Doctor Who

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Boring show from England about a guy who lives in a phone booth. Most recently seen killing a Harry Potter archive.

Has been whining longer than your fandom has existed. (Yes, Trekkers, even you.)

Herein you will find everything you need to know about Doctor Who, by which we mean boring shit Doctor Who fans thought you would want to know. They were, of course, wrong.


General Background

The title character is known simply as "The Doctor," because he has no name, except the title just named him "Doctor Who". Where common sense would suggest just calling the man "Doctor Who" for the sake of clarity, Doctor Who canon overrides this basic principle, and fans insist on calling him "The Doctor" just to be extremely irritating.

The Doctor is a Time Lord from the planet Teegeeack who solved the overpopulation crisis in the Galactic Confederacy by transporting the souls of 178 billion aliens in spacecraft that could assume any shape but got stuck in the form of a toolshed with rocket engines.

After that he traveled throughout time and space in a flying port-a-potty known as the TARDIS, but referred to as "the ship." He is accompanied on his journey by his freak of the week, who is referred to as "the Companion." The Doctor's adventures with the Companion aboard the ship are what are referred to as "the suck."

The role of Doctor Who has changed actors approximately as often as that of the blonde roommate on Three's Company. Any other television show, upon having recast the lead part umpteen times, would be written off as having jumped the shark, but in the magical zany amazing world of Doctor Who, this is explained with the detail that Time Lords routinely change their physical appearance and personality. Here now is a list of everyone who's played Doctor Who, as if you really wanted to know:

  • The First Doctor: William Hartnell
  • The Second Doctor: William Naslund
  • The Third Doctor: Tom Baker
  • The Fourth Doctor: Jon Pertwee
  • The Fifth Doctor: Ted McGinley
  • The Sixth Doctor: Colin Baker (technically the fourth Doctor according to Who novel #72, "Revenge of the Hawkmen")
  • The Seventh Doctor: Paul McGann (seen in the "Doctor Who" TV Movie, "Not Without My TARDIS")
  • The Eighth Doctor: Sylvester McCoy
  • The Ninth Doctor: Hugh G. Rection
  • The Tenth Doctor: Some other dandy wearing a giant scarf
  • The Eleventh Doctor: William Pitt the Elder
  • The Twelfth Doctor: William Pitt the Younger
  • The Thirteenth Doctor: William Pitt the Glint in the Milkman's Eye [1]

In theory, regenerations are limited at twelve, for a total limit of thirteen bodies. Until the new one quits, and then it'll be fourteen.

Which One Played Juan Epstein?

Well, that's a very interesting question, because you see... hey! You just made me look like a complete idiot! [2]


The Doctor "borrowed" his vessel from Gallifrey (whoever the hell that is) at some point in the past. The TARDIS (Talented At Randomly Directing Itself Selectively, aka the Plot-Seeking Missile) is substantially bigger inside than out. It has all-wheel drive and cupholders and could totally beat the Batmobile in a race.


His traditional enemies are:

  • The Master: Makes him wear a leather mask with a zipper over the mouth and say "Thank you mommy" while taking a whipping.
  • The Daleks: Shitty props Pepperpot-shaped cyborgs with no sense of humor, problems with stairs, and a yen to eliminate everything non-Dalek from the universe. There also may be tentacles involved. We're not sure why. Best known for causing nerds to yell "EXTERMINATE" in an extremely grating voice.
  • The Cybermen: Shittier props Lumbering robots with no sense of humor and a serious gold allergy.

In Recent News

After being off the air for sixteen years (excluding a very bad 1996 television movie), the Doctor returned gloriously to the BBC, thereby rejuvenating his fandom and giving them something to wank about. But of course we won't be discussing this "wank" thing here, because what you really wanted to know is what the Doctor's hat size is. And thus:

The Doctor's Hat Size in Each Incarnation

  • The First Doctor: 7 3/4
  • The Second Doctor: 6 3/8
  • The Third Doctor: 8 1/2
  • The Fourth Doctor: 7 1/4 (was 1 1/8 in Episode 218: "The Dalek Shrink Ray")
  • The Fifth Doctor: 6 5/8
  • The Sixth (Fourth) Doctor: 8 3/8
  • The Seventh Doctor: 9 (disputed; Episode 1103 suggests this may have been the size of his cock ring)
  • The Eighth Doctor: What, are you actually reading this?
  • The Ninth Doctor: 7 1/2
  • The Tenth Doctor: 6 7/8
  • The Eleventh Doctor: 7 3/4


Does the BBC want to make more money? Sure, we all do! But since famed 1980's producer John Satan-Turner was never quite smart enough to get that degree in TV/VCR repair, and new producer Russell T. Davies is just too busy living out his sexual fantasies via his TV shows to try, they decided to make spinoffs instead.

