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top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]shujinConsistent Contributor 335 points336 points ago* 

Since you put the target so blatantly on your back, I don't have the heart to make any of the more obvious jokes.

I would advise wearing tight underwear (briefs or boxer-briefs) and flipping it up. Hopefully when you flip it up, it will be short enough that your belt doesn't cut into it.

Best of luck.

[–]throw-uh-way 154 points155 points ago

I have the same problem due to not a small dink but rather a large nuttsack. That, and a larger-than-ideal ass. Because my waist is smaller than my ass, I buy pants that are too big in the crotch and they tend to tent. I have 1 or 2 pairs of pants that are good at reducing the boner-effect, but I think it's a matter of trial and error.

ps, classy diagram; good stuff.

[–]SirBlackballs 39 points40 points ago

As a large nutaacked man myself I have to say this problem occurs quite often. Might I recommend "free ballin' it," you get the relaxation and your bits just make themselves more comfortable and spread out on their own, like natural science.

[–]Gotta_Be_More 29 points30 points ago

The unrestrained scrotum affect. Quite right.

[–]shujinConsistent Contributor 37 points38 points ago

You replied to the wrong person

[–]Pressureftw 125 points126 points ago

Did he though, shujin?

[–]shujinConsistent Contributor 52 points53 points ago

Oh shiii-

[–]S8Hydro 23 points24 points ago

You take the cake with the "rather a large nuttsack". That made me laugh so hard, I gasped for air. Upvote for the comment of the day.

[–]itakethecake 39 points40 points ago

NO ACTUALLY, I THINK I TAKE IT

[–]iforgot120 17 points18 points ago

Hopefully it's not short enough so that your belt doesn't cut into it.

For his dignity's sake.

[–]Atald 22 points23 points ago

He might be a grower for all we know. No shame in that.

[–]saywee123 1324 points1325 points ago

I'm so sorry but I lost it after I saw the diagram.

[–]BoomBoomYeah 467 points468 points ago

Fucking amazing. I wish this thread would never leave the front page of MFA.

[–]reptomin 382 points383 points ago

SIDEBAR! SIDEBAR!

[–]predvestnik 372 points373 points ago

Stick just the picture to the sidebar under "Dicks" without any explanation.

[–]verxix 123 points124 points ago

There has to be a mod that will do this for us.

[–]shujinConsistent Contributor 160 points161 points ago

Done, but it's hidden, go at it.

[–]Zunam 143 points144 points ago

Click the period in: "!Last Updated: Jan. 8th"

[–]predvestnik 47 points48 points ago

Fuck yes, this is the greatest thing I have partially contributed to this website, hope it stays there.

[–]LouieKablooie 43 points44 points ago

What a great subreddit secret. It's like our own Masonic handshake.

[–]leBMD 27 points28 points ago

Now, when I walk into a room, I'll know who goes to MFA based on this.

[walk into room, sidle close to someone] "the period is a penis." "Welcome, brother."

[–]megacrabmaster 13 points14 points ago

the period after jan. in the sentence "!Last Updated: Jan. 8th"

[–]AsciiAQuestion 23 points24 points ago

You're doing God's work.

[–]somethingsinthehills 16 points17 points ago

Oh, please make it happen. Please?

[–]shujinConsistent Contributor 33 points34 points ago

Done (what's the harm in a gag or two?)

However, it's hidden. Let's see if you guys can find it.

[–]paulw252 19 points20 points ago* 

It's the period in "Last updated Jan. 8th" I Win!!!

[–]qabsteak 64 points65 points ago

You're too excited. The appropriate excitement level for this thread is a 7 out of 10 (that's pretty high), but you are at a 10. Dial it back.

[–]MegaStache 58 points59 points ago

For a second, I thought this was trees, and I wondered why you wouldn't want him at a 10.

[–]grandoiseau 37 points38 points ago

I'm glad to know that there are other ents who reads mfa.

[–]MegaStache 41 points42 points ago

We're everywhere.

