THE BOOK OF THE GOONS

 

1.    Introduction

 

The Goon Show' is/was a radio program that played on BBC radio from November 1952 to January 1960.  Mostly written by Spike Milligan, it was  mostly performed by him, with Peter Sellers and Harry Secombe.

 

2.    The Shows

 

There were about 250 Goon Shows created of which 150 odd still exist.  A complete list of the shows was taken from the definitive book on the Goons: 'The Goon Show Companion' by Roger Wilmut.  Quite a few shows have been released on commercial records, tapes and

CDs.   These are also listed.

 

3. The Characters

           

HARRY SECOMBE plays:

Neddie Seagoon. 

 

PETER SELLERS plays: (among others)

Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, Henry Crun,  Major Dennis Bloodnok, Bluebottle, Babu Banerjee, Gravely Headstone. 

 

SPIKE MlLLlGAN plays:

Eccles            , Miss Minnie Bannister,  Count Jim Moriarty, Singhiz Thingz,  Mr. Lalkaka,  Jim Spriggs Basil, Adolphus Spriggs, Little Jim Odium.

 

RAY ELLINGTON plays:

Big Chief Ellinga, The Red Bladder, Gladys

 

 

The Main Characters

 

 

Eccles (The original Goon)

Born 1863. Only child of Ethel Cox.  Virgin birth. Educated at Convent till age 7 - end of education. Has had 18,312 interviews for jobs. Has never been employed. Spends his days walking around saying "Hello dere" to anyone who will listen. Wears a 33-year-old Burton suit. Is occasionally used by the Metropolitan Police for target practice. Was once painted by Augustus John from head to foot with whitewash. Likes children. Children like him. His economy drives consist of wearing only one sock. Was the personal friend of a brewer's dray. Was Home Secretary for 3 days - until the printing error was discovered. Lives near 29 Scrot Lane, Balham Clubs: none.  Recreations: walking around saying "Hello dere" to anyone who  will listen.

 

 

Bluebottle 

(A cardboard cut-out liquorice and string hero)

'Ye he he!  Heuheuheuheuheu he!'  A proffered bag of dolly mixtures plus a free subscription to _Wonder Mag_ persuaded the ragged Boy Scout with a penchant for Sabrina and an eye for the birds to append this, his signature, to the a foregoing:                                                              

 

 

Neddie Seagoon

(True blue British idiot and hero always)

'Whatwhatwhatwhatwhat? Can't stop now - must dash to the last page.'  (A flash through this book revealed that Mr. Seagoon had indeed dashed the last page.)

 

 

Mr. Henry Crun

 

(A thin ancient and inventor)

'Mnk-grnk-mnk-mnk-grmp.'  (Persistent questioning failed to refresh Mr. Crun's memory as to the identity of Mr. Henry Crun, beyond the remark, 'Henry Crun? Mnk- isn't that the name of - mnk- Henry Crun?')

 

 

Miss Minnie Banister

 

(Spinster of the Parish)

Although she refused to be quoted directly, some Sanders-style flattery induced Miss Bannister to reveal that she had once danced the Can-Can at the Windmill Theatre, and that in the naughty nineties she had been the darling of Roper's Light Horse'. She also hinted at a former passionate involvement with a bounder named Bloodnok. When pressed, however, she screamed and referred all further questions to her spokesman and companion of honour, Mr. Henry Crun.

 

 

 

Comte Toulouse-Moriaty of the House of Roland

 

(French scrag and lackey to Grytpype-Thynne)

Born 1920 Paris. Educated - Sorbonne and St. Cyr Military Academy.  Captained French Moron Racing Car Team at Brooklands 1927 - became the Latin darling of the Motoring Set, lionized by London, seen at all smart places - The Cafe Royal - the Ritz - danced the Tango all night long with Lady Astor. Operation for piles. Wall Street crash – family fortune decimated. Started work as a gigolo at New Cron Palais de Dance, was befriended by Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, who offered to 'Manage' his career. Under Grytpype'scareful 'management' he is now

bald, daft, deaf, and worthless. Currently working under licence as a trainee corpse in Leith Crematorium and hoping to play the lead in _Jesus Christ Superstar_.

Clubs: Chateau Neuf.

Recreation: trying to escape.

 

 

Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, The Hon.

 (A plausible public school villain and cad)

Son of Lord "Sticky" Thynne and Miss Vera Colin, a waitress at Paddington Station. Educated at Eton Mixed Grammar School, Penge; was manager of the rugby team, 15th man at cricket, subject of a police investigation on school homosexuality. Eventually left school at 20 - did 2 years at Oxford; subject of a police investigation on homosexuality. Joined Household Cavalry; served throughout the war at Knightsbridge barracks. Subject of a military police investigation on homosexuality. Implicated in the sale of Regimental Silver Plate – 3 years at the Scrubbs. Was subject of a prisoners' investigation on homosexuality. On release became a life member of Harrow Labour Exchange. Joined the Foreign Office - implicated in homosexuality with Masai goat herd. Roving Ambassador to the Outer Hebrides. Awarded OBE in Birthday  Honours. Currently private secretary to a British Lord.

Club: Junior Carlton.

Recreations: Homosexuality.

 

 

Major Dennis Bloodnok, Ind. Arm. Rtd.

(Military idiot, coward, and bar)

Born 1867 and 1880, Sandhurst NAAFI. Served in South  African war - taken prisoner on first day in strange circumstances. Released by Boers after three days as being "unreliable". Spent the rest of the war in the Pay Corps. Large sums of money were in his keeping. They were never traced. Transferred to Aldershot Southern Command as Quartermaster General – was responsible for 30,000 rupees worth of stores.  They were never traced. Military Police traced _him_ to Rangoon, where he was found wearing false testicles in a Freak Show.  Cashiered. Married the Hon. Mrs. Scrack-Thing. Divorced. Rejoined Army under an assumed height as Florence Bloodnok: served 1 year in ATS. His disguise became known when he reported a sailor for molesting him in an air-raid shelter. Using his position as a mason, he re-joined the Army as a Major; he saw action and suffered wounds in the bedroom of Mrs. Madge Feel. World War II - he was found hiding in a hut near Quetta, where he swore a solemn oath that he was an eccentric Hindu fakir who had gone white with fear. Cashiered for the 7th time - a world military record. Wearing a stocking mask, he rejoined the British Army as a Chinaman. Using Masonic connections he became a Major again.

Clubs: Anyone.

Recreations: Piccadilly Circus.

Hobbies: The Indian Army.

Agent: Miss M. Bannister.

 

 

Willium 'Mate' Cobblers

(Drains cleared while you wait)

Born Shoreditch 1900, son of Fred "Chopper" Cobblers, OBE, road sweeper, and Vera Colin. Left school at 14. Joined Thomas Crapper & Son as tea boy. Joined Chislehurst Laundry as tea boy. Joined Woolwich Arsenal as tea boy. Conscripted for World War I as Private in Sappers and Miners as a tea boy. Rose to rank of acting unpaid Lance Corporal - injured in action by tea urn falling on head. Mentioned in dispatches as "always moaning". Discharged in 1918, since when he has wandered the streets of London telling people, with no authority

whatsoever, "You can't park there" or "Put that cigarette out" or "I don't know, I'm a stranger round here" or "Why don't you get yer 'air cut?" or "Two years in the Army would do 'em good" or "Bloody foreigners" or "I spent 4 years fighting for this country".  Now uniformed doorman at BBC Aeolian Hall, wears full war medals at all times, and King's badge for the disabled.  Informs all visitors to the BBC, "It's nothing to do with me mate”.

Clubs: Bristol Legion.

Recreations: saying "You can't park there", etc.

 

 

4. The Participants

 

4.1 Spike Milligan:

 

Born Terence Alan Milligan on the 16th April 1918, in India.  He wrote most of the Goon Shows, with help from others like Larry Stevens and Eric Skyes.  He has written several autobiographies based on his war experiences, plus a hell of a lot of other material, including lots of children's stuff (like ``Bad Jelly the Witch''), and several TV series in the late 60s.  Also much poetry, and he revived the work of a *real* Scottish poet William McGonagall.  The awful poetry inspired an even more awful film about McGonagall, called ``The Great McGonagall'' (1975). This film has to be seen to be believed!  Milligan not only churns out books and letters to the editor, he makes occasional appearances in films. The most prominent of these, maybe, is in The Three Musketeers, where he was the husband of a buxom Raquel Welch.

Puckoon was Milligan's first novel. His wartime autobiogs have been British bestsellers, and at least one has been filmed. William McGonnigal, of course, was an all too real and really, really wretchedly bad, Scots poet (author of Poetic Gems, which is worse than you can imagine).

Spike's Autobiographical war memoirs:

Adolf Hitler: My Part In His Downfall      1971  ISBN 0 14 00.3520 6

"Rommel?" "Gunner Who?”  1974  ISBN 0 14 00.4107 9

Monty: His Part In My Victory                  1976  ISBN 0 14 00.4503 1

Mussolini: His Part In My Downfall         1978  ISBN 0 14 00.5196 1

Where Have All The Bullets Gone?  1985  ISBN 0-14-008892-X

Goodbye Soldier                                      1986  ISBN 0-14-010338-4

Peace Work                                              1991  ISBN 0-14-014970-8

 

 

4.2 Peter Sellers

 

Born Richard Henry Sellers on 8th September 1925, he died on 24th July 1980, aged 54.  Starred in ``The Pink Panther'' series, ``Doctor Strangelove'', ``I'm all right, Jack'',  “The Magic Christian” (with Ringo Starr), “The Bobo” (with his then wife: Britt Ecklund), ``Being There'' .

 

 

 

4.3 Harry Secombe

 

Sir Harry Secombe, rotund Welch singer with musical tastes akin to the Queen's.

Harry Secombe had a singing shaver act which got him out of active service in WW2.  During one Goon show, he sang something as a lark and a BBC upper echelon type heard it and complained that Harry was flat.  Harry was most annoyed at this, and promptly went and got his voice trained. (Down boy!)  Secombe, for example, toured the US in the '60s as star of a

musical called "Pickwick," playing the title role and singing "If I Ruled the World," its only memorable song.

 

 

4.4 Michael Bentine

Was a member of the Goon Show in the early days -- for the first two  seasons, and then went his separate ways.  His material is not exactly Goonish, but quite Goonlike.  Michael Bentine's Potty Time! Slightly bizarre puppet show deserves a mention as do his quite serious (and sometimes depressing) books.  Like... "The Summer of Open Doors" and "The Shy Person's Guide to Life".

 

4.5 Wallace "Bill" Greenslade

BBC announcer and part time player -- getting odd lines and such like.  He once had an entire program devoted to him (``The Greenslade Story''), and once got to be the villain in ``The Phantom Headshaver of Brighton''.

 

4.6 Max Geldray

Dutch, Harmonica player.  Occasional player. A few, very badly spoken, lines.

 

4.7 Ray Ellington

Singer, drummer, and part time player.  More part time than Max.

 

4.8. John Snagge

Head BBC announcer.  Did the University Boat Race for many years.

 

4.8.1 Valentine Dyall

Actor -- he played the Black Guardian in ``Doctor Who'', was the voice of Deep Thought the Computer in the TV Series ``The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy'', the voice of the Guardian of the Total Perspective Vortex in the radio series of the same.

 

4.8.3 Andrew Timothy

Andrew Timothy was the original announcer, and did the first series (and maybe the second).  He also announced ``The Last Goon Show of them All'' in 1972, as Wallace Greenslade was excused due to death.

