person, you either know whet you should marry or you don't. If you think you should, get engaged. If you don't, then break up.

you speak as if it's so easy. it may have worked out so clearly for you, but how long does it take to know a person to the point of whether you should marry or you don't? a couple of months? a few days?! are there really standards for these things?

is it always so black and white? what if you want to, but he's still thinking about it, but not saying no yet, and there seems to be hope. what if at first things looked bright and rosy but after a year things changed?

i don't knw, i just feel that we shouldn't assume that one experience is the same for all.


31

This might seem light or cliche, but honestly, it will get better with time.

I went thru a similar situation, and within a month of him and I finally deciding "no, this isn't God's will", he was dating someone else. It was SOOO hard, but time as really helped. It (getting over him) took longer than I wanted it to take, but with prayer - asking God to help me not want to be with him, and to help me forgive him for the hurt he caused - I can honestly say that I am over it now. At times, the memories come back, but as someone's already said, focus on the good ones.


32

I was seventeen and six months out of highschool when I started dating the guy I married. We'd been dating 2 and a half years when we got engaged, 3 when we got married. I was 19 when I got engaged and 20 when married.

To have dated for much less than that would have been stupid at our age.

Delivering an 'ultimatum' after a year - when I would have been 18, not even half way through my degree, and my boyfriend not yet finished his either - would have been stupid, too.

If you didn't want us to "dwell too much on (your) admittedly un-empathetic reactions" then perhaps you shouldn't have included them.


33

Justice #9, your comments on dreams and time describe perfectly a lot of feelings I've had.

After a break-up, the shapes of our dreams may have to change.

I used to listen to "Time is a Healer" by Eva Cassidy. Maybe it isn't strictly Biblical, but it's true. It make take months (hopefully not years), but one day you will look back and realize that you have been delivered from the pain. And God will redeem the time.

You are not a robot that can just switch into a new mode. God made you an emotional creature, and you don't have to feel ashamed or weak for having loved.

What do you do with the pain? I would say, pour it out to God. In song, in journalling, prayer, whatever. Then make some small goals and move on with the rest of your day.


34

Farmer Tom said "My advice, when you you wreck your car, tear your clothes, break your dishes, etc,

you get something to replace them,

so find a new guy.

Part of your pain is the prospect of being alone, so quit being alone. "

That is very, very bad advice. That, Farmer Tom, is what is called a 'rebound'. When that happens, a person often latches onto someone who is all wrong for them, simply for the sake of not being alone. It will most likely end in disaster, because they'll get attached, but then realise they are all wrong for each other, and be forced to go through another hurtful breakup.

Finding a mate for the sole purpose of not being alone is, frankly, STUPID.

Focusing on serving others is a good idea. But finding a 'replacement' just to smother your pain is selfish and not serving the other person.

I know you might often have some clashing ideas with other people Farmer Tom, but this suggestion is just lacking common sense.

Sara L - why get engaged if you're not going to get married for another 2 years? I've always thought long engagements were stupid - shouldn't be getting engaged if you're not sure you're going to marry, and if you're sure you're going to marry, then do it soon. Not to mention, if they'd been dating since highschool, it's possible that in that transition period, say between ages 16 and 19, when you grow and change a lot, they might realise they don't want to get married. My husband dated a girl for two years in highschool, and not long after graduation, she broke up with him. Why tell two eighteen year olds "at least get engaged, even if you can't get married for another two years"?? There's just no point.

Suggesting people who are hardly more than kids "at least get engaged" is ridiculous... breaking off an engagement is much messier than breaking off a relationship.


35

I'm sorry about the pain that you are in... I know what it feels like to still hurt after it seems like you should be over someone. The most helpful thing I've found is to replace the ex's role in your life... but not with another girlfriend/boyfriend. Jumping into a new relationship when you are still not over the previous one can be dangerous, and is not fair to the other person. However, when in a dating relationship that person fills a number of roles in your life - companion, encourager, playmate, study partner, handyman, etc. I find that if you can find several friends (and if they are same-gender, it's less confusing) who can each play a role in your life, it fills some of that void left by the lost relationship, which makes it easier to finally move on.


36

E. (#21) suggested "that Ted might have been on the 'hurt' side of those relationships rather than he to be the one who had 'mess[ed] it up.'"

I appreciate the benefit of the doubt, E.

In all honesty, though, I bear primary responsibility for the hurt and failure of my first two engagements. I was more ignorant then than I am now, was more selfish then than I am now, and treated these two women with less respect than they deserved.

While I've still got my share of ignorance and selfishness, I've learned a lot since then. Perhaps others can learn from my mistakes and sins, as well as from the young adult research I've immersed myself in over the past 4+ years.


37

I don't think it's true that all the pain of a breakup goes to the dumpee. I was the dumper in my last relationship, and it was awful. I didn't want to hurt him, I didn't want to be alone again (I didn't have a backup person to jump to, which I suppose makes a difference for some dumpers like the one in the OP), and I felt petty and cruel the way things went. After I told him it was over, I cried for several hours. He mostly seemed angry with me, and his reaction kind of reinforced that I had made the right choice in ending it, but I still felt selfish and petty for making it.

That was six months ago, and I'm still a little trepaditious about dating anyone again...I don't want to cause anyone else that kind of pain.


38

Ted,

"I've learned a lot since then. Perhaps others can learn from my mistakes and sins, as well as from the young adult research I've immersed myself in over the past 4+ years."

I was thinking that, and while I agreed with your concerns in your main reply, sometimes there's a better virtue in offering comfort far far ahead of critique. Especially when what's done can't be undone, or even easily repeated.

That said, to the OP

Just be nice to yourself, and make sure you don't get too isolated. Stay busy. Was there something you wanted to do, but hadn't tried before? Now's the time to do that.

Time is going to ease this, but time goes by faster when we're active. :)


39

I just have to say that I love how BDB knows his Elisabeth Elliot!


40

SaraL (#14):

After you get to know the person, you either know whet you should marry or you don't. If you think you should, get engaged. If you don't, then break up.

I have to agree with B in comment #30. The divorce rate is so staggeringly, tragically high because people do not take marriage seriously enough before they get married. You are talking about spending the rest of your life with a person, 60, 70, 80 years, maybe even longer. Is going on a handful of dates over the course of one year enough to make a wise decision with those stakes? Maybe for some people, but I think those that choose to approach the second most important decision of their lives with more caution should be respected rather than vilified.


41

B (#30) wrote:

>>is it always so black and white? what if you want to, but he's still thinking about it, but not saying no yet, and there seems to be hope<<

If HE is saying no, that suggests SHE was the one taking initiative.

While it is trendy to talk about how men need to take more initiative, Elisabeth Elliot is the only Christian writer I've come across who explores what happens whe women initiate. I'm convinced that many of the men who are described as "unwilling to commit" by their longtime girlfriends are in relationships initiated by the woman.

Which is, perhaps, how some people seem to move on so quickly. A guy enjoys the attention from a woman who takes initiative. But then he meets someone else and is motivated to take initiative himself with that other person.


42

Since some people are taking swipes at Ted, let me just say that when Ted first published his wedding photos, my though was, "Hmmm...maybe this Ted guy knows what he's talking about."


43

I'd like to address the rush-out-and-get-a-new-boyfriend suggestion from another angle.

Where is God in all that?

Why not first sit down and pray about where God would have you spend your time? How about praying about what you OUGHT to be looking for, rather than just finding another person of the same type that didn't work out?

As a practical matter, this does two things.

First, it widens your social circle. You can start volunteering or doing something else with a new group of people. If you are following God's leading, this will put you into situations where you will learn new lessons and possibly gain a better understanding of the kind of person God might be directing you to - someone who is kind, for example.

Second, there may be a man near you who you volunteer with who has noticed your good characteristics in the course of volunteer work - but has said nothing becaue he knows you are attached. Some women gush about their boyfriends to everyone when things are going well, then remain silent after a break-up. Unless you're one of those people who immediately changes their relationship status on facebook, eligible alternatives may have no idea your status has changed. If you suddenly start showing up to volunteer activities because you "have a lot of free time now," it provides opportunities for such individuals to approach you.


44

I so agree with Abbie in Comment #6!

(Sorry this is kinda late, but I've had Internet issues at home, and only now have been able to join the conversation.)

While I have not been dating anyone for years now, I have been convicted I need to give up a friendship with a close male friend. I think God is telling me to "sacrifice it on the altar." (NOT a marriage altar, to clarify!)

I know my friend and I won't ever get married, and I am guilty of "emotional intimacy" with this person, as with other "special friends" (for lack of a better term for someone who was a close friend but never "more than friends.")

If "physical intimacy" can include seemingly innocent hugging, then, yes, I am guilty of that too.

With this friend, this cycle has to stop. I now realize how wrong I've been in trying to be "just friends" with guys. There were some blessings, but more hurt.

I would love if "the right one" would step in as soon as I tell this friend goodbye. I had hoped that the next "special friend" that came along in the sad cycle I've been caught in, might be "the right one."

Instead, though, I see that God just brought them into my life to test me, and I FAILED. And I don't think God is going to put any man in my path until I pass whatever tests He has for me.

So now, I must just focus on being "married to God." I don't know how exactly how that will work, but I have learned the hazards of putting too much stock into male friendships.


45

Why do people have the need to use "pompous" and "jerk" in the same insult?

Is it an attempt to sound intelligent when insulting someone?

How ironic?

Anyway, to the OP, I can tell you personally, you will "get over it" when the only person you are content to be with is Jesus and at a place where you would be happy to be with someone, but okay to not be. That's usually when He brings the person that's right for you into your life.

AND when the healing is complete!


46

BDB

"A guy enjoys the attention from a woman who takes initiative. But then he meets someone else and is motivated to take initiative himself with that other person."

Based on my own experiences, I agree. If the guy's not really interested, it's like he gets a big ego boost, and it whets his appetite for the relationship he really wants.

So he's ready, and in a good emotional place to find someone else.

I can't say I haven't made that mistake though. :(


47

42. BDB said,

"Hmmm...maybe this Ted guy knows what he's talking about."

HA!! I agree, although I had another thought,

"She doesn't really look blind, what does she see in him?"

Leah,
I expected a response much like yours, that's fine, you have a right to your opinion. I wonder though, how's your extended focus on self and suffering doing? How long since you had a date? How long since you were thinking about someone other than yourself, and trying, actually trying to find someone to replace the guy your pining over? A year, two years, five years? See all your introspection and narcissism is going to be kind of empty when your 45 and never married. Of course I could be wrong, maybe the self centered, woe is me, I'm getting over some loser who dumped me act, is supposed to bring fulfillment in life. I can guarantee you that that kind of attitude is not attractive to a guy who is looking for a wife though. My immediate response to that kind of female in my dating years was to run like h*** in the opposite direction. Ever heard the term emotional wreck? Most guys with a modicum of sanity do their very best to avoid women who are into drama and introspection on the level that fawning over a broken relationship for months and years requires.

But, you have a free will, do what you want, just remember that the next time I hear some female whining about how there are no good guys available, we will all know that they are simple full of it. They've simply been to busy feeling sorry for themselves to look around and see who's out there.


48

I agree with Jeremiah (#12), it does take time and like any other type of grieving, there is no set timeline (though I do understand the desire to have it quickly diminished). I would also add that avoiding contact may feel more excruciating at the time, but reestablishing contact only further entangles the heart. I would encourage you, dear writer, to hold fast to a break of contact. You have our best wishes.


49

43. BDB said

I'd like to address the rush-out-and-get-a-new-boyfriend suggestion from another angle.

Believe it or not, I actually thought about not posting that my comment because it did not give any Biblical backing.

I'm not discounting prayer, time for healing or simply trusting God. Rather I was suggesting that too many claim to be doing those things, while in reality they are wallowing in their pit of sorrow and self pity.

The rest of your post (43) is exactly what I was trying to say, probably not nearly as well as you did. When a person quits focusing on self, and begins to look for opportunities to serve, to be "out there" and active in settings where Godly men are available, they will spend far less time "suffering for Jesus".


50

BDB: i think you might have misread the comment. i wrote "what if he's not saying no yet"?

moving on, i guess it's pointless to argue about a single sentence when clearly many of these statements we make were lessons we drew from very specific circumstances, feelings, and situations which are often too complicated to describe over a comment thread at boundless.

of course, your views on the woman taking the initiative leading to men who are "unwilling to commit" breeds the question of what truly initiative looks like--does it mean asking him out for a coffee, or could it be defined even as responding enthusiastically to a text message he sends? if the relationship later does not work out because the man decides to call it off, should the woman blame herself for asking him out first, or sending one too many smiley faces?

furthermore--what kind of responsibility does a Godly man have in the face of a woman he is clearly attracted to (both physical, emotional, and character-wise, yet is not 100% sure he wants to marry yet? we all have different answers to these questions, but perhaps it would not be wise to prescribe a one size fits all solution, which may often sound condescending and hurt even more-- but rather, be encouraging and GENTLE in our words to people who face such decisions which require much discernment, so that they can hopefully make them in an attitude in line with God's word?


51

BDB:

Out of curiosity, which Elisabeth Elliot book are you referring to? I am just curios because I recently started reading some of her books and would like to read what she has to say about navigating guy-girl relationships.


52

Ted,

First of all thanks for not "censoring!" LOL Whoever said he wasnt qualified (forgot who) that is exactly the reason he opened this up.

PEOPLE, I dont think what Farmer Tom said was really that off. In the year since my broken engagement, I dated quite a few people, and they taught me a lot. I saw how i approached things in the wrong way with my ex, but I also was amazed at how many awesome women there are out there, and a couple of them were so nice, I almost cried when no one was looking, because i was not treated that well before.

My ex and I learned so much from the heartbreak. I looked to other things to ease the pain, and saw how people get addicted to ANYTHING. I saw how much my friends were there for me, would listen to me complain about the same thing over and over, listen to me late at night, and for that I am forever indebted to others. I cant speak completely for my ex, but a lot of good things came about that wouldnt have, had we gotten married, and i believe she is better off, even though my pride will sometimes suggest otherwise.

Elizabeth,
Yes! it's crazy getting over stuff. I treated getting over it like everything else on a to do list or project, I gave myself six months to get over it and was surprised when my logic did not work :) Writing helped, as did screaming so loud and deep that i lost my voice! Pain is not passive, i dont get my people try to act like its all rosy and you have to be all smiles because you have Jesus. Jesus yelled, threw tables, cried, etc.


53

What a great topic, breaking up is indeed hard. The thing is God is always working even in the midst of a breakup. He was able to spare me (and my bf) much of the pain of our breakup a few years ago. Granted it wasnt easy by any means because there was a painful number of months of seperation and confusion. A few years ago I broke up with my boyfriend because he was not a christian and I felt God wanted me to end the relationship. At the time we had been together about a year and a half. So it was really hard on both of us, and he really did not want to just give up and regularly asked me to get back together with him. A few months after the breakup he miraculously found God and became a Christian. I realized I should at least give things a chance and we were friends for a few months before getting back together. So in the end God both redeemed and restored my relationship with my bf. What seemed like an awful waste of time and emotion was not. I really think God brought us together in part so my bf would come to God. This gives me a lot of confidence that God wants us together now. Which wasnt true of our relationship before I broke up with him. I always had that deep down sense that it wasnt quite right, it just took me a while to get the courage up to do the right thing. Which then let God do his thing and make things better than ever for both me and my boyfriend.

Thats my unique story to share of how God lead me to end a relationship so He could fix it. Breaking up is indeed really hard, but you never know what great things can happen when you do it.


54

I know some people will disagree, but I believe that unless there is abuse or infidelity, that breaking up is always sinful.

We should treat our pre-marriage relationship as seriously as our marital ones. We should view not as some sort of probabionary period. If don't intend on marrying a person in the next short period, don't even go on that first date.


55

I have read Boundless for years and always found it to give me the wisdom and hope I so desperately needed. Today was one of those days . . . After 14 months I am still struggling with a break-up and, as I initiator, I wonder if I made a mistake since I am more depressed and hopeless now then when I broke up with him. Of course, I at the time I prayed and followed what I thought was God's will; I obediently broke up with him. It has now been over a year and I am not any better, however I am not drinking (which I did as a teen) and I am still leading a Bible Study for gr 6 girls when I'd rather be in bed. I feel so hopeless but with the small mustard seed of faith that I do have, I keep going.


56

#45

John, I know you mean well, but...

that is the worst, old-wives tale advice you could ever give someone. How do you know when God will do something? You don't. A spouse is a gift. And by definition a gift is something we don't deserve but is given in love.

After being with someone for three years, there is going to be alot of pain in a break up. You don't just "get over it". It takes time, patience and prayer. But God is not necessarily waiting for her to "get it". God saw Adam and said it was not good for him to be alone. This idea that we have to be cool with being single first is non-sense. This is the very thing that drives us to find a relationship. I think we should all spend time in the word seeking examples of how God works in relationships. I think we will be surprised at just exactly what God will do.


