A new online video channel is reaching out to teenagers who are bullied at school for being gay. The message: life really does get better after high school.
The YouTube channel, called the “It Gets Better Project,” was created by the Seattle advice columnist and activist Dan Savage. Mr. Savage says he was moved by the suicide of Billy Lucas, a Greensburg, Ind., high school student who was the target of slurs and bullying. The channel promises to be a collection of videos from adults in the gay community who share their own stories of surviving school bullying and moving on to build successful careers and happy home lives. The first video shows Mr. Savage with his partner of 16 years, Terry. The men tell their own stories of being bullied, finding each other and becoming parents. This week I spoke with Mr. Savage about the new channel and why he decided to reach out to teenagers. Here’s our conversation.
Why did you decide to create a YouTube channel to talk to gay teenagers?
There was another suicide of a teenager, a kid who was being harassed for being gay. I put up a link to the story, and someone said in a comment that they wished they could have talked to the kid for five minutes to tell him it gets better. That’s always been my reaction too. I realized that with things like YouTube and social media, we can talk directly to these kids. We can make an end run around the schools that don’t protect them, from parents who want to keep gay kids isolated and churches that tell them that they are sinful or disordered.
Aren’t celebrities like Ellen DeGeneres and Adam Lambert already showing teenagers that it’s O.K. to be gay?
They see Ellen and Adam Lambert and Neil Patrick Harris. They’re good folks and important public figures, but those are gay celebrities. What are the odds of becoming a celebrity? What kids have a hard time picturing is a rewarding, good, average life for themselves. Becoming Ellen is like winning the lottery. But there are a lot of happy and content lesbians who we don’t see or hear from ever. Those are the people teens need to hear from right now. When a 15-year-old kills himself, he’s saying he can’t picture a future that is decent enough and happy enough to stick around for. Gay adults can show our present lives and help them picture a future.
The video advice you offer kids is to just hang in there. Why aren’t you telling them that you can help them now?
We can’t help them. That’s what makes gay adults despair and feel so helpless when we hear these stories. We can’t barge into these schools. I get to go to colleges and speak, but high schools don’t bring me in, and those are the ages that young gay people are committing suicide. I’ve read these stories for years. Because of technology, we don’t need to wait for an invitation anymore to speak to these kids. We can speak to them directly.
You’re an advice columnist who writes about other people’s issues. Was talking about your personal and family life difficult?
It made me more self-conscious. I don’t write about my life in my column. It was difficult. It’s going to be difficult for a lot of people. You can see people revisiting this part of their lives that they wanted to forget about. I don’t like to think about what school was like for me. It kills me when Terry talks about it because he suffered so much. The thing that was also difficult, we didn’t want to seem like we are bragging, but we wanted to talk about the things that are good and meaningful and give us joy, like going snowboarding or going to Paris. We don’t want to seem elitist. And we didn’t want to wallow in pain. We want to give kids hope for a future life that has pleasure and joy and family.
How is the channel going to work?
We want people to post their own videos and send me a link. I can select them and add it to the page. The Web site is www.YouTube.com/ItGetsBetterProject. It’s going to be interesting to see what comes in. I don’t want it to be “lifestyles of the gay and fabulous.” What we want to say to kids is that if you don’t win the economic lottery, and most people don’t, you can have a good and decent and fun life that brings love.
The first line of your video is, “High school was bad….” What kinds of things did you and your partner have to deal with in high school and middle school?
It was late grade school that was hard for me. I was really different, my head was in the clouds. I liked musicals. I didn’t make friends or hang out with people. Then I found theater. I got picked on a lot, even by teachers too. I liked to listen to musicals and bake, and my homeroom teacher found out and mocked me in front of the whole class for baking. I got beat up a couple of times in the schoolyard. It’s nothing compared to what Terry went through. He was beat up every day, stuffed into bathroom stalls. He could barely walk down the halls without being attacked. His parents went and spoke to the administrators and were told that they wouldn’t do anything so long as he insisted on acting the way he acted and walking the way he walked and talking the way he talked, and he was bringing it on himself.
Would hearing from gay adults that your life eventually would get better have helped you back then?
It did help me. When I was in high school I got involved in the fringe theater scene in Chicago, and I met some openly gay people. I could see that it got better, that they were happy and loved and supported. I saw with my own eyes that it got better.
Have you heard from any teenagers yet since posting the first video this week?
I’ve heard from bunches. I’ve gotten 3,000 e-mails in the first 24 hours. The ones that are really moving are the ones from straight kids who are telling me that they are e-mailing the link to their picked-on gay classmates and friends who need to see it.