 

4.8.5 The Guest List

This is the (definitive) guest list taken from ``The Goon Show Companion''.  Guests, in no particular order

            Dick Emery

                        Spon 

            Graham Stark

                        Who Is Pink Oboe

            Valentine Dyall

                        The Canal

                        The House of Teeth

                        Drums Along the Mersey

                        The Spectre of Tintagel

                        The Giant Bombardon

                        Who Is Pink Oboe

                        The Silver Dubloons

            Charlotte Mitchel

                        Ye Bandit of Sherwood Forest

                        Tales of Montmartre

                        Robin Hood

            John Snagge

                        Nineteen-Eighty-Five

                        The Greenslade Story

                        The Great Tuscan Salami Scandal

                        Scradje

                        Tiddleywinks

                        Ned's Atomic Dustbin

                        Who Is Pink Oboe

                        The Chinese Legs

                        The Last Smoking Seagoon

            George Chisholm

                        The MacReekie Rising of '74

                        Wings Over Dagenham

                        The String Robberies

                        The Curse of Frankenstein

                        The Spon Plague

                        The Tay Bridge

            Dennis Price

                        Robin Hood

            Bernard Miles

                        The Rent Collectors

            Jack Train

                        Shifting Sands

                        Who Is Pink Oboe

            Cecile Chevreau

                        African Incident

            A. E. Matthews

                        The Evils of Bushey Spon

            Kenneth Connor

                        Who Is Pink Oboe

                        The 50 pound Cure

            Andrew Timothy

                        The Scarlet Capsule

 

6. Books

 

            The Goon Show Companion

            The Story of the Goons

            The Lost Goon Shows

            The Goon Show Scripts

            More Goon Show Scripts, with a foreword by H.R.H. The Prince of Wales.

           

7. The Catchphrases

 

There were quite a few of these, most of these unique to the Goons.  In no particular order, and very incomplete:

“Ying tong iddle I po”: comes from the name of Arthur Edginton. Spike was conversing with Harry Secombe concerning this great gent, and Secombe persisted in referring to him as Eddington . "No", sez Spike, "it's EDGington. YING-tong; YING-ton". "Iddle-i-po" replied Secombe, and 'istory was made.  Said either when someone makes a startling revelation, or for no reason at all. Most often said by Harry Secombe [Seagoon], and often followed by a loud `GOOD!' from the rest of the cast. Also became a minor hit song for the trio, in the form of `The Ying Tong Song'.

“Hello 'der”: Said by Eccles. Said when Eccles comes on the scene.  Said

really idiotically. Said in most programs. Enuf said.

“What what what what what what what what what what what what?”  Said by Seagoon when he does not understand something. Often followed by put downs, like ``twelve watts --- that's not very bright''.  Also often followed by Seagoon breaking down into chicken-type noises, for no readily apparent reason.

“You silly twisted boy, you”: Said by Hercules Grytpype-Thynne of Neddie Seagoon.

“You can't get the wood, you know”: Said by Henry Crun when asked just about anything.  Also the subtitle of one of the commercial releases (see above).  This, of course, refers to the shortages of materials during and after the Second World War (``there's a shortage of shortages''...)

“Have a gorilla”: Most often said to Ned Seagoon by Hercules Grytpype-Thynne.  The equivalent of ``have a cigarette''.  Sometimes mutated to ``have a picture of Queen Victoria'', or even ``have a trombone/piano/bugle/gorilla''. Sometimes Ned accepts (to his peril in ``The Last of the Smoking Seagoons''), with ``no thanks -- I'm religious'', ``--- I just put one out'', or ``--- they hurt my throat''.

“Charlie”: as in ``Oh look, Charlie's here'', or ``this is the Charlie''.  Often said of Ned Seagoon just before someone gets him to do something he will regret.

We'll all be murdered in our beds!  Said by Minnie Bannister, at the drop of a hat [if you listen very carefully, you can just hear her on the recording ;)]. When she was in a Bengal tiger it was ``we'll all be murdered in our tigers''.

“Fine, fine, fine”: Said by Eccles. See `Hello 'der'.

“Very well, my good man”: Also said by Eccles, and sometimes by Bluebottle.

“You wrotten swine, you deaded me”: Said by Bluebottle just after he had been <bang>. Followed by ``I shan't play this wrotten game no more.  Exits left with lugging lughole and shattered shins''.  Bluebottle had many more lines, such as:

            “Enter Bluebottle, waits for applause, as usual not a sausage.”

            “Strikes heroic pose, pants fall down spoiling effect.”

“Needle nardle nu”: another time filler.  See ``ying tong iddle I po!'' above.

“'Round the back for the 'old brandy”: Often said just before the musical numbers, during which the cast would disappear for a few minutes and appear some what merrier.

“He has fallen in the water” (pronounced `He-he-he has fallen in the wa-ta').  Said by Little Jim (Spike with a child's voice and trousers to match) whenever anyone falls in the dreaded drowning-type water.

 

7.1 Names

 

The NAAFI:   NAAFI is an acronym for Navy, Army, Air Force Institute.  Nowadays it

   does things like supply groceries, books, and newspapers from home for   soldiers stationed abroad.  The NAAFI grocery at Slummit House in   Berlin was the first place I'd seen Scottish pies in 20 years,  although most of them weren't that fresh.  In the days when the lads  were under the colours it was the source of industrial strength tea, cigarettes, and served revolting hot food as an alternative to the revolting hot food served in the mess halls.  The British soldier of  WWII survived on tea and ciggies, so the NAAFI was absolutely vital to  the war effort.

   

   '...tell us where it is':  In "I Was Monty's Treble" 1958) Bluebottle's opening lines are as follows:

” Message for you.  I will read it.  From Mrs. Gladys Roonge, 45 Sebastopol Terrace, Scunthorpe.

  Sir,

 Reference the room you had here during the pantomime season.  Well, we know what it is.  We know who done it.  But for heavens' sake tell us where it is.”

For those of you who don't know the story, this is the "punch line" to a

joke/urban legend about (in the version I heard) a guest at the large country estate of some prominent and/or wealthy peer of the realm or similar.  Arriving late, he goes almost immediately to bed.  Waking later in the night he realizes that (1) he urgently needs to take a shit, (2) he has no idea where the toilets are in the huge residence, and (3) there is no chamber pot under the bed.  He hunts desperately for the WC, to no avail.  The doors are locked.  Finally, in desperation, he craps in a huge ornamental pot plant holder, replacing the plant over the motion.  The following morning, he makes an excuse and leaves.  He thinks he has got

away with his faux pas, until a telegram arrives...”

 

``Appia Pipe''

It's the old military type slang again = up your pipe = up your back passage!  Another example of putting one over on the BBC.

 

"your turn in the barrel"

From memory, put together long sea voyages, lack of female company, sailors, barrels with a 2 inch diameter bung hole about waist high,....Let your imagination run wild.

 

 

 

 

CHRONOLOGICAL EPOSIDE GUIDE

 

NOTES

 

Notes to each series (except the first two, which do not require detailed notes) are on the page opposite each series listing.  Announced titles which differ from the official title have been detailed, together with any other relevant information.

NOTE I indicates throughout that the show is not announced by any coherent title (except, of course, as 'The Goon Show'); for the purposes of these notes, only announcements at or near the beginnings of the show are being considered, not those after the musical items.  The 3rd series shows are not included in this, as the titles given do not usually apply to the first

sketch, which often does not have a title in any case.  Those 4th series shows which are episodic have been detailed in the notes; there is usually no very coherent title given to the first episode in these shows.

 

1st Series

Billed as: 'CRAZY PEOPLE, featuring Radio's own Crazy Gang -- "The Goons" with Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, Spike Milligan, Michael Bentine, The Ray Ellington Quartet, The Stargazers, Max Geldray, and (except where stated the BBC Dance Orchestra, conducted by Stanley Black.  Announcer Andrew Timothy except nos. 8-10, announcer Denys Drower.  Scripts written by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens, edited by Jimmy Grafton.  Produced by Dennis Main Wilson, except 11-14, produced by Leslie Bridgront.  Nos. 1-9 broadcast on Mondays, nos. 10-17 on Thursdays.  All pre-recorded the previous Sunday.

The shows consist of four or five short sketches separated by musical items.

 

1          28-5-51        SLO 90268

2            4-6-51        SLO 90269

3          11-6-51        SLO 90452

4          18-6-51        SLO 90366

5          25-6-51        SOX 59949

6            2-7-51        SLO 91295 (with the BBC Revue Orch. cond. by Roben Busby)

7            9-7-51        SLO 91565 (with the BBC Revue Orch. cond. by Roben Busby)

8          16-7-51        SLO 92262

9          23-7-51        SLO 92468

10          2-8-51        SLO 92867

11          9-8-51        SOX 61088*

12        16-8-51        SLO 93368

13        23-8-51        SOX 61088*

14        30-8-51        SLO 93400

15          6-9-51        SBU 71149

16        13-9-51        SLO 94892 (with the BBC Revue Orch. cond. by Roben Busby)

17        20-9-51            SL095143 (without Geldray, with Marie Benson            (vocalist) and the           

                                   Skyrockets Orch. cond. by Woolf Phillips)

SP       26-12-51             SLO 99928            CINDERELLA (pantomime) with Lizbeth Webb as Cinderella,

Grahan Stark  as Prince Charming: The Goons: The Starg; Ray Ellington Quartet: Max Geldray and the Augmented Dance Orchestra conducted by Stanley Black.  Produced by Dennis Main Wilson.  Recorded 16-12-51

 

 

2nd Series

 

Billed as 'THE GOON SHOW, featuring those crazy people . . .'  Cast and musicians as for the previous series for the first six shows, after which the Stargazers left.  Scripts by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens, edited by Jimmy Grafton (who also wrote special lyrics for some shows).  Produced by Dennis Main Wilson.  Broadcast Tuesdays, pre-recorded the previous Sunday (except nos. 24 & 25).

 

1          22-1-52        SLO 1768

2          29-1-52        SLO 2147

3            5-2-52        SLO 2519

4          12-2-52        No transmission owing to the death of King George

4          19-2-52        SLO 3334  (BBC Dance Orch. cond. by Stanley Andrews)

5          26-2-52        SLO 3627

6            4-3-52        SLO 4021

7          11-3-52        SLO 4179

8          18-3-52        SLO 5112 The Goons' version of Rider Haggard's 'She' -- entitled 'Her'*

9          25-3-52        SLO 5277

10          1-4-52        SLO 5380

11          8-4-52        SLO 5684 (without Milligan)

12        15-4-52        SLO 6306

13        22-4-52        SLO 6737

14        29-4-52        SLO 6959

15          6-5-52        SBU 83555

16        13-5-52        SLO 7761

17        20-5-52        SLO 8202

18        27-5-52        SLO 8179

19          3-6-52        SLO 9302 (with the BBC Revue Orch. cond. by            Robert Busby)

20        10-6-52        SLO 9307 (with the BBC Dance Orch. cond. by Wally   Stott)

21        17-6-52        SLO 9638 (without Bentine)

22        24-6-52        SLO 9955

23          1-7-52        SLO 10474

24          8-7-52        SLO 11378 (recorded 29-6-52)

25        15-7-52        SLO 10808 (recorded 6-7-52)

 

* this is the first in-series show to have a single plot right through the programme.

 

 

3rd Series

 

From now on billed as 'THE GOON SHOW'.  Basic cast - Sellers, Secombe, Milligan, with Geldray, Ellington, and orchestra conducted by Wally Stott.  Announcer Andrew Timothy.

Bentine has now left.  Produced by Peter Eton, except 18 & 19 produced by Charles Chilton.

Scripts by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens, edited by Jimmy Grafton.  All except 7 broadcast Tuesdays: pre-recorded the previous Sunday (except 20-22).  The shows have 3 parts; the title given is usually that of the middle episode.