[–]eddy159357 28 points29 points ago

Ents unite!

[–]therekkoner 46 points47 points ago

I can tell you're all Ents because you're commenting in the wrong thread.

[–]StrangeArrangement 17 points18 points ago

What man?

[–]knifetoagunfight 30 points31 points ago

That was hilarious but I hafta say, I laughed a little harder at "If anything, it makes a worse as it just solidifies my dick in that state"

[–]Mystery_Hours 10 points11 points ago

What this thread needs is more dick jokes

[–]faseConsistent Contributor 526 points527 points ago

I've got a small penis and I approve this post.

[–]DenjinJ 135 points136 points ago

Respect. It takes big balls to say you have a small dick.

[–]faseConsistent Contributor 295 points296 points ago

Nope pretty they're small too.

[–]Rahvel 39 points40 points ago

It's all about perspective.

[–]darchinst 24 points25 points ago

Right? I was eating grapes earlier while I was watching fase through his bathroom window and thought his balls looked pretty big.

[–]IamSittingBehindYou 25 points26 points ago

I remember that.

[–]darchinst 15 points16 points ago

Fuck dude, you always startle me. Why are you so quiet?

[–]pwndnoob 152 points153 points ago

People like you are why i need RES

[–]faseConsistent Contributor 279 points280 points ago

I've made a huge mistake.

[–]faseConsistent Contributor 105 points106 points ago

It kinda reads like I consistently contribute small penises.

Which I guess is, in a way, true.

[–]Eternitras 9 points10 points ago

You got the first real laugh of the day from me. High five, really fashionable small dick guy.

[–]theredkrawler 6 points7 points ago

+1 for Fuchsia right here.

(proofs)

[–]aureliusantoninus 9 points10 points ago

I also went with fuchsia.

[–]java37 28 points29 points ago

At least you've got something huge now.

[–]ExplainsTheObvious 47 points48 points ago

Thanks. I forget that I can add tags to people with RES.

"fase - approves of stuff"

[–]kossyis 61 points62 points ago

I have the same issue. It's not that my penis is remarkably small (5.5 -> 6 inches erect depending on where you measure), but a combination of my scrotum being bunched up and my small flaccid penis on top of it makes a strange outline on my pants. If I sit down and get up, it manages to reposition itself to point directly out of my pants.

My best solution so far is to wear a jockstrap. It will keep your penis and balls close to your body, looking normal under sweatpants. It doesn't have any cloth covering your butt, so wear underwear over it if you want it covered.

You can buy one for $3 to $4 at Walmart in the athletic section; I use the self checkout to avoid weird looks.

Good luck!

[–]ForrestFireDW 53 points54 points ago

Its the balls man. I have the same problem. I have an average penis, i'm a grower not a show-er, but I have large balls. The balls ramp the penis up and poke it out.

[–]kossyis 60 points61 points ago

Totally. If it's cold, the ball ramp happens. If I gotta go #2, the ball ramp happens. If I'm wearing sweatpants, oh what's that? Yep, ball ramp.

[–]elusiver 58 points59 points ago

thank you for introducing ball ramp to my vocabulary.

[–]kossyis 7 points8 points ago

Thank ForrestFireDW, I stole it from him :D

One day, we will be all in A&P textbooks for the entire world to see.

[–]ForrestFireDW 4 points5 points ago

Probably. It shall also be in fashion books to make pants for men that suffer from ball ramp symptoms. there are dozens of us... DOZENS!!!

[–]skookin 4 points5 points ago

As a girl browsing around this thread, I feel like I've stumbled into a strange and alien land even more so than when I usually lurk this sub. I think ought to take notes.

[–]joemamalikesit 8 points9 points ago

about how to position your penis?

[–]m4nti 3 points4 points ago

He even repeats it three times so that it sticks.

[–]NotoriousJB 168 points169 points ago

Andrew Christian sells underwear that comes with removable padding. The padding is meant to give the illusion of having a bigger bulge, but I think these would be helpful for your issue. I think the line of underwear are called "shock jock." They come in briefs, boxer-briefs, and jock straps.