57

"Anyway, to the OP, I can tell you personally, you will "get over it" when the only person you are content to be with is Jesus and at a place where you would be happy to be with someone, but okay to not be. That's usually when He brings the person that's right for you into your life."

I have to disagree completely. God made Adam and Eve to be with each other, meaning he built us to be in fellowship in the context of marriage and friendship. What you are saying, I dont see in the Bible, but only in Christianese language.

In the book "how people grow" it really emphasizes that it isnt just you and Jesus that brings healing, but rather that Jesus uses the Body, the church, to bring healing and growth to one's life. In reality, what you are saying, almost amounts to manipulation of God to get what you really want, another significant other by pretending to be content when in reality you really want someone.


58

Ted, IMO, it takes a strong man/woman to openly admit their mistakes and take at least some responsibility for past break-ups. Especially on a public forum, as someone else mentioned. I applaud your humility and growth for not going off on this young woman whom posted nasty comments. You have shown that you are the bigger person.

My response for the woman asking for help is that my heart really does hurt as you hurt, because I have been crushed before by similar things. My advice would be cast the whole care of your concerns over on the Lord, for He cares for you. Give your heart to God, trusting that He will not leave you comfortless. Remember, He is a very present help in times of trouble. So, as you go through this, you can trust and believe that He is going through it with you. He loves you just that much!!! Also, please believe that God would not allow you to go through this breaking process if He didn't have something or someone even more special behind all the pain.

There is a blessing waiting at the end of every breaking and know that the aroma of this difficult process is getting God's attention. It is a sweet smell in His nostrils. There's a book by Dr. Charles Stanley called the blessing of brokeness that has helped me tremendously!!! May God continue to be with you through this process.


59

Jane!!!!!!!!

Hang in there bud! Kudos for not looking to drinking, it took a long time for me to give that up after the breakup to props for that. Im not sure of your situation... but I would encourage you to find some life-giving things to do. Maybe a hobby you have stopped pursuing, or try something you normally wouldnt do. Are there some things youve been wanting to do? If so, get out there! I hope you have some people to go to and vent, it makes a world of difference. It's ok to still be broken about it, just keep praying, even if you stay up all night praying and fall asleep in frustration. Trust me, I drank, had far too many one week or less relationships to try to cope with the pain, and God's goodness is far superior and He is close to the broken-hearted. Hang in there bud


60

As a guy who struggled (struggles?) with relationships, I resonate deeply with the person who asked the question. I hope those of us who struggle will find rest in Christ, become genuinely broken before Him, cultivate a passion, and take risks in loving people and God. It's the only way out and it is worth the risk. Be careful of listening to friends. Hear God.


61

#10 - So, Farmer Tom, where is this magic place where I just go to find the "next guy"? You act like there are just men lined up someplace and I go pick the next one in line? Sorry, but the world of dating doesn't work that way!


62

Keith (#54) Are you serious??? I hope you are just trying to stir things up and really don't think that a person should not date unless they are planning on marrying the person. How do you suggest a person should get to know their potential pre-engagement partner?


63

Laura (#51) - the one that specifically analyzes when women initiate is called Quest for Love and was written in response to all the letters she received from people who had read Passion and Purity.

I actually didn't agree with it for the first six months. Her other books pretty accurately caputre God's character, though. So I watched people. And eventually decided she was right.


64

And, farmer Tom (#49), I will acknowledge that there is some truth in what you said. Someone new can ease the pain.

Here's a different example though.

Say a person believes deep down that missions and tithing are two things God has set before them as expectations. But maybe they don't talk about it because they are interested in (or involved with) someone who refuses to consider those things. They may be able to keep it quiet for a while, but it will probably create some tension somewhere. Each person may even be fervently praying that the other see the light.

If this eventually triggers a breakup and/or the other person starts dating someone else...well, might not be happy about it, but it might be one of those cases where the answer to prayer is "no." Going forward, it might be better to put that stuff on the table during the first lunch. Better to find out if you're on the same page up front.


65

Keith (#54) -- I emphatically agree with Carol (#62).

It's true that there are many fine paths to marriage. In some cultures, pre-marital guy-girl relationships are treated as pre-marriage. And such a path can be consistent with biblical principles. In some cultures, marriages are arranged and no "dating" even takes place -- I don't see anything *necessarily* unbiblical about that either.

But in our culture, among Christians the purpose of most pre-marital dating/courting relationships is to determine whether or not to marry. Dating (or courting), then, is absolutely *not* to be thought of as pre-marriage, but as a time intentionally set apart to explore the Lord's will.

Sure, we should take this season of dating/courting seriously. But not as seriously as marriage. A "successful" courtship could result in determining that no, it's not the Lord's will to marry. In such a case, if a break-up results, then that's a good thing.

It's not that I frown on those couples that enter into a dating relationship knowing that they'll marry. That does happen from time to time. What I disagree with is that someone *needs* to know they'll marry someone before they start dating that person. Totally -- TOTALLY -- disagree with that. As Carol pointed out, in our culture how can you even *know* the Lord's will about a person unless you spend *intentional* time with them?


66

# 61, there is no magic place, I didn't say there was, but,

staying at home and feeling sorry for yourself doesn't work either,

I hesitate to say this because it may derail the thread, and the topic is well worth pursuing,

my advice if you are looking to find a guy, is to look for guys where guys do guy things,

examples, find Christian guys who do some of the following, then go where they are

take some martial arts training,
take up some of the shooting sports, such as hunting, shooting targets with pistols or rifles, shooting trap, skeet or sporting clays,
start learning about motor sports, such as car racing, truck and tractor pulling, motorcycle or ATV racing,
learn something about politics, visit a tea party gathering,
have some Christian guys do some carpentry/home repair, or remodel for you,

If you don't know of any Christian guys, you haven't been looking where they are,


67

With all this talk about Ted's wedding pictures - what's the link to them??


68

Larissa (#67) - the pictures are here.


69

Christina Holder (author of "The Little Black Box") just wrote a six-part series on this exact topic. She talks about two difficult breakups she experienced and what she learned in the process (right here). A big area of her focus is on letting go even though it's painful. The first article in the series was published today and there will be one published each day through Friday.

Larissa (#67), I find it amusing that Ted and my wedding pictures are being commented on. But since you asked, here's the link they are referring to: http://www.boundlessline.org/2007/05/my_wedding.html


70

My advice would be to keep busy, learn some new skills, stay active with your church and friends, volunteer for something, and hang in there.

Eventually, your first love isn't the one who matters. Your last one is. :)


71

Ted,

"In some cultures, marriages are arranged and no "dating" even takes place "

I know a few people with arranged marriages: their parents take a huge role in determining whether or not the couple is first suitable and then compatible. So it's kind of like the parents do the "dating", in a sense.


72

kaj (#44): Thank you. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one in that situation.

I've been convicted by Jesus' words that we must deny ourselves and take up our cross to follow Him. My "special friendship" was terribly selfish, and I needed--and still need constantly--to remember that life isn't about realizing my own desires. And more than that, Jesus Himself is THE ONLY ONE who can make self-denial worthwhile. It's so hard--Christ doesn't relate it idly to crucifixion!

I hope, kaj, that you do meet a man whom you will be able to marry and will do so joyfully. I find myself not wanting anymore to get married--and waiting for the New Earth, when it will no longer be an issue...


73

To #61, I'd say I'm right here! Lol, but 1. We're keeping it anonymous, B. I probably live too far away, Tres. Is Spanish for three, and IV. I think this is a really good topic to seize upon. I don't think it'll derail the thread either. I've been dealing with a very bad breakup myself, and even though it was over 6 months ago I still get those pangs of hurt over someone I can say I was legitimately falling in love with. How do you move on when you can't find that next person? Where I live, culturally and linguistically, the dating pool is slim in the extreme! Time may have healed wounds for the most part, but for my two cents it isn't easy to move on when you aren't at least meeting and talking to women in whom you'd be interested. I've immersed myself in hobbies, but there's much to be said for time in the company of amazing women!


74

Oh man, have I EVER been there.

My personal story is not weird or unique, but at the time it felt that way. I was saved January 2, 2007. I attended church all my life, did the AWANAS program, committed to youth group, won awards, all that jazz. While I made a profession of faith at 7, it was not genuine. So, going to college, I got into a serious, marriage-like relationship (you get what I'm saying) for 2 and a half years. Well, I began to doubt my salvation (or so I thought) and I came home to talk with my pastor. We talked about fruits of the spirit and I came to the realization (after God opened my eyes) that I was not saved. I got saved that day, through heartbraking pleading, repentance, and tears. I was truly "coming home".

But that's not really where the rubber meets the road. I had to go back to college, go back to my apartment, and to my boyfriend that did not understand a thing about what just happened. I struggled for two weeks trying to make it work. God was seriously tugging at my heart - when I was with him all I wanted to do was run. When I wasn't with him, all I wanted to do was be with him. I finally broke up with him; but, as some people know, you don't really break up when you "break up". We continued to hang out and call each other. Before we broke up, I told him he had to go to church with me. He did, and continued after we broke up.

Before breaking up with him, I began spiraling down into depression/anxiety. This was NOTHING I experienced before, and I was seriously afraid. I would drive home every weekend and lay in bed (something I loved to do) worrying myself sick about something. I didn't know what that "something" was. I'd sit for hours in the living room with my parents crying and trying to explain away what was going on. My mom would cry with me because neither she nor I knew what was going on. It's almost equivalent to being extremely uncomfortable, and not knowing how to fix what's making you uncomfortable. I prayed, I cried, I read scripture, I saw a psychologist and psychiatrist, was put on Ambien and Zoloft ... all the while my ex-boyfriend is out sleeping with several other girls.

Of course I was angry. It hurt; being heartbroken can make you want to do some crazy things. Fortunately, God showed me that all I needed to do was rely on Him. Nothing went away immediately, but I learned that continuing to "keep up" with my exboyfriend would only cause me to continue to hurt. I had to throw away stuff, stuff that was a reminder. I moved home my last year of school to get away from those memories - those memories I couldn't throw away.

God will heal you; He'll heal you through time. It will not be overnight and it will not be easy. I know our stories aren't the same, but I'm sure the heartbreak is similar, and that's what counts. God got me through the anxiety, the hurt, the pain - and he'll do the same for you if you rely on Him. Everytime you start thinking about it, pray that God will remove the pain - divert your attention to God and not on your exboyfriend.


75

My break up advice is always to take a couple days off. Cry, eat ice cream, watch romantic movies and yell "Liar!" at the tv. Within three days that gets old so go get your girlfriends and go out. Dance, have fun, remind yourself you've still got a life apart from him. You'll probably go home that night and cry because you missed him.

Never stop talking to your friends through the grieving process. Establish specific "safe people" who will never tell you to just get over it but will still shoot straight to you.

Cut off all contact with your ex. No phone calls or e-mails, or texts. He's probably grieving to and wants space. When you feel ready you may be able to re-establish contact but don't count on it.

Seek professional christian counseling if you still feel like the break up was yesterday and it's been a month. Sometimes we all need a little extra helping hand.

Flirt! Date! Find a new guy you like and let him know. Enjoy your singleness, even as you desire a new relationship.

Get a new hobby.

An absolutely the most important thing is to allow God to enter into the pain and show you why he wants you to walk through it. The hardest times are when our relationship with God grows the most. "I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain of God."


76

I'm just gonna throw this out here. Referring to arranged marriages (71), wouldn't that work. Under the definition of love found in 1 Corinthians 13, any Christian guy could get married to any Christian girl, and this marriage would work. I know it takes out all of the dream of a "fairytale" story and doesn't approach the concept of the attractiveness of the two...but it would work.


77

Keith (54): The term 'breaking up' has many meanings, as does the word 'date'. If we accept that a 'pre-marriage relationship' is something to be taken as seriously as marriage, then it's very likely that some pre-pre-marriage relationship would have to have developed first. At this point, all we have done is change the meaning of words, without actually touching on real behaviour.

Of course, if you are using the non-Christian version of the word 'dating', which includes everything traditionally restricted to marriage, then I think more people would agree with you about breaking up, but that isn't the common meaning of the word used by most of the comments here.

Otherwise, are you suggesting that one-on-one 'dating' should be restricted to engaged couples? This would be in line with many traditions, including the western Christian tradition in ages past . . .


78

Considering the length and depth of your relationship, it is not surprising that the pain is so deep. I am so sorry. I was once in a similar situation, and I found that there is no magic time table for getting through the grieving process. But the Word of God does speak very clearly into our pain. And it is the only true source of comfort and hope. As I look back now, I realize that during my deepest moments of pain, the Lord graciously used His Word to teach me truths I never would have grasped had I not been in the midst of such a trial. There are times we read the Bible to learn and to grow, and then there are times when we read the Bible out of our utter desperation and our great need of the Lord. The sorrow I experience placed me firmly in the latter situation, and for that I am now deeply grateful.
There is no quick and easy way to get over the pain of loss, but there are things we can do during a season of loss that will help us to respond rightly to our suffering and will help us to draw closer to the Lord in the process.
1. Cry out to the Lord. Go to the Psalms and cry out with the psalmist to the Lord. Notice that frequently (not always, but frequently) the psalmist will begin the psalm by speaking out of despair, but will end the psalm by reminding himself of the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord.
2. Camp out for a while in books like Hebrews and 1 Peter that were written to encourage and instruct believers who were suffering.
3. Remember that we have a Savior who understands our suffering and our temptation. (Hebrews 4:14 -16) Remember that He, too bore the rejection of sinful man. Let this time of sorrow bring you to a deeper understanding of our Lord's suffering. And let it awaken in you a desire to respond to suffering as He did.
4. Cling to the Lord's promises! And when you don't have the strength to cling, cry out to Him and ask for the strength that only He can provide.
5. Take the focus off of yourself. Look around for other people that you can be a blessing to. There may be someone who has a need that you can meet. There may be someone who needs to be welcomed into your church group. There may be someone who is walking through their own season of sorrow that you can walk beside. Share with them verses that the Lord has used to comfort you. (Don't feel the need to tell them the circumstances of your sorrow. Most of the time that will not be necessary (or helpful). But tell them that during a difficult time the Lord used this verse to encourage you.)
6. Study passages that speak of joy in the midst of suffering. Shortly after my break-up a friend quoted Romans 5:3-5 to me: "More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
At first I cringed a little inwardly. The pain was so fresh, I wasn't ready to think about how it was producing character in me. But then as she came to the end of the verse, I realized that hope was the very thing that I was lacking. I read the verse more carefully and realized that while it was very easy to understand that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, it was more difficult to grasp how character could produce hope. Later I realized that through suffering the Lord takes away the false hopes that we have had and replaces them with the true hope that we have in Him. I began to study James 1:2-4, the "Count it all joy..." passage. And I was particularly struck by verse 4 which says, " And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." I realized that while we are suffering we are usually focusing on what we lack, but God's Word promises the very opposite. Suffering will produce steadfastness which will bring us to a place where we realize that we lack nothing. I then turned to Hebrews 12 and was especially struck by verse 11: "For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Again, when we are suffering one of the things we most obviously lack is peace. But this verse promises that through trials the Lord will produce in us the "peaceful fruit of righteousness". What a promise! The Lord will grant us peace as He refines us to His image!
7. Remember that to have joy in the midst of suffering, we must fight for it. John Piper's book, When I Don't Desire God: How to Fight for Joy was especially helpful to me. Another book by John Piper called Future Grace was equally helpful because it reminded me to put my hope in the promises of grace that the Lord has for us in the future of eternity.
8. Remind yourself of the truth of the gospel daily. Remind yourself of the wonderful mercy that God showed us through salvation when we were yet sinners. In times of sorrow it is very easy to lose sight of God's goodness. Remind yourself of the greatest display of God's goodness - the cross. Then read Romans 8 and ponder the promises God has made to those He has saved. There were days I felt so disoriented, that I couldn't be sure of anything. God felt distant. It seemed that I had been abandoned. But the one thing I was certain of was that God through Christ had saved me. And as long as I could hold onto that truth, I could be led to the rest of God's promises. Romans 8 tells us that those the Lord has saved He will conform to the likeness of His Son. The Lord could not abandon me. He was committed to my good for His glory! And He would use this painful circumstance for my good to conform me to image of His Son. The Lord was for me, and nothing could separate me from His love. Ephesians 2:7 reminded me that God saved me "so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus".
9. Read the book of Job. I made a practice early on. Whenever I began to feel angry because of my circumstances (After all hadn't I sought the Lord before I went into this relationship? Hadn't I continued to seek the Lord every step of the way? How could this have happened?), I turned to final chapters of Job and read them. As Steven Curtis Chapman sings (from this passage) " God is God, and I am not." And I needed to be reminded of that!
10. Study what the Bible has to say about forgiveness. Ken Sande's book The Peacemaker helped me to see that when we've been hurt we have the opportunity to live out the gospel in the lives of others. Remember that forgiveness is a process and a step of obedience. We don't have to wait until we feel like forgiving in order to forgive. We can commit to forgive and then with the Lord's help begin to "take every thought captive". Forgiveness is one of the most beautiful and powerful ways that we live out the gospel. As a people who have been forgiven much, we should reflect the forgiveness we've been shown. I know that no matter how deeply someone has betrayed or offended me, no one can sin against me as deeply as I sinned against the Lord before I was saved. As I struggled to forgive I came across a quote by John Piper where he said that just as we rest in the knowledge that our sins have been forgiven, we must realize that if the person who sinned against us was a believer then their sin has been paid for on the cross by Christ. How can we hold onto something that the Father has forgiven?
I can tell you that those days were long and hard, but the Lord is good and He has brought me through! There is hope on the other side, my friend! Our God is a Redemptive God and redeems every sorrow. Trust Him. Cling to His Word. And know that His promises are true.