 

1          11-11-52        SLO 17297 Fred of the Islands (2)

2          18-11-52        SOX 82948 The Egg of the Great Auk (3)

3          25-11-52        SLO 18332             I Was a Male Fan Dancer (2)

4          2-12-52        SL0 18613 The Saga of HMS Aldgate (2)

5          9-12-52        SLO 18848 The Expedition for Toothpaste (4)      

6          16-12-52        SLO 19414 The Archers (2

7          26-12-52        SLO 19526 Robin Hoods (5)

8          30-12-52        SLO 19783 Where Does Santa Claus Go in the Summer?

9            6-1-53            SLO 20338            The Navy, Army, and Air Force

10        13-1-53        SLO 20695 The British Way of Life (2)

11        20-1-53        SLO 20948 A Survey of Britain (2)

12        27-1-53        SLO 21647 Flint of the Flying Squad (2)                                                      

13          3-2-53        SOX 86757            Seaside Resorts in Winter (2)                                                      

14        10- 2-53        SLO 22493 The Tragedy of Oxley Towers (3)                                                      

15        17-2-53        SLO 22860 The Story of Civilization (2)                                                           

16        24-2-53        SLO 22973 The Search for the Bearded Vulture (3)

17          3-3-53        SLO 23540 The Mystery of the Monkey's Paw (8)

18        10-3-53        SLO 24224 The Mystery of the Cow on the Hill (9)

19        17-3-53        SLO 24432 Where Do Socks Come From?  (3)

20        31-3-53        SLO 24764 The Man Who Never Was (10)

21          7-4-53        SLO 25520 The Building of the Suez Canal (3)

22        14-4-53        SLO 25873 The De Goonlies (3)

23        21-4-53        SLO 26517 The Conquest of Space (2)

24        28-4-53        SLO 26797 The Ascent of Mount Everest (3)

25          5-5-53        SLO 27952 The Story of the Plymouth Hoe Armada (3)

SP         3-6-53        SLO 29390            Coronation edition (11)

 

 

 

Notes to 3rd series

 

The titles given (with one exception) are taken from the fronts of the scripts in BBC Script Library, where they have been penciled in.  In most cases the title is applicable to the middle section of the show (details are given below).  As these shows are episodic any titling is bound to be somewhat arbitrary, but it should be emphasized that.  from the point of view of the listener, this series would not be regarded as having titles, still being in the traditional variety format.

 

2. Title given is that of middle part of show.

 

3. Title given is that of parts 2 and 3 of show.

 

4. At this point Milligan went into hospital suffering from a nervous breakdown.  This show and the next had already been written; after a few weeks Milligan resumed writing the shows in collaboration with Larry Stephens.  The title given here is of the middle sketch, which later

re-appeared in the 20th of the 4th series .

 

5. This show, which has a straight-through plot, is credited on the front of the script to 'Thomas Alcock & William Bull (from the original Alcock and Bull story)'.  It was in fact mostly written by Jimmy Grafton (working for 36 hours continuously), Milligan being in hospital and Larry Stephens unwell.  The opening few pages were re-used in the 14th of the 5th series.

 

6. In the absence of an official title, the title of the final sketch has been adopted (the answer being that he stays in Greenland on account of Eskimo Nell).  The middle sketch is a re-make, with a few additions, of 'The Archers' (middle part of no. 6 of this series).  Ellis Powell, who makes a brief appearance, was the current Mrs. Dale of 'Mrs. Dale's Diary'.

 

7. 'The Story of Civilization', which is the middle episode, is a re-make of part of the 6th of the Ist series.

 

8. The title given here is of the first sketch; the remainder of the show is 'The Search for Brigadier Winchmold'.

 

9. The title given here is that of the first sketch; the remainder of the show is 'The Siege of Khartoum', used again in no. 18 of the 4th series.

 

10. The title given is parts 2 and 3; this story appears again, in expanded form, as the 27th of the 6th series, and then again as the 21st of the 8th series.

 

11. This show, which sticks to one plot the whole way through, purports to present a recorded commentary on the Coronation procession.

 

 

4th Series

Scripts 1-9 and 11-20 by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens; no. 10 by Larry Stephens; remainder by Spike Milligan.  Announcer Andrew Timothy (nos. 1-5); then Wallace Greenslade.

Produced by Peter Eton, except no. 15 produced by Jacques Brown.  Nos. 1-20 (except 13) broadcast on Fridays, nos. 21-30 on Mondays; all pre-recorded the previous Sunday.

 

1          2-10-53        TLO 35079             The Dreaded Piano Clubber (2)

2          9-10-53        TLO 35432 The Man Who Tried to Destroy London's  Monuments (3)

3          16-10-53        TLO 35740 The Ghastly Experiments of Dr. Hans Eidelburger (4)

4          23-10-55        TLO 36235 The Building of Britain's First Atomic Cannon (5)

5          30-10-53        TLO 37145 The Gibraltar Story (6)

6          6-11-53        TLO 37511            Through the Sound Barrier in an Airing Cupboard (1)

7          13-11-53        TLO 37898 The First Albert Memorial to the Moon

8          20-11-53        TLO 38482 The Missing Bureaucrat (7)

9          27-11-53        TLO 37891            Operation Bagpipes

10        4-12-53        TLO 39091 The Flying Saucer Mystery (8)

11        11-12-53        TLO 39790 The Spanish Armada (9)

12        18-12-53        TLO 40412 The British Way

 

SP       25-12-53        TLO 40660 Short insert in 'Christmas  Crackers'

13        26-12-53        TLO 40660 The Giant Bombardon

14          1-1-54        TLO 40965 Ten Thousand Fathoms Down in a Wardrobe

15          8-1-54        TLO 41242 The Missing Prime Minister

16        15-1-54        TLO 41552 Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Crun (10)

17        22-1-54        TLO 42416 The Mummified Priest

18        29-1-54        TLO 42842 The History of Communications

19          5-2-54        TLO 48011 The Kippered Herring Gang

20        12-2-54        TLO 49072 The Toothpaste Expedition (12)

21        15-2-54        TLO 49191 The Case of the Vanishing Room

22        22-2-54        TLO 49628 The Great Ink Drought of 1902 (13)

23          1-3-54        TLO 50206 The Greatest Mountain in the World

24          8-3-54        TLO 50546 The Collapse of the British Railway Sandwich System

25        15-3-54        TLO 50871 The Silent Bugler (14)

26        22-3-54        TLO 51429            Western Story (15)

27        29-3-54        TLO 51769 The Saga of the Internal Mountain

28          5-4-54        TLO 52346 The Invisible Acrobats (16)

29        12-4-54        TLO 52583 The Great Bank of England Robbery

30        19-4-54        TLO 52599 The Siege of Fort Knight

 

SP       11-6-54        TLO 55169            ARCHIE IN GOONLAND

                                                           

Notes to the 4th Series

 

With this series, the shows begin for the first time to take on the familiar dramatic format, although it is not until the second half of the series that the majority of the shows have a straight-through half-hour plot (apart from the musical items, of course).  As yet the shows were not given titles at the time of writing, with the result that the situation has become rather confused.  Spike Milligan has titled his own copies the scripts with abbreviated titles that are

really more of a shorthand indication of the content.  Someone has written in pencil on the fronts of the BBC Script Library copies titles which tend to be based on the opening announcements; however, as many the shows have a short opening sketch with the main part of the programme starting only after the first musical items, these titles tend to be misleading.  The titles given in the list opposite are derived from both sources, with a tendency to use Milligan's titles where there is a choice between two reasonably acceptable alternatives.  Only one show in this series has been preserved in BBC Sound Archives (no. 23); in this case the BBC title has been retained in preference to Milligan's.

 

1. Not coherently announced.

 

2. Three-episode show; the middle section is 'The Dreaded Piano Clubber'.

 

3. This story occupies the second and third episodes of the show.

 

4. The first part of the show is 'The Adventures of Fearless Harry Secombe', a 'serial' which appears at the start of several shows; the title given for the show is the subtitle of this first section.  The remainder of the show is about the ascent of Mount Everest.

 

5. Announced as title.  This is the first show in this series to have a single plot lasting through all three parts.

 

6. The title given applies to parts 2 and 3.

 

7. The first part of the show is 'The Further Adventures of Fearless Harry Secombe -- A Race to the Death'.  'The Missing Bureaucrat' is parts 2 and 3.

 

8. The first part of the show is again 'The Adventures of Fearless Harry Secombe' (the title given on the BBC Script Library copy); however, the main part of the show is about flying saucers, and as Spike Milligan's copy of the script is missing and therefore no title has been given for it.  I have taken the liberty of inventing a title.

 

9. In the first part of the show 'Harry Proves he is Not a Dog'; parts 2 and 3 are the story of the Armada.

 

10. Announced as 'Crime Does Not Pay Income Tax'.

 

11. Part one of the script is 'The History of Communications', originally part of the 7th of the Ist series and later re-worked into 'The GPO Show'.  Parts 2 and 3 are 'The Siege of Khartoum', originally part of the 18th of the 3rd series.

 

12. The first part of the script was originally used in the 2nd of the 2nd series; 'The Toothpaste Expedition' was originally used in the 5th of the 3rd series.

 

13. Announced as 'Hansard Unexpurgated'.

 

14. The nearest to an announcement is 'take the case of Agent X2 . . .'.

 

15. Announced as 'Brain!’  (inspired by the film, "Shane").

 

16. Announced as 'Bulletto'.

Fourteen of these scripts were re-worked for the 'Vintage Goons' series recorded in 1957/8 for Transcription Services.

                                   

5th Series

 

From now on the announcer is Wallace Greenslade.  Scripts for shows 1-6 by Spike Milligan, remainder by Milligan and Eric Sykes.  Produced by Peter Eton.  Broadcast Tuesdays, pre-recorded the previous Sunday, except nos. 14 and 20.

 

1          28-9-54        TLO 62960 The Whistling Spy Enigma

2          5-10-54        TLO 63962 The Lost Gold Mine (of Charlotte) (2)

3          12-10-54        TLO 64018 The Dreaded Batter-Pudding Hurler (of Bexhill-on Sea) (3)

4          19-10-54        TLO 64443 The Phantom Head Shaver (of Brighton)

5          26-10-54        TLO 64692 The Affair of the Lone Banana

6          2-11-54        TLO 65467 The Canal (with Valentine Dyall)

7          9-11-54        TLO 65972 Lurgi Strikes Britain (1) (TS: Lurgi Strikes Again)

8          16-11-54        TLO 67106 The Mystery of the Marie Celeste            (Solved)

9          23-11-54        TLO 67320 The Last Tram (from Clapham)

10        30-11-54        TLO 67468 The Booted Gorilla (found?)

11        7-12-54        TLO 68322 The Spanish Suitcase (1)

12        14-12-54        TLO 68149            Dishonoured, or The Fall of Neddie Seagoon

13        21-12-54        TLO 69220 Forog

14        28-12-54        TLO 69221 Ye Bandit of Sherwood Forest

                                                            (recorded 19-12-54: with Charlotte Mitchell)

15          4-1-55        TLO 70044            Nineteen-Eighty-Five (5)

                                                            (orch.  cond.  by  Bruce Campbell)

16        11-1-55        TLO 70045 The Case of the Missing Heir (1)

17        18-1-55        TLO 70610 China Story

18        25-1-55        TLO 72116 Under Two Floorboards -- A Story of the Legion (1)

19          1-2-55        TLO 71797 The Missing Scroll (4)

20          8-2-55        TLO 71798            Nineteen-Eighty-Five (5)

21        15-2-55        TLO 72450 The Sinking of Westminster Pier (6)

22        22-2-55        TLO 72538 The Fireball of Milton Street (7)

23          1-3-55        TLO 73044 The Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street (8)

24          8-3-55        TLO 73495 Yehti

25        15-3-55        TLO 74145 The White Box of Great Bardfield (1)

26        22-3-55        TLO 74489 The End (9)

                                                            (TS: re-issue only: Confessions of a

                                                            Secret Senna-pod Drinker)

 

Notes to 5th series

 

With the beginning of this series, the first to be taken by the BBC Transcription Services, the shows become the familiar and well-remembered full-length stories, featuring by now most of the best-known characters.  This is the only series honoured by a Radio Times with a synopsis and cast list for most shows (although these get progressively more divorced from

reality as the series wears on).