[–]jdb229 83 points84 points ago

This is the second best diagram in this thread.

[–]slurred 34 points35 points ago

This is the only decent advice in this thread

[–]dbonham 11 points12 points ago

that bulge is way too big

[–]RenalanConsistent Contributor 620 points621 points ago

10/10

[–]donkeyrocket 25 points26 points ago

I kinda want to know what is on the next page. Very captivating.

[–]detroit264 85 points86 points ago

[–]monkeetime 806 points807 points ago

I'm a girl, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here. But this is amazing.

[–]ianmgull 172 points173 points ago

Actually we do this all the time.

[–]loshon 87 points88 points ago

Mondays and Fridays!

[–]ListenToThatSound 13 points14 points ago

Twice on Sundays.

[–]toramichelle88[!] 120 points121 points ago

Same. I feel like I've wandered into a room of extremely well dressed men with problems I've never conceived.

[–]SpringBlossoms 95 points96 points ago

Every time you've ever had a guy make some excuse to stall standing up for about thirty seconds, he's had an erection.

Now you know.

[–]merpes 47 points48 points ago

If you clench your thighs as hard as you can, some of theblood will drain out of your dick to supply more oxygen to your thigh muscles.

[–]blasstula 97 points98 points ago

For some reason I envision this method failing and me shitting my pants with a boner.

[–]Gengnir 8 points9 points ago

Omg, TIL.

[–]koniges 7 points8 points ago

I always clenched and unclenched my fists rapidly

[–]t00lshed462 25 points26 points ago

...while moving them up and down?

[–]anandam1de 22 points23 points ago

I like to strategically tuck my boner under my belt/waistband at this point in time.

[–]unbeardedclam 9 points10 points ago

The uptuck? I thought everybody did this.

[–]kog 7 points8 points ago

My dick is too long, it comes out the top of my pants if I do this :(

[–]predvestnik 168 points169 points ago

Welcome to MFA, where the dicks are of varying sizes, but the problems all the same.

[–]faseConsistent Contributor 78 points79 points ago

Clearly the problems aren't all the same.

[–]predvestnik 27 points28 points ago

they are all of the 99 problem assortment, of a which a bitch ain't one ;)

[–]sourlovepuppy 74 points75 points ago

im a girl. and i agree on the level of amazing-ness. let us all give thanks to the internet for enlightening us. penis.

[–]bassjunkie 13 points14 points ago

My eyes are up here.

[–]yachtie 45 points46 points ago

A Girl!! What do we do?

[–]joemamalikesit 54 points55 points ago

hit it on the head before it gets away!

[–]BarelyRelevant[!] 31 points32 points ago

Or you can just wear roller skates all the time.

[–]joemamalikesit 18 points19 points ago

Well. that's hardly relev... oh. ok

[–]lurkonly_man 88 points89 points ago

This problem was solved centuries ago. King henry armour

[–]Successive 49 points50 points ago

That's a chode if I ever saw one.

[–]ZeroOneThreeTwo 38 points39 points ago

It looks like a little face nestled betwixt his legs.

[–]aureliusantoninus 16 points17 points ago

betwixt

Nice.

[–]Zsigmond 7 points8 points ago

[–]wumbus 66 points67 points ago

Well there's your problem right there. Your penis appears to have a magnetic field repelling the pants.

[–]BluShine 6 points7 points ago

Ferromagnetic penis? Sounds more like it's his BALLS OF STEEL.

[–]mothoc 117 points118 points ago

You could ask a transvestite for advice. They also don't want their penises showing while wearing softer fabrics.

Though, if you don't want to simply hide your penis, just wear an athletic cup.

[–]lingual_panda 44 points45 points ago

This is actually really good advice.

[–]xelloss 257 points258 points ago

just show off your bulge, bro

you can do anything if you're confident enough bro

[–]a_lot_of_fish 97 points98 points ago

What if girls weren't creeped out by our erections and just, like, wanted to see them? That's the world I one day want to live in.