*The name listed is not my real name. Since this is a public forum, I did not want to post anything that might point to the identity of my former boyfriend.


79

Leah #34 - "Why tell two eighteen year olds "at least get engaged, even if you can't get married for another two years"?? There's just no point."

I was 17 when I got engaged, and while I haven't been married long now, people have commented on how strong our relationships seems (and is so far lol, although I am sure in our marriage we are bound to have some really rough spots!). I think if you aren't ready to be married, then you shouldn't be dating. So if that 16-19 year old isn't ready to give up that part of their life, they shouldn't be dating. Period. I didn't want a long engagement, but due to various reasons it was our only option. I don't suggest them to people, but I don't think people should discourage them either depending on the circumstances.

B #30 - "is it always so black and white? what if you want to, but he's still thinking about it, but not saying no yet, and there seems to be hope. what if at first things looked bright and rosy but after a year things changed?"

I don't think it is always so black and white, but I was in a similar situation to the one you hypothetically referred to in my last year of high school. He was sure he wanted to get engaged right after we graduated. I really liked him, thought we was a wonderful guy with great character but I wasn't 100% sure. Sorta like the Boundless radio cast where the girl knew the guy was great but didn't LoVe him lol. Anyways, we decided to (or I guess I decided to) tone down the relationship to just friends. I thought it would give me a clearer picture about whether we should be together... and I was right, it did. And we weren't meant to be.

Perhaps it is just my personality type... I know whether I mesh well with someone within a few months of meeting them, and that is just knowing them as friends.



80

This actually reminds me a lot of my current situation, only we were together for close to 5 years and it's been just over a year since it ended. He's now engaged to someone I would have considered a good friend. Many times I feel like I'm still getting over the break-up, even though I initiated it and I knew (know!) that it was (is!) the right thing. One of the most helpful components to my "recovery" process has been talking out all the issues with a dear friend in a similar (yet different) situation: somehow to validate all those hopes and dreams and fears and "what now?"s. It sounds trite, but the Lord has grabbed my heart in other ways, too, and spending more time in the Word and becoming more involved in a local church has helped me be a LOT more content with my current status in life, even though I'm sure I would have told you that my contentment was found in Christ even before I realized how little I made Him a part of my life & emotional focus (closer to the beginning of that year ago).

It actually helped me a lot to find out he was engaged (after the initial emotional upheaval) because it closed a lot of those "what if" and "if only" doors that kept my little flicker of hope alive that someday eventually we might have both grown up enough to have a relationship worth salvaging. For some reason it also reminded me of all the reasons I knew it wouldn't work between us, and how much I hope that "my white knight" will actually be someone quite different.

I'd like to echo the above commenter's recommendation of the book of 1 Peter (especially chapter 5) and James 1. God does use times of hardship to increase our faith. In the last year there have been times that I've felt so far away from God, and sometimes not even inclined to seek Him in the midst of my wallowing of heart-sickness; but I do think that He's using that to form me into the vessel he intends for me to be.

The pain of lost love is deep, but God loves you infinitely more, and has better things in store for you. Trust His promises, for His ways are higher than our ways (Isa. 55:8). I still am not sure why He allowed me to "waste" so many years in that relationship when it was obviously not meant to result in marriage; but somehow I know that He can use that to greater further the Kingdom. I just need to be faithful in serving where He has placed me now.

I love the words in Ephesians 1:7-8: "In Him we have redemption... according to the riches of His grace which He LAVISHED upon us." I can't think of a better word to portray the amazingly generous over-abundance of grace and mercy from our Father than the work "lavish." That's where my hope lies.


81

thanks for the link Ashleigh and BDB... gorgeous photos!


82

I agree with commenter #2 about not putting a time stamp on relationships. A couple at my church just got engaged after dating for a few months. This may have been the perfect amount of time for them, but to me it seemed kind of fast. I like to take my relationships slow (I've rushed into a few relationships in the past, and am now somewhat cautious). I think some people just need more time than others to really make sure that they're doing the right thing. I don't see anything wrong with it.

However, if you're dating for three years, and for the last year and a half of it, you're having major doubts, you probably should have broken it off a while ago. I don't know. Relationships are too complex to be able to put a timeline on, in my humble opinion.


83

Oh, something I forgot to mention in my last comment, some people have additional reasons to draw out the dating period before they get engaged...waiting for one of them to finish school, waiting until they can afford it, etc.


84

#79 (saraL) I don't think anyone can tell anyone how to do love. It's not always something you ask for expect or want and sometimes it happens in the wrong time and place. Then you have to utilize self-control and wait for the right time. I'm in the ranks of thousands of christians in long term dating relationships during college. Simply because we can't get married financially doesn't make us not in love. It just makes us careful. Besides, I've had my hear broken enough times that I want maximum time to get to know him with the option to call it off for at least two years of dating. Yes, we have to guard ourselves from temptation. But we're pretty strong individuals. We'll make it.


85

Hi, I don't have the greatest words of wisdom but I think you need to ask God to help you move forward and move forward in His will for your life. It will be hard because that is a first love but he has moved on. I don't know all the situations that happened through out your dating but get it out, talk it all through with God about how your feeling and be honest with Him and most importantly yourself! Ask God to help you with that because He REALLY does know you!!!
Also possibly and I don't want to upset or offend - praying against self pity. You said he has moved on with an ex close friend would you have felt differently if they had not been your friend! Always be honest with yourself and like someone said don't be afraid to hurt but do keep moving forward with God.
Keep putting God first and it will be ok! God bless you!


86

@ Noah #76 -

RE: Arranged marriage

In a perfect world (take for example, the Garden of Eden) arranged marriages would work just fine. If love was treated as a conscious choice, nobody would object to someone picking out a mate for them.

Love is not treated is not treated a conscious choice, though. Many popular love songs focus on current feelings of love.

One popular one that was hung to so tightly by classmates of mine in middle school was "The Rose". Unfortunately, the mentality never quite died as people got older.

So, if one clings to these feelings of "love" and seeks to define the potential success of a relationship based on the presence or absence of these feelings they aren't aiming for love as demonstrated in Scripture.

Love is. Regardless of feelings, circumstances or what the other person does.

If the majority of people could live this out, arranged marriages would happen more often.

A popular pastor, on recalling a trip he made to India, spoke of a conversation he had with a young gentleman regarding arranged marriages. The young gentleman highlighted the difference in (prevailing) mentality about relationships between the Americans and Indians. The young gentleman said "In America, you marry the one you love. In India, you love the one you marry."


87

Hi, I just went through a break up recently and also in the recovery path. God has guided me to find some good Christian literature and articles about how to deal with it afterwards. Visit this blog -- I think it has some wise words for gals on the subject. God bless you more each day.


88

Thanks for the info, BDB. Sounds like a good read.


89

Noah (#76) and MrsLarijani (#86):

Arranged marriages are not generally a bad thing. Most of the time, it is the families--including the bride and groom--working together. Even in that culture, the sides do take attractiveness into account, but each side has a compelling incentive to be realistic, and there is more mentoring and preparation for both the bride and groom.

While this, like any other process can be abused, the system allows both sides to work in their respective best interests. Both sides have the incentive to vet each other, determine strengths and weaknesses, and help ensure that the match is good.

(If your family is helping you find a mate, they are not going to be likely to match you with someone they know you would not be attracted to, and then tell you, "but she has a great personality!" After all, they are YOUR family, and--as a general rule--are going to be looking out for your interests.)

The arranged marriage framework would also be good for the otherwise "difficult to marry" types.

I would not suggest for a second, that arranged marriages are a Biblical command, because they are not.

Still, I would tend to look favorably on arranged marriages. Done rightly, it can encourage proper childrearing, preparation, and cooperation between the respective parties.

As an IT professional, I've worked with my fair share of folks from India, many of whom have had arranged marriages. Functionally, they each had a say-so in the process. All of them have been quite happily married. In fact, I have not seen any of those marriages fail.


90

Well, I recently ended an 18 month relationship 10 days before the wedding. The heartbreak was the most painful that I have ever experienced. I made the conscious choice, choice being the key word, the let God carry, heal, and deal with my hurt. I am unsure how I got out of bed most days, but I did and I am better because of the whole experience. As a matter of fact, now being somewhat healed from the whole ordeal, I miss terribly the intimacy I experience with God through such incredible suffering. So, my advise to you is this: fall on your knees, cry out to God, seek him with every sad thought, memory and tear, and He will be there to carry you through. You just have to let Him!


91

I'm happily married now, with many broken relationships behind me, especially in my college years. Here's what I would say:

*First, thank God. For the fact that your breakup happened before marriage and not after. For the empathy and softening you will gain through this struggle. And for the better future he has for you, hopefully including a better and more suitable husband. Two of my Christian ex-boyfriends I cried over are now divorced---I don't know the details but I know it could have been me.

*Second, learn, learn, learn! Especially in this day and age when so many of us don't have a good parental marriage model, we do much of our relationship learning through trial and error. Were there red flags you missed early on that you can see next time before getting involved with someone? Use this break-up to develop your discernment as to who is truly compatible with you and who isn't. Also, what can you learn about healthy relationship development? Should you take the next relationship more slowly, etc?

*Third, as someone said, view this a a time of renewal. Of course, you will grieve, as you should. But it will be exciting to see how God can lead you into spiritual and personal renewal after a relationship break-up.

Just to encourage you, I am in a rock solid marriage now, to a man who is a far better match for me than anyone I dated previously. If going through all that pain was what it took to develop my discernment, grow me to maturity, and help me recognize the right one when he came along, well, then, I'm grateful for it.


92

From personal experience (and I had to learn a lot before I got there) I would say:
1) Embrace the cross, do cry, prostrate yourself in front of the cross (doing this in your mind is enough) and suck up God like a dry sponge....you will notice that rarely have you been closer to God than in these dry desertic moments...because you can absorb the fountain of life so much better.
2)Sublimate your pain.


93

While I wouldn't go so far as to say that breaking up, in and of itself, is a sin, I *will* say that it reveals that we live in a broken world. I don't think God originally intended for us to make and break relationships. But such is the world we live in.

However - as God's redeemed children, I *do* think we should be moving in the direction of making more Christlike choices in our relationships, and not take relationships so casually, with the assumption that "if this doesn't work out, we'll break up," and then *look* for reasons *to* break up (which you will likely always find... no one's perfect) rather than thinking about how to *build* the relationship.

I PERSONALLY think that most issues of compatibility -- the main reason for a breakup is over compatibility, not "he prefers weights to lunges at the gym, and I'm an aerobics kind of gal," right? -- can be discerned prior to a serious relationship. Not a dating, getting to know you relationship... a SERIOUS one. For example, if you start dating a close, long-term friend, whom you already know well: unless there's serious deception involved, you would probably be aware if there's something that absolutely bugs the living tar out of you, or which would make you a bad match (e.g., completely different goals) before you start dating seriously. So if there IS, DO NOT DATE THAT PERSON if that issue is not changing. Spare yourself, spare the other person, spare your friendship, spare your mutual friends.

Also I PERSONALLY think that breaking up should be as mutual as possible. Obviously the other person will not always say, "gosh, you're right... I totally see why we should break up." And there are times you need to break up, such as if you are dating a nonChristian, or if there is abuse involved. But if you CAN have a conversation, where you can healthily discuss things, it's wise to do that before you drop the breakup bomb.

Yes it's not pleasant to break up with someone. But you can't expect people to NOT be hurt, especially if you've made the decision to break up without having a conversation about it beforehand. Remember that if you're breaking up with someone, you've taken the time to come to that decision, while from the other person's perspective, it might come from nowhere. Therefore, a visibly upset reaction is not all that surprising. They need the time to process that you've given yourself.


94

I do think it is possible to know you have chosen the right person without going through a dating / probationary period which usually just leads to heartbreak when the relationship doesn't work out.

For me, I knew I had found my wife the first day I met her, and I had never dated before (I had decided not to date until I found the one I was going to marry).

Many are skeptical that a person who had never dated could identify their lifetime partner the first day they met her. I believe that it comes from a lifetime of carefully (though not perfectly) following after Christian principles, observing others in their relationships, and going through enough life experiences to shape your character. Instead of looking for a date, start looking at yourself - How do you want yourself to mature? What have your experiences taught you? What have you observed in your parent's marriage that you would like to do differently?

I do believe that it is possible to develop the maturity to choose the right person the first time around, and have the perseverence to keep that relationship until marriage and through out marriage, and maybe even though out eternity.


95

To be clear - regarding "a visibly upset reaction" I mentioned...I definitely don't mean violence or verbal abuse. I mean "normal" things like crying or even anger over the situation (again... not cursing someone out).


96

Keith (#93) -- you're a puzzle. In your comments here you imply that you found "the one" and quickly married her, bypassing the "probationary period" known as "dating."

Out of curiosity, I read through your other comments on other blog posts.

Here you essentially are advocating for "following your heart," and then you acknowledge that you have a girlfriend. Which makes me wonder: Why are you dating your girlfriend, Mahal? Why not simply propose and get married this weekend if you believe she's "the one"? You're in your mid-20s, so age isn't a factor.

Let me suggest the answer: You are praying about her, asking the Lord to confirm to you that it's His will to marry Mahal. And that's good!

Elsewhere you explain that you "did the church hopping, did internet dating sites, speed dating, going to the library to 'accidentally' run into women, salsa dance lessons, cultural events where I knew there would a lot of Christian women, getting to know friend's sisters...." It really sounds here like you're fine with dating, in order to meet women and get to know about them, in order to better discern the Lord's will about whether to pursue one of them in marriage. And I think that's great!

Finally, you mention here that you sent out hundreds of job applications, and had a few interviews per week until you "ended up with a great job." I think that's admirable! The thing is, you considered various options, pursued some of them, gathered information about certain ones, likely prayed for the Lord's guidance, and then some time later committed to one. If it works for a job, it works for a relationship.

In your first comment above, you wrote, "If don't intend on marrying a person in the next short period, don't even go on that first date." If you say that about your relational pursuits, why not say that about your vocational pursuits: "If you don't intend on taking a job in the next short period, don't even go to that first interview." Of course that's silliness. Of course you need information to make an informed and prayerful decision. Thus job interviews. Thus dating.

I do have to wonder if you're being hyperbolic in order to facilitate discussion. Because in other threads you express a lot of good common sense.

I see that you associate "dating" with a "probabionary period." That's kind of an unusual way to describe dating. If we better understand why you use that term, I think we'll better understand why you have a problem seeing dating as an appropriate time to discern the Lord's will regarding a relationship.


97

After going through a very painful breakup last April, the only thing I know that really heals is...time. I had been dating someone for over a year, and was hoping marriage was in our future. Rather suddenly he ended it. I allowed myself to grieve - and trust me, I experienced all the typical grief feelings. Anger, fear, loneliness, sadness...it was all there. Months later, I finally came to the point where I could be glad I was no longer with my ex. I loved him - enough that I really looked past some things that really bothered me. Now I know that the break-up was the right thing, even if it was one of the most painful things I have ever experienced.


98

I don't know if it is OK to endorse books on here, but if it is this is one that was incredibly helpful to me during my "break-up" time. "The Path of Loneliness" by Elisabeth Elliot. It is well-marked now...and I am reading it through again.


99

(sorry this is a little off topic)

farmer Tom (Specifically #47 and #66): I know you anticipated negative response, and I appreciate your candor, but I guess I have to take issue with what you're saying here. There is a great, big difference between being completely self absorbed and being introspectively seeking God. A woman can be passionately serving her community and her church and still not be in the path of eligible men. Relatively speaking, as a single girl, I spend fairly little time sitting around my house, meditating on my misery and introspecting on how unfortunate my poor life is. I spend a lot of time helping my young married friends out with a night away from the kids. I host a bible study (in March I'll host two). I volunteer to help out when someone needs a hand with some odd task or another. I help out with the Young Adult group at my church. I spend time in the prayer room at my church - interceding for the community. In the past year I've personally housed Missionaries, aided with a Start-up ministry, given 10% of my annual income directly to mission work, and bought a car for a friend in desperate need of one.

I'm not saying this to toot my own horn - but the prevailing "you're just not trying hard enough" attitude. Yeah. That's bitter cold. This is not intended to be pious, but I'm not trying to serve eligable single men. I'm trying to serve God.

