Shockaholic

By • Nov 3rd, 2011 • Category: Lead Story, News

In her award-winning one-woman Broadway show and New York Times bestselling memoir,Wishful Drinking, actress, screenwriter, and novelist Carrie Fisher laid bare the real-life adventures and misadventures of a true Hollywood princess—herself. Daughter of one of Tinseltown’s most scandalous divorces, co-star of the iconic Star Wars films, and no stranger to rehab, Carrie has long been hilariously blunt about the intimate, and often dark details of her rarified life. She also has been bravely public about her bi-polar disorder, a condition for which she has recently undergone electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) with marked success.

But the treatments—a modern version of the fabled “shock treatments” featured so dramatically in such movies as One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and The Snake Pit—have a singular side effect: memory loss. So before all of Carrie’s juicy memories are wiped from her brain, she decided she had better get them down on paper—for her own sake, as well as ours. Her new book, SHOCKAHOLIC (Simon & Schuster; November 1, 2011) is the result—another laugh-out-loud funny, and surprisingly poignant memoir of a singular life.

“Of course my memory loss could as easily be caused by my drug intake over the decades that began with my late teens, or by aging, as by electroconvulsive therapy (or a combination of all three—as I’m fond of saying, LSD, AGE, & ECT),” Carrie writes. “What I do know, though, is that my memory is a lot worse since the treatments. But, hey, it could just be that I’m remembering this whole thing wrong. Ultimately, though, who gives a shit why I can’t remember what I can’t remember when I feel so much better, right? I mean, it’s not as if I’ve been putting my purse in the refrigerator or anything. I mainly just forget people’s names, some of whom I’ve known most of my life. But this was something I was always capable of doing anyway, only now it’s worse.”

So Carrie has recorded for posterity some memories of the more, er, colorful relationships and encounters of her storied years. There is, for example, the time she found herself on a double date with Senator Ted Kennedy (he wasn’t her date) and ended up in an embarrassing sparring match with the great legislator and legendary playboy. There is friend and neighbor Michael Jackson, whose Peter Pan peculiarities Carrie believes she understood from her own child-of-show-business perspective. For most of her life, Carrie barely knew her sort-of-stepmother Elizabeth Taylor (see above-referenced scandalous divorce), but they reached a unique rapprochement when Hollywood’s legendary beauty pushed Carrie into the swimming pool during Easter brunch.

Of her stepfather Harry Karl, the shoe tycoon and compulsive gambler who burned through not only his own considerable fortune, but Carrie’s mother’s as well, Carrie writes, “If my memories are indeed destined to fade, then let the ones herein contained be among the first to go.” He was a man who eschewed pajama bottoms and “communicated in Morse code from his ass.” And then there is Carrie’s real dad—Eddie Fisher—the source of her most complicated and heartfelt memories. A man she saw very little of while growing up, Fisher became a central part of her life in his last years—or, more specifically, Carrie became a central part of his “to the point that sometimes he even called me Mommy,” supervising his care during his final descent. Her memories of this time, will make readers both laugh and cry as only Carrie Fisher can.

As with all of Carrie Fisher’s writing—from such best-selling novels as Surrender the Pink and Postcards from Edge (as well as the Meryl Streep-Shirley MacLaine film for which she wrote the screenplay) to Wishful DrinkingSHOCKAHOLIC is sharp-witted, honest, and wryly observed. But it shows a new side of Carrie Fisher, too—a tenderness and vulnerability that she has often kept hidden beneath her singular wit.

 

 


Next to Nowhere…

By • Jul 19th, 2011 • Category: News

Hail Hail from just east of Hell- North of next to nowhere and deep within the confines of all the shit I have to do in the next few weeks!

I have to be this ever decreasing in size-wize ass whose done with her book by yesterday- pictures and rewrites abound.

Boohoo poor moi in Toronto doing my show and keeping apace with my sprint of a schedule (pronounced the British way!) Smoking my e-cigarettes in the Canadian sunshine as I put pen to paper to thank all of you for noticing my Emmy nomination nod.

I’ve asked my daughter to call me “nommy” until the ceremonies. I don’t think she minds whether I win or not the fact that I’m being considered for anything in the same category as Lady GaGa is win enough for her.