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From 1 to 25 of 133 Comments
What a great thing these guys are doing. Hope it makes things easier and more hopeful for teens being bullied at schools.
Perhaps it will raise awareness on this problem, for both gay and straight people.
— LindsayWhat a great idea. It gets so much better after high school. I often feel like life didn’t begin until I graduated from high school. Of course, what really gets me is how many fellow high school students have since come out, too. The other message – for straight and gay kids alike… is that the geeks and misfits win out, in the end. The “cool” kids often peak in high school – and its all downhill from there. The rest of us just soar. Thanks for this.
— TLHDan Savage means well and I applaud him, but we MUST find ways to help teens in high school. I don’t think it’s acceptable to give up on the misery that gay teens deal with during the high school years. Let’s not forget that the adolescent brain doesn’t have the patience and perspective of an adult; myriad studies have shown that teens don’t really understand the concept of tomorrow the way adults do, which is why they can’t fully grasp the consequences when they do foolish things like drinking and drugs. It’s therefore unrealistic to just expect them to grin and bear the pain until a better day comes along. They can’t see that far. Like all adolescents, they are wrapped up in “right now.” We have to help them immediately.
— lTerrific work! But I just wanted to point out the great work being done by GSA’s (Gay-Straight Alliances) student groups in high schools in some states. I’m a straight Mom of 3 daughters, all straight but not just tolerant of the GLBTQ community – they are completely embracing our GLBTQ brothers and sisters. I’m proud that my eldest daughter was a founding member of the GSA at her high school in California. It saddens and enrages me every time I hear of another gay teen being abused to the point of taking their own lives. The blame lies not only on the abusers, but the adult school personnel that allow or even condone the abuse. Thanks Dan and Terry for all you do!
— A. HernandezIt’d be nice if this channel is able to retain its original intent.
One pressure that gay teens (and adults) face is that of having to be fabulous 24/7. While the message of life getting better can be lost when it’s coming from a partnered millionaire who rubs elbows with the elite, it’d be nice to here from a cross-section of gay society.
The seed has been planted by Dan Savage and his partner, but it’ll take so many others for this project to grow.
— ACThanks so much for posting this.
What a wonderful message to any teen who is the victim of bullying or “just” unpopular in the pressure cooker environment of high school.
I hope it reaches kids – straight and gay – and lets them know that middle / high school won’t last forever and life gets better. Never give up hope, never stop dreaming.
— HEVERYTHING gets better after high school. That message needs to get out to teens of any orientation. (It would have saved me a lot of grief in high school, and I thought –note, “thought” — I was straight.)
— ACWI wish these guys were around when I was in high school.
— S SmithKudos!!
I think this is a great way to reach our gay and lesbian teens and let them know that there is a world full of loving and supportive people who want the very best for them! Keep up the good work! Like the song says…all we need is love.
— LeslieWe really must do something about the LGBT children in our schools. These are American children growing up in a society that does nothng but make them feel like there is something wrong with them. It is an abomination.
I think the average person is ready to get rid of DADT and give all citizens their civil rights. It is the damn government and the people we elect to serve that are the hold outs. As soon as the straight community (and hetero males) show support for gay rights, our country will change. We have got to do something for the children. They should not have to suffer through school and should not have to believe there is something wrong with them. These are our children, and we need to care for them all like they are our own. Straight children need to be told the facts about sexual orientation. This is not a lifestyle that is chosen. Surely enough scientific discovery has concluded that people are born with their sexual orientation. People don’t choose to be gay and they don’t turn gay by association. That notion is ridiculous.
Come on straight community, where is your humanity? We must help the gay community and their children. It is straight people that have gay children. Is anyone aware of this?
I would like Dan and Terry to know that the video they have presented is touching, honest, and two beautiful men have testified to the world that being gay is not a negative and should not be considered a negative.
— irish1139I am 63, my partner and I have been together for 35 years.
— stephen kingI see this and am so inspired by what they have done.
No matter how far we have come, there is a long way to go, especially for teens.
Great work. You will save lives and lift spirits.
Good work, Mr. Savage. Teenage years are tough enough without having to feel ashamed of who you are and afraid of how others will treat you.
— collycollyI love Dan Savage. Thanks, Dan, for doing this. Maybe I’ll post a video of my own. Life DOES get so much better after high school.
And if Dan wants to forward to me the most critical cases, I’ll go to the schools and bash some heads into lockers myself. (Yeah, yeah, just kidding…mostly.)
— GregNo one should be bullied. Period.
Yet the truth is that the average life exspectancy of a gay white male–excluding HIV–is in the late 40s. The lifestyle is so obviously self-destructive. Sure, I believe many in this community really love each other, but doesn’t the horrible effect on their health make them think–what if this is really wrong? What is it’s against nature?