 

1. Not coherently announced.

 

2. Announced as 'Death in the Desert'.

 

3. Announced as 'The Terror of Bexhill-on-Sea'.

 

4. Announced as 'The Lost Music of Purdom'.

 

5. Inspired by Nigel Kneale's television adaptation of Orwell's 1984.  The show was a success that the script was repeated by popular demand: the second appearance is not a recorded repeat but a new performance of the script, which was re-typed, incorporating all but one of the timing cuts made for the version.  In the second show Snagge (pre-recorded) reads the telescreen announcement near the beginning: in the original this is read by Sellers.

 

6. Billed in Radio Times (and Programme Index) as 'The Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street'; the script was changed at short notice to a story inspired by the appearance of a photograph of the floating pier at Westminster under several feet of water with an 'Out of Order' notice being pinned to it.  Greenslade tries to announce the show as 'The Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street' (insisting that the Radio Times is never wrong): finally Sellers announces it as 'The Port of London Authority's valuable hand-carved, oil-painted, valuable floating pier'.

 

7. Milton Street' is the name of a village in Sussex.

 

8. The title situation for this show can best be described as confusing.  The front of script, Radio Times, Programme Index, and the 'Programme as Broadcast' files give the title as 'The Terrible Blasting of Moreton's Bank'.  However, the show is in fact 'The Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street', the script postponed from 2-55 (see note 6), is announced as such, and titled as such by TS.  Strictly speaking, the title opposite ought to match the official files; but

since the 'Six Ingots' title makes more sense, and in fact would have been the official title of script had not the last-minute change of plan happened, I have decided to adopt it.

 

9. Announced as 'The Confessions of a Secret Senna-pod Drinker'.

 

 

 

6th Series

 

Scripts by Spike Milligan (SM) except where indicated; ES=Eric Sykes, LS=Larry Stephens.

Produced by Peter Eton (nos. 1-21) and Pat Dixon (nos. 22-27).

Broadcast Tuesdays, pre-recorded the previous Sunday (except nos. 10 & 15).

 

1          20-9-55        TLO 86722 The Man Who Won the War (2)

                                                            (SM  &  ES)  (TS: Seagoon MCC)

2          27-9-55        TLO 87028 The Secret Escritoire (SM & ES)

3          4-10-55        TLO 87493 The Lost Emperor (1)

4          11-10-55        TLO 88253            Napoleon's Piano(3)

5          18-10-55        TLO 88477 The Case of the Missing CD Plates (4)

6          25-10-55        TLO 88977            Rommel's Treasure (5)

7          1-11-55        TLO 89727 Foiled by President Fred (6)

8          8-11-55        TLO 90136            Shangri-La Again (7)

9          15-11-55        TBU 52103 The International Christmas Pudding (8)

            22-11-55                    (No. 10 postponed to 3-4-56,9 replaced by

                                                repeat of 'China Story', first broadcast

                                                18-1-55)

11        29-11-55        TLO 91637 The Sale of Manhattan (10)

                                                            (TS: The Lost Colony)

12        6-12-55        TLO 92346 The Terrible Revenge of Fred

                                                            Fu-Manchu(11)

SP       8-12-55        TLO 92849 The Missing Christmas Parcel -- Post

                                                            Early for Christmas (ES) (15 minutes

                                                            -- broadcast in Children's Hour;

                                                            recorded 27-11-55: without musicians).

                                                            Devised and produced by Peter Eton

                                                            and John Lane

13        13-12-55        TLO 93483 The Lost Year

14        20-12-55        TLO 93839 The Greenslade Story (with John Snagge)

15        27-12-55        TLO 93838 The Hastings FlyerDRobbed (12)

                                                            (recorded 18-12-55)

16          3-1-56        TLO 94673 The Mighty Wurlitzer

17        10-1-56        TLO 94832 The Raid of the International

                                                            Christmas Pudding (1)

18        17-1-56        TLO 95608 Tales of Montmartre (SM & ES)

                                                            (with Charlotte Mitchell)

19        24-1-56        TLO 95990 The Jet-Propelled Guided NAAFI (1)

20        31-1-56        TLO 96271 The House of Teeth (1)

                                                            (with Valentine Dyall)

21          7-2-56        TLO 97228 Tales of Old Dartmoor

                                                            (orch. cond. by Bruce Campbell)

22        14-2-56        TLO 97297 The Choking Horror

                                                            (orch. cond. by Bruce Campbell)

23        21-2-56        TLO 98295 The Great Tuscan Salami Scandal (13)

                                                            (without musicians, with John Snagge

                                                            pre -rec.)

24        28-2-56        TLO 98661 The Treasure in the Lake (14)

                                                            (orch. cond. Bruce Campbell)

SP         1-3-56        TLO 98662 The Goons Hit Wales

                                                            (5 1/2 minute insert in  St. David's

                                                            Day programme, recorded 26-2-56)

25          6-3-56        TLO 98778 The Fear of Wages (15) (SM & LS)

26        13-3-56        TLO 98950            Scradje (SM & LS)

                                                            (with John Snagge pre-rec.)

27        20-3-56        TLO 99481 The Man Who Never Was (l6)

                                                            (SM & LS)

l0           3-4-56        TLO 90647 The Pevensey Bay Disaster (9)

                                                            (recorded 20-11-55)

SP       29-8-56        TLO 11466 China  Story  (SM  &  ES) (17)

                                                            (recorded 24-8-56  at  the

                                                            National Radio Show.  Produced

                                                            by Dennis Main Wilson)

                       

 

Notes to 6th series

 

1. Not coherently announced.

 

2. Announced as 'Seagoon MCC' (because he was a batman . . . ).

 

3. The script and the Programme Index entry are wrongly titled

'The Sale of Manhattan'.

 

4. Announced as 'A Strange Case of Diplomatic Immunity'.

 

5. Announced as 'The Search for Rommel's Treasure'.

 

6. Announced as 'In Honour Bound'.

 

7. Announced as 'Lost Horizon'.

 

8. Announced as 'The Great International Christmas Pudding'.

 

9. On the day the show was recorded there was a serious train crash at Didcot in which 10 people were killed and 116 injured.  In view of the fact that the show contains a train crash, the broadcast was cancelled and replaced with a repeat of 'China Story' from the previous series.

(See 'The Hastings Flyer -- Robbed' (12)),

 

10. Announced as 'The Lost Colony'.

 

11. Announced as 'Fred Fu-Manchu and his Bamboo Saxophone'.

 

12. This script is identical to that for 'The Pevensey Bay Disaster' (see note 9), incorporating the timing cuts made for that occasion; only the announcements are changed, to 'The Hastings Flyer'.  The earlier version of the show is the one issued by TS, as they recorded directly by line from the studio, so that to them 'The Hastings Flyer' was a repeat.  'The Pevensey Bay Disaster' was eventually broadcast two weeks after the end of the series, so that to the British listeners 'The Hastings Flyer' is the original version.

 

13. There was a musicians' strike on at the time.  In common with other Variety shows, the cast made do without music.  This show and the next also include Milligan's famous ballad 'I'm Walking Backwards for Christmas'.  The programme is not coherently announced.

 

14. Announced as 'The Treasure of Loch Lomond'.

 

15. Inspired by the film 'The Wages of Fear'.

 

16. This is an expanded version of the script which formed parts 2 & 3 of the 20th of the 3rd series.  It appears again in the 8th series.

 

17. This is a new production of no. 17 of the 5th series -- the script is almost identical.

 

 

 

7th Series

 

Scripts by Milligan and Larry Stephens, except nos. 2 and 23, by Milligan only.  Produced by Pat Dixon, except nos. 1 and 2 produced by Peter Eton.  Broadcast Thursdays, except nos. 10 and 13 broadcast Wednesdays.  Pre-recorded the previous Sunday (except nos. 6, 14, 15

and 16).

 

1          4-10-56        TLO 12681 The Nasty Affair at the Burami Oasis(1)

2          11-10-56        TLO 11799 Drums Along the Mersey

                                                            (with Valentine Dyall)

3          18-10-56        TLO 14585 The Nadger Plague (2)

4          25-10-56        TLO 14586 The MacReekie Rising of '74

                                                            (without Milligan, with George Chisholm)

5          1-11-56        TLO 15209 The Spectre of Tintagel

                                                            (with Valentine Dyall)

             8-11-56                                (no. 6 postponed to 14-2-573;

                                                            replaced by repeat of 'The

                                                            Greenslade Story', first broadcast

                                                            20-12-55)

7          15-11-56        TLO 15801 The Great Bank Robbery

8          22-11-56        TLO 16600            Personal Narrative (4)

9          29-11-56        TLO 16989 The Mystery of the Fake Neddie

                                                            Seagoons (5) (TS: The Case of the

                                                            Fake Neddie Seagoons)

 

SP       for TS only     TLO 17360 Robin Hood (6) (with Valentine Dyall

                                                            and Dennis Price) (recorded  2-12-56;

                                                            not  broadcast in Britain)

 

10        5-12-56        TLO 17361            What's My Line?

11        13-12-56        TLO 17963 The Telephone

12        20-12-56        TLO 18731 The Flea

 

SP       24-12-56        TLO 17962            Operation Christmas Duff (7)

            GOS only                             (special overseas edition

                                                            recorded 9-12-56)

 

13        26-12-56        TLO 19238 Six Charlies in Search of an Author

14          3-1-57        TLO 19237            Emperor of the Universe (rec. 23-12-56)

15        10-1-57        TLO 20041 Wings Over Dagenham (rec. 30-12-56)

                                                            (with George Chisholm)

16        17-1-57        TLO 20042 The Rent Collectors (rec. 30-12-56)

                                                            (with  Bernard Miles)

17        24-1-57        TLO 21509            Shifting Sands (1) (with Jack Train)

18         31-1-57        TLO 21793 The Moon Show

19          7-2-57        TLO 23090 The Mysterious Punch-up-the-Conker (1)

16        14-2-57        TLO 14930 The Sleeping Prince (3)

                                                            (recorded 4-11-56)

20        21-2-57        TLO 22507 Round the World in Eighty Days

21        28-2-57        TLO 23565            Insurance, the White Man's Burden

22          7-3-57        TLO 24413 The Africa Ship Canal (9)

23        14-3-57        TLO 24461 Ill Met by Goonlight

24        21-3-57        TLO 24999 The Missing Boa Constrictor (1)

25        28-3-57        TLO 26030 The Histories of Pliny the Elder

 

 

Notes to 7th series

 

1. Not coherently announced.

 

2. Announced as 'The Great Nadger Plague'.

 

3. This show, which parodies a Latin-American type revolution, was postpone owing to the international situation at the time (among other things, the Hungarian uprising was taking place).

 

4. Announced as 'The Personal Narrative of Captain Neddie Seagoon, R.N.'.

 

5. Announced as 'The Great Art Mystery, or The Case of the Fake Neddie Seagoon'.

 

6. Announced as 'Robin Hood and his Mirry Mon'.  This show, which was recorded specially for TS and not broadcast in this country (although it has been issued on Parlophone PMC 7132) is partially based on the script originally broadcast 28-12-54 as 'Ye Bandit of Sherwood Forest'

(14th of 5th series).

 

7. The BBC General Overseas Service was at this time broadcasting entirely on short waves, so that this show could only have been heard in this country -- and then not very satisfactorily -- by listeners equipped with short-wave receivers.  The show was aimed largely at the British Armed Forces overseas.