I would like to close with a poem I wrote at 19- the age (my daughter) Billie turned the day before yesterday-

“Though life is far from a bed of roses

Thru which one lethargically loiters

It nevertheless is more savory

Than a bed comprised of goiters….”

And remember what I always like to say when I remember to say something “there’s no room for demons when you’re self possessed.”

Thank you again for all your web support (webort) Happy Birthday to Billie!

And more later from the ever decreasing Carnack Von Fishstein- (whose tits are officially almost ONE FOOT smaller since Thanksgiving) A foot of female flesh- where did it go? Thanks JC. If you find it- send it to P.O. Box- what the fuck deep in the heart of former hippos.

 


Own a piece of history!!!

By • Jun 4th, 2011 • Category: News

Debbie Reynolds in "Tammy"

Own a piece of history!!!

The power of Christ—-& Tammy compels you!

If you don’t go u will regret it all my mothers life…..now if you can live with a burden like that after everything she’s done for you & your parents & grandparents…….

Well, I have no clue how you learn how to deal with your guilt & her pain—–both arthritic & the searing flashes of rickets that arrived exactly at the same time that she faced her dream of her museum was lost forever.

Come see the clothes, hang with the posters, warm my mothers heart. Wear Chaplins hat, buy Harpo’s & blow me in the nicest possible way.

For more information about the auction click here: Hollywood Motion Picutre History Museum or  Debbie Reynolds Auction

xox,

CFF

@CarrieFFisher

@DebbieReynolds1

 


In Honore of de Balzac

By • May 21st, 2011 • Category: News

My favorite word is “ball-sack.” I like it so much,

and not because they’re pretty or smooth to the touch,

though maybe you can find some that actually are.

My guess is that most look sad and bizarre-

There is also a dude who writes famous shit,

he’s got a great white way with words,

not  some dope illiterate

His stuff gets an “A” on the test of time,

homey’s the real deal, line for line!

His shit’s unadulterated & incroyable.

Like that scribe that scribbled “Les Miserable”

Honore de Balzac that’s this dog’s name,

& that bad-ass tag’s not his only claim to fame.

But- it’s the literate shit that keeps me alert-

like a bee or not to bee sting or pubic hair shirt…

ball-sacks are so funny while they slap against your thigh,

It’s the main reason for being a guy!

They swing to the left, they swing to the right,

while the dick makes merry, the scrotum hangs tight!

Balls wait like a tiny entourage-  they’re the cock’s guest house, or Sad Jim’s garage!

Those big man jigglies, the dick’s unsalted nuts,

slappin’ gainst thighs, bumpin on butts!

You can stay up top with spooge shining in your hair,

While balls hang out all loyal- them baby’s don’t care-

If you gotta ball sack, you gotta treat it right.

Your dick can go limp, your anus shut tight.

If I had a ball sack,- that would be the real shit-

better one sad sack, than two saggy ass tits!

So grab your testes & repeat after me,

“Look what I found when I pulled off my jeans!”

You can flick ‘em,

get friends to lick ‘em,

cup ‘em in your palm for all to see-

leave your jockstraps home!

free ballin’s the way to be!

When I was just a young kid like 8 or 9,

this kid in my school asked me one time-

“Do the balls go in or just wait outside?”

Fuck if I knew— my sex egg was unfried.

Honore de Balzac Oh mon dieu!

He’s got the back of you cock, monsieur!

 

xxxo CFF

 

ps. this is my rap song for the day of rapture-

pss. Happy post Rapture

Or as Proust might say, (now that Rapture’s past)

Care for your Protuberances, so the thing will last!

 


My JC is #1

By • May 11th, 2011 • Category: News

See? What did I tell you?!

I wasn’t kidding.

Jenny Craig is the grooviest diet-

(grooviest = effective)

on the whatever -market (but not food market) today.

But don’t take my word for it- its been announced on people’s T.V sets & rolled out in print all over this great nation of ours.

