Grief is an emotional response to a the loss of someone or something. Grief can be experienced after the death of a person or pet, but is also not uncommon after a major life transition such as a divorce. It is as individual as each person experiencing it. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. The main rule is that you have to go THROUGH the stages of grief; you can’t circumvent them and go around. You have to experience the full gamete of emotions in order to fully heal.
The five stages of grief have evolved through the years but they have come to rest firmly as follows:
1. Denial. You’re numb. You have no idea what day it is. Heck, you may not even remember your address or phone number. This is the first stage where everything is meaningless. You can’t believe that this horrible thing has happened. You’re in shock and trying to figure out how to get through the day putting one foot in front of another. Some days are easier than others. Denial is a built-in coping mechanism to allow you to feel the pain through the numbness in small increments. If all the pain hit at once, it would be debilitating, so you get it piece by piece.
2. Anger. As the denial fades, true feelings start to emerge. Anger can be a huge healer. You have the right to be angry at your doctor, parents, friends, the person who is responsible for your situation, even yourself. The anger shouldn’t escalate to a dangerous level, but a healthy amount is therapeutic. The anger you feel is an indication of the intensity of your love.
3. Bargaining. This stage is where you wish you could switch places with the person who is gone or where you can make a “deal” to do so-and-so in exchange for waking up and this being a bad dream. You try to bargain with God or the Universe or whatever you choose in order to put off feeling the pain for a little longer.
4. Depression. When you finally realize that you can’t deal your way out of this situation, reality sets in. This stage feels like it will never end, but to not feel depressed when grieving would be completely unusual. You can’t snap out of it. Talking through your feelings with a counselor or even good friends who are there for you can help ease the depressive feelings. This stage, along with the others, will ebb and flow over weeks, months, possibly years.
5. Acceptance. This is the most confusing stage of grieving. Though you come to accept the fact that you have lost a loved one, lost a marriage or whatever situation you are in, you are never truly “over it” and people on the outside will assume you are and have moved on. This is the stage where you accept your situation and start learning how to live your “new normal.” It’s the same as learning to walk again but without a limb. It will NEVER be like it was, but you can learn to live your life again.
There is no set time limit to check off all these stages and they may not occur in the order listed. Chances are you will roll through them and never realize you have checked them off your list. Most people find that it takes a good year to feel like they have fully regained their grip on life…once they have experienced a year of anniversaries, birthdays and memories.
Grief in Children
Naturally children will display grief differently than adults. Children who are unable to express their complex feelings of loss may act out through increased demands for food, love, and attention or exhibiting babyish behavior. Because children have a limited ability to consider the world outside their own sphere of influence, they may blame themselves for a loss. It is important to address this concern with children and reassure them that the loss was not their fault.
Complicated Grief
Complicated grief can sometimes occur among those who have suffered a loss. If, after a certain period of time, you still cannot move forward with your life and find your grief symptoms have intensified rather than faded, you may be suffering from complicated grief. According to the Mayo Clinic, symptoms of complicated grief can show up in the following ways:
- Excessive focus on the loss
- Continued and intense longing/pining
- Difficulty accepting the loss
- Feeling numb or detached
- Distracting or consuming sorrow
- Feelings of bitterness
- Difficulty enjoying life
- Depression
- Trouble moving on
- Difficult performing normal routines
- Withdrawal from family and friends
- Thoughts that life is pointless
- Irritability or agitation
- Distrust
If you are experiencing these symptoms, you should seek medical attention.
Grief is a very natural process but we, as highly intelligent humans, often think we can ignore our bodies and hearts and just “get on with it.” Pay attention to your body, your heart, your soul and your family. They will never lead you astray.
If your grief is so intense that you have thoughts of suicide, please pick up the phone and dial 911. In addition, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is open 7 days a week, 24 hours per day: 1-800-273-8255.
Resources:
GriefShare is an international website which helps individuals locate local grief recovery support groups in the US, Canada, UK, New Zealand, Australia, and South Africa.
HelpGuide.org offers information on coping with grief and loss.
The Good Grief Center is a comprehensive resource for grief support and referrals.
GriefNet.org provides email-based support groups for adults and children experiencing grief.
Children’s Grief Education Association has a wonderful site built for families helping children through their grief.
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry provides an information sheet on grief in children along with more specific information on sleep problems, pediatric depression, and the loss of a pet.
The Compassionate Friends – Grief support after the loss of a child.
The National Institute on Aging has an information page on Mourning the Death of a Spouse
Grieving a Divorce – DivorceTransitions.com