That being said, I think it's bizarrely a special kind of stupid that I should have to take up skeet-shooting or start attending monster truck rallies to meet men. Are you kidding me? Maybe men should come have tea parties and shopping days with us women? Isn't that equally offensive? Does that make anybody else go "Ew?" Don't ask me to sacrifice my feminity because men are too feminine to man up, seek me out and ask me out. I don't want you to sacrifice your masculinity to meet me. I am a woman. I don't ask you out. That is what dating is FOR. Man -Pursing is your JOB, suck it up, make a move. Don't expect me to fall into your lap, I won't do it.

Finally, I shouldn't have to reinvent myself to attract a mate. I have plenty of gender-neutral interests - unfortunately most of them are not conducive to meeting other people randomly (Hiking, Canoeing, Kayaking, Cooking, Video Gaming to name a few). For me to pretend to have an interest in something just to put myself in the path of single guys seems to me to be both manipulative and skeevy. Would you really, really want to meet a politically disinterested young woman at a tea party rally? Wouldn't you feel decieved once you discovered that she didn't share your passionate conservative interest in the Fair Tax?

---

Now, on the topic of breaking up - Distance can sometimes be the kindest thing. Everyone thinks that breakup and being friends is soooo mature and forward thinking - but it's the epitome of stupid. If your relationship wasn't worth the work to stay together, why would it be worth twice the work to be awkward pseudo-friends?

The kindest thing I can say is that sometimes you butt your head against the sovereignty of God and it HURTS and it sucks. But I'd like to remind you that it was GOD who lead Jesus to the Cross - so he could overcome sin, and GOD who led the Israelites into the wilderness so that they could reach the promised land, and it was GOD who directed the gaze of Satan to his devoted Servant Job - so that he might see and know and understand that God was bigger and fiercer and mightier and more awesome than even he - who was righteous - could understand. God is in no less control because of your breakup. He is Still in control and he is directing your steps to bring him greater glory. He does not make "all things work together for good for those who love him and are called according to his purpose" on the back end. He is working all things together for good BEFORE they happen. Before your breakup, he was working all things together for good. He is faithful and just - and in the end, he will lead you out of this present darkness and into a better place.


100

For what it's worth, if anything, here are some thoughts:

Of course, go to the Lord. Take it all to the Lord. Cast all your cares upon him for he cares for you (1 Pet 5:7).

Stick close to him for he is near to the broken-hearted (Psa 34:18). Talk to him. Tell him your heartache. Most of all, pray over his promises to you in Scripture.

In fact, if you can, write down his promises. The act of writing helps to imprint the words on one's heart. Then look back on the promises you've scribed when you feel you need them. I kept a list of Bible verses and passages that were meaningful and helpful to me. Such as Lam 3:31-33: "For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men."

If you find you can't do or say anything, simply sit silently before him, and weep. If Job's friends sat with Job for a week without uttering a word, surely the Lord will listen to you if you have no words to speak to him. Surely he who commanded us to weep with those who weep will surely weep with us (Rom 12:15).

In time, by degrees, he will mend your broken heart (Psa 147:3).

Consider keeping a diary or journal, and jot down whatever feelings and thoughts you might have.

Most of all listen to the Lord's heart speak to your heart in his Word. Again, if you can, please write down his promises. I've mentioned a few verses already. Please write these out. Write out others like Psa 23.

I don't know if I'm alone here but when I was heart-broken, I found it hard to focus on even the simplest of things for more than a few minutes at a time (e.g. reading, praying). What helped was to do bite-sized prayers and reading instead of attempting to spend, say, an hour doing one's devotions. All I could do was to open the Bible to the Psalms and pray over one or two psalms like Psalm 6 for a few mins. At the same time I'd slowly lisp God's words back to him. It felt tedious (or worse) to do so. But by God's grace I kept at it. I found when the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart are the Lord's words reflected back to him, it was acceptable in his sight (Psa 19:14). He strengthened me to breathe another breath for him when I felt as if I could no longer breathe, when I felt a panic attack coming upon me, when I felt my life ebbing away.

A little pamphlet (no more than perhaps 20 pages) called "Behind a Frowning Providence" by John J. Murray was tremendously helpful to me.

D.A. Carson's How Long, O Lord? was helpful as well but not until afterward. I mean it's not necessarily best read in the midst of the heartache and pain.

I hope it's not insensitive of me to say but some blows cut deep and some wounds leave scars which we'll carry for the rest of our days in this fallen world. But God's promise is that no matter how severe the wound in the end he will "make all things new" (Rev 21:5) and "he will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away" (Rev 21:4).

If this is too much or if it's too hard to keep all I've said in mind as your emotions might be wreaking havoc on your train of thought and the like as happened to me, please remember one thing: look to Christ, go to Christ, pour out your heart to Christ, who has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows (Isa 53:4) and was wounded for our transgressions (Isa 53:5), for he comes with healing in his wings (Mal 4:2).

Here are a couple of posts which might be helpful to you even though they're not specifically about break-ups: here; here; and here.


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Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
by Ted Slater on 02/05/2010 at 2:33 PM

Breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend can be so disorienting. I know: I've gone through several failed relationships, including with two fiancées.

This morning I received an e-mail from a young woman who's in the midst of dealing with a broken relationship. She's given me permission to share it here:

* * *

I've recently ended a long dating relationship. It's been 5 months and I'm still in a great deal of pain, but he's moved on -- with an ex-close friend of mine.

I'm desperately in need of some wisdom on overcoming a love lost. We were together for three years and through that time went through some very emotionally intimate things (while maintaining very strict physical boundaries) that made us very close. He also told me that he loved me and that he wanted to marry me, but never followed through with a proposal.

Though we've had no contact since the break-up, I'm finding it extremely difficult to overcome this heart break. I do not believe God wants us together, but I don't know how to pick up the pieces now that we are apart. What do I do with the death of dreams, memories and time -- and what do I do with the searing pain of having been one's first and only love, especially now that he's so quickly moved on?

Any biblical advice would be helpful!

* * *

I have to confess that the first thought I had was, "Three years? Whoa, that's a long time to stay in a non-marital relationship. Maybe some of our readers can take your painful story as a warning against being in such an unintentional relationship for so long."

And I have to confess that the second thought I had was, "What kind of 'physical boundaries' can you have with someone when you're 'emotionally intimate' with them for three years?"

OK, now that I've got my cold-hearted first reactions out of the way (and let's not dwell too much on my admittedly un-empathetic reactions), let's get to the real issue here: How can we come through such heartache, after such a lengthy and vulnerable investment of time and emotions? What does the Bible say that can help us heal and grow?

We have published a few things over the years that may or may not be directly relevant:

And now this is where I turn it over to you, as most of you have had to work through the loss of love, and most of you are biblically literate. What words of comfort and counsel do you have to offer from Scripture and from your personal, painful experience?

Comments

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1

I have that song stuck in my head now...


2

I just need to say...

You can't slap an expiration date on relationships. I keep reading things (some of them here on Boundless)like "Been dating for a year? Get married or break up!" or "No woman with any self-respect will date a man for more than two years without a ring." I recently got engaged to my boyfriend of over three years. It was hard to be patient and I often wondered why we weren't taking the next step, but I was determined not to pester him or deliver an ultimatum (even though many people encouraged me to do so.) If I had delivered an ultimatum or dumped him after a year as your articles would suggest, that would've probably ended all chances of marriage for me.


3

Interestingly, I was thinking it'd be good to have a blog about this topic...

I think one primary thing is to meditate on Christ's sufferings, and pray that He would use this experience redemptively.

Another thing is to keep praying for healing, and not to deny that you hurt. Pray that you'll be rebuilt and restored. Read and meditate on the book of Nehemiah. Isaiah, too. Both books speak of restoration and hope.

Meditate on Christ as He is portrayed in the Book of Revelation. Here we are reminded of His triumph, His strength and compassion, and the fact that one day He will wipe away ALL our tears. I have taken comfort in the "here and now" through those words, because of the reminder that there WILL be an end eventually, and that Jesus CAN wipe away my tears even now. It's not instantaneous, but a process.

I also find it healing to meditate on nature, and to consider the seasons. God has designed our world with signs that point to His ability to bring light into the darkness and growth out of the cold, hard ground.

Pray about God's justice. Not in the "GET HIM, GOD!!!!" sense, but in the sense that God will bring about that which is just and right, in His time.

Another idea - one time after a breakup my friend asked, "Which fruit of the Spirit should I be praying into your life?" I thought that was an interesting question. I chose kindness (and maybe another). Kindness is especially important because it's easy to get bitter, hard, and unforgiving. In fact, your initial reaction MAY BE a lack of forgiveness, or anger, but prayer for the Spirit's presence will take away the hurt and eventually rebuild Christlike character, love, kindness, and forgiveness.

Finally, stay sensitive to God's Spirit.

*************

By the way, this type of article prompts the questions that always come up when this topic arises: How can the breaker-upper move on so quickly? And with the ex's friend, no less? It just seems so bitterly cold. And I never seem to hear *that* side of the story.


4

I do have one problem with this line of thinking, "I do not believe God wants us together". Most of us assume that based on the results of a broken relationship.

And while in some cases that may be true, I think for the most part relationships working are based on the decisions we make. So I wouldn't look at it as God didn't want you together, but that choices were made (no matter who made them) and that person couldn't make the decisions necessary to be my spouse. God understands losing the love of someone close. And God provides even in the midst of pain and loss. But I think we would be better if we didn't lay bad things at God's feet in the sense of He didn't want it to be but in that He knows the choices we make and He can bring someone capable of making better choices into our lives.


5

I don't think three years is long at all if two people are in college.

When I was in college tons of my friends waited 4 years or more to get married, and some even longer than that since they had also dated through High School.

I don't know if that helps though.

Breakups always hurt at first but eventually with time a new person comes along to replace the one that was lost. God may have someone even better in store for the future.


6

We need to talk more about emotional intimacy and dating in the Church! There is a focus on physical boundaries (which is very important)but it is very easy and very common to "court" or date seriously and become emotionally bound before the commitment of engagement has taken place.
How do you set appropriate boundaries with your boy/girlfriend (especially when you're parents are not involved in setting the boundaries for you)? What are they? What does one do if they encounter an intense trial while they're dating and walk through this together and it brings them closer together?


7

The one thing that helped me the most when I went through a time of loss like this was to ask God to remove my desire for that person from my heart. I didn't want to let the guy go, I wanted to want him. But finally I asked God "Help me to let him go. Take away my desire for him." and that was when I made a real turning point and started to feel better.

The second thing that helped a lot may sound silly but it's very important. Don't listen to sappy love songs! I tortured myself by listening to those songs for hours while I cried in my room. It only made me feel worse and caused me to cling to my sadness.


8

#3 (Tami)

By the way, this type of article prompts the questions that always come up when this topic arises: How can the breaker-upper move on so quickly? And with the ex's friend, no less? It just seems so bitterly cold. And I never seem to hear *that* side of the story.
***

Oy vey, I may as well talk. I was engaged to a guy who looked perfect but wasn't nice to me in private. Still don't know why I stayed with him long enough to get engaged. He moved from his state to mine to be with me. Just after his proposal he wanted me to move back with him. We had a disagreement because his mother didn't like me, so much so that when we were on dates she wouldn't stop texting him. We ran into financial trouble and she blamed me even though he had been responsible for the money and hadn't let me in on any of the details.

We finally broke up rather and he left. A month later I was still getting over the whole thing when a friend and roommate of his started helping me with transportation. His kindness after the harsh messiness of the break up was like January to July. He became a close friend and confidant as I started to deal with my own (first) broken heart. A month later he asked me out. It started pretty small but he accepted me in all my baggage. He talked me through unpacking it. He cared for me when even I didn't. Eight months later I'll confidently say I'm in love with him.

It may seem harsh or cold what I did, and I wondered a million times if I was making the right choices. But now, looking back I really think I did.


9

"What do I do with the death of dreams, memories and time -- and what do I do with the searing pain of having been one's first and only love"

This is what really stuck out to me, and first off, I'm sorry for the pain youre going through. Seeing and my ex-fiance and I separated a little over a year ago, ive been through a lot of what you are describing.

Memories: Be grateful for the memories you did have. Ask God to help you forgive when needed, and take the good out of whatever happened. With all the terrible memories I had, there is still a long list of good things i learned, and honestly, some of the things i didnt realize until a year after the break up.

Dreams and Time: This was probably the hardest part, and possibly different since I am a male. I delayed my dreams for someone, and it didnt work out, and it killed me for the longest time. But God has given me the courage to move on, to pursue my dreams by myself, which doesnt always feel like flowers and sunshine and a good Christian feel-good song, but God gives me strength sends people to encourage all the time. Sure, there have been a lot of days with tears, meloncholy, etc.

My strategy for moving on was to make new memories, which can sometimes be very hard. I tried new things, visited new places, made new friends. I visited family for the first time in years without her, and at times it was hard, but i made it. You also have to have a vision of yourself moving on. Personally, one of the most exciting moments in my life was asking her father for her hand. So several times i've imagined having that conversation again, and it gets me excited.

Also, it's ok to grieve, if it takes you a year, or two years, be ok with that. If you want to stay at home on a friday night, be ok with that. Being a Christian doesnt mean youre immune to pain or you get over things more quickly. I would also recommend the book "how people grow" by cloud and townsend. God uses people, dont go at it alone.

And lastly, sorry for being "that guy" that posts a long post. In the pain and suffering, ive now been able to identify with people who have been through painful experiences, and for that, I am grateful.



10

I'm sure this is going to be a comment which gets a lot of negative feedback, but, that's nothing new.


My advice, when you you wreck your car, tear your clothes, break your dishes, etc,

you get something to replace them,

so find a new guy.

Part of your pain is the prospect of being alone, so quit being alone.

See, one of the reasons that the guy can move on, is because he has found someone to replace you. That may hurt, but sometimes reality hurts. The longer you remain alone the harder it is for you to get over the pain, because you are (and this is really harsh) focused on yourself and your pain.

You focus on building a new relationship with someone else, putting your time and energy into learning about him, and I guarantee the pain and heartache will soon disappear.

In my opinion, one of the reasons we suffer so much pain and heartache after I breakup, (and I've been there done that) is the tendency to focus on self and what in happening in our life instead of forcing ourselves to make our focus on others.

You would not experience nearly as much pain and heartache if you are busy serving others.

I'm sorry if this was harsh, but, you asked!


11

An article I found very helpful in adjusting to the new singleness God wanted me to be in, was Singled Out For Good: http://www.uconnruf.com/downloads/Singledoutforgood.pdf. It made me cry several times because while I was hurting so badly, it was incredibly comforting and painful to hear that God is completely good in this time and is using it for good. It really helped me to focus back on God's good promises to me. That was back in July. So much growth in godliness and trust took place back then. I really wouldn't take it back :)


12

In my experience, time is the only cure for post-relationship pain... and it may take awhile.

I think the poster is very smart to have had no contact for 5 months. Keep that up!


13

Cat (8), thanks for sharing your story.

If the guy was unkind, and his family wasn't embracing you, and then you move on to someone who *does* embrace you... I don't blame you at all.

The situations that are mysteries to me where things are moving along, and then BLAM, without explanation, one decides to end things, with the excuse of "I'm not ready" or whatever... only to start dating someone else right away.

And Farmer Tom, I agree that it's best not to selfishly center on one's own pain. It's healthy to be around others and care for them. But if finding someone new was that easy, especially after a rough breakup... well, we'd all be doing it. ;)

I feel sad that the "dumpee" is the one left to deal with the pain. I guess that's why I suggest meditating on the justice of God. You get to see how God is working in the situation. And I don't just mean you see the dumper get justice... you see how God works on behalf of the heartbroken one as well, and how He willingly teaches the broken His ways.


14

In response to obewan, #5: Why didn't they at least get engaged? I have never understood the long dating relationships myself. After you get to know the person, you either know whet you should marry or you don't. If you think you should, get engaged. If you don't, then break up. I had a long engagement, but at least I knew where the relationship was headed.


In response to the question... the easiest way for me to get over breakups (after the initial Ben and Jerry's cry all the time phase lol, which luckily I have only been through once), I try to go through a renewal. I don't know if that would be Biblical (except maybe sorta Romans 12:2), but I make resolutions to myself. At first they start out sinful (I am going to lose this weight and get out there and get involved with a bunch of activities so that he will realize what an awesome girl he lost!!!) but then they turn to "I want to lose this weight for me/get a new haircut because it fits me better/get involved in a new hobby because maybe I will meet new people, or contribute to my community." I guess it is another example of God taking something sinful (vengeful thoughts) and turning them into something good (a renewal of sorts).


15

Words of comfort? 4 words:

There's another train comin!


16

Ted, if you managed to get engaged and then mess it up twice, why do you get to criticize the recently heartbroken with a tsk-tsk, you-shoulda-known attitude? I'm frequently amazed at how much of a pompous jerk you are.