Go figure- but a good figure ( a lot better any weigh)

XO-CFF

 

@carrieffisher @JennyCraig @peoplemag

http://news.consumerreports.org/health/2011/05/jenny-craig-tops-cr-diet-ratingsbut-isnt-necessarily-best-for-all.html


Wishful Shrinking #6

By • Mar 22nd, 2011 • Category: News

2/10/11-2/28/11

Guess who lost some more pounds!… Go on- guess I’ll weight here. Okay sorry about the verbal slap shtick. Normally I’m not so verbally clumsy- its only because I’m thinner and everyone knows- the thinner you are- the more diminished your vocabulary, the looser your clothes!! The good news is no one gives a shiz about how well you say what you say, they’re so just trying to figure out if they can believe their eyes- could this possibly be the chick that only just last month looked like a Beverly Hills Bungalow but now-can it be??! Looks like one day- maybe not too far in the distant future- she could look less like a bungalow and more like- dare I say it??? A clothes pin?!

You may not believe this but those folks at Jenny Craig took more than one whole inch off my shall we say breasts? Or funbags? You pick. Either way, my chest- there’s less treasure in it!?! Not that I consider what I carry around between my arms treasureable. I would do- maybe not anything- but a hellava lot to make less of the more- I can barely find a bra big enough to harness that what fiendish horror that lurks beneath my chin. With the Craig meister- one day soon I might be able to fall on my face! No- not the fat face that I’m hiding behind now- No! The face I’m going to have someday soon- the one with two cheekbones and one chin, (no weighting) I have this friend staying with me- she’s here from England- last night we had dinner together & she had the J.C. meatloaf & still doesn’t believe that it wasn’t jammed packed with calories. I swear. We should’ve filmed it. Instead of filming people that know they’re promoting something you film them inadvertently being amazed at how fatteningly good something unfattening can taste. How about that as a billboard?

“You’ll be amazed at how fatteningly good something this nonfattening can taste!” Jenny Craig!

It turns your empty mouth into a discothèque (or however you spell it). How about… Jenny Craig- two cheekbones, one chin- no weighting.

Two hundred calories walk into a mouth- the first hundred say to the second hundred- “last ones to the thighs- wins in the Jenny Craig campaign to loosing weight”- okay, they can’t all be gems. In fact, very few could be gems. Think of episodes like that as a low diet of wit- in this case, less is not more- less is less- less up to a point.

Kathy came over on Monday & I stood on the sale & she stood next to me & the little dark numbers flashed beneath our eyes. Both of us screamed & clutched each other jumping up & down like teenagers. I had lost 25pounds! Let the ticker tape parade prepare to begin.( Just make sure that the tape is a measuring tape that firsts measures my gradually diminishing headlights- which are anything but light) A thin body waits somewhere for me in the future- lithe & long-ish One day that low fat lady will be me.

There will be less of me to love- people (judgmental people) will look at me & think “what’s not to like?!”


Wishful Shrinking #5

By • Mar 22nd, 2011 • Category: News

1/26/11–2/9/2011

Okay, I just left the FREEZING planet of Chicago & am headed to San Diego with my co-Oprah interviewee Debbie Reynolds & our respective & respectable minders, Garret(me) & Jenny (mom)

You’d think being as over weight as I am would’ve protected me more from below zero weather, but sadly that turned out to be untrue. You’d also think having this much flesh would be good for something, but noooooo.

It’s bad for everything- health, appearance, fitting into stylish clothes- I’m sure if I gave it more thought I could give you bout 70 thousand more reasons for me to be on Jenny Craig-my very own J.C savior in my fight against FAT. When I last looked I’d lost up to 17lbs, which is great, but I still have a WEIGHS to go!

WE filmed the Oprah show the other day- which I’ve never done & I SANG with my mom- which I’ve never done either! Tragically though, singing in public is not aerobic. So- low cal is what I also talked about on Oprah- how I’m doing on my Jenny Journey.

And the news is- I’m doing pretty good! I haven’t been able to weigh myself- (facing the dreaded numbers on the scale) because the scale in my hotel room was broken- either that, or I broke it- & it’ll be fine for the next, slimmer hotel guest.

But I kept hunger at bay by eating my favorite food- the popcorn & cookies- where would I be without Jenny Craig?!! Also, the frosted Oh’s make for a great breakfast, that with some fresh papaya. Even though they have a great variety of delicious Jenny food, I’m kind of a creature of habit (formerly a creature of BAD habit) I’m still in to the tuna & chicken salads for lunch and I also love having fruit and vegetables as a snack -Check out the “Free Foods” list. Especially the papaya!

I love that s&%t!!!

I also love broccoli- which is one of the many vegetables I use to volumize my meals (that’s what they call it right?? Volumizing??)

