The best Royal Wedding swag – and not a teacloth in sight

Four weeks tomorrow many of us will be celebrating the most exciting wedding of the 21st Century so far – sorry, Wayne and Colleen. To get us in the mood I will be bringing to you the weirdest, yummiest and funniest Royal Wedding tat until the happy day. Teacloths, mugs and pencils can get stuffed. Here are the Top Ten so far:

1. Royal Wedding fake nails

Not for the faint-hearted but definitely on trend, these nail acrylics part the serious royalists from the rest. We’ve already got quite a crew of Telegraph journalists who have pledged to get them on the week of the wedding, including Tom Chivers and Will Heaven would you believe. Next step, a Wills and Kate tattoo. (Hat/Tip @RoyalWeddingTat)

2. Royal Wedding Potatoes

Gardening Express’s regal spuds are more pink, purple and yellow than red, white and blue but they deserve a top spot  for imagination. Highland Burgundy Red, Salad Blue and British Queen can be used to make novelty mash, chips or roast potatoes. Unfortunately it’s too late now for me to plant the seeds in time for my royal wedding party.

3. Royal Wedding Pies

A Kate and Wills pie made with British beef, wine, bacon, pearl onions, mushrooms and a dash of brandy and a Royal Pear pie made with poached pears, rum and Fairtrade chocolate have been launched by Pieminister. You can get them in their shops in Bristol, Sainsbury’s for the savoury one, and Waitrose for the sweet one. As someone who has had many festival morning sweetened by Pieminister, I can attest that they will be scrumptious.

4. Royal Wedding phone cases

Tea cosies and plates are so 1981. And these iPhone cases are so naff they’re brilliant.

5. Royal Wedding Pez dispensers
These sweet holders are perfect for well-wishers down at Buckingham Palace on the 29th who need a sugary pick-me-up.

6. Crown Jewels condoms

Erm, I’ll let the website do the talking, but they do promise a “royal union of pleasure.” They’re also quick to point out that the Royal family have not approved the novelty item.

7. Royal Wedding love hearts

They’re simple but will be a nice addition to a street party spread. All the sweets say “Just Married.” And they’re white which everyone knows is the best flavour.

6. Royal Wedding cupcakes

The best wedding cupcakes I’ve see so far are made by Patrick Cox’s Soho bakery, Cox Cookies and Cake. The range will be available a couple of weeks before the wedding. This Crown Cake will tempt even the hardest republicans:

(Photo: From the forthcoming Cox Cookies and Cake book, published by Mitchell Beazley)

9. Royal Wedding engagement ring replica

Props to the people brazenly churning out copies of Kate Middleton’s ring because it’s not clear who in their right mind would ever wear one. Creepy but fabulous.

10. Royal Wedding trifle

Trust Heston to come up with something that sounds even more delicious than a classic British trifle. The pudding he’s created for Waitrose replaces custard with cream infused with saffron, the jelly base with strawberry compote, and the sponge with Amaretto biscuits soaked in Marc. My favourite bit is the topping: sprinkles of rose petals, caramel almonds and dried strawberries.