Advice on manners and morals.

The Surrogate Smother

Prudie counsels a woman who isn't invited to her own child's birth—and other advice seekers.

By Emily YoffePosted Tuesday, Feb. 22, 2011, at 3:21 PM ET

Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is on Washingtonpost.com weekly to chat with readers about their romantic, family, financial, and workplace problems. An edited transcript of this week's chat is below. (Read Prudie's Slate columns here.)

Emily Yoffe: Good afternoon. I look forward to your questions.

Q. Gestational Carrier Doesn't Want Us at the Birth: After eight years of heartbreaking infertility, my husband and I are expecting a baby girl through my sister-in-law, who wonderfully offered to be our gestational carrier. She is now seven months pregnant. While discussing the pregnancy and labor last week, she made some reference to us coming to the hospital after the birth to see the baby for the first time. I was completely floored because my husband and I assumed we would be there for the labor. When I clarified, she said she felt uncomfortable about us witnessing the birth, or even being present while she's having contractions. For all her own three children she only had her husband and medical staff present. I know I must respect her decision, but I feel tremendously hurt at the thought of not seeing my child being born. It seems wrong that we won't be there for one of the most significant events in her life. Am I unreasonable to feel so upset?

A: Let's say you were pregnant in the 1950s. During the birth, your husband would likely be in the waiting room smoking cigarettes, yet his absence would have no effect on his life-long relationship with his child. Let's say you had decided to adopt from China. Then you certainly wouldn't have been present for your child's birth, but that would not change how you felt about her once you finally held her in your arms. Let's say you were giving birth but serious complications came up and you were so heavily sedated that in essence you were "absent." Again, it would have no effect on your feelings about your child.

You understandably are focusing on the moment when, after years of disappointment and waiting, you will become a parent. But after that big event, you will be a mother for the rest of your life. Whether or not you were in the room when your child crowned will be of absolutely no consequence. Your sister-in-law is making an extraordinary sacrifice for you. She has been through labor three times and she knows doing it without an audience is how she wants it. Respect her wishes. Soon she will hand over your child to you. Accept with grace that her desire for privacy will have no effect on the lifetime of significant events you will experience with your child. Tell her that you understand her feelings, and reiterate that your gratitude for what she is doing for you is boundless.

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Q. Washington, D.C.: My 60-year-old mother-in-law is retired, divorced, and lives on a fixed income. But she loves to shop and spends thousands of dollars on luxury goods—for herself, for family, etc. My husband is very worried about her spending, particularly since she doesn't seem to be planning for her future. So, when she offers to buy us these lavish things before actually spending the money, he declines. In contrast, his other siblings accept. She then gets offended. In other instances, we've expressed gratitude, then returned her gifts so that the money could be credited back to her account. Again, anger. It's becoming a cycle that is uncomfortable at best. Are we being rude by not taking these gifts? How better could we handle this?

A: If your mother-in-law is a competent adult, there is not much you can do about her spending. But your husband is right to be concerned about the future because she may find herself in a big financial hole he and the siblings are expected to fill. If he has good relations with his siblings, they probably should all have a pow-wow and discuss their mother's finances. They should offer to work with her to get a budget in place, explaining that they want to make sure she has enough money for what they hope is a long, long life. But maybe the rest of them like the designer duds she buys more than they are concerned about her finances. In that case, since your mother-in-law gets angry if you don't accept her gifts, take them. Then return them and put the cash in an interest-bearing account you can draw on when she inevitably comes to you for help.

Q. Please Tell Me To Stop Imagining a Different Life: I am a happily married thirtysomething, with two kids. Last year, I made a new friend—through mutual friends from college—and I cannot stop fantasizing about what could have been with this person. I know that the first thing you will question is my self-characterization as being happily married—but I am. My husband and I have built a wonderful life together, and I don't want to damage that in any way. Just to be clear, the object of my fantasies has been completely appropriate in all interactions with me and has done nothing to suggest that he returns these feelings—so no "blame" falls on his shoulders for my predicament. This is all my internal monologue spinning out of control. So why am I persistently fantasizing about what might have happened with this other person, if we had met each other earlier in our lives? Why am I finding it so difficult to do the things that I know I need to do to put an end to this (i.e., defriending him on Facebook; no longer finding excuses to e-mail or chat with him)? Why am I so tempted to reach out to this person and tell him how I feel—even though I know that I could never act on these feelings? Please tell me to stop imagining a different life

A: Let me actually imagine a different life for you. You tell this guy how you feel and he is appalled, tells your mutual friend who blabs it around, and eventually it gets back to your husband. Or you tell this guy, he says, "I feel the same way," you have a steamy affair, your husband finds out, and now you're a thirtysomething divorcee with two kids whose lives you've just shattered. Get the picture? You want someone to tell you to stop imagining a different life. I'm happy to oblige: Stop!

Q. Family Relationships: Last year, my sister "Sarah" broke off a relationship with her then-boyfriend "George." Based on what Sarah has told us, George was verbally and physically abusive, and their relationship ended after a violent physical altercation. Now, it's several months later, and Sarah has said that she's going to begin seeing George again, despite every member of our family telling her that she deserves so much better. Both my husband and I feel that we would not be comfortable being around George. We fear for Sarah's safety and our own, and we do not wish to socialize with him or welcome him back to our home. I know that these feelings will put a huge wedge between me and Sarah. We live only about 30 minutes apart, and she feels that we should all get over our negative feelings and welcome George back. Are we doing the right thing? And if so, how do we convey to Sarah that we want to continue to spend time with her but that we want nothing to do with George?

A: You tell Sarah you love her and want to support her, and that means you cannot welcome back George. She confided in you that he was mentally and physically abusive, so that's all you need to know about George. You can't be relaxed around him, because you are concerned about her safety when she's not in your sight. So tell her you want to see her and socialize with her, but you'll have to do it without George.

Q. Family + Politics = Help! A member of my husband's family is running for mayor of our smallish city. This guy is an arrogant know-it-all who has a lot of education but no common sense. The other day, his mother remarked to me that they "are going to lose a lot of friends over this" when relaying a story about a friend's nonsupport of her son. Frankly, I think he would be a terrible mayor, but he does have a strong shot. How in the world do I support my choice without starting the family version of WW3?

A: The secret ballot is a wonderful invention. No one has to know what you think. You can tell his family, "I certainly hope the best candidate wins." Then cast your vote to help make this happen.

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Emily Yoffe is the author of What the Dog Did: Tales From a Formerly Reluctant Dog Owner. You can send your Dear Prudence questions for publication to . (Questions may be edited.)

Photograph of Prudie by Teresa Castracane.