17

I am so sorry for all the pain you are feeling. I know that there must be so many levels of hurt going on, and it will take a while to heal.

I hope that you have people who love you and who you trust who you can pour your heart out to when you are feeling those surges of pain. It is so important to speak about it and not hold it in. I think it helps us to process what we're feeling when we speak it. And I hope you find someone willing to share in the pain with you, to cry with you and pray with you. Sometimes the load doesn't feel so heavy that way.

One thing I have learned after a painful breakup is the importance of controlling my thoughts. After a relationship when I was the one dealing with rejection, I found myself thinking a lot of the guy I had dated as well as the break-up, and this would bring so much pain. I think for a while after a break-up, it’s pretty much impossible not to think about it! But over time I realized that I needed to stop, or the pain wasn’t going to go away. I came to understand that it was a matter of taking every thought captive, because a thought could enter, but it was under my control to dwell on it or not. What I decided to do was every time I began to think about him or the situation, I chose to say a short prayer for him and leave it there. This was very, very helpful to me, and after a while the thoughts came less and less to begin with, and there was healing.

I also want to mention that I found I am very prone to “making up” scenarios in my head, e.g., imagining a happy ending to the past relationship over and over, having conversations in my mind with the guy I had been with, etc. I have learned that this also does not help, but only prolongs the healing process. It guess it was my way of holding on to something that wasn’t mine to hold onto anymore, and it definitely made it harder to let go of!

I want to echo what Justice said in his post as well… healing does take time, and it’s different for everyone, as we all have a different situation and personality. It’s vital to not beat yourself up if you’re still grieving, even if most people around you think you should be “over it” by now. The important thing is to be working on healing and asking for God’s help in the process. I pray that you will find healing as you continue to lean on the Lord and remember that there is hope in your future... because your future is held and seen by the One who loves you with a perfect love.


18

First of all, it's not "easy" to be emotionally intimate and not be physically intimate...but it is possible. I did it. I will never do it again, but as a VERY inexperienced 19-20 year old, I did it.

As to getting over the break up, give yourself time to actually grieve the relationship. Try not to focus just on the bad or just on the good...but think of what you learned, what you overcame, how you grew. Think also of things you missed, things that you felt held you back. While you can't turn back time or recover exactly what you missed, use that as a learning experience to not let those things get away from you in the future.

Try to talk with someone older or more experienced. If you have a mentor, pastor's wife, family friend, etc who is older by a few years (or a few decades)...they will most likely be fountains of help and information. They will pray with you, pray for you, and help you from getting too depressed or self-absorbed.

You must establish your own identity again. It's so easy to be in a "John and Jane" mentality that when it's "just Jane" now, you don't remember who you are on your own. Remember that even without "John" that you are still a child of God and He still loves you the same as He always has in the past.

Do something different to get out of a rut/routine. Did you always wear your hair parted to the right? Try parting it on the left, or pulling it straight back. Always get highlights? Try lowlights. Did your boyfriend like you to wear a certain color? Avoid it for awhile. Was your "usual" going to Burger King for a shake? Try Arby's next time.

It's harder if you shared the same social circle, but if you have friends that didn't hang out with the two of you together, try spending more time with them. If you go to the same church, think of any of your friends who love their church and have a group and ask to tag along with one of their social outings. Same goes with school or work friends. Cultivate new friendships to get new faces around you.

Whatever you do...don't spend twice as long as the relationship lasted trying to get over it. I made that mistake once and it's one of the worst mistakes ever. I once read an article that said that after a tough breakup, it can take up to half the total relationship time to get over it. If you were in a relationship for three years, then 18 months isn't out of the question to heal up before you're ready to open your heart again.


19

Oh, and for once...in a nutshell...I agree with Farmer Tom! =)


20

The best biblical advice I can give comes from Romans 5:3-5

"...but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience: and patience, experience; and experience, hope. And hope maketh not ashamed, because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."

Sometimes God lets His people suffer, but the suffering distills down through this process detailed above and ends up in a heart widened to love better and deeper.

Whenever a suffering or relational hurt comes my way, I offer it up to God and ask Him to teach me how to love more. I think a number of other people's advice amounts to the same thing -- love. Love is the best use for your suffering, and also the best balm to heal it.

Also, all of Joel chapter 2, especially verses 21 through 26.

"...and I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten..."

I would say that jumping into another relationship right away might not be the best thing to do. Rebounds work for some people, but for many they just wind up hurt again, before the first hurt had time to heal. I do recommend stretching yourself to consider being interested in other people, however.

God bless!


21

A.(#16), I know nothing of Ted's situations, but did it occur to you that Ted might have been on the "hurt" side of those relationships rather than he to be the one who had "mess[ed] it up"? Just a possibility.


22

@ #(16) A.

Ted didn't mess it up. God had bigger and better plans for him, which included a better wife. And I'm sorry, I don't get that vibe for the attitude or jerk part of what you said. Your comment is actually kinda hard to take seriously.

***

Anyways, Ted I hope that pain from your past feels really distant now. I've always thought that breaking it off with a fiance would be one of the hardest things to go through. Of course, better then than in marriage. I'm sure you feel the same way now.

I just went through a really rough breakup (fairly) recently. I'm just now starting to heal and really feel like I'm able to move on. The best absolute best thing for me has been God surrounding me with a group of believers who care about me; people to share new memories with.

Depending on how hard the breakup was, for me often times it's best to not even think about romantic relationships and focus more on friendships. And really just distance myself from the old things completely. It's like taking the bandage off too early if you fall back into talking with them and all that.

I went through some real times of loneliness, but God has provided me with some awesome new relationships. I honestly believe the more you are plugged in to a community really grounded in Christ, the faster you will heal.

God doesn't keep us in those valleys forever...eventually we start that steady incline out of them and into a new season of life! And those are always super exciting! :)


23

I'm not intending anything quite as harsh as #16, but if current wife was fiance #3 (and you add in who knows how many additional relationships that didn't make it to the post-proposal stage), are you really the best person to be offering relationship advice... other than the "been there, done that" sort of empathy or the "I've messed it up every way possible"? Three fiances is pretty much two more than almost every Christian man I know.

Does this sort of thing explain Boundless's attitude towards men?


24

A. (#16): He let your comment through, didn't he? I'd say that's a gracious response for a 'pompous jerk' to character assassination.

I dealt with (well, survived) romantic disappointment by spending lots of time with Jesus and His words, doing fun and unrelated things with my girlfriends and giving love letters and dead roses the burial they deserved. I don't think rebound relationships are fair on the new party, but certainly, I felt better dreaming of the possibility of finding someone else than dwelling on the past.

There is much to be said for "giving thanks in all circumstances". What can you see about where you are and where you've been for which you can thank God?


25

Abbie (#6) wrote:

>>What does one do if they encounter an intense trial while they're dating and walk through this together and it brings them closer together?<<

Often, those couples get married precisely because they realize this is a person who will stick around when things get difficult, for better AND worse, as it were...


26

There's a few different Elisabeth Elliot responses to the precise events in the article.

First, she has one story where a couple met her and her husband at after a speaking engagement. Upon learning they had been dating for two years, asked if they were engaged. When they said no, simply asked why not. If I remember correctly, he stammered a bit them proposed.

Note that she does not advocate women taking initiative by giving an ultimatum. Instead, she strongly suggests that older mature Christians have some responsibility to encourage men to make a decision and not waste a woman's time - or lead her on causing her to miss legitimate opportunities for marriage with someone else.

I kind of blurted this out recently to a guy when I learned he had been dating someone for three years. Since then I've spoken with them at church twice. I of course haven't said this in front of her. But I'm sure he remembers the private conversation. He was a bit shocked when I said that out loud. I don't think anyone had said it so bluntly before.

Second, Elliot cautions men to not say the three words, "I love you," unless they are immediately followed by four more, "Will you marry me?" It means that it is a promise that one never goes back on. Her brothers followed that advice which originally came from her parents.

Finally, Elliot lost her first husband to murder and second to cancer. Oddly enough, she doesn't suggest rushing right out and replacing what was lost. But she has written a few books, such as Path of Loneliness that address the subject quite well.


27

@A. (#16)

Totally uncalled for. You're entitled to your opinions, but there is no reason to insult people (esp. in a public forum!).

I'd suggest that if you have an issue with Ted, you send him an e-mail rather than making comments like that which only detract from the discussion. And if you have an issue with the content posted here, why are you reading it?


28

I can't relate to a three-year relationship or the level of emotional intimacy involved there.

My first boyfriend broke up with me after a year together. Toward the end of the relationship, I had sort of been able to see it coming; but I had also thought there was a future there and it hurt when he left.

One piece of advice a friend gave me after the break-up was that it takes about a week to get over the initial shock of the break-up, before things start returning to normal. She was right. But that doesn't mean things stop hurting within that week.

I think two things I was doing helped me to move on, although they were both unconsciously done at the time. The first was that after the break-up we basically stopped speaking to each other. Initially, (for me at least) that was because it was too difficult to be around him; but because we were in the same circle of friends I didn't think it would last and I didn't make a conscious decision to break ties with him. However, as life went on we began to move in different circles and the natural progression of things was such that I've seen him only a handful of times in the 3.5 years since we broke up.

The second thing was keeping busy. Our break-up came a couple of months before I finished university, which meant end-of-semester assignments, exams, house-hunting, finding work, moving house. In the initial period after the break-up my friends were great and gave me their time and a distraction, but as the year drew to a close I really didn't have time to dwell on what had happened. (And for me as a person, free time is the absolute worst thing when I'm hurting - because it gives me lots of space to dwell on the hurt and feel sorry for myself. Having other people or other "things" needing my attention takes the focus off me.)

I guess the most I can advise is to try to live a normal life. Because while it's hard to just pick up the pieces and "get on with life", there is a life out there waiting for you. And when (if) the time is right, God will bring someone else into your life.

[FWIW I'd advise against going out looking for another guy. Let God do the matchmaking - He knows when the time is right, and He knows who the right person is!]


29

I surely know how the reader feels right now, more than she could ever know… Since I know the feelings of brokenness and depression because of a deep and an intense unrequited love (and I am talking about pure, platonic love), both as a non-Christian and a Christian, I would suggest that the reader runs for God and clings to God as fast as she could. Only in Jesus Christ, one can find true joy and true healing, because Jesus is the healer of the broken and the “living water” that can raise up a dead person to a new life and new joy, as Jesus still does miracles today. Sometimes we, as human beings, place our love too much on the things we can see, such as the things of the flesh and we forget about the power and joy of the Spirit of God. We tend to fall in love with the things of the earth so much so as to even worship them and not be able to live without them. Boyfriends and spouses can also turn into such objects of worship which can take even the place of God as first in our hearts. I know this from my personal experience.

Hence, when we make our joy and power dependent on another fallible and sinful creature like us, we make ourselves so much more vulnerable. Our joy and power should come first and foremost by God and His Spirit. If our joy and power come from God and His Spirit, so much more our love for other people will increase whether they accept us or reject us because our joy will not be dependent on them but will be dependent primarily on the forgiveness and grace of God. Indeed, when a man and a woman become one, either physically or emotionally, it is hard to break one whole into two separate parts – after all, that’s how God made us to have two different but complementary parts come into one. God is in the business of healing broken people and bringing joy to the suffering. Look at Jesus on the cross, Paul in jail and the other apostles who were chased and beaten, they still trusted in God even in their most painful and loneliest moments, because they knew God is always good and God’s ways are the best. Read, read, read the Bible and apply all its principles in your life, that’s my only advice to the reader. God is the only one who can heal our deepest pain and give you what our heart truly desires. To follow God and read our Bible devotions daily is an intentional choice regardless of how we feel that moment as this is the only way we can turn into the seeds that have fallen into a fruitful soil and remained and over time produced an abundant harvest. That’s the only way we can remain in the faith – it’s a choice to throw away everything and put our trust in God. Then God will lead us where we need to be until the day where we join Him in His kingdom.


30

#saraL:After you get to know the person, you either know whet you should marry or you don't. If you think you should, get engaged. If you don't, then break up.

you speak as if it's so easy. it may have worked out so clearly for you, but how long does it take to know a person to the point of whether you should marry or you don't? a couple of months? a few days?! are there really standards for these things?

is it always so black and white? what if you want to, but he's still thinking about it, but not saying no yet, and there seems to be hope. what if at first things looked bright and rosy but after a year things changed?

i don't knw, i just feel that we shouldn't assume that one experience is the same for all.


31

This might seem light or cliche, but honestly, it will get better with time.

I went thru a similar situation, and within a month of him and I finally deciding "no, this isn't God's will", he was dating someone else. It was SOOO hard, but time as really helped. It (getting over him) took longer than I wanted it to take, but with prayer - asking God to help me not want to be with him, and to help me forgive him for the hurt he caused - I can honestly say that I am over it now. At times, the memories come back, but as someone's already said, focus on the good ones.


32

I was seventeen and six months out of highschool when I started dating the guy I married. We'd been dating 2 and a half years when we got engaged, 3 when we got married. I was 19 when I got engaged and 20 when married.

To have dated for much less than that would have been stupid at our age.

Delivering an 'ultimatum' after a year - when I would have been 18, not even half way through my degree, and my boyfriend not yet finished his either - would have been stupid, too.

If you didn't want us to "dwell too much on (your) admittedly un-empathetic reactions" then perhaps you shouldn't have included them.


33

Justice #9, your comments on dreams and time describe perfectly a lot of feelings I've had.

After a break-up, the shapes of our dreams may have to change.

I used to listen to "Time is a Healer" by Eva Cassidy. Maybe it isn't strictly Biblical, but it's true. It make take months (hopefully not years), but one day you will look back and realize that you have been delivered from the pain. And God will redeem the time.

You are not a robot that can just switch into a new mode. God made you an emotional creature, and you don't have to feel ashamed or weak for having loved.

What do you do with the pain? I would say, pour it out to God. In song, in journalling, prayer, whatever. Then make some small goals and move on with the rest of your day.


34

Farmer Tom said "My advice, when you you wreck your car, tear your clothes, break your dishes, etc,

you get something to replace them,

so find a new guy.

Part of your pain is the prospect of being alone, so quit being alone. "

That is very, very bad advice. That, Farmer Tom, is what is called a 'rebound'. When that happens, a person often latches onto someone who is all wrong for them, simply for the sake of not being alone. It will most likely end in disaster, because they'll get attached, but then realise they are all wrong for each other, and be forced to go through another hurtful breakup.

Finding a mate for the sole purpose of not being alone is, frankly, STUPID.

Focusing on serving others is a good idea. But finding a 'replacement' just to smother your pain is selfish and not serving the other person.

I know you might often have some clashing ideas with other people Farmer Tom, but this suggestion is just lacking common sense.

Sara L - why get engaged if you're not going to get married for another 2 years? I've always thought long engagements were stupid - shouldn't be getting engaged if you're not sure you're going to marry, and if you're sure you're going to marry, then do it soon. Not to mention, if they'd been dating since highschool, it's possible that in that transition period, say between ages 16 and 19, when you grow and change a lot, they might realise they don't want to get married. My husband dated a girl for two years in highschool, and not long after graduation, she broke up with him. Why tell two eighteen year olds "at least get engaged, even if you can't get married for another two years"?? There's just no point.

Suggesting people who are hardly more than kids "at least get engaged" is ridiculous... breaking off an engagement is much messier than breaking off a relationship.


35

I'm sorry about the pain that you are in... I know what it feels like to still hurt after it seems like you should be over someone. The most helpful thing I've found is to replace the ex's role in your life... but not with another girlfriend/boyfriend. Jumping into a new relationship when you are still not over the previous one can be dangerous, and is not fair to the other person. However, when in a dating relationship that person fills a number of roles in your life - companion, encourager, playmate, study partner, handyman, etc. I find that if you can find several friends (and if they are same-gender, it's less confusing) who can each play a role in your life, it fills some of that void left by the lost relationship, which makes it easier to finally move on.


36

E. (#21) suggested "that Ted might have been on the 'hurt' side of those relationships rather than he to be the one who had 'mess[ed] it up.'"

I appreciate the benefit of the doubt, E.

In all honesty, though, I bear primary responsibility for the hurt and failure of my first two engagements. I was more ignorant then than I am now, was more selfish then than I am now, and treated these two women with less respect than they deserved.

While I've still got my share of ignorance and selfishness, I've learned a lot since then. Perhaps others can learn from my mistakes and sins, as well as from the young adult research I've immersed myself in over the past 4+ years.


37

I don't think it's true that all the pain of a breakup goes to the dumpee. I was the dumper in my last relationship, and it was awful. I didn't want to hurt him, I didn't want to be alone again (I didn't have a backup person to jump to, which I suppose makes a difference for some dumpers like the one in the OP), and I felt petty and cruel the way things went. After I told him it was over, I cried for several hours. He mostly seemed angry with me, and his reaction kind of reinforced that I had made the right choice in ending it, but I still felt selfish and petty for making it.

That was six months ago, and I'm still a little trepaditious about dating anyone again...I don't want to cause anyone else that kind of pain.


