- guardian.co.uk, Thursday 25 June 2009 00.14 BST
As mentioned in the post earlier this week on the music blog, Attack Attack!, an emo/post-hardcore/electronica/metalcrabcore/shit beat combo from the US state of Ohio, have been stunning the world – or at least the internet – with their crazy wide-straddles and their screaming-heebie-jeebie lyrics.
But which is the best moment in Attack Attack!'s Stick Stickly video? (Apart from the fade to black at 3.31?)
There is this lady for a start. A beautiful, classically angelic figure with palest skin, all dressed in white. I like to think that she represents the audience. Although possibly not visually.
There she sits, as we sit; both staring expectantly in front of us. She, at the old house. We, at the YouTube.
Is she waiting for her favourite artist (possibly Shakin' Stephens, though this is unconfirmed) to appear? If she is, she's out of luck, because these guys show up instead.
The moment we first see them, heads nodding frantically like a pack of novelty dashboard toys who've been nailed to the dashboard of a milk float delivering malfunctioning vibrators down a cobbled street. That's a pretty unbeatable moment.
The moment you realise that their feet are planted just the wrong side of too wide:
Just as described on the newly minted (and hotly debated) Wikipedia entry on Crabcore. That's also a cracking moment.
The fact that they manage to keep up the perfectly timed matching head-flail while playing their instruments (ish), singing (well, strictly speaking, this chap is the lead screamer of the band, so he's only doing what's expected of him), standing like they're sitting on partially deflated invisible gym balls – and managing this all once? In spray-on trousers and t-shirts that little bit too tight?
And all of this at such speed that their faces disappear into thin air like magic? That moment is nothing short of outstanding.
Or so you would imagine, until the moment a minute in, where two of the band – along with, we hope, the rest of them offscreen – leap in the air, perform a perfect guitar-flip back-kick manoeuvre while shouting 'WOO!'
Like a set of dancers representing Undead versions of Jonas brothers on a Halloween-Pride parade? Or just, frankly, like the Jonas brothers NOW? That moment tops all before it.
After that, it all goes a bit downhill. We see the woman, now sheltering inside the house, with her hands over her ears.
Which is understandable.
But then the song suddenly turns from metal into some kind of appalling mid-90s Euro-house tune, courtesy of this man:
Who stands taller than the rest of them, but possibly only due to some kind of groin strain.
At this, the pain of the angelic woman seemingly becomes even more acute.
Perhaps she thinks herself the sole audience and victim of this band, their song, and their insanely bad video.
But she isn't. There are millions, out there, watching it. Why didn't they scrap it and get a new one? You think. Well that's the interesting thing. They did. They made a whole other, less extreme vision. And then went with this one instead.
And I'm sure they're pleased with themselves too. As they wander off.
Into the sunset. Or sunrise. Or sun. Leaving this poor woman for deaf.
In fact, it's not just this woman, either. According to their Wikipedia entry, the band, six strong now and only two years old, already have three former members. Think of them, out there, nodding wildly at nothing, screaming at passers-by, possibly victims of some kind of bruised brain syndrome, from repeated violent shaking (I saw it on Law & Order once).
It's a terrible thing. Someone should do a fun run. For Victims of Attack Attack!.
No! We'll have a telethon. "Dear viewer, please help these former members of Attack Attack!, many of whom will man the phones, or would, if we could stop them headbutting the desks."
Attack Attack!: NOT A victimless crime crime.
