Carey Roberts
August 3, 2008
At abuse shelters, girls just wanna have fun!
By Carey Roberts

Hey girls, want to get skanky? Well, sashay down to your local abuse shelter and get buzzed! No, you don't have to be a real victim of domestic violence. All you need is a convincing story.

Last year Hollie Cephas of Monticello, Ark. arrived on the doorstep of the Options shelter to recount her tale of woe: Her husband had beaten her to the point of having two miscarriages, he hid her insulin, and once he even called her a "fat pig."

The intake worker at Options had been taught to "always believe the victim," so of course she was beside herself. One employee was so moved that she loaned Mrs. Cephas $25,000 and let her use her credit card. That covered liquor purchases, a few shopping sprees at the local WalMart, burial expenses for her child, and more.

Then with a dramatic flourish, Cephas phoned the shelter to let them know she'd just had a kidney transplant and the life support was about to be turned off. She died a few days later.

It was all a hoax.

On February 11 police went to her home, where she was still very much alive, calmly residing with her allegedly battering husband. Cephas was hauled down to the Drew County Detention Center, where she was charged with theft by deception and a $250,000 bond placed on her head.

Here's the moral of the story: If you're going to accuse your husband of trying to knock you off, don't use a borrowed credit card after your own funeral.

Girls, there so many ways your interlude at the shelter can be relaxing, profitable, and fun.

First of all, realize you're entitled to three nutritious meals a day, personal toiletries, and so forth. Transportation services may also be available, "but the only excursions offered were to the local mall where a wealth of unaffordable merchandise stared them in the face," explains Nancy S., who spent two years shuttling among shelters in the San Francisco area.

Don't let your kids stop you from having the fun you deserve — all shelters offer free day care, sometimes courtesy of a local teenager who's working off her parole time. She'll have some interesting stories to regale the youngsters!

And don't worry if your kids are still black and blue from their latest visit to the wood shed — shelters won't turn you in for child abuse, at least if you're staying at Another Way in Lake City, Fla. As one former employee told me, "We always knew not to call the law unless you were prepared to be unemployed."

And if you want to toke a little weed, that's fine, too. After all, you've been battered and belittled, you deserve a little break.

If you're in the Houston area, be sure to go by the Bay Area Turning Point. That facility hosts dating parties where local men drop by to schmooze and relax. That's according to Bobbi Bacha, vice president of Blue Moon Investigations, who wonders whether such events are appropriate for abused women at such a vulnerable point in their lives.

And don't fret about that nine o'clock curfew. If you want to go behind the bushes with your new heart-throb or hang out with your old boyfriend — the one you said is your lifelong abuser — no problem, they'll reset the security alarm for you.

If lavender is your color of choice, you don't even need to venture outside. Everyone knows shelter staffs are replete with dykes cruising for a hook-up.

Got a man-problem? Shelters can solve that, as well.

At Bethany House in Falls Church, Va., "Women with almost no marital problems are declared abused and are coached by the staff to go to court and get a protective order against their husbands with the promise of long-term shelter, legal services, [and] counseling," reveals a former shelter volunteer.

And don't worry that your naughty antics might land you in the clink. The good ladies from the abuse shelter will bail you out. After all, you've obviously been suffering from Battered Woman's Syndrome.

Believe it or not, the best is yet to come!

Once you check out of the shelter, you now have the gold-plated Keys to the Kingdom. That's because you can now lay claim to life-long status as a victim, a battered woman. You're a certified survivor.

Want to skirt the return-to-work requirements under TANF? No hassle. Need to re-up your Section 8 housing? You're covered. Are you an illegal immigrant? Bienvenidos, amiga!

There's just one little hitch. Legions of other women have figured out how to work the system, so many shelters now have a long waiting list.

The solution, of course, is to come up with a better story.

© Carey Roberts

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Carey Roberts

Carey Roberts is an analyst and commentator on political correctness. His best-known work was an exposé on Marxism and radical feminism... (more)


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