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Lord Diablo Stalks Earth, Kills Thousands, Improves Economy

Lord Diablo Stalks Earth, Kills Thousands, Improves Economy

Rogue Encampment, Khanduras — Thousands have been slain only to rise as soulless undead creatures chained in servitude to the Master of Evil, Lord Diablo, who has returned amidst a fiery inferno of terror and death.

Meanwhile, local shops are reporting a sudden boost in sales.

As the refugees within the small Rogue Encampment gradually fell victim to horrid enchantments that stole minds and corrupted hearts, shops have remained open and stocks soared on the news that local hero Blood Raven had been twisted into a horrible lich-like simulacrum of her former self.

“All this death and destruction,” said local merchant Gheed as he took shelter beside his wagon. “It’s just horrible, truly horrible.”

“Nah,” he said, sifting through crates full of magic swords and armor. “I’m making a fortune.”

After a brief exchange with a noble paladin, Gheed accepted several thousand coins in exchange for a “grab bag” that ultimately contained a pair of boots worth half that amount, and no better than those the hero already owned.

“That’s why I have a strict no-return policy,” said Gheed as the holy warrior wandered off to desecrate tombs at the nearby graveyard in search of gold.

Stragglers and survivors poured into the camp throughout the day, most with nothing but the clothes on their back and a scant few items they could grab as they desperately fled the nightmarish apocalypse that slowly spread across the land, stretching its dark tendrils further east, black clouds of undeath consuming all they touched.

Local blacksmith Charsi was happy to sell them all the armor they could pay for.

“Come back if you need anything,” she said, cheerfully whistling and counting coins as a visiting necromancer grimly wandered over a nearby bridge towards a cave, emaciated body wreathed in the only armor he could afford: a pair of minimally-enchanted leather gloves.

He would not be seen again.

Akara, High Priestess of the Sisterhood of the Sightless Eye and head of the Rogue Camp, expressed concern that the merchants who remained open during the tragedy were simply preying on the misfortune of others.

“I’ve done my best to stay clear of Gheed,” she said, pausing to sell healing potions and a cherry red tome to a horribly wounded Druid. “And Warriv? His only real concern is to reach the eastern trading ports with his caravan.”

“I’m afraid I can only offer but poor shelter within these rickety walls,” she added.

“Also, I can offer a selection of staffs and wands, all at great prices. Please, take your time.”

Story reported by Observer contributor Michael Fiegel.

20 Responses to “Lord Diablo Stalks Earth, Kills Thousands, Improves Economy”

  1. Deckard Cain says:

    Stay a while and listen.

  2. MillyQPublic says:

    A certain paladin I know has been taking all of the food items out of the bags of his children and auctioning them for a cost that seems exorbitant, given their relatively high drop rate.

  3. Lord Diablo says:

    I am only doing with everyone’s best interests in mind.

    Incidentally, I’m writing a book, “How to Boost Your Economy in 30,000 Deaths or Less”. It details the importance of leaving low-level undead near refugee camps so that heroes can go out and find gold, but having much higher-level ones farther out to keep them from getting too cocky.

    I’m hoping my book will be used in classrooms around the world.

  4. Frank West says:

    I wasn’t aware the observer was accepting editorials from third parties, might have to give that a look at some point.

    I’ve covered wars, y’know?

  5. LaZodiac says:

    Considering the fact that the respawns are explained in canon, the Necromancer must be playing on the intense difficulty where death is permanent.

    And since he only bought leather gloves, he fucking deserved it. Moron.

  6. LaZodiac says:

    OH, and another thing. Pretty sure Akara doesn’t sell you shit.

  7. Akara says:

    I sell a wide assortment of scrolls, potions, staves, wands and scepters. Though not to you, LaZodiac.

    Or should I say… Nihlathak!

  8. Blood Raven says:

    I can’t believe this! I was told that we would be destroying my former sisters, and now I find out I was just being led to believe that so adventurers would come and attack me? He told me he gave me 200-350 gold to buy better weapons with, but now I find that it’s just more incentive for these looting “heroes” to come and kill me!

    I’ve been sitting in this graveyard for years resurrecting a dark army for Diablo and never once did the order to attack the rogue camp come along! Seriously, I can resurrect 10 zombies in a minute and there’s only like 8 rogues left in that encampment! I quit!

  9. In related news, my ex-wife may be a totaliltarian biznatch with weird social/psychological/religious theories, but at least she keeps the vending machines stocked. Mmmm… decade old candy bars…

  10. Andariel says:

    Oh Christ (excuse the expression). First of all, I’m on a budget, there’s literally tens of thousands of demons out there and all of them must be properly supplied. Do you think it’s easy dividing salaries? Recently I just began giving random junk to the minions, some of them don’t even get money, I’ve gotten so low as to pay broken pole-arms and wands to demons that won’t make any practical use of them, like the Fallen Ones for example. Or the quill rats!

    Second of all, THE GODDAMN ADVENTURERS! Okay, I get it if we get some losses, but do they have to loot fucking everything? Coins, equipment, they don’t care! If I have nothing to reuse as payment for the new hellspawn arriving every Thursday, I might just have to give Diablo a ring and call it quits. I simply can’t work in such an environment.

    I have considered plenty of times to attack the Rogue encampment and take all the money and items they have, but every time I collect a hundred demons to do the job, some dumbass comes and slays them all. Not saying that it’s not expectable, I mean the only guys that apply for, probably, our top priority job are Fallen Ones and zombies – all higher ranking demons prefer to camp at the monastery and generally do nothing. And DON’T even get me started on making maps and battle plans. I swear the topography changes every freakin’ day! Sanctuary is a weird-ass realm, yo. I wish I’d stayed in Hell.

  11. Mr. Ryan says:

    To hear of such enterprise makes me proud. To those who would expect that these so-called “adventurers” should get free handouts on their quests; Pah! Just because our world and very survival depends entirely on their heroic acts does not mean we should let them get a discount.

    Parasites. Parasites everywhere.

  12. Bar Patron says:

    Sigh… Times are tough.

  13. Bob Page says:

    A man after my own heart. Imagine, taking over the world without the internet or nanotechnology to back him up. Such drive.

  14. Mehrunes Dagon says:

    Damn it, why couldn’t mortals get this through their thick heads when I did this? I mean, sure, conquering Tamriel and remaking it as my new Daedric plane would have been a great side benefit, but the economy was my main focus. The Empire would have had to arm troops, buy food from local merchants, invest in the city defenses…would have kickstarted the market, and got prices back on a normal level. Instead, I get my ass handed to me by a glowing dragon and some wimp who saved Kvatch. Cheers.

  15. Adventurer #245 says:

    I got to say though, Akara’s free healing with every visit does generate good will and a lot of incentive to buy.

  16. Fallen says:

    RAKINISHU!! RAAAAAHHHHH!!! Aahh…ahhhh..

    Oh fuck it, I’m getting tired of dying and then being reborn constantly by my shaman. I mean really, how much are we getting paid, anyways?


    Ow, that time really hurt. What was I talking about again? Hmm… Hey a Lev. 1 Necro, I think I can take ‘im….

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  18. Daniele Repress says:

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