Stupid people are really the smart ones and smart people are stupid. Now let me give you a few grammar tips to show you how I am a smart person who is actually smart. Please don’t call me stupid for misusing “predication,” but if you do, that’s just further proof that I am really a smart smart person and you are a stupid smart person.
Shorter Msgr. Ross Xavier Pius Douthat, S.J., O.P., O.F.M., S.S.J., Th.D+, The New York Fucking Times Pope-Ed Page Dr. Kervorkian’s Victims
If you let terminally ill patients in excruciating pain kill themselves, then you have to let healthy three-year-olds kill themselves as well. And who wants that?
The Bible says that government may only tax to buy guns to kill people not to rebuild tornado-damaged homes or provide health care for sick people. Or, as Jesus said succinctly of the moochers and parasites: “Tough noogies, folks.”
Another week and we have another column from our favorite wingnut and giraffe impersonator Jeannie Deangelis, fixating yet again on the Negress in the White House who spends her time eating fancypants stuff like guacamole and tamales while passing laws forcing everyone else in America to eat boiled tofu, celery leaves and alfalfa sprouts. Three times a day, seven days a week. Without salt.
This time Jeannie zeros in on the new nutrition chart. You know, the one that the federal government is forcing you to paste on your refrigerator and which will lock the refrigerator door shut forever if you depart in the teensiest bit from those nanny-state rules dictating what everybody must eat.
Everybody but, of course, Michelle.
You may not know this — in fact, few do — but the new chart was entirely the creation of Michelle Obama, who is rumored to have taken off time from noshing on free-range chicken in beluga and lobster sauce just long enough to fire up Adobe Illustrator and create the new chart. Although Jeannie has no direct evidence of this nefarious deed by the First Witch, she has damning circumstantial evidence:
Michelle Obama seems fixated on pie: Pizza pie eaten both in the White House and outside the White House, apple pie, Thanksgiving pie, the Crust Master’s’ “dangerously good” pie, other people’s pie, and now the pie-obsessed first lady may be responsible for dismantling the food pyramid and changing it into….? You guessed it, a pie chart.
Except, it looks like a plate, not a pie, to me, but that’s just because I’m liberal and gay.
Of course, Michelle didn’t draw just any pie. No siree! It’s a socialist pie.
What a coincidence. Remember when Michelle said: “The truth is, in order to get things like universal health care and a revamped education system, then someone is going to have to give up a piece of their pie so that someone else can have more?”
Could it be that Mrs. “share your pie” Obama is behind purposely associating food and health with a logo that coincidentally symbolizes what Michelle suggested all Americans volunteer to do for the greater good?
So not only does the new chart force you to stir ground flaxseed into your Jello but also it forces you to give your flat screen TV to hobos.
Now Jeannie ties it all up for the Renoomuhrka readers who might have so far missed her point:
[S]hould Michelle Obama, a “tasting tour” fan who flies pizza chefs from St. Louis to the White House and whom Obama says “can afford to have as many tamales as she wants,” be the one dictating food choices and portion control with a symbol used to promote the “piece of the pie”-sharing cause of Obama-style socialism?
In case you’re wondering what Jeannie’s food chart would look like, here it is:
UPDATE: Jeannie posted this column on her blog, so go here to comment, if you’d like.
The Democrats who are persecuting the Republicans by saying they want to get rid of Medicare are just like the Nazis persecuting the Jews during the Holocaust, and the Republicans are now just like the Jews who fought back against the Nazis.
Shorter Junior Detectivo and Master Kerner Ace, Ace of Spades (No One Gives Me) Headquarters Did Anyone Order A WeinerGram?
You wanna know how I can prove that Anthony Weiner’s Twitter account wasn’t hacked as he claims? Because I know what his dick looks like and that is absolutely, positively a picture of his dick. Trust me.
One case of some non-white Muslim terrorists voting for a Democrat in Kansas City, Missouri, is proof of widespread voter fraud throughout the nation.1 Also liberals lie about all the people without IDs who couldn’t vote if we pass voter ID laws, because absolutely every single person in Kansas has a photo ID,2 which proves that this must be the case everywhere else in the United States.
1 Koch conveniently neglects to point out that the Missouri Court of Appeals found that every one of the Somalis in question produced valid identification confirming their registration to vote.
2 Koch relies on statistics that Kansas has issued more state photo IDs than there are people in Kansas according to the latest U.S. census. It apparently doesn’t to occur to Mr. Dumber-Than-A-Cornfield that since non-documented aliens are counted in the census, this also means every illegal alien in Kansas has a state-issued photo ID and therefore every illegal alien in Kansas will still be able to vote!
Feminists should stop bellyaching about how little housework their husbands do and realize that the dishwasher, which makes housework easier, was invented by men and bought for them by their husbands.