38

Ted,

"I've learned a lot since then. Perhaps others can learn from my mistakes and sins, as well as from the young adult research I've immersed myself in over the past 4+ years."

I was thinking that, and while I agreed with your concerns in your main reply, sometimes there's a better virtue in offering comfort far far ahead of critique. Especially when what's done can't be undone, or even easily repeated.

That said, to the OP

Just be nice to yourself, and make sure you don't get too isolated. Stay busy. Was there something you wanted to do, but hadn't tried before? Now's the time to do that.

Time is going to ease this, but time goes by faster when we're active. :)


39

I just have to say that I love how BDB knows his Elisabeth Elliot!


40

SaraL (#14):

After you get to know the person, you either know whet you should marry or you don't. If you think you should, get engaged. If you don't, then break up.

I have to agree with B in comment #30. The divorce rate is so staggeringly, tragically high because people do not take marriage seriously enough before they get married. You are talking about spending the rest of your life with a person, 60, 70, 80 years, maybe even longer. Is going on a handful of dates over the course of one year enough to make a wise decision with those stakes? Maybe for some people, but I think those that choose to approach the second most important decision of their lives with more caution should be respected rather than vilified.


41

B (#30) wrote:

>>is it always so black and white? what if you want to, but he's still thinking about it, but not saying no yet, and there seems to be hope<<

If HE is saying no, that suggests SHE was the one taking initiative.

While it is trendy to talk about how men need to take more initiative, Elisabeth Elliot is the only Christian writer I've come across who explores what happens whe women initiate. I'm convinced that many of the men who are described as "unwilling to commit" by their longtime girlfriends are in relationships initiated by the woman.

Which is, perhaps, how some people seem to move on so quickly. A guy enjoys the attention from a woman who takes initiative. But then he meets someone else and is motivated to take initiative himself with that other person.


42

Since some people are taking swipes at Ted, let me just say that when Ted first published his wedding photos, my though was, "Hmmm...maybe this Ted guy knows what he's talking about."


43

I'd like to address the rush-out-and-get-a-new-boyfriend suggestion from another angle.

Where is God in all that?

Why not first sit down and pray about where God would have you spend your time? How about praying about what you OUGHT to be looking for, rather than just finding another person of the same type that didn't work out?

As a practical matter, this does two things.

First, it widens your social circle. You can start volunteering or doing something else with a new group of people. If you are following God's leading, this will put you into situations where you will learn new lessons and possibly gain a better understanding of the kind of person God might be directing you to - someone who is kind, for example.

Second, there may be a man near you who you volunteer with who has noticed your good characteristics in the course of volunteer work - but has said nothing becaue he knows you are attached. Some women gush about their boyfriends to everyone when things are going well, then remain silent after a break-up. Unless you're one of those people who immediately changes their relationship status on facebook, eligible alternatives may have no idea your status has changed. If you suddenly start showing up to volunteer activities because you "have a lot of free time now," it provides opportunities for such individuals to approach you.


44

I so agree with Abbie in Comment #6!

(Sorry this is kinda late, but I've had Internet issues at home, and only now have been able to join the conversation.)

While I have not been dating anyone for years now, I have been convicted I need to give up a friendship with a close male friend. I think God is telling me to "sacrifice it on the altar." (NOT a marriage altar, to clarify!)

I know my friend and I won't ever get married, and I am guilty of "emotional intimacy" with this person, as with other "special friends" (for lack of a better term for someone who was a close friend but never "more than friends.")

If "physical intimacy" can include seemingly innocent hugging, then, yes, I am guilty of that too.

With this friend, this cycle has to stop. I now realize how wrong I've been in trying to be "just friends" with guys. There were some blessings, but more hurt.

I would love if "the right one" would step in as soon as I tell this friend goodbye. I had hoped that the next "special friend" that came along in the sad cycle I've been caught in, might be "the right one."

Instead, though, I see that God just brought them into my life to test me, and I FAILED. And I don't think God is going to put any man in my path until I pass whatever tests He has for me.

So now, I must just focus on being "married to God." I don't know how exactly how that will work, but I have learned the hazards of putting too much stock into male friendships.


45

Why do people have the need to use "pompous" and "jerk" in the same insult?

Is it an attempt to sound intelligent when insulting someone?

How ironic?

Anyway, to the OP, I can tell you personally, you will "get over it" when the only person you are content to be with is Jesus and at a place where you would be happy to be with someone, but okay to not be. That's usually when He brings the person that's right for you into your life.

AND when the healing is complete!


46

BDB

"A guy enjoys the attention from a woman who takes initiative. But then he meets someone else and is motivated to take initiative himself with that other person."

Based on my own experiences, I agree. If the guy's not really interested, it's like he gets a big ego boost, and it whets his appetite for the relationship he really wants.

So he's ready, and in a good emotional place to find someone else.

I can't say I haven't made that mistake though. :(


47

42. BDB said,

"Hmmm...maybe this Ted guy knows what he's talking about."

HA!! I agree, although I had another thought,

"She doesn't really look blind, what does she see in him?"

Leah,
I expected a response much like yours, that's fine, you have a right to your opinion. I wonder though, how's your extended focus on self and suffering doing? How long since you had a date? How long since you were thinking about someone other than yourself, and trying, actually trying to find someone to replace the guy your pining over? A year, two years, five years? See all your introspection and narcissism is going to be kind of empty when your 45 and never married. Of course I could be wrong, maybe the self centered, woe is me, I'm getting over some loser who dumped me act, is supposed to bring fulfillment in life. I can guarantee you that that kind of attitude is not attractive to a guy who is looking for a wife though. My immediate response to that kind of female in my dating years was to run like h*** in the opposite direction. Ever heard the term emotional wreck? Most guys with a modicum of sanity do their very best to avoid women who are into drama and introspection on the level that fawning over a broken relationship for months and years requires.

But, you have a free will, do what you want, just remember that the next time I hear some female whining about how there are no good guys available, we will all know that they are simple full of it. They've simply been to busy feeling sorry for themselves to look around and see who's out there.


48

I agree with Jeremiah (#12), it does take time and like any other type of grieving, there is no set timeline (though I do understand the desire to have it quickly diminished). I would also add that avoiding contact may feel more excruciating at the time, but reestablishing contact only further entangles the heart. I would encourage you, dear writer, to hold fast to a break of contact. You have our best wishes.


49

43. BDB said

I'd like to address the rush-out-and-get-a-new-boyfriend suggestion from another angle.

Believe it or not, I actually thought about not posting that my comment because it did not give any Biblical backing.

I'm not discounting prayer, time for healing or simply trusting God. Rather I was suggesting that too many claim to be doing those things, while in reality they are wallowing in their pit of sorrow and self pity.

The rest of your post (43) is exactly what I was trying to say, probably not nearly as well as you did. When a person quits focusing on self, and begins to look for opportunities to serve, to be "out there" and active in settings where Godly men are available, they will spend far less time "suffering for Jesus".


50

BDB: i think you might have misread the comment. i wrote "what if he's not saying no yet"?

moving on, i guess it's pointless to argue about a single sentence when clearly many of these statements we make were lessons we drew from very specific circumstances, feelings, and situations which are often too complicated to describe over a comment thread at boundless.

of course, your views on the woman taking the initiative leading to men who are "unwilling to commit" breeds the question of what truly initiative looks like--does it mean asking him out for a coffee, or could it be defined even as responding enthusiastically to a text message he sends? if the relationship later does not work out because the man decides to call it off, should the woman blame herself for asking him out first, or sending one too many smiley faces?

furthermore--what kind of responsibility does a Godly man have in the face of a woman he is clearly attracted to (both physical, emotional, and character-wise, yet is not 100% sure he wants to marry yet? we all have different answers to these questions, but perhaps it would not be wise to prescribe a one size fits all solution, which may often sound condescending and hurt even more-- but rather, be encouraging and GENTLE in our words to people who face such decisions which require much discernment, so that they can hopefully make them in an attitude in line with God's word?


51

BDB:

Out of curiosity, which Elisabeth Elliot book are you referring to? I am just curios because I recently started reading some of her books and would like to read what she has to say about navigating guy-girl relationships.


52

Ted,

First of all thanks for not "censoring!" LOL Whoever said he wasnt qualified (forgot who) that is exactly the reason he opened this up.

PEOPLE, I dont think what Farmer Tom said was really that off. In the year since my broken engagement, I dated quite a few people, and they taught me a lot. I saw how i approached things in the wrong way with my ex, but I also was amazed at how many awesome women there are out there, and a couple of them were so nice, I almost cried when no one was looking, because i was not treated that well before.

My ex and I learned so much from the heartbreak. I looked to other things to ease the pain, and saw how people get addicted to ANYTHING. I saw how much my friends were there for me, would listen to me complain about the same thing over and over, listen to me late at night, and for that I am forever indebted to others. I cant speak completely for my ex, but a lot of good things came about that wouldnt have, had we gotten married, and i believe she is better off, even though my pride will sometimes suggest otherwise.

Elizabeth,
Yes! it's crazy getting over stuff. I treated getting over it like everything else on a to do list or project, I gave myself six months to get over it and was surprised when my logic did not work :) Writing helped, as did screaming so loud and deep that i lost my voice! Pain is not passive, i dont get my people try to act like its all rosy and you have to be all smiles because you have Jesus. Jesus yelled, threw tables, cried, etc.


53

What a great topic, breaking up is indeed hard. The thing is God is always working even in the midst of a breakup. He was able to spare me (and my bf) much of the pain of our breakup a few years ago. Granted it wasnt easy by any means because there was a painful number of months of seperation and confusion. A few years ago I broke up with my boyfriend because he was not a christian and I felt God wanted me to end the relationship. At the time we had been together about a year and a half. So it was really hard on both of us, and he really did not want to just give up and regularly asked me to get back together with him. A few months after the breakup he miraculously found God and became a Christian. I realized I should at least give things a chance and we were friends for a few months before getting back together. So in the end God both redeemed and restored my relationship with my bf. What seemed like an awful waste of time and emotion was not. I really think God brought us together in part so my bf would come to God. This gives me a lot of confidence that God wants us together now. Which wasnt true of our relationship before I broke up with him. I always had that deep down sense that it wasnt quite right, it just took me a while to get the courage up to do the right thing. Which then let God do his thing and make things better than ever for both me and my boyfriend.

Thats my unique story to share of how God lead me to end a relationship so He could fix it. Breaking up is indeed really hard, but you never know what great things can happen when you do it.


54

I know some people will disagree, but I believe that unless there is abuse or infidelity, that breaking up is always sinful.

We should treat our pre-marriage relationship as seriously as our marital ones. We should view not as some sort of probabionary period. If don't intend on marrying a person in the next short period, don't even go on that first date.


55

I have read Boundless for years and always found it to give me the wisdom and hope I so desperately needed. Today was one of those days . . . After 14 months I am still struggling with a break-up and, as I initiator, I wonder if I made a mistake since I am more depressed and hopeless now then when I broke up with him. Of course, I at the time I prayed and followed what I thought was God's will; I obediently broke up with him. It has now been over a year and I am not any better, however I am not drinking (which I did as a teen) and I am still leading a Bible Study for gr 6 girls when I'd rather be in bed. I feel so hopeless but with the small mustard seed of faith that I do have, I keep going.


56

#45

John, I know you mean well, but...

that is the worst, old-wives tale advice you could ever give someone. How do you know when God will do something? You don't. A spouse is a gift. And by definition a gift is something we don't deserve but is given in love.

After being with someone for three years, there is going to be alot of pain in a break up. You don't just "get over it". It takes time, patience and prayer. But God is not necessarily waiting for her to "get it". God saw Adam and said it was not good for him to be alone. This idea that we have to be cool with being single first is non-sense. This is the very thing that drives us to find a relationship. I think we should all spend time in the word seeking examples of how God works in relationships. I think we will be surprised at just exactly what God will do.


57

"Anyway, to the OP, I can tell you personally, you will "get over it" when the only person you are content to be with is Jesus and at a place where you would be happy to be with someone, but okay to not be. That's usually when He brings the person that's right for you into your life."

I have to disagree completely. God made Adam and Eve to be with each other, meaning he built us to be in fellowship in the context of marriage and friendship. What you are saying, I dont see in the Bible, but only in Christianese language.

In the book "how people grow" it really emphasizes that it isnt just you and Jesus that brings healing, but rather that Jesus uses the Body, the church, to bring healing and growth to one's life. In reality, what you are saying, almost amounts to manipulation of God to get what you really want, another significant other by pretending to be content when in reality you really want someone.


58

Ted, IMO, it takes a strong man/woman to openly admit their mistakes and take at least some responsibility for past break-ups. Especially on a public forum, as someone else mentioned. I applaud your humility and growth for not going off on this young woman whom posted nasty comments. You have shown that you are the bigger person.

My response for the woman asking for help is that my heart really does hurt as you hurt, because I have been crushed before by similar things. My advice would be cast the whole care of your concerns over on the Lord, for He cares for you. Give your heart to God, trusting that He will not leave you comfortless. Remember, He is a very present help in times of trouble. So, as you go through this, you can trust and believe that He is going through it with you. He loves you just that much!!! Also, please believe that God would not allow you to go through this breaking process if He didn't have something or someone even more special behind all the pain.

There is a blessing waiting at the end of every breaking and know that the aroma of this difficult process is getting God's attention. It is a sweet smell in His nostrils. There's a book by Dr. Charles Stanley called the blessing of brokeness that has helped me tremendously!!! May God continue to be with you through this process.


59

Jane!!!!!!!!

Hang in there bud! Kudos for not looking to drinking, it took a long time for me to give that up after the breakup to props for that. Im not sure of your situation... but I would encourage you to find some life-giving things to do. Maybe a hobby you have stopped pursuing, or try something you normally wouldnt do. Are there some things youve been wanting to do? If so, get out there! I hope you have some people to go to and vent, it makes a world of difference. It's ok to still be broken about it, just keep praying, even if you stay up all night praying and fall asleep in frustration. Trust me, I drank, had far too many one week or less relationships to try to cope with the pain, and God's goodness is far superior and He is close to the broken-hearted. Hang in there bud


60

As a guy who struggled (struggles?) with relationships, I resonate deeply with the person who asked the question. I hope those of us who struggle will find rest in Christ, become genuinely broken before Him, cultivate a passion, and take risks in loving people and God. It's the only way out and it is worth the risk. Be careful of listening to friends. Hear God.


61

#10 - So, Farmer Tom, where is this magic place where I just go to find the "next guy"? You act like there are just men lined up someplace and I go pick the next one in line? Sorry, but the world of dating doesn't work that way!


62

Keith (#54) Are you serious??? I hope you are just trying to stir things up and really don't think that a person should not date unless they are planning on marrying the person. How do you suggest a person should get to know their potential pre-engagement partner?


63

Laura (#51) - the one that specifically analyzes when women initiate is called Quest for Love and was written in response to all the letters she received from people who had read Passion and Purity.

I actually didn't agree with it for the first six months. Her other books pretty accurately caputre God's character, though. So I watched people. And eventually decided she was right.


64

And, farmer Tom (#49), I will acknowledge that there is some truth in what you said. Someone new can ease the pain.

Here's a different example though.

Say a person believes deep down that missions and tithing are two things God has set before them as expectations. But maybe they don't talk about it because they are interested in (or involved with) someone who refuses to consider those things. They may be able to keep it quiet for a while, but it will probably create some tension somewhere. Each person may even be fervently praying that the other see the light.

If this eventually triggers a breakup and/or the other person starts dating someone else...well, might not be happy about it, but it might be one of those cases where the answer to prayer is "no." Going forward, it might be better to put that stuff on the table during the first lunch. Better to find out if you're on the same page up front.


65

Keith (#54) -- I emphatically agree with Carol (#62).

It's true that there are many fine paths to marriage. In some cultures, pre-marital guy-girl relationships are treated as pre-marriage. And such a path can be consistent with biblical principles. In some cultures, marriages are arranged and no "dating" even takes place -- I don't see anything *necessarily* unbiblical about that either.

But in our culture, among Christians the purpose of most pre-marital dating/courting relationships is to determine whether or not to marry. Dating (or courting), then, is absolutely *not* to be thought of as pre-marriage, but as a time intentionally set apart to explore the Lord's will.

Sure, we should take this season of dating/courting seriously. But not as seriously as marriage. A "successful" courtship could result in determining that no, it's not the Lord's will to marry. In such a case, if a break-up results, then that's a good thing.

It's not that I frown on those couples that enter into a dating relationship knowing that they'll marry. That does happen from time to time. What I disagree with is that someone *needs* to know they'll marry someone before they start dating that person. Totally -- TOTALLY -- disagree with that. As Carol pointed out, in our culture how can you even *know* the Lord's will about a person unless you spend *intentional* time with them?