 

8. As Colonel Chinstrap (from 'ITMA').  It is interesting that the character, although from a different show a decade earlier, fits into the Goon Show framework with no sense of strain.

 

9 Announced as 'The Great Trans-Africa Canal'.

 

SP       22-8-57        TLO 35307 THE REASON WHY

                                                            Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe,

                                                            Spike Milligan, and Valentine Dyall.

                                                            Announcer Wallace Greenslade.

                                                            Music pre-recorded: no audience.

                                                            Produced by Jacques Brown.

                                                            Record 11-8-57

 

 

 

 

 

8th Series

 

Scripts by Spike Milligan (SM), Larry Stephens (LS), John Antrobus (JA), and Maurice Wiltshire (MW), as indicated.  Produced by Charles Chilton (nos. 1-5 & 17-26), Roy Speer (nos. 6-14),

and Tom Ronald (nos. 15 & 16).

Broadcast Mondays, pre-recorded the previous Sunday (except no. 18).

 

1          30-9-57        TLO 38857 Spon (SM) (without Secombe,

                                                            with Dick Emery)

2          7-10-57        TLO 39090     * The Junk Affair (1) (SM & LS)

3          14-10-57        TLO 39928 The Burning Embassy (1) (SM & LS)

4          21-10-57        TLO 40052     * The Great Regent's Park Swim (SM & LS)

5          28-10-57        TLO 40562 The Treasure in the Tower (1) (SM & LS)

6          4-11-57        TLO 41101     * The Space Age (SM & LS)

7          11-11-57        TLO 41712 The Red Fort (2) (SM & LS)

8          18-11-57        TLO 41935     * The Missing Battleship (1) (SM & LS)

                                                            (without Geldray)

9          25-11-57        TLO 42750 The Policy (SM & LS)

10        2-12-57        TLO 42899     * King Solomon's Mines (SM & LS)

11        9-12-57        TLO 43427 The Stolen Postman (LS)

12        16-12-57        TLO 44167     * The Great British Revolution (SM & LS)

13        23-12-57        TLO 44618 The Plasticine Man (SM & LS)

                                                            (without Ellington)

14        30-12-57        TLO 45270     * African Incident (1) (SM & LS)

                                                            (with Cecile Chevreau)

15          6-1-58        TLO 45929 The Thing on the Mountain (LS & MW)

16        13-1-58        TLO 46344     * The String Robberies (3) (SM)

                                                            (with George Chisholm)

17        20-1-58        TLO 47306 The Moriarty Murder Mystery (LS & MW)

18        27-1-58        TLO 47557 The Curse of Frankenstein (SM)

                                                            (rec. 19-1-58)  (without Ellington,

                                                            with George Chisholm)

19          3-2-58        TLO 47740 The White Neddie Trade (LS & MW)

20        10-2-58        TLO 48542 Ten Snowballs that Shook the World (SM)

21        17-2-58        TLO 49421     * The Man Who Never Was (SM & LS)

22        24-2-58        TLO 49663     * World War One (6) (SM) (TS: '_____!')

23          3-3-58        TLO 50040     * The Spon Plague (7) (SM & JA)

                                                            (with George Chisholm)

24        10-3-58        TLO 51225     * Tiddleywinks (SM) (with John Snagge)

25        17-3-58        TLO 50769     * The Evils of Bushey Spon (8)  (SM)

                                                            (with A. E. Matthews)

26        24-3-58        TLO 51440     * The Great Statue Debate (1) (SM & JA)

 

* a special TS series of Vintage Goons' (based on scripts from the 4th

series) was recorded on the same dates as the shows marked (see page

130 [next one!]).

 

 

 

Notes to 8th series

 

1. Not coherently announced.

 

2. Announced as 'A Tale of India'.

 

3. Announced as 'The Great String Robberies'.

 

4. Announced as 'The Curse of Frankenstein -- BLAST!' and then continues as a story entitled 'My Heart's in the Highlands'.

 

5. This script is a re-working of no. 27 of the 6th series, itself an expanded version of part of no. 20 of the 3rd series.  It is the 6th series version which has been issued by Transcription Services.

 

6. The script is titled '_____!', as are the TS issues: the announced title is written as '_______!' and pronounced as a faint murmur.  Milligan's interpretation of illegible writing on a faded manuscript.

 

7. Announced as 'The Great Spon Plague'.

 

8. Inspired by a real-life row A. E. Matthews was having with his local council about a concrete lamp-post they wanted to put outside his house.  (There is also a reference to this in the previous show).  Mr. Matthews appears only in the last five minutes of the show, which are ad-libbed by all concerned owing to Mr.  Matthews's utter refusal to stick to the plot.

 

 

 

'Vintage Goons'

 

A series recorded specially for TS.  Scripts by Spike Milligan.  Produced by Charles Chilton (nos. 1, 2, & 9-14), Roy Speer (nos. 3-7), and Tom Ronald (no. 8)  Recorded Sundays together with 8th series shows.

 

            recorded        TS tape no.

 

1          6-10-57            Tl/AG/2966     *The Mummified Priest

2          20-10-57            T7/AG/3654     *The Greatest Mountain in the World

3          3-11-57            Tl/AG/3054   The Missing Ten Downing Street (2)

4          17-11-57            T5/AG/4309     *The Giant Bombardon (with Valentine

                                                            Dyall)

5          1-12-57            T5/AG/4341  The Kippered Herring Gang

6          15-12-57            T5/AG/4382     *The Vanishing Room

7          29-12-57            T5/AG/4417      The Ink Shortage (3)

8          12-1-58            Tl/AG/3875   The Mustard and Cress Shortage (4)

9          16-2-58            Tl/AG/3965   The Internal Mountain

10        23-2-58            T5/AG/4597  The Silent Buglers (5)

11          2-3-58            T2/AG/4043     *The Great Bank of England Robbery (6)

12          9-3-58            Tl/AG/4025   The Dreaded Piano Clubber

13        16-3-58            T5/AG/4661  The Siege of Fort Night

14        23-3-58            T2/AG/4060     *The Albert Memorial (7)

 

* Six of these shows were broadcast on Mondays immediately prior to the

9th series:

            broadcast     BH tape no.

 

1          22-9-58        TLO 65468 The Mummified Priest

2          29-9-58        TLO 65469 The Greatest Mountain in the World

4          6-10-58        TLO 65470 The Giant Bombardon

6          13-10-58        TLO 65471 The Vanishing Room

11        20-10-58        TLO 65472 The Great Bank of England Robbery

14        27-10-58        TLO 65473 The Albert Memorial

 

 

 

Notes to 'Vintage Coons'

 

All scripts in this series are based on scripts from the 4th series, often with a certain amount of re-writing.  When six of these shows were broadcast in the Home Service immediately prior to the 9th series, Radio Times contrived, in a badly-worded write-up, to give the impression that

they were recorded repeats of 4th series shows.  To add to the confusion, the repeat series broadcast in 1964 and 1970 were billed as 'Vintage Goons', although none of the shows concerned came from the original 'Vintage Goons' series, some of which have still never been broadcast in this country.

 

2. Based on 4/15 and announced as 'The Missing Prime Minister of 1953'.

 

3. Based on 4/22 and announced as 'Hansard Unexpurgated'.

 

4. Based on 4/24 and announced as 'The Collapse of the British Railway Sandwich System'.

 

5. Based on 4/25; the nearest to an announcement is 'take the Case of Agent X2'

 

6. Announced first as 'Open Casebook' and later by the official title.

 

7. Announced as 'The First Albert Memorial to the Moon'.

 

 

 

9th Series

 

Scripts by Spike Milligan (except no. 7).  Produced by John Brow ell.

Broadcast Mondays, except no. 12 broadcast Tuesday; pre-recorded previous Sunday.

 

1          3-11-58        TLO 68887 The Sahara Desert Statue (1)

2          10-11-58        TLO 68950 I Was Monty's Treble

3          17-11-58        TLO 69769 The 1,000,000 Pound Penny (2)

4          24-11-58        TLO 70536 The Pam's Paper Insurance Policy (1)

5          1-12-58        TLO 71336 The Mountain Eaters

6          8-12-58        TLO 71467 The Childe Harolde Rewarde (1)

7          15-12-58        TLO 72138 The Seagoon Memoirs (1)

                                                            (script by Larry Stephens and

                                                            Maurice Wiltshire)

8          22-12-58        TLO 72851 Queen Anne's Rain (1)

9          29-12-58        TLO 73413 The Battle of Spion Kop (1)

10          5-1-59        TLO 74315 Ned's Atomic Dustbin (1)

                                                            (with John Snagge -- pre-rec.)

11        12-1-59        TLO 75177 Who Is Pink Oboe (3) (without Sellers;

                                                            with Kenneth Connor, Valentine Dyall,

                                                            Graham Stark, Jack Train and

                                                            John Snagge, (who was pre-rec.))

12        20-1-59        TLO 76074 The Call of the West

13        26-1-59        TLO 76177            Dishonoured -- Again (5)

14          2-2-59        TLO 76513 The Scarlet Capsule (6)

                                                            (with Andrew Timothy -- pre-rec.)

15          9-2-59        TLO 77465 The Tay Bridge (1) (with George Chisholm)

16        16-2-59        TLO 77725 The Gold Plate Robbery (7)

17        23-2-59        TLO 78107 The 50 pound Cure (1)

                                                            (without Secombe, with Kenneth Connor)

 

Notes to 9th series

 

1. Not coherently announced.

 

2. Announced as 'The Story of a Crime-Type Murder'.  After the first musical break it becomes 'Ned the Miser' -- it is this part which is the story of the 1,000,000 Pound Penny.  TS's publicity for their re-issue of this as 'Pick of the Goons' No. 81 wrongly describes it as 'The 1,000 Pound Penny'.  Inflation?

 

3. Announced as 'The Spy, or. . .'. Sellers developed throat trouble shortly before the recording and the other four actors were brought in by John Browell at very short notice. They take the various parts written for Sellers, with minimal re-writing: Dyall replaces Grytpype-Thynne,

Connor replaces Willium and a few others, Stark replaces Henry Crun, (the Min and Henry episode becomes an Irish couple who are not as successful as the other replacements) and Train, as Colonel Chinstrap, replaces Major Bloodnok.

 

4. Announced as 'Captain Stingo, or Goon Law, or Anythinggggggg (Hern)'.

 

5. Announced as 'I Knew Terence Nuke' ('From the book, I Knew Terence Nuke, by Eileen Beardsmore-Lewisham, tiddley-doo spot, we present the play, "I Knew Terence Nuke", from the 'oook by Eileen Beardsmore-Lewisham').  This show is a new production of the script first broadcast as 'Dishonoured, or The Fall of Neddie Seagoon', 12th of 5th series; there are only slight variations in the text. It is this later version which has been issued on Parlophone PMC 1108, despite their title of 'Dishonoured'.

 

6. Announced as 'Quatermass O.B.E.'. This show is a parody of the highly successful BBC-TV serial 'Quatermass and the Pit'. Andrew Timothy, who is pre-recorded, reads announcements at the beginning and end of the show that were originally intended to be read by John Snagge.

 

7. Announced (eventually) as 'The Kleens of Blenchinehall, the story of an ordinary English comedy half-hour'.

 

 

10th Series

 

Scripts by Spike Milligan. Produced by John Browell.

Broadcast Thursdays, pre-recorded the previous Sunday.

 

1          24-12-59        TLO 3710   A Christmas Carol (2)

2          31-12-59        TLO 4230   The Tale of Men's Shirts (3)

3            7-1-60        TLO 5015   The Chinese Legs (1)

                                                            (with John Snagge -- pre-rec.)

