Marriage is nonsexual. What can I do?

SpawnQuixote · 3 days

You sir have become a wallet. Sucker.

Wish I could help but she has the full force of the US, State and Local governments to back up her decision to use you. It's going to be a long 18-25 years for you.

aetheralloy · 3 days

Honestly?

Work on the relationships with your friends, especially single ones.

You see, when your marriage finally does fail - and it will because you aren't the first person by a longshot this has happened to - then after the divorce you won't really be in the happiest of places. You'll need that support network of friends. She'll want you isolated. She'll want all your money. She'll want you to be miserable, because she'll be too.

So make sure your friendships are strong. You'll need them.

Besides, if you show you are capable of being happy and social without her help - you become more attractive to her anyway.

wavevector · 3 days

Read this:

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011

Don't have another child with her whatever you do. Whether you want it or not, your marriage is likely to end, and supporting one kid will be bad enough.

ProWomanAntiFeminist · 3 days

Divorce her. Start talking to lawyers TODAY.

It is only going to go downhill from here. And I would not be surprised if she was making plans to divorce you.

Its a choice of biting the bullet now, or being miserable for years and then biting the bullet.

I assure you, she would not stay married to you if you stopped going to work immediately after marriage.

Also, stop trying to have sex with her. The minute she feels you pulling away she might suddenly turn into a nympho porn star to get you to stay, or to get pregnant again. Don't ever have sex with her again.

R00ster7431 · 3 days

Divorce her. DON'T CHEAT. If you get caught cheating it will look worse for you if she catches you and divorces you.

Dude0987 · 3 days

Dude, it's over.

Not only that, the sooner your out the better for your wallet.

If I were you I would never have sex with her again for risk of an anchor baby and take hold of your income for 18 years.

GET OUT RIGHT NOW BEFORE SHE SCREWS YOU UP, that is the message she is sending, IMO.

whiteguycash · 3 days

porn and skyrim. Emotional and financial lockout. make her realize that if she is not going to reciprocate the marriage, she won't receive the benefits of one in any regard.

robobreasts · 3 days

You married a fundamentally selfish person. That sucks. I did the same thing. That's the bottom line, she is fine with hurting you continually as long as she gets what she wants.

Or, if she is herself unhappy, she is fine with being perpetually unhappy and isn't motivated to change anything. That sucks too. Perhaps she suffers from depression.

Ultimately you're fucked, as you cannot make her change, and it sounds clear she doesn't want to.

If you think you can live with her, without sex, and without fighting, then fine. If you are going to fight with her all the time, you might as well move out.

I stayed with my wife because I can live with her (even though I hate her now) without fighting at all. I am resigned to unhappiness for now, until my kids grow up. I know the hivemind thinks divorce is always better for the kids, but reddit doesn't know what the fuck it is talking about a lot, so make your own decision. My kids are definitely better off with me sticking around.

But boy, once they are grown, I am gone.

Seriously though, try to work it out with her, if she refuses, then straight up tell her that she has lost your respect and is on the road to losing your love as well, you cannot be close to her when she doesn't care about you.

If she doesn't change, start living your own life as a quasi-single dude, take care of your kids, play video games, fill up the void left by your wife with other things.

She's fine with not having sex as long as she gets whatever else she wants from you... if you take that away, it'll either motivate her to realize she is losing you, or else she'll be pissed off that you withdrew (even though it is her fault) and possibly leave you.

As a man in 2011, you can't stop her and you are totally fucked if that happens... but I don't see a lot of options for you.

Good luck. Me, I have finally reached equilibrium, I am not happy but it's the best I can do now, I am just counting down 11 more years til my kids are grown and then I can start trying to have a life for myself again.

MikeFromBC · 3 days

Divorce.

And don't feel bad about it to. Sexuality is a huge part of most peoples identity. I wouldn't spend another minute trying to convince her either. Make an appointment with the lawyer today.

Sarstan · 3 days

You have to look at it in what options you have:
1.) Ask for sex. You've done this. It's humiliating and degrading to beg and ultimately you're likely to not only get nothing out of it, but become alienated further and probably piss her off.