  • K9 & Company: Boasting what is quite possibly the most brilliant script to ever come out of the early 1980's, this spinoff tragically never made it past the pilot phase. Winner of 15 BAFTA awards, 52 Emmy awards, 19 Oscars, 27 Grammies and a Nobel Prize in Literature, it has often been compared to the works of Shakespeare, had anyone ever attempted to stage a version of Hamlet wherein the Great Dane is, in fact, a cheesy robot dog prop.
  • Torchwood: Just like Doctor Who, but with more buttsex. Or, conversely, just like gay porn, but with more pterodactyls. Either way, really.
  • The Sarah Jane Adventures: So many fanboys have jerked off to pictures of popular companion Sarah Jane over the years that she's been given not one, but two spinoffs to date. Sadly, however, the script quality has gone down slightly since she was Ophelia to K9's Hamlet, and she's now reduced to some kiddie show with Muppets in it or something and almost no sex at all, although the Doctor did leave her with a conveniently lipstick-shaped vibrator for those lonely, lonely nights between visits from her attending physician if you know what I mean nudge nudge wink wink say no more.


The vast majority of Doctor Who wanks are about the Doctor's cock. Whether he has one, what it looks like, and who should get to touch it.

  • Good fan vs. bad fan [3] - March 9, 2004
  • BBC vs. BBCi [4] - March 20, 2004
  • How dare you post spoilers behind a cut tag that I inevitably must click on because I have no will power?! [5] - March 9, 2005
  • How dare Eccleston do that to the fans! [6] - April 11, 2005
  • Doctor Who should be about LOVE not FEAR [7] - April 13, 2005
  • Shippers get out of my fandom! [8] - April 17, 2005
  • You're spending TOO MUCH TIME thinking about the sexuality of the Doctor[9] - May 4, 2005
  • The Gays are taking over [10] - May 31, 2005
  • Doctor Who is cool now. That's so lame! [11] - June 16, 2005
  • Rose's heritage [12] - January 8, 2006
  • "Charlotte Bronte would be disappointed" [13] - January 23, 2006
  • Doctor/Rose 4eva (with Doctor Who pairing bingo!) [14] - April 11, 2006
  • The Great Gay Agenda [15] - April 30, 2006
  • Asexuality wank [16] - May 7, 2006
  • Doctor/Doctor slash wank [17] - May 8, 2006
  • Young black women can't be named "Martha" (contains Spoilers)[18] - July 6, 2006
  • The new companion is a chavvy whore![19] - August 10, 2006
  • Crazy petitions for great justice![20] - August 17, 2006
  • Doctor Who fandom is run by a sekrit cabal, and we hates them, my precious![21] - September 5, 2006
  • New versus Old Doctor Who. Now with threats of graphic bodily harm![22] - December 18, 2006
  • Doctor/Rose: OTP or not? Again.[23] - January 20, 2007
  • The best way to stop a ship war? Insult the other side![24] - April 23, 2007
  • oberon1972 is more Old School than you. [25] - June 8, 2007
  • Paul McGann: Still not canon. [26] - June 14, 2007
  • Russell T Davies doesn't care about black people. [27] - July 4, 2007
  • David Tennant: Nancy-boy Gaytard. [28] - July 9, 2007
  • Martha fans: Like Ninjas, in a way (Or why the English language is oppressive to RosefenFans Of Rose) [29] - August 11, 2007
  • Yet another round of the Rose vs Martha deathmatch [30] - September 26, 2007
  • Russell T Davies, Shitwaffle-At-Large [31] - November 29, 2007
  • When Layouts Attack! With an extra-special bonus plague of mice at Wank Report [32] - December 13, 2007
  • MelindaKitty versus the Fascist Teaspoon Mods. [33] - January 23, 2008
  • Lawrence Miles on the snarling, predatory Scottishness of Steven Moffat [34] - June 1, 2008
  • You icon-thieving bastards! [35] - June 23, 2008

Countdown To Whomageddon:

  • How not to ask people to avoid character-bashing [36] - June 30, 2008
  • BNF anonymemes are never a good idea [37] - July 2, 2008
  • Race-wank. Again. Break out the recipes and boobie-trains![38] - July 3, 2008
  • A straight male Whovian, and other impossible things [39] - July 5, 2008

Aftershocks of Whomageddon:

  • Someone has clearly not read the Crystalwank article yet [40] - July 10, 2008
  • New Doctor, same old wank [41] - January 3, 2009


  • The Wikipedia Entry[42]
  • License Denied: Rumblings from the Doctor Who Underground[43] makes Doctor Who one of the few fandoms with wank preserved in book form.
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