4          14-1-60        TLO 5454            Robin's Post (4)

5          21-1-60        TLO 6251   The Silver Dubloons (1)

                                                            (with Valentine Dyall)

6          28-1-60        TLO 6786   The Last Smoking Seagoon (5)

                                                            (with John Snagge -- pre-rec.)

 

 

Notes to 10th series

 

1. Not coherently announced.

 

2. Announced as 'A Merrv Christmas and Custard'.

 

3. Announced as 'Tales of Men's Shirts (a story of down under)'.

 

4. Announced as 'The Story of Lord Seagoon, Playboy of the Western

Approaches'.

 

5. Announced as 'The Last of the Smoking Seagoons'.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

ALPHABETICAL INDEX

------------------

 

Official titles are indexed to series and number, or date if out-of-series. Transcription Services (TS) and announced titles which differ from the official title are referred to that title.

 

In the case of announced titles. only the announcement at the beginning of the show is considered, not that after the musical items (unless the show is episodic).

 

Third series shows are indexed by their official title only.

 

Some announced titles merely add 'Great' to the official title (e.g., 'The Great Spon Plague') D this has been ignored for the purposes of this index; if a title cannot be found, try removing 'Great' from it (or, in some cases, adding it: 'The Tuscan Salami Scandal' is correctly 'The Great Tuscan Salami Scandal').

 

            * indicates announced title differing from official one.

            ** indicates TS title differing from official one.

            + indicates announcement for part of a show (other than 3rd series).

            V = 'Vintage Goons' (after 8th series in main list).

           

                                                                                                Transcription

                                                                                                Services issues

                                                                        Series/number            (originals in

Title                                                                 or date             brackets)

 

'________!'l' * ** see World War One

Adventures of Fearless Harry Secombe, The + regular spot in

            first five minutes of 4/3, 8, 10 and some 3rd series

Affair of the Lone Banana, The                                     5/5                   (4) 2

Africa Ship Canal, The                                         7/22                (45) 43

African Incident                                              8/14                (59)

Albert Memorial, The                                         V/14                (V/14) 8

Archers, The                                                  3/6

Archie in Goonland                                           11-6-54

Ascent of Mount Everest, The                          3/24

 

Bandit of Sherwood Forest, Ye                              5/14                (87)

Battle of Spion Kop, The                             9/9

Booted Gorilla, The                                        5/10                (91)

Brain* see Western Story

British Way, The                                         4/12

British Way of Life, The                                        3/10

Building of Britain's First Atomic Cannon, The            4/4

Building of the Suez Canal, The                             3/21

Bulletto* see The Invisible Acrobat

Burning Embassy, The                                         8/3                   (62) 49

 

 

Call of the West, The                                          9/12                (75) 25

Canal, The                                                     5/6                   (5) 28

Captain Singo, or Goon Law or Anythingggggg (Hern) *

            see The Call of the West

Case of Agent X2, The*

            see The Silent Bugler

Case of the Fake Neddie Seagoons, The* **

            see The Mystery of the Fake Neddie Seagoons

Case of the Missing CD Plates, The                6/5                   (23) 63

Case of the Missing Heir, The                             5/16                (8) 30

Case of the Vanishing Room, The                             4/21

Childe of Harolde Rewarde, The                             9/6                   (74) 82

China Story                                                    5/17                (9)

China Story (Radio Show version)                      29-8-56

Chinese Legs, The                                           10/3                (82)

Choking Horror, The                                        6/22                (26) 37

Christmas Carol, A                                              10/1                (86) 58

Christmas Crackers (contribution)             25-12-53

Cinderella                                                       26-12-51

Collapse of the British Railway Sandwich

                        System,The                         4/24

Collapse of the British Railway

            Sandwich System The*

            see The Mustard and Cress Shortage

Confessions of a Secret Senna-pod Drinker* **

            see The End

Conquest of Space, The                                        5/23

Coronation Edition                                                3-6-53

Crime Does Not Pay*

            see The Kippered Herring Gang

Crime Does Not Pay Income Tax

            see r. Jekyll and Mr. Crun

Curse of Frankenstein, The                           8/18                (64) 51

 

De Goonlies, The                                         3/22

Death in the Desert*

            see The Lost Gold Mine (of Charlotte)

Dishonoured -- Again                                              9/13                (78)

Dishonoured, or The Fall of Neddie Seagoon            5/12                (7)

Dr Jekyll and Mr. Crun                                             4/16

The Dreaded Batter-Pudding Hurler

            (of Bexhill-on-Sea), The                   5/3                   (88)

Dreaded Piano Clubber, The                          4/1

Dreaded Piano Clubber, The                          V/12                (V/12)

Drums Along the Mersey, The                             7/2                   (31) 71

 

Egg of the Great Auk, The                             3/2

Emperor of the Universe                                      7/14                (104)

End, The                                                        5/26                (13) 33

Evils of Bushey Spon, The                              8/25

Expedition for Toothpaste, The                             3/5

Fear of Wages, The                                       6/25                69

50 Pound Cure, The                                           9/17                (80)

Fireball of Milton Street, The                             5/22                (94)

First Albert Memorial to the Moon, The                 4/7

First Albert Memorial to the Moon, The*

            see The Albert Memorial

Flea, The                                                        7/12                (36) 15

Flint of the Flying Squad                         3/12

 

 

Flying Saucer Mystery, The                          4/10

Foiled by President Fred                            6/7                   72

Forog                                                              5/13                (93)

Fred Fu-Manchu and his Bamboo Saxophone*

            see The Terrible Revenge of Fred Fu-Manchu

Fred of the Islands                                               3/1

Ghastly Experiments of Dr. Hans

            Eidelburger, The                              4/3

Giant Bombardon, The                                         4/13

Giant Bombardon, The                                         V/4                  (V/4) 74

Gibraltar Story, The                                          4/5

Gold Plate Robbery, The                                                9/16                (79) 26

Goons Hit Wales, The                                        1-3-56

Great Art Mystery, The*

            see The Mystery of the Fake Neddie Seagoons

Great Bank of England Robbery, The                        4/29

Great Bank of England Robbery, The                        V/11                (V/11) 12

Great Bank Robbery, The                                                7/7                   (101)

Great British Revolution, The                             8/12                (57) 48

Great Ink Drought of 1902, The                              4/22

Great Regent's Park Swim, The                             8/4                   (50) 21

Great Statue Debate, The                          8/26                (107)

Great Trans-Africa Canal, The*

            see The Africa Ship Canal

Great Tuscan Salami Scandal, The             6/23                (28) 68

Greatest Mountain in the World, The                 4/23

Greatest Mountain in the World, The                 V/2                  (V/2) 9

Greenslade Story, The                                          6/14                66

 

Hansard Unexpurgated*

            see The Ink Shortage and

            The Great Ink Drought of 1902

Harry Proves he is not a Dog+

            see The Spanish Armada

Hastings FlyerDRobbed, The                         6/15

Her                                                                  2/8

Histories of Pliny the Elder, The                  7/25                (105)

History of Communications, The                                 4/18

House of Teeth, The                                         6/20                (24) 67

 

I Knew Terence Nuke*

            see Dishonoured Again

I Was a Male Fan Dancer                                       3/3

I Was Monty's Treble                                     9/2                   (67) 54

Ill Met By Goonlight                                           7/23                (46) 20

In Honour Bound*

            see Foiled by President Fred

Ink Shortage, The                                         V/7                  (V/7)

Insurance, the White Man's Burden                       7/21                (44) 19

Internal Mountain, The                                         V/9                  (V/9) 11

International Christmas Pudding, The             6/9                   (17) 65

Invisible Acrobat, The                                     4/28

 

Jet-Propelled Guided NAAFI, The                           6/19                (99)

Junk Affair, The                                         8/2                   (49)

 

King Solomon's Mines                                      8/10                (55) 75

Kippered Herring Gang, The                             4/19

Kippered Herring Gang, The                             V/5                  (V/5)

Kleens of Blenchinghall, The*

            see The Gold Plate Robbery

 

Last of the Smoking Seagoons, The*

            see The Last Smoking Seagoon

Last Smoking Seagoon, The                             10/6                (85) 57

Last Tram (from Clapham), The                             5/9                   (90)

Lost Colony, The* **

            see The Sale of Manhattan

Lost Emperor, The                                                6/3                   62

Lost Gold Mine (of Charlotte), The                 5/2                   (2) 27

Lost Horizon*

            see Shangri-La Again

Lost Music of Purdom, The*

            see The Missing Scroll

Lost Year, The                                                     6/13                (20)

Lurgi Strikes Again**

            see Lurgi Strikes Britain

Lurgi Strikes Britain                                     5/7                   (89)

 

MacReekie Rising of '74, The                             7/4                   (32)

Man Who Never Was, The                                         3/20

Man Who Never Was, The                                         6/27                (30) 13

Man Who Never Was, The                                         8/21

Man Who Tried To Destroy London's

            Monuments, The                                        4/2

Man Who Won the War, The                                6/1                   (97)

Merry Christmas and Custard, A*

            see A Christmas Carol

Mighty Wurlitzer, The                                         6/16                (21)

l,000,000 Pound Penny, The                            9/3                   (68) 81

Missing Battleship, The                                         8/8                   (53)

Missing Boa Constrictor, The                             7/24                (47) 44

Missing Bureaucrat, The                                         4/8

Missing Christmas Parcel, The                            8-12-55

Missing Prime Minister, The                          4/15

Missing Prime Minister of 1953, The*

            see The Missing Ten Downing Street

Missing Scroll, The                                          5/19                (11) 31

Missing Ten Downing Street, The                            V/3                  (V/3)

Moon Show, The                                                     7/18                (40) 16

Moriarty Murder Mystery, The                          8/17                (61) 77

Mountain Eaters, The                                        9/5                   (70) 23

Mummified Priest, The                                         4/17

Mummified Priest, The                                         V/1                  (V/1) 4

Mustard and Cress Shortage, The                             V/8                  (V/8)

My Heart's in the Highlands*

            see The Curse of Frankenstein Mysterious

Punch-up-the-Conker, The                             7/19                (41) 17

Mystery of the Cow on the Hill, The               3/18

Mystery of the Fake Neddie Seagoons, The     7/9                   (35) 14

Mystery of the Marie Celeste (Solved), The            5/8                   (6) 29

Mystery of the Monkey's Paw, The                    5/17

 

Nadger Plague, The                                       7/3                   (100)

Napoleon's Piano                                      6/4                   (14) 3

Nasty Affair at the Burami Oasis, The                 7/1                   70

Navy, Army and Air Force, The                             3/9

Ned's Atomic Dustbin                                              9/10                (73)

Ned the Miser+

            see The 1,000,000 Pound Penny

Nineteen-Eighty-Five                                         5/15

Nineteen-Eighty-Five                                         5/20

 

Operation Bagpipes                                           4/9

Operation Christmas Duff                            24-12-56

 

Pam's Paper Insurance Policy, The                 9/4                   (69)

Personal Narrative                                            7/8                   (34) 40

Personal Narrative of Captain Neddie

                        Seagoon R.N, The

            see Personal Narrative

Pevensey Bay Disaster, The                             6/10                (18) 34

Phantom Head Shaver (of Brighton), The                 5/4                   (3) 59

Plasticine Man, The                                            8/13                (58) 76

Policy, The                                                     8/9                   (54) 22

Port of London Authority's Valuable Hand

            Carved Oil Painted Valuable Floating Pier, The*

            see The Sinking of Westminster Pier

 

Quatermass O.B.E. *

            see The Scarlet Capsule

Queen Anne's Rain                                       9/8                   (72) 24

 

Raid of the International Christmas

            Pudding, The                                               6/17

Reason Why, The                                                     22-8-57

Red Fort, The                                                     8/7

Rent Collectors, The                                         7/16                73