2.) Outside source. It'll keep you a little more satisfied, however if you can't toss your morals aside, it'll eat you alive. Similarly, if you're prone to paranoia, you'll give yourself away. Once found out (or at the least, suspected), you're practically going to be hung when the divorce papers come.
3.) Divorce. Your best bet, honestly. Shit will hit the fan. Your child will suffer (if they don't already) and you'll be cast as the bad guy in everything. Do yourself a favor and if you're seeking this avenue, keep a journal and try to discuss the situation with your wife, documenting what was said. That way you MIGHT not get completely fucked since you'll have a good reason for the divorce.

Just remember, denial of sex is a breach of the marriage contract and, to some level, is considered abuse.

cinamongirl · 3 days

No offense, but I just can't see a conversation about "You don't have sex with me enough." helping this situation. It frames sex as a chore on her part that you are entitled to, which isn't sexy. She can't just flip a light switch and want to have sex with you.

If you want to work on your marriage, perhaps you could check out "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman and Nan Silver. The research in the book suggests that couples therapy is ineffective, and sets forth a set of exercises based on research to help make marriage successful. It's a quick read, and might be worth a shot for a few weeks. Divorce takes longer than that anyways.

Octagonecologyst · 3 days

Divorce her, pay alimony for the rest of your life, then ponder the possibility of suicide.

Men, don't ever marry. Just don't.

LAMFF · 3 days

DIVORCE HER!

ThePigman · 3 days

Don't get married. Whoops, too late. Get a divorce and don't get married again.

Il128 · 3 days

She's probably having an affair... Seriously, fear a pregnancy. Fear it.

Get a divorce before there are more children.

carchamp1 · 2 days

I have a question for you. Does she work?

stitchyish · 3 days

Sex therapy?

I don't mean to offend you, but are you obese/hairy/smelly or is there any other possible explanation for why your wife would be disgusted by you?

jmanon · 3 days

discreet affairs.

womblefish · 3 days

I'm no great fan of game, but the guys in r/seduction might be able to give you some advice about "married game".

Try cross posting.

(If you're unfamiliar with "game", basically its about changing your behaviour in specific ways to make your wife feel less confident about herself, and more attracted to you. As others have said, the law gives your wife all the power in your marriage, game gives you a chance to take some of it back.)

iamwhoyouthink · 3 days

Is there any intimacy in the relationship at all? I know, as a girl, it can be hard to like the idea of sex if there is no intimacy. If she is the one pushing you away then obviously there is something wrong that goes much deeper than sex. Whatever you do, do not cheat on her. This is definitely give her a reason for you to be the bad guy. I know it might be hard to accept, but if she isn't giving anything to you emotionally or physically, then your marriage is probably over.

hardwarequestions · 3 days

First, get a vasectomy. Don't let her stop you.

Second. Talk to a therapist/psychologist and get on record that she has turned into a sexless bitch and you are now considering leaving her.

Third, cheat on her or leave her.

rantgrrl · 3 days

Last night she went as far as to tell me that she now finds the entire idea disgusting.

Why? Is she over-stimulated by too much physical interaction with your kid?

brisingre · 3 days

Try a little more to talk to her about it, don't jump to divorce, but accept that this will probably come to that, and start thinking about divorce.

Aurini · 2 days

Monogomay means sex with ONE person... not sex with nobody. http://dalrock.wordpress.com/

guizzy · 2 days

When you say you've talked with her about this, what does this mean? Did you tell her exactly how you feel about it? That this is not sustainable for you? Asked her if there's anything you can do to rekindle your relationship, even if she thinks it might be hurtful for you to hear?