66

# 61, there is no magic place, I didn't say there was, but,

staying at home and feeling sorry for yourself doesn't work either,

I hesitate to say this because it may derail the thread, and the topic is well worth pursuing,

my advice if you are looking to find a guy, is to look for guys where guys do guy things,

examples, find Christian guys who do some of the following, then go where they are

take some martial arts training,
take up some of the shooting sports, such as hunting, shooting targets with pistols or rifles, shooting trap, skeet or sporting clays,
start learning about motor sports, such as car racing, truck and tractor pulling, motorcycle or ATV racing,
learn something about politics, visit a tea party gathering,
have some Christian guys do some carpentry/home repair, or remodel for you,

If you don't know of any Christian guys, you haven't been looking where they are,


67

With all this talk about Ted's wedding pictures - what's the link to them??


68

Larissa (#67) - the pictures are here.


69

Christina Holder (author of "The Little Black Box") just wrote a six-part series on this exact topic. She talks about two difficult breakups she experienced and what she learned in the process (right here). A big area of her focus is on letting go even though it's painful. The first article in the series was published today and there will be one published each day through Friday.

Larissa (#67), I find it amusing that Ted and my wedding pictures are being commented on. But since you asked, here's the link they are referring to: http://www.boundlessline.org/2007/05/my_wedding.html


70

My advice would be to keep busy, learn some new skills, stay active with your church and friends, volunteer for something, and hang in there.

Eventually, your first love isn't the one who matters. Your last one is. :)


71

Ted,

"In some cultures, marriages are arranged and no "dating" even takes place "

I know a few people with arranged marriages: their parents take a huge role in determining whether or not the couple is first suitable and then compatible. So it's kind of like the parents do the "dating", in a sense.


72

kaj (#44): Thank you. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one in that situation.

I've been convicted by Jesus' words that we must deny ourselves and take up our cross to follow Him. My "special friendship" was terribly selfish, and I needed--and still need constantly--to remember that life isn't about realizing my own desires. And more than that, Jesus Himself is THE ONLY ONE who can make self-denial worthwhile. It's so hard--Christ doesn't relate it idly to crucifixion!

I hope, kaj, that you do meet a man whom you will be able to marry and will do so joyfully. I find myself not wanting anymore to get married--and waiting for the New Earth, when it will no longer be an issue...


73

To #61, I'd say I'm right here! Lol, but 1. We're keeping it anonymous, B. I probably live too far away, Tres. Is Spanish for three, and IV. I think this is a really good topic to seize upon. I don't think it'll derail the thread either. I've been dealing with a very bad breakup myself, and even though it was over 6 months ago I still get those pangs of hurt over someone I can say I was legitimately falling in love with. How do you move on when you can't find that next person? Where I live, culturally and linguistically, the dating pool is slim in the extreme! Time may have healed wounds for the most part, but for my two cents it isn't easy to move on when you aren't at least meeting and talking to women in whom you'd be interested. I've immersed myself in hobbies, but there's much to be said for time in the company of amazing women!


74

Oh man, have I EVER been there.

My personal story is not weird or unique, but at the time it felt that way. I was saved January 2, 2007. I attended church all my life, did the AWANAS program, committed to youth group, won awards, all that jazz. While I made a profession of faith at 7, it was not genuine. So, going to college, I got into a serious, marriage-like relationship (you get what I'm saying) for 2 and a half years. Well, I began to doubt my salvation (or so I thought) and I came home to talk with my pastor. We talked about fruits of the spirit and I came to the realization (after God opened my eyes) that I was not saved. I got saved that day, through heartbraking pleading, repentance, and tears. I was truly "coming home".

But that's not really where the rubber meets the road. I had to go back to college, go back to my apartment, and to my boyfriend that did not understand a thing about what just happened. I struggled for two weeks trying to make it work. God was seriously tugging at my heart - when I was with him all I wanted to do was run. When I wasn't with him, all I wanted to do was be with him. I finally broke up with him; but, as some people know, you don't really break up when you "break up". We continued to hang out and call each other. Before we broke up, I told him he had to go to church with me. He did, and continued after we broke up.

Before breaking up with him, I began spiraling down into depression/anxiety. This was NOTHING I experienced before, and I was seriously afraid. I would drive home every weekend and lay in bed (something I loved to do) worrying myself sick about something. I didn't know what that "something" was. I'd sit for hours in the living room with my parents crying and trying to explain away what was going on. My mom would cry with me because neither she nor I knew what was going on. It's almost equivalent to being extremely uncomfortable, and not knowing how to fix what's making you uncomfortable. I prayed, I cried, I read scripture, I saw a psychologist and psychiatrist, was put on Ambien and Zoloft ... all the while my ex-boyfriend is out sleeping with several other girls.

Of course I was angry. It hurt; being heartbroken can make you want to do some crazy things. Fortunately, God showed me that all I needed to do was rely on Him. Nothing went away immediately, but I learned that continuing to "keep up" with my exboyfriend would only cause me to continue to hurt. I had to throw away stuff, stuff that was a reminder. I moved home my last year of school to get away from those memories - those memories I couldn't throw away.

God will heal you; He'll heal you through time. It will not be overnight and it will not be easy. I know our stories aren't the same, but I'm sure the heartbreak is similar, and that's what counts. God got me through the anxiety, the hurt, the pain - and he'll do the same for you if you rely on Him. Everytime you start thinking about it, pray that God will remove the pain - divert your attention to God and not on your exboyfriend.


75

My break up advice is always to take a couple days off. Cry, eat ice cream, watch romantic movies and yell "Liar!" at the tv. Within three days that gets old so go get your girlfriends and go out. Dance, have fun, remind yourself you've still got a life apart from him. You'll probably go home that night and cry because you missed him.

Never stop talking to your friends through the grieving process. Establish specific "safe people" who will never tell you to just get over it but will still shoot straight to you.

Cut off all contact with your ex. No phone calls or e-mails, or texts. He's probably grieving to and wants space. When you feel ready you may be able to re-establish contact but don't count on it.

Seek professional christian counseling if you still feel like the break up was yesterday and it's been a month. Sometimes we all need a little extra helping hand.

Flirt! Date! Find a new guy you like and let him know. Enjoy your singleness, even as you desire a new relationship.

Get a new hobby.

An absolutely the most important thing is to allow God to enter into the pain and show you why he wants you to walk through it. The hardest times are when our relationship with God grows the most. "I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain of God."


76

I'm just gonna throw this out here. Referring to arranged marriages (71), wouldn't that work. Under the definition of love found in 1 Corinthians 13, any Christian guy could get married to any Christian girl, and this marriage would work. I know it takes out all of the dream of a "fairytale" story and doesn't approach the concept of the attractiveness of the two...but it would work.


77

Keith (54): The term 'breaking up' has many meanings, as does the word 'date'. If we accept that a 'pre-marriage relationship' is something to be taken as seriously as marriage, then it's very likely that some pre-pre-marriage relationship would have to have developed first. At this point, all we have done is change the meaning of words, without actually touching on real behaviour.

Of course, if you are using the non-Christian version of the word 'dating', which includes everything traditionally restricted to marriage, then I think more people would agree with you about breaking up, but that isn't the common meaning of the word used by most of the comments here.

Otherwise, are you suggesting that one-on-one 'dating' should be restricted to engaged couples? This would be in line with many traditions, including the western Christian tradition in ages past . . .


78

Considering the length and depth of your relationship, it is not surprising that the pain is so deep. I am so sorry. I was once in a similar situation, and I found that there is no magic time table for getting through the grieving process. But the Word of God does speak very clearly into our pain. And it is the only true source of comfort and hope. As I look back now, I realize that during my deepest moments of pain, the Lord graciously used His Word to teach me truths I never would have grasped had I not been in the midst of such a trial. There are times we read the Bible to learn and to grow, and then there are times when we read the Bible out of our utter desperation and our great need of the Lord. The sorrow I experience placed me firmly in the latter situation, and for that I am now deeply grateful.
There is no quick and easy way to get over the pain of loss, but there are things we can do during a season of loss that will help us to respond rightly to our suffering and will help us to draw closer to the Lord in the process.
1. Cry out to the Lord. Go to the Psalms and cry out with the psalmist to the Lord. Notice that frequently (not always, but frequently) the psalmist will begin the psalm by speaking out of despair, but will end the psalm by reminding himself of the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord.
2. Camp out for a while in books like Hebrews and 1 Peter that were written to encourage and instruct believers who were suffering.
3. Remember that we have a Savior who understands our suffering and our temptation. (Hebrews 4:14 -16) Remember that He, too bore the rejection of sinful man. Let this time of sorrow bring you to a deeper understanding of our Lord's suffering. And let it awaken in you a desire to respond to suffering as He did.
4. Cling to the Lord's promises! And when you don't have the strength to cling, cry out to Him and ask for the strength that only He can provide.
5. Take the focus off of yourself. Look around for other people that you can be a blessing to. There may be someone who has a need that you can meet. There may be someone who needs to be welcomed into your church group. There may be someone who is walking through their own season of sorrow that you can walk beside. Share with them verses that the Lord has used to comfort you. (Don't feel the need to tell them the circumstances of your sorrow. Most of the time that will not be necessary (or helpful). But tell them that during a difficult time the Lord used this verse to encourage you.)
6. Study passages that speak of joy in the midst of suffering. Shortly after my break-up a friend quoted Romans 5:3-5 to me: "More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
At first I cringed a little inwardly. The pain was so fresh, I wasn't ready to think about how it was producing character in me. But then as she came to the end of the verse, I realized that hope was the very thing that I was lacking. I read the verse more carefully and realized that while it was very easy to understand that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, it was more difficult to grasp how character could produce hope. Later I realized that through suffering the Lord takes away the false hopes that we have had and replaces them with the true hope that we have in Him. I began to study James 1:2-4, the "Count it all joy..." passage. And I was particularly struck by verse 4 which says, " And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." I realized that while we are suffering we are usually focusing on what we lack, but God's Word promises the very opposite. Suffering will produce steadfastness which will bring us to a place where we realize that we lack nothing. I then turned to Hebrews 12 and was especially struck by verse 11: "For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Again, when we are suffering one of the things we most obviously lack is peace. But this verse promises that through trials the Lord will produce in us the "peaceful fruit of righteousness". What a promise! The Lord will grant us peace as He refines us to His image!
7. Remember that to have joy in the midst of suffering, we must fight for it. John Piper's book, When I Don't Desire God: How to Fight for Joy was especially helpful to me. Another book by John Piper called Future Grace was equally helpful because it reminded me to put my hope in the promises of grace that the Lord has for us in the future of eternity.
8. Remind yourself of the truth of the gospel daily. Remind yourself of the wonderful mercy that God showed us through salvation when we were yet sinners. In times of sorrow it is very easy to lose sight of God's goodness. Remind yourself of the greatest display of God's goodness - the cross. Then read Romans 8 and ponder the promises God has made to those He has saved. There were days I felt so disoriented, that I couldn't be sure of anything. God felt distant. It seemed that I had been abandoned. But the one thing I was certain of was that God through Christ had saved me. And as long as I could hold onto that truth, I could be led to the rest of God's promises. Romans 8 tells us that those the Lord has saved He will conform to the likeness of His Son. The Lord could not abandon me. He was committed to my good for His glory! And He would use this painful circumstance for my good to conform me to image of His Son. The Lord was for me, and nothing could separate me from His love. Ephesians 2:7 reminded me that God saved me "so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus".
9. Read the book of Job. I made a practice early on. Whenever I began to feel angry because of my circumstances (After all hadn't I sought the Lord before I went into this relationship? Hadn't I continued to seek the Lord every step of the way? How could this have happened?), I turned to final chapters of Job and read them. As Steven Curtis Chapman sings (from this passage) " God is God, and I am not." And I needed to be reminded of that!
10. Study what the Bible has to say about forgiveness. Ken Sande's book The Peacemaker helped me to see that when we've been hurt we have the opportunity to live out the gospel in the lives of others. Remember that forgiveness is a process and a step of obedience. We don't have to wait until we feel like forgiving in order to forgive. We can commit to forgive and then with the Lord's help begin to "take every thought captive". Forgiveness is one of the most beautiful and powerful ways that we live out the gospel. As a people who have been forgiven much, we should reflect the forgiveness we've been shown. I know that no matter how deeply someone has betrayed or offended me, no one can sin against me as deeply as I sinned against the Lord before I was saved. As I struggled to forgive I came across a quote by John Piper where he said that just as we rest in the knowledge that our sins have been forgiven, we must realize that if the person who sinned against us was a believer then their sin has been paid for on the cross by Christ. How can we hold onto something that the Father has forgiven?
I can tell you that those days were long and hard, but the Lord is good and He has brought me through! There is hope on the other side, my friend! Our God is a Redemptive God and redeems every sorrow. Trust Him. Cling to His Word. And know that His promises are true.

*The name listed is not my real name. Since this is a public forum, I did not want to post anything that might point to the identity of my former boyfriend.


79

Leah #34 - "Why tell two eighteen year olds "at least get engaged, even if you can't get married for another two years"?? There's just no point."

I was 17 when I got engaged, and while I haven't been married long now, people have commented on how strong our relationships seems (and is so far lol, although I am sure in our marriage we are bound to have some really rough spots!). I think if you aren't ready to be married, then you shouldn't be dating. So if that 16-19 year old isn't ready to give up that part of their life, they shouldn't be dating. Period. I didn't want a long engagement, but due to various reasons it was our only option. I don't suggest them to people, but I don't think people should discourage them either depending on the circumstances.

B #30 - "is it always so black and white? what if you want to, but he's still thinking about it, but not saying no yet, and there seems to be hope. what if at first things looked bright and rosy but after a year things changed?"

I don't think it is always so black and white, but I was in a similar situation to the one you hypothetically referred to in my last year of high school. He was sure he wanted to get engaged right after we graduated. I really liked him, thought we was a wonderful guy with great character but I wasn't 100% sure. Sorta like the Boundless radio cast where the girl knew the guy was great but didn't LoVe him lol. Anyways, we decided to (or I guess I decided to) tone down the relationship to just friends. I thought it would give me a clearer picture about whether we should be together... and I was right, it did. And we weren't meant to be.

Perhaps it is just my personality type... I know whether I mesh well with someone within a few months of meeting them, and that is just knowing them as friends.



80

This actually reminds me a lot of my current situation, only we were together for close to 5 years and it's been just over a year since it ended. He's now engaged to someone I would have considered a good friend. Many times I feel like I'm still getting over the break-up, even though I initiated it and I knew (know!) that it was (is!) the right thing. One of the most helpful components to my "recovery" process has been talking out all the issues with a dear friend in a similar (yet different) situation: somehow to validate all those hopes and dreams and fears and "what now?"s. It sounds trite, but the Lord has grabbed my heart in other ways, too, and spending more time in the Word and becoming more involved in a local church has helped me be a LOT more content with my current status in life, even though I'm sure I would have told you that my contentment was found in Christ even before I realized how little I made Him a part of my life & emotional focus (closer to the beginning of that year ago).

It actually helped me a lot to find out he was engaged (after the initial emotional upheaval) because it closed a lot of those "what if" and "if only" doors that kept my little flicker of hope alive that someday eventually we might have both grown up enough to have a relationship worth salvaging. For some reason it also reminded me of all the reasons I knew it wouldn't work between us, and how much I hope that "my white knight" will actually be someone quite different.

I'd like to echo the above commenter's recommendation of the book of 1 Peter (especially chapter 5) and James 1. God does use times of hardship to increase our faith. In the last year there have been times that I've felt so far away from God, and sometimes not even inclined to seek Him in the midst of my wallowing of heart-sickness; but I do think that He's using that to form me into the vessel he intends for me to be.

The pain of lost love is deep, but God loves you infinitely more, and has better things in store for you. Trust His promises, for His ways are higher than our ways (Isa. 55:8). I still am not sure why He allowed me to "waste" so many years in that relationship when it was obviously not meant to result in marriage; but somehow I know that He can use that to greater further the Kingdom. I just need to be faithful in serving where He has placed me now.

I love the words in Ephesians 1:7-8: "In Him we have redemption... according to the riches of His grace which He LAVISHED upon us." I can't think of a better word to portray the amazingly generous over-abundance of grace and mercy from our Father than the work "lavish." That's where my hope lies.


81

thanks for the link Ashleigh and BDB... gorgeous photos!


82

I agree with commenter #2 about not putting a time stamp on relationships. A couple at my church just got engaged after dating for a few months. This may have been the perfect amount of time for them, but to me it seemed kind of fast. I like to take my relationships slow (I've rushed into a few relationships in the past, and am now somewhat cautious). I think some people just need more time than others to really make sure that they're doing the right thing. I don't see anything wrong with it.

However, if you're dating for three years, and for the last year and a half of it, you're having major doubts, you probably should have broken it off a while ago. I don't know. Relationships are too complex to be able to put a timeline on, in my humble opinion.


83

Oh, something I forgot to mention in my last comment, some people have additional reasons to draw out the dating period before they get engaged...waiting for one of them to finish school, waiting until they can afford it, etc.