[–]WatchingAlice 67 points68 points ago

I am a girl, and we do. Penises are fascinating.

[–]iroxy 36 points37 points ago

I like you alot.

[–]CX3 95 points96 points ago

[–]slightlystartled 3 points4 points ago

Girl, not alot. Big difference.

[–]Felliniesque 14 points15 points ago

Seconded though there are some situations in which it can get weird.
If there's a flaccid bulge in your pants a-la Bowie, show it the fuck off. Seriously. One time there was a post in MFA asking how to hide one of those and I was like nooooooo
But with erections you never know if it's going to get weird.

[–]notafinga 6 points7 points ago

Agreed! The bulge is hot. I imagine it's the equivalent of chicks with big tits? I finally have my husband wearing pants that actually fit his body. And boy, can we see that body:) I could go on and on...

[–]midway12 16 points17 points ago

did no one else recognize this from superbad?

[–]fantasia_burrito 202 points203 points ago

Bro bro bro

[–]nocheckers 88 points89 points ago

Bro bro bro, bro? Bro bro. Bro bro bro bro bro! broooooo. :(

[–]BitchesLove 13 points14 points ago

Malkovich

[–]rawrtoyou 27 points28 points ago

My boyfriend sang that as a song.

[–]LeSageLocke 8 points9 points ago

Brofriend?

[–]theLmovingKnight 10 points11 points ago

Man dude guy bro?

[–]Ehmanda 4 points5 points ago

Why you gotta disrespect, brah? I do respect you, brah! Show some respect, brah! I do respect you, brah! Then stop disrespectin', brah!

[–]MeSoCorny 95 points96 points ago

Just wear jeans. But that is an excellent diagram.

[–]sulfate15[S] 47 points48 points ago

What about during sports?

[–]MeSoCorny 166 points167 points ago

No one's looking at your dick during sports.

[–]sulfate15[S] 62 points63 points ago

Im sure they aren't but I get very self conscious just in case they notice it.

[–]tling 65 points66 points ago

lycra undershorts + loose fitting shorts

[–]diskmaster23 30 points31 points ago

COMPRESS THAT DICK!

[–]blasstula 3 points4 points ago

cat /dev/penis | gzip >> pants

[–]fermented-fetus 32 points33 points ago* 

Get some compression shorts

You do not have to flip it up like others are saying, but don't let it go over the balls. Rather have it go to the side, no one will be the wiser.

[–]AllUrMemes 14 points15 points ago

I am

[–]bordercollieflower 39 points40 points ago

Being the perverted girl that I am, I'm going to have to disagree. Also, I'm still not seeing the dilemma here. Guys like to see girls ni-ni's through the shirt and some girls love what athletic pants do to a man's bits.

[–]pnettle 46 points47 points ago

As a drunk motherfucker....what in gods name is a ni-ni? I'm HOPING it somehow means nipple but god only knows what it COULD mean.

...and why are you in male fashion advice?

[–]bordercollieflower 20 points21 points ago

Ni-ni is a modest translation of nipple, yes. And I am here because this was on the main page and I was curious as to what kind of replies OP would get. Why are YOU here?

[–]pnettle 17 points18 points ago

Oh and since ni-ni is your translation for nipple....whats your best words for vajayjay? I always need good words for that but there's a very limited repertoire.

[–]bordercollieflower 21 points22 points ago

Box, snatch, cuca (Spanish), hoo-ha, jj, muffin, split tail, cutty, twat, and my fiancee calls the dog's a gumdrop.. Still haven't figured that last one out.

[–]glassonglass 14 points15 points ago

I would not bring my penis near any of those things.

[–]bobleplask 4 points5 points ago

[–]Bitter_Bob 11 points12 points ago

Grower here. When my balls are not sagging I have the same problem as you.

Just don't think about it. It worries me, but as soon as I start playing I forget all about it.

[–]nallyo2 10 points11 points ago

Wear a cup.