I think what you need to do is be very direct with her: she needs to know that it is something that you both need to solve together, that it is an issue in your couple and that it will not just go away if she ignores it.

mcmn · 2 days

Here is what you need to do: (not a complete list, but it might help) * Accept the fact that some relationships don’t work. * Accept the fact that she might be cheating on you (I know she’s wonderful and all but don’t think it doesn’t happen) * Do everything with the idea of maximizing your position – no fighting, arguing, nothing ever physical or emotional which could be construed as abuse. * Encourage her to get a job – Do whatever it takes to make this happen. * Encourage her to go back to school (this is optional and very well may not be feasible or she might be educated enough to get a decent job to support herself after the divorce.) * Since your marriage has been relatively brief the court may deem alimony inappropriate and if she has worked in the last five years this also works in your favor. * Be active and involved with her and your child. Make her think everything is cool and calm. * Encourage her to go out with friends. So you can take care of your child alone. * Establish and strengthen the child-parent bond by doing things with your child separate from her. * Get a PO box for private mail * Open up a separate bank account – deposit extra or misc money in this account and no paper statements (be careful this might be a red flag for her) * Start thinking about alternate living arrangements – try to stay within a 3 to 5 mile radius of your child. * Do all of this for no more than 12 to 18 months and if nothing changes you need to take the initiative and file for divorce. Be prepared not to go back to the marital home and make sure the temporary child custody orders and/or arrangements are clear and concise. After this do not give in and take her back no matter what she might promise. * Speak with a local attorney to get real information about what to do in your specific situation. * Go for joint (50/50) child custody – with your record of active parent-child interaction and close proximity this might not be as difficult as some make it out to be.

chavelah · 3 days

"Last night she went as far as to tell me that she now finds the entire idea disgusting."

Is she open to you having an affair?

Serious question. If I wanted to stay married but was revolted by the idea of sex, I would ENCOURAGE my husband to get laid elsewhere.

FlagonOfMead · 3 days

Please don't listen to the people saying to jump to divorce. If you actually care about her, I'm not sure it sounds like you do but then again your wording could just be leaving that out, well, sex is only part of a marriage.

The next time she goes to the gynecologist, would she let you come with her? Can you speak with the doctor privately about it beforehand, stating you think she might have a hormone imbalance?

Can you suggest couples therapy?

If you open up to her and tell her your feelings, that you care about her and want the marriage to succeed but hearing that was very hurtful for you and how could she expect you to be celibate for the rest of your life... if she loves you, wouldn't she listen?

CutAndLovingIt · 3 days

This is the wrong place to be posting this question. The men here are going to have a skeptical viewpoint about your wife and jump to conclusions like "Divorce her!" and "She's cheating!" and "She's using you as a wallet!"

If your wife is not having sex with you there is obviously some kind of issue. I don't know what you mean by "trying to talk to her about it" but whatever you mean, you're doing it wrong. Women are a very communicative species. They love talking about it, whatever it may be.

Like I said, there is some issue that is preventing her from having sex with you. Sure, she could be cheating, but more likely it is something else. Most likely, it is emotional.

I had this same problem with my wife and it took years for me to iron out because I had no idea what I was doing. Finally I managed to figure out how to communicate to her, in a safe way, how sex was important to not only me, but our relationship as a whole. While she didn't value sex at the time, she did value our relationship, no matter how strained it had gotten on my end due to lack of sex.

The easiest thing to do in order to get to the bottom of this would be to convince her to go to a sex therapist with you. Short of doing that, communicate with her, under any circumstances. Make sure she understands how and why sex is important to the relationship, both physically and emotionally.

Not all women are jerks as a lot of people here like to make them out to be. They are all emotional, however. Reach out to her emotionally and you'll figure things out.

hevo4ever-reddit · 3 days

I'm very sorry to tell you that your wife is doing the guy next door.

1 - Investigate her to get proofs 2 - Get a Lawyer 3 - Divorce 4 - Hit the Gym 5 - Learn about the game so you dont make another mistake 6 - Become the man you should be

CharlieTango · 3 days

How about talking to her and actually finding out what you can do to make it better for both of you

wolfie1010 · 3 days

Have you considered that maybe she was abused as a child? http://www.marriagemissions.com/when-childhood-sexual-abuse-affects-marriage-intimacy/

lesath · 2 days

Unfortunately, it is illegal to force your wife to have sex with you. If we lived in a better world, she would have to uphold her end of the marriage contract. That means sex. Since it is illegal to "rape" your spouse, Taken in Hand might help you revitalize your marriage.

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