A Bipolar Journey

19 November 2011

Relationships are complicated.  Are they really, or do we make them complicated?  Why is it that someone with bipolar disorder battles to make a relationship work?  Are we really THAT difficult to cope with?  Or do we try too hard?

17 November 2011

The sunflower fairy is lost on the other side of the qwerty forest.  This time it's for good.

17 November 2011

"How old are you?", the dragon-like creature asked the sunflower fairy.  The sunflower fairy looked at the dragon-like creature and smiled.  It depends how you look at it.  My chronologic age is far higher than my real age."

"What is the difference?"

"A lifetime's sorrow," the sunflower fairy replied.  The dragon-like creature sighed and put his one wing over the fairy.

16 November 2011

I think Sonneblom has finally lost her mind.  New medication.  Getting off the 'old' ones.  My world is falling apart.  I hear voices nobody else seems to hear.  Quite frankly, I don't care anymore.  I've had enough of this silly fight.

07 November 2011

I am a rich girl.  Not money-rich.  But rich because I have the bestest best ouboet in the whole wide world.  Make no mistake:  my boeta is no saint. He doesn't sit on a pedestal (not even a small one) and he comes fully equipped with his own heartbreaks and troubles.  But that's what makes him human.  My ouboet is a fighter, a survivor like me.

I tell him about my happy times and sad times.  He doesn't freak out when I say to him I want to slit my wrists or overdose on meds.  He doesn't tell me that I'm not to SAY THOSE WORDS EVER.  We talk about the what and the why and the point of doing such things.  It does wonders if someone just listens to you.  And really care.

Sometimes, when I'm so mixed up in my own thoughts and wrapped up in my world of no hope, my boeta is the one I reach out to.  I never have to say much.  A few words is enough.  He understands my metaphors and the Qwerty Forest and my indirect way of asking for help.  And in his own unique way, calling a spade a spade, he'll take my hand and help me along.

In the Qwerty Forest, the sunflower fairy was off on her own mission.  Where was she going?  She had no idea.  But she wasn't worried.  She knew the forest like the palm of her hand. And somewhere, a bit behind her, hiding in the shadows of the Alphabet trees, was a gnome.  She was unaware of him and it was best like that.  He meant her no harm.  He watched over her.  Silently.

05 November 2011

Don't annoy the bipolar.  EVER.  I'm pretty hard-headed and stubborn as it is.  Annoy me and you have a problem.  I don't throw tantrums or shout and scream and get rude. That takes waaaaaay too much energy.  I simply go in to a no-nonsense mode.  It gets people in to action and the problem sorted.  A friend once told me that I scare people when I'm in that mode.  I conduct myself in a very calm manner, but the message is clear:  sort your mess out.  I'm not going away before it's done. 

Yesterday evening I went to the movies with a friend.  Yay!  Nowadays you have all sorts of movie cards with all sorts of benefits.  Plus you can use store cards too.  When I wanted to pay for our tickets, I gave the movie benefit card.  The total for two tickets:  R68.  Of course I had to object.  Two weeks back we paid R44 for two tickets.  Same card. Rubbish.  I asked about using the store card.  "Then it'll be R55," a second cashier explained.  So I used the store card and decided just there and then that this whole set-up is UTTERLY unacceptable.  If I didn't ASKED about the different cards, nobody whould've said a word.  This is not explained on a website, or displayed at the ticket box at the movies.  How many people walk in to that trap and don't even know it?

So last night I wrote a letter of complaint and mailed it off.  Bottom line:  some fights you fight and some fights you just leave.  This fight I consider worth fighting.  Don't let it get ugly or out of hand.  Keep your dignity. And know when to back off.

01 November 2011

Thanks for all the support.  I really appreciate it.  The bad day decided to stay.  It will eventually get tired of me and leave again.  In the meantime I've had some good news.  I've decided to do work for myself - do bits of everything, basically.  Today I've had a phonecall and received my first assignment.  Two days, but the pay is good.  The start-up of a new business is always slow, but once you get going, you're fine.  So, tomorrow I'll do what I've been doing so many times before:  put my happy face on, ignore my bad day visitor flat out and get the job done. 

29 October 2011

I am having SUCH A BAD DAY!!!!

Only got up to eat breakfast and feed the pets.  Then I crawled back in to bed.

I've slept.

I've had nightmares.

I woke up just before lunch time.

I've been up and about since lunch. 

I've been tough on myself.

I got a pannic attack for my effort

This day must just blow over!!!!!

25 October 2011

You don't have to tell me that Bipolar Disorder is a bitch.  I know about mood swings and medications and in general how this illness makes you feel.  I know I will have days of complete down time.  Days when I'm too tired to lift my hand.  Or days I just want to cry.  Don't ask me how, but I manage to go to work, no matter what.  The Artist says my inner parent is very strong:  you WILL do that.  It is not taking no for an answer, not even from me.  Okay...Getting side tracked.

What's the deal with this nasty bipolar bitch?  It's actually rather simple:  Keep fighting, no matter what.  Don't let Bipolar Disorder rule your life.  Yes, it is a part of your life, but it does not LIVE YOUR LIFE for your.  If you are going to stay in bed each day you're not feeling well, you're giong to be in bed every day.  It's hard to be on your feet and be at work and live a life when you're not feeling well.  Ask me, I know.  But I'm not going to let an illness steal my life from me. 

I came across this photo-saying the other day and thought I would like to share it with you.  It is SO true.

http://lews-info.blogspot.com/2008/12/attitudes-of-life.html

23 October 2011

It's strange how people seek me out to talk to. At school, I was the one who often had to listen to the boyfriend-trouble stories the girls had to tell.  At a previous company, I was the one who often sat with someone, made tea or coffee, dished out tissues and just listened.  Now it's the same thing.  "I can talk to you, you'll understand."  Is it because I have bipolar disorder?  I think so. 

I like helping people.  I must be doing something right, because the ones I help, keep on coming back. 

Sonneblom cannot help herself, but she can help others.  :-)