84

#79 (saraL) I don't think anyone can tell anyone how to do love. It's not always something you ask for expect or want and sometimes it happens in the wrong time and place. Then you have to utilize self-control and wait for the right time. I'm in the ranks of thousands of christians in long term dating relationships during college. Simply because we can't get married financially doesn't make us not in love. It just makes us careful. Besides, I've had my hear broken enough times that I want maximum time to get to know him with the option to call it off for at least two years of dating. Yes, we have to guard ourselves from temptation. But we're pretty strong individuals. We'll make it.


85

Hi, I don't have the greatest words of wisdom but I think you need to ask God to help you move forward and move forward in His will for your life. It will be hard because that is a first love but he has moved on. I don't know all the situations that happened through out your dating but get it out, talk it all through with God about how your feeling and be honest with Him and most importantly yourself! Ask God to help you with that because He REALLY does know you!!!
Also possibly and I don't want to upset or offend - praying against self pity. You said he has moved on with an ex close friend would you have felt differently if they had not been your friend! Always be honest with yourself and like someone said don't be afraid to hurt but do keep moving forward with God.
Keep putting God first and it will be ok! God bless you!


86

@ Noah #76 -

RE: Arranged marriage

In a perfect world (take for example, the Garden of Eden) arranged marriages would work just fine. If love was treated as a conscious choice, nobody would object to someone picking out a mate for them.

Love is not treated is not treated a conscious choice, though. Many popular love songs focus on current feelings of love.

One popular one that was hung to so tightly by classmates of mine in middle school was "The Rose". Unfortunately, the mentality never quite died as people got older.

So, if one clings to these feelings of "love" and seeks to define the potential success of a relationship based on the presence or absence of these feelings they aren't aiming for love as demonstrated in Scripture.

Love is. Regardless of feelings, circumstances or what the other person does.

If the majority of people could live this out, arranged marriages would happen more often.

A popular pastor, on recalling a trip he made to India, spoke of a conversation he had with a young gentleman regarding arranged marriages. The young gentleman highlighted the difference in (prevailing) mentality about relationships between the Americans and Indians. The young gentleman said "In America, you marry the one you love. In India, you love the one you marry."


87

Hi, I just went through a break up recently and also in the recovery path. God has guided me to find some good Christian literature and articles about how to deal with it afterwards. Visit this blog -- I think it has some wise words for gals on the subject. God bless you more each day.


88

Thanks for the info, BDB. Sounds like a good read.


89

Noah (#76) and MrsLarijani (#86):

Arranged marriages are not generally a bad thing. Most of the time, it is the families--including the bride and groom--working together. Even in that culture, the sides do take attractiveness into account, but each side has a compelling incentive to be realistic, and there is more mentoring and preparation for both the bride and groom.

While this, like any other process can be abused, the system allows both sides to work in their respective best interests. Both sides have the incentive to vet each other, determine strengths and weaknesses, and help ensure that the match is good.

(If your family is helping you find a mate, they are not going to be likely to match you with someone they know you would not be attracted to, and then tell you, "but she has a great personality!" After all, they are YOUR family, and--as a general rule--are going to be looking out for your interests.)

The arranged marriage framework would also be good for the otherwise "difficult to marry" types.

I would not suggest for a second, that arranged marriages are a Biblical command, because they are not.

Still, I would tend to look favorably on arranged marriages. Done rightly, it can encourage proper childrearing, preparation, and cooperation between the respective parties.

As an IT professional, I've worked with my fair share of folks from India, many of whom have had arranged marriages. Functionally, they each had a say-so in the process. All of them have been quite happily married. In fact, I have not seen any of those marriages fail.


90

Well, I recently ended an 18 month relationship 10 days before the wedding. The heartbreak was the most painful that I have ever experienced. I made the conscious choice, choice being the key word, the let God carry, heal, and deal with my hurt. I am unsure how I got out of bed most days, but I did and I am better because of the whole experience. As a matter of fact, now being somewhat healed from the whole ordeal, I miss terribly the intimacy I experience with God through such incredible suffering. So, my advise to you is this: fall on your knees, cry out to God, seek him with every sad thought, memory and tear, and He will be there to carry you through. You just have to let Him!


91

I'm happily married now, with many broken relationships behind me, especially in my college years. Here's what I would say:

*First, thank God. For the fact that your breakup happened before marriage and not after. For the empathy and softening you will gain through this struggle. And for the better future he has for you, hopefully including a better and more suitable husband. Two of my Christian ex-boyfriends I cried over are now divorced---I don't know the details but I know it could have been me.

*Second, learn, learn, learn! Especially in this day and age when so many of us don't have a good parental marriage model, we do much of our relationship learning through trial and error. Were there red flags you missed early on that you can see next time before getting involved with someone? Use this break-up to develop your discernment as to who is truly compatible with you and who isn't. Also, what can you learn about healthy relationship development? Should you take the next relationship more slowly, etc?

*Third, as someone said, view this a a time of renewal. Of course, you will grieve, as you should. But it will be exciting to see how God can lead you into spiritual and personal renewal after a relationship break-up.

Just to encourage you, I am in a rock solid marriage now, to a man who is a far better match for me than anyone I dated previously. If going through all that pain was what it took to develop my discernment, grow me to maturity, and help me recognize the right one when he came along, well, then, I'm grateful for it.


92

From personal experience (and I had to learn a lot before I got there) I would say:
1) Embrace the cross, do cry, prostrate yourself in front of the cross (doing this in your mind is enough) and suck up God like a dry sponge....you will notice that rarely have you been closer to God than in these dry desertic moments...because you can absorb the fountain of life so much better.
2)Sublimate your pain.


93

While I wouldn't go so far as to say that breaking up, in and of itself, is a sin, I *will* say that it reveals that we live in a broken world. I don't think God originally intended for us to make and break relationships. But such is the world we live in.

However - as God's redeemed children, I *do* think we should be moving in the direction of making more Christlike choices in our relationships, and not take relationships so casually, with the assumption that "if this doesn't work out, we'll break up," and then *look* for reasons *to* break up (which you will likely always find... no one's perfect) rather than thinking about how to *build* the relationship.

I PERSONALLY think that most issues of compatibility -- the main reason for a breakup is over compatibility, not "he prefers weights to lunges at the gym, and I'm an aerobics kind of gal," right? -- can be discerned prior to a serious relationship. Not a dating, getting to know you relationship... a SERIOUS one. For example, if you start dating a close, long-term friend, whom you already know well: unless there's serious deception involved, you would probably be aware if there's something that absolutely bugs the living tar out of you, or which would make you a bad match (e.g., completely different goals) before you start dating seriously. So if there IS, DO NOT DATE THAT PERSON if that issue is not changing. Spare yourself, spare the other person, spare your friendship, spare your mutual friends.

Also I PERSONALLY think that breaking up should be as mutual as possible. Obviously the other person will not always say, "gosh, you're right... I totally see why we should break up." And there are times you need to break up, such as if you are dating a nonChristian, or if there is abuse involved. But if you CAN have a conversation, where you can healthily discuss things, it's wise to do that before you drop the breakup bomb.

Yes it's not pleasant to break up with someone. But you can't expect people to NOT be hurt, especially if you've made the decision to break up without having a conversation about it beforehand. Remember that if you're breaking up with someone, you've taken the time to come to that decision, while from the other person's perspective, it might come from nowhere. Therefore, a visibly upset reaction is not all that surprising. They need the time to process that you've given yourself.


94

I do think it is possible to know you have chosen the right person without going through a dating / probationary period which usually just leads to heartbreak when the relationship doesn't work out.

For me, I knew I had found my wife the first day I met her, and I had never dated before (I had decided not to date until I found the one I was going to marry).

Many are skeptical that a person who had never dated could identify their lifetime partner the first day they met her. I believe that it comes from a lifetime of carefully (though not perfectly) following after Christian principles, observing others in their relationships, and going through enough life experiences to shape your character. Instead of looking for a date, start looking at yourself - How do you want yourself to mature? What have your experiences taught you? What have you observed in your parent's marriage that you would like to do differently?

I do believe that it is possible to develop the maturity to choose the right person the first time around, and have the perseverence to keep that relationship until marriage and through out marriage, and maybe even though out eternity.


95

To be clear - regarding "a visibly upset reaction" I mentioned...I definitely don't mean violence or verbal abuse. I mean "normal" things like crying or even anger over the situation (again... not cursing someone out).


96

Keith (#93) -- you're a puzzle. In your comments here you imply that you found "the one" and quickly married her, bypassing the "probationary period" known as "dating."

Out of curiosity, I read through your other comments on other blog posts.

Here you essentially are advocating for "following your heart," and then you acknowledge that you have a girlfriend. Which makes me wonder: Why are you dating your girlfriend, Mahal? Why not simply propose and get married this weekend if you believe she's "the one"? You're in your mid-20s, so age isn't a factor.

Let me suggest the answer: You are praying about her, asking the Lord to confirm to you that it's His will to marry Mahal. And that's good!

Elsewhere you explain that you "did the church hopping, did internet dating sites, speed dating, going to the library to 'accidentally' run into women, salsa dance lessons, cultural events where I knew there would a lot of Christian women, getting to know friend's sisters...." It really sounds here like you're fine with dating, in order to meet women and get to know about them, in order to better discern the Lord's will about whether to pursue one of them in marriage. And I think that's great!

Finally, you mention here that you sent out hundreds of job applications, and had a few interviews per week until you "ended up with a great job." I think that's admirable! The thing is, you considered various options, pursued some of them, gathered information about certain ones, likely prayed for the Lord's guidance, and then some time later committed to one. If it works for a job, it works for a relationship.

In your first comment above, you wrote, "If don't intend on marrying a person in the next short period, don't even go on that first date." If you say that about your relational pursuits, why not say that about your vocational pursuits: "If you don't intend on taking a job in the next short period, don't even go to that first interview." Of course that's silliness. Of course you need information to make an informed and prayerful decision. Thus job interviews. Thus dating.

I do have to wonder if you're being hyperbolic in order to facilitate discussion. Because in other threads you express a lot of good common sense.

I see that you associate "dating" with a "probabionary period." That's kind of an unusual way to describe dating. If we better understand why you use that term, I think we'll better understand why you have a problem seeing dating as an appropriate time to discern the Lord's will regarding a relationship.


97

After going through a very painful breakup last April, the only thing I know that really heals is...time. I had been dating someone for over a year, and was hoping marriage was in our future. Rather suddenly he ended it. I allowed myself to grieve - and trust me, I experienced all the typical grief feelings. Anger, fear, loneliness, sadness...it was all there. Months later, I finally came to the point where I could be glad I was no longer with my ex. I loved him - enough that I really looked past some things that really bothered me. Now I know that the break-up was the right thing, even if it was one of the most painful things I have ever experienced.


98

I don't know if it is OK to endorse books on here, but if it is this is one that was incredibly helpful to me during my "break-up" time. "The Path of Loneliness" by Elisabeth Elliot. It is well-marked now...and I am reading it through again.


99

(sorry this is a little off topic)

farmer Tom (Specifically #47 and #66): I know you anticipated negative response, and I appreciate your candor, but I guess I have to take issue with what you're saying here. There is a great, big difference between being completely self absorbed and being introspectively seeking God. A woman can be passionately serving her community and her church and still not be in the path of eligible men. Relatively speaking, as a single girl, I spend fairly little time sitting around my house, meditating on my misery and introspecting on how unfortunate my poor life is. I spend a lot of time helping my young married friends out with a night away from the kids. I host a bible study (in March I'll host two). I volunteer to help out when someone needs a hand with some odd task or another. I help out with the Young Adult group at my church. I spend time in the prayer room at my church - interceding for the community. In the past year I've personally housed Missionaries, aided with a Start-up ministry, given 10% of my annual income directly to mission work, and bought a car for a friend in desperate need of one.

I'm not saying this to toot my own horn - but the prevailing "you're just not trying hard enough" attitude. Yeah. That's bitter cold. This is not intended to be pious, but I'm not trying to serve eligable single men. I'm trying to serve God.

That being said, I think it's bizarrely a special kind of stupid that I should have to take up skeet-shooting or start attending monster truck rallies to meet men. Are you kidding me? Maybe men should come have tea parties and shopping days with us women? Isn't that equally offensive? Does that make anybody else go "Ew?" Don't ask me to sacrifice my feminity because men are too feminine to man up, seek me out and ask me out. I don't want you to sacrifice your masculinity to meet me. I am a woman. I don't ask you out. That is what dating is FOR. Man -Pursing is your JOB, suck it up, make a move. Don't expect me to fall into your lap, I won't do it.

Finally, I shouldn't have to reinvent myself to attract a mate. I have plenty of gender-neutral interests - unfortunately most of them are not conducive to meeting other people randomly (Hiking, Canoeing, Kayaking, Cooking, Video Gaming to name a few). For me to pretend to have an interest in something just to put myself in the path of single guys seems to me to be both manipulative and skeevy. Would you really, really want to meet a politically disinterested young woman at a tea party rally? Wouldn't you feel decieved once you discovered that she didn't share your passionate conservative interest in the Fair Tax?

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Now, on the topic of breaking up - Distance can sometimes be the kindest thing. Everyone thinks that breakup and being friends is soooo mature and forward thinking - but it's the epitome of stupid. If your relationship wasn't worth the work to stay together, why would it be worth twice the work to be awkward pseudo-friends?

The kindest thing I can say is that sometimes you butt your head against the sovereignty of God and it HURTS and it sucks. But I'd like to remind you that it was GOD who lead Jesus to the Cross - so he could overcome sin, and GOD who led the Israelites into the wilderness so that they could reach the promised land, and it was GOD who directed the gaze of Satan to his devoted Servant Job - so that he might see and know and understand that God was bigger and fiercer and mightier and more awesome than even he - who was righteous - could understand. God is in no less control because of your breakup. He is Still in control and he is directing your steps to bring him greater glory. He does not make "all things work together for good for those who love him and are called according to his purpose" on the back end. He is working all things together for good BEFORE they happen. Before your breakup, he was working all things together for good. He is faithful and just - and in the end, he will lead you out of this present darkness and into a better place.


100

For what it's worth, if anything, here are some thoughts:

Of course, go to the Lord. Take it all to the Lord. Cast all your cares upon him for he cares for you (1 Pet 5:7).

Stick close to him for he is near to the broken-hearted (Psa 34:18). Talk to him. Tell him your heartache. Most of all, pray over his promises to you in Scripture.

In fact, if you can, write down his promises. The act of writing helps to imprint the words on one's heart. Then look back on the promises you've scribed when you feel you need them. I kept a list of Bible verses and passages that were meaningful and helpful to me. Such as Lam 3:31-33: "For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men."

If you find you can't do or say anything, simply sit silently before him, and weep. If Job's friends sat with Job for a week without uttering a word, surely the Lord will listen to you if you have no words to speak to him. Surely he who commanded us to weep with those who weep will surely weep with us (Rom 12:15).

In time, by degrees, he will mend your broken heart (Psa 147:3).

Consider keeping a diary or journal, and jot down whatever feelings and thoughts you might have.

Most of all listen to the Lord's heart speak to your heart in his Word. Again, if you can, please write down his promises. I've mentioned a few verses already. Please write these out. Write out others like Psa 23.

I don't know if I'm alone here but when I was heart-broken, I found it hard to focus on even the simplest of things for more than a few minutes at a time (e.g. reading, praying). What helped was to do bite-sized prayers and reading instead of attempting to spend, say, an hour doing one's devotions. All I could do was to open the Bible to the Psalms and pray over one or two psalms like Psalm 6 for a few mins. At the same time I'd slowly lisp God's words back to him. It felt tedious (or worse) to do so. But by God's grace I kept at it. I found when the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart are the Lord's words reflected back to him, it was acceptable in his sight (Psa 19:14). He strengthened me to breathe another breath for him when I felt as if I could no longer breathe, when I felt a panic attack coming upon me, when I felt my life ebbing away.

A little pamphlet (no more than perhaps 20 pages) called "Behind a Frowning Providence" by John J. Murray was tremendously helpful to me.

D.A. Carson's How Long, O Lord? was helpful as well but not until afterward. I mean it's not necessarily best read in the midst of the heartache and pain.

I hope it's not insensitive of me to say but some blows cut deep and some wounds leave scars which we'll carry for the rest of our days in this fallen world. But God's promise is that no matter how severe the wound in the end he will "make all things new" (Rev 21:5) and "he will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away" (Rev 21:4).

If this is too much or if it's too hard to keep all I've said in mind as your emotions might be wreaking havoc on your train of thought and the like as happened to me, please remember one thing: look to Christ, go to Christ, pour out your heart to Christ, who has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows (Isa 53:4) and was wounded for our transgressions (Isa 53:5), for he comes with healing in his wings (Mal 4:2).

Here are a couple of posts which might be helpful to you even though they're not specifically about break-ups: here; here; and here.



If you'd like to leave a comment, we're afraid you'll have to use a non-mobile device to do so. I just couldn't get the mobile comment entry form to work right. Alas. ~Ted.