Even though the meals aren’t huge, I still feel like I’m eating more than enough. Portion control!!!

Go to your fat battle stations!!! Fattle Stations!

I’ve also been really consistent with maintaining regular exercise. I pretty much use the elliptical every day- except for one free floating lazy day- I like to read while I exercise on the elliptical – cause you still get an aerobic work out without bouncing around jogging style. So I stay on the machine anywhere from 45minutes to 52 ( I have a thing about numbers-everything has to add up to 3,7 or 9- don’t ask.(oh yeah, you didn’t)

I’m gonna look into yoga & Pilates when I get home. Not to do both- I know I like Pilates- you get to lay down a lot!! I’ve avoided yoga cause I thought it was too new agey (age-y) ohmmmmm- Hare Krishna like- but now I figure what the hell. So many people are getting great results from it. Who knows? Maybe it’ll have a calming effect too- I’ve always doubted it-  being manic at least half the time. Whatever, I’ll let you know how it goes.

When I get back I’m having dinner with my pal Penny. She’s on Jenny too- because of me!! We could have an online Jenny supper club, everyone having their favorite meal & trading tips on trimming. Alright, I feel like a real dork now- not a total dork- just a real one. But at least I’m a thinning real dork.

I hadn’t realized just how many (thousands of) pounds I’d actually packed on, so 17 pounds- while a miraculous amount- is still not even half way to my ultimate goal, but close. And I don’t really feel like I’m struggling at all. And if I do I can always call or text Kathy, my Jenny Craig consultant & she’ll cheer me on. It’s difficult to do this alone- Jenny Craig is great because it offers the assistance to those that join. I don’t wanna call it dieting because really what I’m doing is changing how I eat. So, when I make this change, she’s my source of support. Like when I saw my giant fat face on the Oprah show…. So I called Kathy after the show and she talked me down from my freaking out about looking that fat in front of millions of humans while sitting near pictures of me in a metal bikini! Could anything be more discouraging?!! But now I’m more determined than ever. So I’m hoping to have my metal bikini body back by summer.

MBBBS or MB4s!

Not that I’ll wear the asinine thing. I’ll just be able to. It’ll be an option, instead of completely out of the question! I’m not sure if my daughter would ever speak to me again- she has what was my great body, by the way. I think she snuck xtra sugar into my food so I would be this middle-aged frump & she could be slave Leia without the slaving.

How humiliating is it that I’ve used all these Star Wars references. Oh well. I figure (fat figure) some of you like it & the rest of you can just judge me. But hey- judge me all you want- just join me & have a very Jenny Just Say No way to over weight day!

XOXO

Carrie

@CarrieFFisher

@jennycraig


Wishful Shrinking #4

By • Feb 15th, 2011 • Category: News

You know what would be great? I lose so many things from being absent minded- glasses, keys, cell phones, credit cards- why can’t I lose weight the same way?!!?

Oh my God- look at me!

Where’s that 30 pounds I’m always lugging around??? I must’ve misplaced it somehow! What could I possibly have done with it- where could it conceivably have gone!??! Would you do me a favor? PLEASE!!?!!

For God’s sake I’m begging you DON”T help me find it, okay? Give me a chance- I know I can learn to live with out it!

If only it were possible to lose weight by being absent minded instead of actually having to use discipline and self-control. If bad memory was all it took to lose weight I’d be the thinnest creature on three continents, but nooooooo- it takes commitment & a good battle plan. And along with a good battle plan you need a reliable co general and for that I use General Jenny Craig.

I know, I know- I sound like a geek- but the good news is I’m starting to look less & less like one. Well… less & less fat anyway. I’ve lost close to 4lbs since we last spoke/wrote/yodeled-which brings my total loss so far to close to 12 pounds. Which is almost 2 pounds more than George Arlene Lucas asked me to lose to fit into a quasi virginal flowing white dress a lifetime ago in a galaxy far, far away. He did have a point though. I weighed a whopping 105 pounds at the time.