Smoking is bad for you. It can take years off your life. So is gay sex.
I am a teacher, by the way, and would kick out of my class ANY one who would demean any other person in my class, gay or straight.
FROM TPP — You are 100% wrong about this. The research you cite has been widely debunked. Since you are an educator, I’m sure you will be interested to learn more about it. I suggest you read an article on the Columbia University website about the seven deadly statistical sins. It cites this oft-quoted and inaccurate statistic as an example of one of the most common ways statistics are manipulated to promote a particular agenda. I’m not going to get into the technical details, you can read the article for that, but suffice it to say that this research is based on that oh-so-scientific approach of collecting data from newspaper obituaries. It’s ridiculous. For more on this flawed research, read the excellent article from Slate’s Walter Olson, appropriately titled “Mr. Virtue Dabbles in Phony Statistics.”
— MikeGreat idea!
— nelsonJust a thought– if you tell a distressed teenager that life gets better after school, their first thought may be about dropping out. My students, especially those struggling with emotional problems, tend to think in absolutes– if life is better outside of their school environment, why be there at all? Many of them, when threatened with suspension, will say “bring it on, that way I can go home and get out of this stupid place!” By discouraging suicide in the way that Mr. Savage has, it’s also possible to encourage dropping out to join the adult world sooner. Though his intentions are wonderful, it’s important to message more than “it gets better” to make sure that our teens get better, too.
— CaitlinVery thoughtful and intentional. Well done.
— MeganThis is a great project for all teens, and especially gay teens. Dan and Terry are lovely role models: down to earth, intelligent, thoughtful and compassionate guys. I hope many kids get a chance to see this and the films of many others. Voices like theirs need to be heard by all teens. Interestingly, I have heard Adam Lambert in interviews say many of the same things about what he would like to have been able to tell his 14-year-old self. Everyone needs to be able to find good role models. Thanks for putting this together Dan & Terry.
— susanI think the best thing Mr.Savage and his partner are doing is modeling their successful long-term relationship for gay teenagers.
What do we all want when we grow up? Most people would say a home, a good job, and a family. Gay teens need to be encouraged to have families when they reach adulthood, just like everyone else.
What better way to steer kids into a successful adulthood than by offering marriage as a goal for everyone, regardless of his or her sexual orientation?
Kids will always find some reason to tease other kids. But when marriage becomes normal for gay people, perhaps other aspects of being gay will become more normal as well, thereby eliminating some of the teasing and disrespect.
— Teri S.To #3 – I am not a pessimist, but I think this kind of intervention is the only way. Teenagers are not going to change. High school is not suddenly going to become an accepting place. Kids will always be bullied for being different.
Clearly some schools are poisonous environments, for a number of reasons – callous or religiously zealous administrators, or an atmosphere that encourages certain types of students to run the place. There is hope to change these attitudes, especially as homosexuality becomes more accepted generally. But kids will still tease each other for being Jewish, for being short, for being lots of things. The message really has to be, just be strong and remember that it gets better once you’re out of the hothouse.
— jeffji love this. a simple way to love in the midst of so many ridiculous, incomprehensible ways people choose to hate.
— EstherMike, if you’re a teacher and you believe the things you believe, I pity the gay kid who comes to you for help.
— NeffsBrilliant, thank you for sharing your stories and for your continued dedication to this critical topic!
— CatherineMike #14 — do you really not get that what you’re saying is backward?
Gay people are subject to a great deal of messages that we’re not as good, or not as deserving, or not natural, or against God, or a host of other negative self-conceptions. We’re denied access to a lot of the institutional and social supports that hold straight families (and individuals) together. Gay people thus have higher rates of overt self-destructive behavior (from suicide attempts to binge drinking and much more) and higher rates of stress, which obviously takes a toll on health as well.
The way to address the life expectancy gap between gay and straight folk is not to tell gay youth they’re abnormal — it’s to STOP saying that.
— a.I was so alone growing up and wish I had some responsible gay adults like Dan Savage to help me through difficult times when I was in high school, but it was a different time.
I wouldn’t want to repeat parochial or high school, the years were not happy and I was hankering to graduate and move on to college.
High school teachers were of no help whatsoever. The nuns & priests in parochial school were simply unapproachable. I later learned that there were more sexually abusive priests at our parish in Catonsville then any other in the State of Maryland. I’m so glad I chose not to confide in them, one can only imagine what might have happened if I did!
Good luck to all the young kids who are gay or lesbian, transgendered or bisexual, life is so much better nowadays than it was when I was in school in the 50’s and 60’s.
— ted