[–]qabsteak 24 points25 points ago

Wear a jockstrap...wait for it...waaaiit for it...with a giant dildo stuffed in it.

No, but a jockstrap would effectively alleviate your little ahem problem, if compression shorts don't do the trick.

[–]klobster 7 points8 points ago

Wear a cup.

[–]snoharm 10 points11 points ago

I think you'd get some odd looks wearing a cup at most pickup-style sports.

[–]awesomedave680 6 points7 points ago

Wear compression shorts

[–]keepinithamsta 11 points12 points ago

Compression shorts are amazing. I'm wearing them right now (workout ended an hour ago) because they lift and support my balls. I guess it's the same feeling women get when they have the proper bra size. It also keeps willy in check when my shorts ride up.

[–]IAmSteel 8 points9 points ago

wear spandex underwear during sports. You should be doing this anyways, it keeps everything safe and in place. I usually wear underarmour brand but anything that is snug should work. Just go to your local sporting good store and pick up a pair or 2

[–]TehKashmirZ 81 points82 points ago

In the off chance that this isn't a troll, get some underarmor/nike/whatever compression shorts. Those should do the trick.

OR you could just walk around with a half chub all day, bringing your manhood into the "average" territory.

[–]sulfate15[S] 36 points37 points ago

No troll. I have some tight compression type underwear but they make it worse I think, because sometimes my dick does bulge a bit so there is no problem, but when I wear tighter underwear, it kind of forces it to be smaller causing the visible bump in my pants. Are there any cup type devices which would solve the problem? Thanks

[–]boomfarmer 29 points30 points ago

Have you tried flipping your dick up, pointing towards your bellybutton?

[–]apache119 23 points24 points ago

I don't think it's big enough for that.

[–]boomfarmer 19 points20 points ago

Try it. Maybe apply some tape to ensure that it stays upright.

[–]predvestnik 28 points29 points ago

Or tie it firm against the stomach and around the waist with a long shoe lace like so (see top section of the boot).

[–]Skeeow 18 points19 points ago

I find this works best. This or duct tape.

[–]Teryaki_Toothpaste 16 points17 points ago

ಠ_ಠ

[–]czhunc 10 points11 points ago

Sure. Let's apply some tape ONTO HIS MANHOOD.

[–]AllUrMemes 7 points8 points ago

There are boxer brief underwear with a padded crotch.... I think the term is "sculptured pouch"?

[–]dexer 21 points22 points ago

Tight briefs could do it for ya. It rolls your piece and jewels into one package which some girls quite enjoy the aesthetic of. You might have to try different brands to find one that's comfortable for you.

Also, I have two things to relate to you that have to do with the fact that I'm bisexual. This might be more of a product of my sexuality and personality but kind of like how a good suit makes one feel daper and masculine, wearing tight underwear makes me feel just a little bit sexier and knowing that I'm wearing a hot-rod red themed underwear with a picture of Iron-Man blazoned over my package when I'm talking to people makes me feel more confident. Being able to think to yourself, "Little do you know that I have a picture of Iron-Man on my crotch." gives you a bit of a psychological upper hand. Also, you might notice you're a little bit more sensitive down there, depending on the material of the underwear. Shhh.

Also, ignore all the shit people are throwing at you about being smaller. Every guy that I've been with but one has had a larger than average piece, and I enjoyed spending my time with him more than just about everyone else.

[–]my_code_is_compiling 20 points21 points ago

there are all sorts of pills available to make your junk bigger. check you email inbox and/or spam folder

[–]hippiechan 343 points344 points ago

I know this isn't circlejerk, but

SO BRAVE.

[–]ForrestFireDW 36 points37 points ago

Some people are showers some are growers.

I call this the ball ramp. Its where the balls lift up the flacid, retracted penis and lift it up like a ramp. I suffer from the same thing. Its all cool. Your dick is probably fine btw. Also, no one can tell whats going on, i've asked my girlfriend and some friends and they didn't notice anything. If you really care about it that much just wear longer shirts.