My consultant Kathy tells me that I’ve had what is referred to as my “magic moment” but I don’t think that I’m necessarily “a magic moment” type- I’m more along the lines of a break through gal- I mean, when it comes to my otherwise enemy SCALE! What I’ve ultimately decided is that by knowing my weight gives me the power and/or awareness to actually do something about it. As opposed to dreading the whole thing & wishing I had a side arm handy. So, instead of having to have Kathy turn on the scale & leading me to step up on it with my eyes squeezed shut like a chubby coward, I can now proudly (practically) step right up to my dream scale & do my version of hopping on. (not that I’m much of a hopper- Dennis or otherwise)

The thing that (my consultant) Kathy actually shared with me though is that the number on the scale doesn’t make me good or bad- its just data that we can use to evaluate what and how we’re doing so we can make adjustments accordingly to ultimately get the results that we desire… See?!!

Now you’re picking up what I’m putting down, no?

Here’s the other thing- I’ve also been wearing my Metabolic Max Armband (M2A)- & I have to say that I really don’t mind it at all!

I mean, as armbands go- well… I wouldn’t even begin to know how to finish that sentence in a way that could inspire you.

But I can tell you one thing- a lot of my friends have noticed I’ve lost weight. Seriously I mean, unless they’re lying as per usual-which I don’t think is true because even I have noticed the difference. And I am (officially) my own worst enemy. The thing I’ve found that’s different with this program is that its not so much a diet as a life style change- the difference being one is finite & the other is an on going change of habit.

So the other day I’m finishing dinner & I have to say I’m extremely pleased with myself as far as the portion of food I ate goes. That was when I laid my eyes what for me had always been the bane of my­­_­­­­____ or one of the many high caloric banes anyway- I saw the most scrumptious chocolate soufflés imaginable heading my way. To express to you just how much this particular desert means to me- one of the first things I learned to cook when I took cooking lessons was- yup- that’s it- chocolate soufflé! And as if that wasn’t enough- I moved onto cheese soufflé- & then, the oh so complicated pumpkin soufflé- where ingredients have their very own receipts & ingredients. Now if that doesn’t demonstrate/ illustrate my commitment to this food group- I don’t know what does.

So-

This chocolate soufflé & I had a kind of visual stand off for a moment or two- but I’m proud to report that I was the one who won out in the end. This stand off included me having one memorable bite & then savoring it for the remainder of the evening. Because see ultimately its not about deprivation- it’s about a kind of balance. I mean the things that Jenny Craig actually gives you some really amazingly great tasting desserts to eat on their program. Including the toffee cookies- which are my absolute favorite & their chocolate walnut brownies which- well, there are no words- & not only that- there are even fewer calories!

So all that having been said- here I am over 15 pounds lighter & I swear it was just a month ago when I thought losing 10 pounds would be an absolute miracle- well, as it turns out, miracles happen. So then if 10 pounds is a miracle- what do I think 30 pounds will be?!! Well… lets wait & see. There are 2 kinds of weight- one that leads to the other & the other that will (hopefully) continue to pour off me.

Yet, another example of less being more & more being the most weight you could imagine losing without ending up looking like a clothes-pin.

Carrie Fisher

@CarrieFFisher

@jennycraig


Wishful Shrinking #3

By • Jan 28th, 2011 • Category: News

Here we are again- coming to you from lifestyles of the occasionally rich & oh so tragically flab-ulous.

I feel like I’m being followed by flesh- encased in the flub of my fore fathers (or mothers)

Many of you have seen me cinematically wield some serious firepower over the course of my of so colorful so called. I mean, whether it was a laser gun in space, or in a tunnel with a shotgun trying to take out two brothers “On a mission from God”, or a little more recently taking pot shots in a kitchen on Sorority Row.  Regardless, you know I’m more than capable with a firearm, and I have to say that despite this apparent display of courage &/or fearlessness off screen in my home, doctors office or spa- scales terrified me.

I avoid them as much as possible- as if they were radioactive

Because scales held within them the secret to my deepest shame- they alone knew were capable of knowing the high number, which my weight had ascended to. But with JC’s assistance today I managed to step on the scale- initially, of course with my eyes closed.

Then- taking a deep breath I gradually opened my eyes & faced the mountainous music but the news was better than I’d dare to hope! I was 3.2 lbs down!*

Kathy, my consultant, was as proud as a supportive consultant could be. I got off that scale and I walked out of that room feeling… even more than potentially thin.