Muslims are using the revenue from selling pee-sicles to Jewish kids to fund international jihad*
*The only evidence that Frau Schlüsselscheiße has for this vast conspiracy and hitherto unknown terror-funding mechanism is a bottle of frozen urine found in one ice cream truck that was pulled over with a drunk driver behind the wheel. He did not have “urine popsicles to sell.” It’s not quite clear either how the drunk guy was going to turn a bottle of frozen urine into peesicles but I’m sure that there is a jihadist manual somewhere that explains the process. Still, it seems that peeing directly into the popsicle mold is a much more efficient process. And, not to be overly particular, but the peesicle conspiracy, due to the likely absence of repeat customers, strikes me as an idea unlikely to provide funding for much more than a suicide firecracker attack.
It’s amazing what you can learn on the Internet. You can learn that oreo cookie crumbs are a powerful aphrodisiac and a potent laxative and, apparently, you can also learn that I, Tintin, am really Carl Salonen. This amazing revelation is being bandied about by none other than the dim-witted Donald Douglas, who learned this from our favorite transvestite Amy Arnold Alkon, who revealed my, ahem, identity during an interview with Instahayseed’s Wife, Dr. Helen, which was posted on media powerhouse Pajamas Media TV. With so many high-powered wingnuts and delusionists involved in this stunning revelation, how could it be wrong? How could I, of all people, have lived for these last 34 years without realizing that I was, all along, someone else other than the person I thought I was? The saddest ravage inflicted by the disease of liberalism on its victims is, apparently, an inability to read their own drivers licenses and to think, therefore, that they are someone else entirely.
Now as you can see, the nutty perfesser, who thinks he’s stumbled upon some kind of holy grail, is intent upon not squandering it in the same way he has squandered the rest of his unremarkable life as a run-down unpublished professor and third-rate blogger, so he’s threatening more: law suits, photographs, party hats, jello shots and his own favorite herbal viagra. This should be fun. Stay tuned.
Also joining in the fun is the dull knife who blogs, oxymoronically, as ser8ted, or serr8tted, or s3rrat3d, or some such l337 nym. He apparently thinks that Carl Salonen is really Jonah Goldberg or something.
One last note: you have to “register” to view the Mrs. Dr Instahick video featuring Amy Arnold Alkon revealing my top-secret but really and actually true forever identity. Perhaps an enterprising Sadly, Naut! could register and share the login with everyone. I, for one, would love to see the entire video.
UPDATED: L337 blogger s3r88tard, or however the fuck she spells her fiendishly clever nym, brings the unintentional funny to an update where she accuses me of cowardice for, get this, anonymous blogging. Well, call me a coward, if you will, surr877ed, but at least I’m smart enough to realize that I am blogging anonymously.
Because Paul Krugman has a beach house and two oddly named cats, there is no need for me to address the substance of his arguments. Well, okay, if I must: His arguments are stale. There. I win.
ABOVE: Don Surber in front of his newly-remodeled home
When Sadly, No! fave Don “Jim Bob” Surber takes down a post after being given a little too much attention from the Sadly, Nauts, I would probably otherwise leave him alone to nurse his wounded pride on pork skins and moonpies in the solitude of the leaky shack he calls home. But, sadly, I just can’t. Not when he posts something called “Correcting Kristof” and he is, in fact, as wrong as a Catholic priest in a boys locker room.
What has our Plato of Poca all fired up is a Kristof column about Republicans being on the warpath “against family planning programs at home and abroad.” To illustrate the consequences of not having available family planning abroad, Kristof tells the story of a Somali woman who died in childbirth.
In comes Super Surber for the kill:
And on and on he goes.
Not once in his column does he mention Planned Parenthood.
There’s a reason for that.
Planned Parenthood does not have an office in Somalia.
Er, Jim Bob, the reason that Kristof doesn’t mention Planned Parenthood is because HE ISN’T TALKING ABOUT PLANNED PARENTHOOD, a possibility you might have considered before dribbling ketchup and spittle on the front of your K-Mart overalls. Because, you see, Jim Bob, Planned Parenthood is not the only U.S. program funding international family planning activities. There’s the mysteriously secretive organization called USAID, which also funds family planning activities overseas. And the Repubs cut the agency’s reproductive health and family planning from $648 million to $575 million. That’s what Kristof is talking about.
The reason, Don, you have no chance at a Pulitzer ever is not because you’re a particularly unphotogenic right-wing extremist. It’s because you’re dumber than a wrecked Chevy on cinder blocks.
Obama should have stuck to his campaign promise to capture Osama and give him a trial so that I could accuse Obama of being a Muslim and soft on terrorism. Now that he’s killed Osama he’s revealed himself as a dangerous hypocrite unfit to be President.