Robin Hood                                                   26-12-52

Robin Hood                                                   rec. 2-12-56  (48) 84

Robin's Post                                                  10/4                (83) 56

Rommel's Treasure                                            6/6                   (15) 6

Round the World in Eighty Days                           7/20                (43) 18

Saga of HMS Aldgate, The                          3/4

Saga of the Internal Mountain, The                 4/27

Sahara Desert Statue, The                           9/1                   80

Sale of Manhattan, The                                         6/11                (19) 35

Scarlet Capsule, The                                     9/14                (76)

Scradje                                                                       6/26                (29) 5

Seagoon MCC* **

            see The Man Who Won the War

Seagoon Memoirs, The                                                9/7                   (71) 55

Search for Rommel's Treasure, The*

            see Rommel's Treasure

Search for the Bearded Vulture, The               3/16

Seaside Resorts in Winter                         3/13

Secret Escritoire, The                                         6/2                   (98)

Shangri-La Again                                      6/8                   (16) 7

Shifting Sands                                                 7/17                (39) 42

Siege of Fort Knight, The                            4/30

Siege of Fort Night, The                              V/13                (V/13)

Siege of Khartoum, The+

            see The History of Communications

Silent Bugler, The                                         4/25

Silent Bugler, The                                         V/10                (V/10) 79

Silver Dubloons, The                                         10/5                (84) 83

Sinking of Westminster Pier, The                     5/21                (12) 32

Six Charlies in Search of an Author                   7/13                (37)

Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street, The                5/23                (95)

Sleeping Prince, The                                        7/6                   (42) 64

Space Age, The                                                     8/6                   (51) 45

Spanish Armada, The                                     4/11

Spanish Suitcase, The                                         5/11                (92)

Spectre of Tintagel, The                         7/5                   (33) 39

Spon                                                               8/1

Spon Plague, The                                         8/23                (66) 53

Spy, The

            see Who Is Pink Oboe?

Starlings, The                                                     31-8-54

Stolen Postman, The                                         8/11                (56) 47

Story of a Crime Type Murder, The*

            see The l,000,000 Pound Penny

Story of Civilization, The                             3/15

Story of Lord Seagoon, Playboy of the

            Western Approaches, The*

see Robin's Post

Story of the Plymouth Hoe Armada, The                 3/25

Strange Case of Diplomatic Immunity, A*

            see The Case of the Missing CD Plates

String Robberies, The                                         8/16                (60) 78

Survey of Britain, A                                            3/11

Tale of India, A*

            see The Red Fort

Tale of Men's Shirts, The                             10/2                (81)

Tales of Montmartre                                        6/18                (22) 36

Tales of Old Dartmoor                                           6/21                (25)

Tay Bridge, The                                                     9/15                (77)

Telephone, The                                                     7/11                (103)

Ten Snowballs that Shook the World                   8/20                (63) 50

Ten Thousand Fathoms Down in a Wardrobe                   4/14

Terrible Blasting of Moreton's Bank, The

            (see note 8 to 5th series)

Terrible Revenge of Fred Fu-Manchu, The             6/12

Terror of Bexhill-on-Sea. The*

            see The Dreaded Batter - Pudding Hurler (of

                        Bexhill-on-Sea)

Thing on the Mountain, The                             8/15                (106)

Through the Sound Barrier in an Airing Cupboard            4/6

Tiddleywinks                                                  8/24

Toothpaste Expedition, The                             4/20

Tragedy of Oxley Towers, The                           3/14

Treasure in the Lake, The                             6/24                (27) 58

Treasure in the Tower, The                             8/5                   (52) 46

Treasure of Loch Lomond, The* see

            The Treasure in the Lake

 

Under Two Floorboards -- A Story of the Legion            5/18                (10) 61

 

Vanishing Room, The                                         V/6                  (V/6) 10

Western Story                                                   4/26

What's My Line?                                                  7/10                (102)

Where Do Socks Come From?                         3/19

Where does Santa Claus go in the Summer?            3/8

Whistling Spy Enigma, The                          5/1                   (1)

White Box of Great Bardfield, The                 5/25                60

White Neddie Trade, The                                         8/19

Who Is Pink Oboe?                                                9/11

Wings Over Dagenham                                        7/15                (38) 41

World War One                                                     8/22                (65) 52

 

Yehti                                                               5/24                (96)

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

CAST LIST

 

So many characters appeared in the Goon Shows that it is impossible to list them all; all the major characters are included and many of the minor ones, but not those who appeared in one show only. A few minor characters were played by different people from time to time

-- they are listed under the artist who usually plays them.

 

 

 

HARRY SECOMBE plays

Neddie Seagoon                                            Old Uncle Oscar

Fred Bogg (cockney idiot)                Mr. Nugent Dirt

Big Chief Worri Guts

 

PETER SELLERS plays

Mr. Henry Crun                                        Cynthia/'Breathy Kensington Dear'

Hercules Grytpype-Thynne                       Hern (American Announcer)

Major Dennis Bloodnok                               Babu Banerjee

Bluebottle                                          'Dear Duchess'

Willium ('Mate')                                   Hairy Scot

Lew/'Cash'/Judge Schnorrer                   'Swede' (rustic voice)

Gravely Headstone                            'Geraldo'

Flowerdew ('camp' voice)                        'Cyril' ('I seen 'im')

Dr. Justin Eidelburger                            'Dimbleby'

Reuben Croucher                                            'Churchill'

William J. MacGoonigal (sometimes)            and the piano (very badly)

 

SPIKE MlLLlGAN plays

Eccles                                                            'Wolfit' (tragic actor)

Miss Minnie Bannister                               Fred Fu-Manchu (and other Chinese

Count Jim Moriarty                                              gentlemen)

Abdul/Singhiz Thingz                                 Throat/Miss Throat

Mr. Lalkaka                                        Yakamoto

Bowser (upper-class twit)                 Jim Spriggs Basil

Adolphus Spriggs (wandering singer)                        (upper-upper-class twit)

William J. MacGoonigal (other times)            Little Jim

Odium

 

RAY ELLINGTON plays

Big Chief Ellinga                                    The Red Bladder

Gladys

 

 

14. BBC Censorship

------------------

 

 

                                                                              Private and Confidential

 

                                     BBC Variety Programmes Policy Guide

                                          For Writers and Producers

 

            Preface

 

            This booklet is for the guidance of producers and writers of light

            entertainment programmes. It seeks to set out the BBC's general policy

            towards this type of material, to list the principal 'taboos', to

            indicate traps for the unwary or inexperienced, and to summarise the

            main guidance so far issued of more than a short-term application. It

            is however no more than a guide, inevitably incomplete and subject of

            course to supplementation. It cannot replace the need of each producer

            to exercise continued vigilance in matters of taste.

 

            General

 

            The BBC's attitude towards its entertainment programs is largely

            governed by the fact that broadcasting is a part of the domestic life

            of the nation. It caters in their own homes for people of all ages,

            classes, trades and occupations, political opinions and religious

            beliefs. In that respect it has no parallel among other media of

            entertainment and the argument, frequently advanced, that the BBC

            should be ready to broadcast material passed for public performance on

            the stage or screen is not valid. The Corporation must have its own

            standards moulded in the light of its own circumstances. The influence

            that it can exert upon its listeners is immense and the responsibility

            for a high standard of taste correspondingly heavy. Its aim is for its

            programmes to entertain without giving reasonable offence to any part

            of its diversified audience. It must therefore keep its programmes

            free from vulgarity, political bias, and matter in questionable taste.

            The claims of sectional interests to special consideration need

            constantly to be weighed but at the same time the BBC must not be at

            the mercy of the cranks. On more or less controversial issues the

            Corporation confines itself to what it regards as fair comment in the

            context. On matters of taste it has to set itself a standard that will

            be accepted by most rational people.

 

            These are the principal factors influencing BBC policy. The

            responsibility for enforcing it, since in normal times there are no

            official censors, is very largely vested in producers themselves and

            it is therefore of paramount importance that they should be aware both

            of the Corporation’s general attitude towards the subject and of the

            detailed rules which have been drawn up during some 25 years'

            practical experience.

 

            Producers are not asked to be narrow-minded in their approach to the

            problem but they are required to recognize its importance and to err,

            it at all, on the side of caution. Material about which a producer has

            doubts should, if it cannot be submitted to someone in higher

            authority, be deleted, and an artist's assurance that it has been

            previously broadcast is no justification for repeating it. 'When in

            doubt, take it out' is the wisest maxim.

 

            Vulgarity

 

            Programmes must at all cost be kept free of crudities, coarseness and

            innuendo. Humor must be clean and untainted directly or by association

            with vulgarity and suggestiveness. Music hall, stage, and to a lesser

            degree, screen standards, are not suitable to broadcasting. Producers,

            artists and writers must recognize this fact and the strictest watch

            must be kept. There can be no compromise with doubtful material. It

            must be cut.

 

            A. General. Well known vulgar jokes (e.g. the Brass Monkey) 'cleaned

            up', are not normally admissible since the humor in such cases is

            almost invariably evident only if the vulgar version is known.

 

            There is an absolute ban upon the following:-

 

            Jokes about -

 

            Lavatories

 

            Effeminacy in men

 

            Immorality of any kind

 

            Suggestive references to -

 

            Honeymoon couples

 

            Chambermaids

 

            Fig leaves

 

            Prostitution

 

            Ladies' underwear, e.g. winter draws on

 

            Animal habits, e.g. rabbits

 

            Lodgers

 

            Commercial travelers

 

            Extreme care should be taken in dealing with references to or jokes

            about -

 

            Pre-natal influences (e.g. 'His mother was frightened by a donkey')

 

            Marital infidelity

            Good taste and decency are the obvious governing considerations. The

            vulgar use of such words as 'basket' must also be avoided.

 

            B. Sophisticated Revue and Cabaret. A great deal of the material

            performed elsewhere in these types of entertainment is just not

            suitable to be broadcast. There can perhaps be a little more latitude

            in the editing of 'sophisticated' programmes which are billed and

            generally identified as such but not sufficiently for them to reflect

            all the accepted characteristics of this kind of show. The fact is

            that radio revue and cabaret must be tailored to the microphone in

            much the same way as other programmes and deny itself may items

            technically suitable which do not conform to established BBC

            standards.

 

            Advertising

 

            Advertising of any sort is not normally allowed and gratuitous

            publicity for any commercial undertaking or product may not be given.

            Occasionally, however, such references may be unavoidable where, for

            instance, a commercial firm is sponsoring a public event, e.g. the

            Star Dancing Championships, the Melody Maker Dance Band Contest. In

            such cases mention of the sponsoring body must not go beyond the

            proper courtesy and essential programme interest.

 

            Otherwise mention of all firms, trade and proprietary names is barred.

 

            N.B. The following trade names are now regarded as generic terms:-

 

            Aspirin

            Bakerlite

 

            Cellophane

            Gramophone

            Luminal

            Nylon

            Photostat

            Pionola

            Spam

            Tabloid

            Thermos

            Vaseline

            Zip

 

            The inclusion of any of these is therefore permitted in scripts but

            derogatory references to them must be avoided as constituting a form

            of 'trade slander'.

 

            American material and 'Americanisms'

 

            Various fairly obvious factors, such as American films and the fact

            that much modern popular music originates in America, tend to exert a

            transatlantic influence upon our programmes. American idiom and slang,

            for instance, frequently find their way quite inappropriately into

            scripts, and dance band singers for the most part elect to adopt

            psuedo American accents. The BBC believes that this spurious

            Americanization of programmes - whether in the writing or in the

            interpretation - is unwelcome to the great majority of listeners and

            incidentally, seldom complimentary to the Americans.