Some of my other favorite foods I’ve found on Jenny’s Menu are her Cheese Curls and the Toffee Cookies.  You’ve got to try those.  And how amazing is that?  I get to eat dessert! I was starting to believe that the word “dessert itself” was inherently evil.  It’s not.  These treats are as much a part of my program as anything else. So- I’ve started using Jenny Craig’s Personalized Menu each week to get all my favorites and I’m also using their new Bodymedia Fit Armband so I can actually track my total activity throughout the day. How trippy is that It totally takes the guesswork out of my planning or whatever and helps me set my goals so I can burn more calories.

Though sometimes I do feel a little like Martha Stewart. It tracks me & my flab & with Martha- well- you get the (tragic) picture.

So anyway I’m going to this party tonight and Kathy wanted me to visualize what outfit I’d be wearing- when I finally reach my party attending goal weight. & I told her that I cant “weight” to get back into one of my little black dresses with a nice heel! I’m also really looking forward to shopping for clothes again without being so f-ing concerned about how fat I look. I’m going to hit all the stores on Madison Ave & it’s going to be AMAZING!

Speaking of New York, I’m there this week on business so; I’ve already been able to plan ahead & have my Jenny food sent to my hotel.

Hell, I figure if I can make it here with Jenny Craig, I can make it anywhere.

Later, stocked refrigerator!

Carrie

www.jennycraig.com

@CarriFFisher


Wishful Shrinking #2

By • Jan 27th, 2011 • Category: News

I Googled myself recently (without a lubricant) and I came across a posting that someone made about me, and it said:

“Whatever happened to Carrie Fisher?  She used to be so hot. Now she looks like Elton John”

Ouch.

You know, you can age gracefully. It is possible(not easy maybe- but possible), but its incredibly difficult to age gracefully if you’re fat.  Fat just isn’t a graceful state.  So I guess that’s what I’m trying to do here with Jenny Craig, I’m trying to get into a state of grace.

It’s like beauty’s only skin deep, but you don’t want your skin to be SO deep that people will feel disinclined to dig down to the bottom of your skin to where your weightless inner beauty lies.. Seriously, what does someone first see?  They don’t see your personality. Well- depending on how you feel, a bad mood can show up from miles away. The funny thing is, I actually try to get them to overlook my looks: “Don’t look at me, – listen! PLEASE don’t look, just listen.”

See, I wasn’t lucky enough to have been born anorexic or bulimic. That would have been so great… But tragically I’m a failed anorexic.

No, obviously not, but the truth is I don’t want to be someone who looks like they should call Jenny anymore. I want to look like I called her, like a month ago. Better still- MANY months ago hell, I want Val Bertinelli’s ass.  I mean I want mine to look like hers.  Not literally you know – That’d be a whole new chapter in my already complicated life.

Anyway finally I did call Jenny Craig and today I’m happy to share with you that I survived my first entire week.  It actually wasn’t so bad.  I mean – the food is amazing- particularly, considering its not fattening. Who the hell would’ve thought that you could eat and not feel bad about it? – Certainly not me.

So it’s my one week check up with my consultant and I was really nervous to weigh in because for whatever the reason – I didn’t feel any thinner.  You know, because I wasn’t depriving myself and starving.  It’s like I’ve said before – I’m not into the whole masochism thing, or at least not in this case. What I’m trying to say is – I felt full and that has never meant losing weight for me.  So I stepped on the scale as usual with my eyes closed with eyes closed and then my beloved consultant Kathy, God love her, gave me the balls- chutzpah- whatever you want to call it to look down…

It was actually a lot less dramatic that I feared it would be. Plus, it was also pretty good news: I’m 4.8 lbs down!!!*

I can’t even explain to all of you how good that moment felt.  It was like a giant weight was taken off of me maybe not GIANT- but at least a 5 pound weight.( or thereabouts).  So I had a pretty successful first week and you want to know what made it truly amazing for me?  Not only did I lose the weight, I actually did it over the holiday weekend!*  That my friend, is the miracle of all miracles. There’s walking on water- & then there’s loosing weight over the holidays.

Honestly, I can’t wait to Google myself again in a few months and see if people think I look like a thinner rock star yet obviously not Lady Gaga but maybe- oh, I don’t know- how about Bruce Springsteen. I mean, God forbid I look like a female rock star- that might take as much as 5 or 6 months!

Have a great week.

Carrie

www.jennycraig.com

Twitter @CarrieFFisher