 

            There is and always will be a place in programmes for authentic

            American artistes and material but the BBC's primary job in light

            entertainment must be to purvey programmes in our own native idiom,

            dialects and accents. The 'Americanization' of British scripts, acts

            and performances is therefore most actively discouraged.

 

            Libel and slander

 

            Actionable references in Variety Programmes have been few since

            broadcasting began. Producers must, however, take all possible steps

            to ensure that defamatory material is not included in scripts. The

            three most likely forms for it to take are:

 

            (a) an uncomplimentary gag by one artist about a fellow artist or

            other person.

 

            (b) impersonations which may be taken as derogatory.

 

            (c) the use in a fictional setting of a character identifiable with a

            living person (particularly, of course, if the character is 'bad').

 

            Consideration of taste are usually a safeguard against (a) and (b),

            though the possibility of defamation makes caution on the producer's

            part more than ever necessary. Against (c) there can be no complete

            safeguard, but producers and writers must be scrupulously careful to

            see that characters in plays and sketches are not given names of

            living people whose circumstances are remotely similar to those in the

            fictional plot. In the case of title people reference books must be

            consulted. In other cases all reasonable checks that are possible must

            be made.

 

            Biblical references

 

            This is by no means easy, so many biblical phrases having long since

            passed into the language and being therefore for the most part

            admissible in any context. The criterion should, generally speaking,

            be whether a phrase or saying is still largely identified with the

            Bible. In that case it should not be used in a comedy setting - though

            it may still be quite suitable for a programme of a more serious

            character.

 

            Sayings of Christ or descriptive of Him are, of course, inadmissible

            for light entertainment programmes.

 

            Jokes built around Bible stories, e.g. Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel,

            David and Goliath, must also be avoided or any sort of parody of them.

            References to a few biblical characters e.g. Noah, are sometimes

            permissible but, since there is seldom anything to be gained by them

            and since they can engender much resentment they are best avoided

            altogether.

 

            Religious references

 

            Reference to and jokes about different religious or religious

            denominations are banned. The following are also inadmissible:-

 

            Jokes about A.D. or B.C. (e.g. 'before Crosby)

 

            Jokes or comic songs about spiritualism, christenings, religious

            ceremonies of any description (e.g. weddings, funerals)

 

            Parodies of Christmas carols

 

            Offensive references to Jews (or any other religious sects)

 

            Political references

 

            No precise general directive can be given since each individual case

            needs to be considered on its merits and the performer, the manner of

            delivery, and the context all need to be taken into account. General

            guidance is however given in the following quotation from a directive

            issued on 2nd July, 1948: 'We are not prepared in deference to

            protests from one Party or another to deny ourselves legitimate

            topical references to political figures and affairs, which

            traditionally have been a source of comedians' material. We therefore

            reserve the right for Variety programmes in moderation to take a crack

            at the Government of the day and the Opposition so long as they do so

            sensibly, without undue acidity, and above all funnily.

 

            'Generally speaking, political issues should not be made the running

            theme of any light entertainment programme or item, and references

            should be no more than incidental. Occasionally, of course, a sketch

            or comedy sequence based on, e.g. the National Health Service, is

            permissible.

 

            'We must guard against the over-exploitation of songs with a political

            theme. Usually these are MS numbers sung by comedians and are

            legitimate enough for one or two performances when strictly topical,

            but undesirable if "plugged" in many programmes.

 

            'We must bar altogether:

 

            (a) anything which we adjudge to go beyond fair comment in this sort

            of context on a matter of general topical interest;

 

            (b) anything that can be construed as personal abuse of Ministers,

            Party Leaders, or M.P's, malicious references to them or references in

            bad taste;

            (c) anything which can reasonably be construed as derogatory to

            political institutions, Acts of Parliament and the Constitution

            generally;

 

            (d) anything with a Party bias.

 

            'To sum up, our approach to the whole subject should be good humored,

            un-partisan, and in good taste.'

 

            Members of Parliament may not be included in programmes without

            special permission. This permission will not be granted, whether or

            not the M.P. concerned is willing, for programmes the BBC considers it

            unsuitable or undignified for a Member of Parliament to appear.

 

            Physical or mental infirmities

 

            Very great distress can be caused to invalids and their relatives by

            thoughtless jokes about any kind of physical disability. The

            temptation to introduce them is the greater because in the milder

            afflictions they often represent an easy source of comedy, but, as a

            matter of taste, it must be resisted. The following are therefore

            barred:

 

            Jocular references to all forms of physical infirmity or disease, e.g.

            blindness, deafness, loss of limbs, paralysis, cancer, consumption,

            smallpox.

 

            Jokes about war injuries of any description.

 

            Jokes about the more embarrassing disabilities, e.g., bow-legs, cross-

            eyes, stammering (this is the most common 'gag' subject of this kind).

 

            Jokes about any form of mental deficiency.

 

            Drink

 

            References to and jokes about drink are allowed in strict moderation

            so long as they can really be justified on entertainment grounds. Long

            'drunk' stories or scenes should, however, be avoided and the number

            of references in any one programme carefully watched. There is no

            objection to the use of well-known drinking songs, e.g. 'Another

            Little Drink', 'Little Brown Jug', in their proper contexts. Trade

            slogans, e.g. 'Beer is Best', are barred. Remarks such as 'one for the

            road' are also inadmissible on road safety grounds.

 

            Expletives

 

            Generally speaking the use of expletives and forceful language on the

            air can only be justified in a serious dramatic setting where the

            action of the play demands them. They have no place at all in light

            entertainment and all such words as God, Good God, My God, Blast,

            Hell, Damn, Bloody, Gorblimey, Ruddy, etc., etc., should be deleted

            from scripts and innocuous expressions substituted.

            Impersonations

 

            All impersonations need the permission of the people being

            impersonated and producers must reassure themselves that this has been

            given before allowing any to be broadcast.

 

            Artists' repertories of impersonations are usually restricted to:-

 

            (a) leading public figures and political figures;

 

            (b) fellow artists.

 

            As to (a) the Corporation's policy is against broadcasting

            impersonations of elder statesmen, e.g. Winston Churchill, and leading

            political figures. Any others in this category should invariably be

            referred.

 

            As to (b) there is no objection, but certain artists have notified the

            Corporation that no unauthorized impersonations may be broadcast. The

            present list is given below but should be checked from time to time

            with the Variety Booking Manager. A double check by producers as to

            permission is advisable in these cases:-

 

            Gracie Fields

            Ethel Revnell (with or without Gracie West)

            Renee Houston

            Nat Mills and Bobbie

            Vera Lynn

            Jeanne de Casalis (Mrs. Feather)

            Harry Hemsley

 

            Very occasionally the question arises of the impersonation of people

            now dead. There is, of course, no possible objection to the portrayal

            or caricature of historic figures of the remote past, but the

            impersonation of people who have died within living memory or whose

            relations may still be alive, should normally be avoided altogther. In

            any event only exceptional cases will be considered and the permission

            of surviving relations, if any, must always be obtained.

 

            Mention of charitable organizations

 

            Appeals for charity are normally confined to 'The Week's Good Cause'.

            No such appeals are allowed, save in the most exceptional

            circumstances, elsewhere in programmes. Veiled appeals in the form of

            incidental references to charitable organizations are also barred.

 

            Special permission must therefore invariably be sought for the mention

            of a charity, whatever the context, in entertainment programmes.

 

            'British' and 'English'

 

            The misuse of the word English where British is correct causes much

            needless offence to Scottish, Ulster and Welsh listeners. It is a

            common error but one which is easily avoided by proper care on the

            part of the writers and producers. At the same time we should not

            hesitate to use the word 'English' if it is the proper description.

 

            Popular Music

 

            Virtually all newly published dance numbers are approved for

            broadcasting by the Dance Music Policy Committee before publication,

            and it is unnecessary to detail here policy considerations affecting

            the acceptance of such material. Two matters, are, however, worth

            noting:

 

            (a) British Music

 

            It is the Corporation's policy actively to encourage British music so

            long as this does not lead to a lowering of accepted musical

            standards.

 

            (b) Jazzing the Classics

 

            The jazzing by dance bands of classical tunes or the borrowing and

            adaptation of them is normally unacceptable. Any instances of this in MS

            material submitted for programmes must be referred by producers to a

            higher authority.

 

            Miscellaneous points

 

            Avoid derogatory references to:-

 

            Professions, trades, and 'classes', e.g. solicitors, commercial

            travelers, miners, 'the working class'

 

            Colored races

 

            Avoid any jokes or references that might be taken to encourage:-

 

            Strikes or industrial disputes

 

            The Black Market

 

            Spivs and drones

 

            Avoid any references to 'The MacGillicuddy of the Reeks' or jokes

            about his name.

 

            Do not refer to Negroes as 'Niggers' ('Nigger Minstrels' is allowed).

 

            'Warming up' sequences with studio audiences before broadcasts should

            be conform to the same standards as the programmes themselves. Sample

            recordings should be the subject to the same vigilance as

            transmissions.

 

            Special considerations for overseas broadcasts

            Humour in other countries, as in our own, is limited by social,

            political and religious taboos, and some sources of comedy legitimate

            enough for this country are not acceptable abroad. The majority of

            overseas audiences are not Christian by religion nor white in colour.

            Disrespectful, let alone derogatory, references to Buddhists, Hindus,

            Moslems, and so on, and any references to colour may therefore cause

            deep offence and should be avoided altogether. It is impossible to

            list in detail all potentially dangerous subjects but a few random

            examples are given here:

 

            Chinese abhor the description 'Chinamen', which should not be used.

 

            Chinese laundry jokes may be offensive.

 

            Jokes like 'enough to make a Maltese Cross' are of doubtful value.

 

            The term Boer War should not be used - South African War is correct.

 

            Jokes about 'harems' are offensive in some parts of the world.

 

 

 

 

 

15. Credits

-----------

 

In no particular order, an incomplete list of people who (unbeknown to

them) contributed material:

 

            Bill Taylor (wft@math.canterbury.ac.nz)

            Paul Martin (pm@nowster.demon.co.uk)        

            David Josephson <david@josephson.com> 

            Hugh Garsden (hughg@parlo.ee.su.oz.au)

            Marc Wiener (marc@aip.org)

            Derek Wills (oo7@astro.as.utexas.edu)

            Tony Quinn (tonyquin@sixpints.demon.co.uk)

            Ted Richards (ted@isgtec.com)

            Fred Weil (fredw@fred1.demon.co.uk)

            Duncan Gibson (dgibson@titan.trl.OZ.AU)

            Nigel Kernick (n0kernic@cs.adelaide.edu.au)

            Pete hardie (ve5va.qrp@usask.ca)

            Mark Williams (mw10004@cus.cam.ac.uk)

            Lance Corporal Bluebottle, aka Aaron Mandel (amandel@husc.harvard.edu)

            Jeremy Rogers  (jeremy.rogers@aea.orgn.uk)

            Tom Collins (tommyc@patchbay.com)

            James Dickie (jamie@spd.eee.strathclyde.ac.uk)

            Alec (jac55@cas.org)

            Tim Poston (tim@iss.nus.sg)

            Steve Caskey (caskey_s@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz)

            Nigel Strudwick (ncs3@cus.cam.ac.uk)

            Roger Ratcliff (roger@eccles.psych.nwu.edu)

            Matthew Fisher (mcf1000@bootes.cus.cam.ac.uk)

            Andy Finney (andy@atsf.demon.co.uk)

            Ursula 'Fnordibo' Stafford (stafford_u@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz)

and of course:

            Spike, Peter, Harry, Eccles, Bluebottle and Neddie, ...

           

16. Eternal debate

------------------

 

Every news group needs at least one. We are no exception.

 

The questions is of course: ``What is the best Goon Show of them all?''

 

My answer is, by a narrow margin:

            Dishonoured Again

 

 

Good night, Charlies everywhere