[–]MeBeingAwesome 19 points20 points ago

"Ball Ramp" is the early front-runner for word of the year, 2012. I can't stop laughing.

[–]drunkpandabear 17 points18 points ago

As an Asian male, all I could think of was please don't be Asian.

[–]spreague92 28 points29 points ago

On the plus side, most people will not be able to distinguish the cause of the problem and assume that it is caused by a penis that is larger than average.

[–]despots 150 points151 points ago

Holy shit, I declared thread of the year but I was way too early.

This right here is thread of the year.

[–]ramdomthought 16 points17 points ago

This is not thread of the year (yet.)

[–]xinu 172 points173 points ago

Agreed. It comes up a little short

[–]JeremiahGunz 24 points25 points ago

What you have to do is wear huuuggge biiig pink boots. Everybody is gonna look at them and forget about that small dick.

[–]ronnyboy 10 points11 points ago

TIL I think I may also have a small dick.

[–]enola 3 points4 points ago

i think some of us just have really efficient shrinkage. lots of bros say their flaccid dick is about the same size as boner, but mine shrinks down to literally 1/3 my boner size volume

[–]brianofoz 10 points11 points ago

I dont think you should care about it. Just roll with what you got. I am willing to bet that 999/1000 people you interact with dont notice/dont care. Im not trying to be mean when I say that, its just that I really think its a big non issue. For you the problem is strictly psychological.

[–]quantumfunk 17 points18 points ago

Wear small pants and your dick will look bigger.

[–]dacows 8 points9 points ago

quite visible on certain types of pants

If it's really such a big deal to you, make an attempt to only wear those types of pants that get the job done.

I have an average-sized penis, and I also sometimes feel that it is silhouetting a bit too much. Hey ladies! My eyes are up here!

[–]Gawdzillers 8 points9 points ago

I was a wrestler in high school. A lot of guys had your situation when they had their singlets on.

My solution is, if anyone points out you have a small-dick bulge, kick their ass.

[–]JTravisRolko 36 points37 points ago

Just stick a big dildo in your underwear. If you're white, make it fun by using a black dildo.

[–]DenjinJ 35 points36 points ago

Stuff two in! Sometimes one on each side, sometimes two on one side! If you can't deceive... confuse them.

[–]HotAndCold 27 points28 points ago

So you're a grower, not a shower?

[–]normal_verb_raucher 75 points76 points ago

Nobody on reddit showers.

[–]predvestnik 54 points55 points ago

Folks on MFA do, motherfucker.

[–]ellajacobsen 14 points15 points ago

From a woman's perspective: Women think you have a big penis (if I can see it through his pants, it must be big.) Also, if you're a good guy and you treat women respectfully, they won't care about the size of your manbits. Hope that helps :)

[–]VampireOnTitus 15 points16 points ago

if you're a good guy and you treat women respectfully, they won't care about the size of your manbits

Might this be because many women aren't attracted to "good guys" who "treat them respectfully"?

[–]ellajacobsen 6 points7 points ago

I should have specified by saying that a woman who is both healthy and mature(mentally) will be less likely to judge you by the size/shape of your penis, or the fact that it's visible through your pants.

[–]Pokesteve 21 points22 points ago

My god that pic is brilliant.

[–]bat-mite 10 points11 points ago

amputate

[–]penguinsSC 14 points15 points ago

sadly the only solution i have come from spinal tap

put a cucumber in your pants

edit: on a serious note though I'm sure its not as bad as you think it is

[–]Brekkystout 9 points10 points ago

on a serious note, wrap it in foil to keep it fresh.

[–]smegroll 11 points12 points ago

Cmere internet, gimme some sugar.

[–]splorng 3 points4 points ago

Jockstrap?

[–]tehphoebus 5 points6 points ago

I shit you not I read this title and assumed /r/circlejerk was finally making fuck of /r/malefashionadvice.

[–]lagspike 6 points7 points ago

so brave

seriously

[–]IAmEday 6 points7 points ago

So there's an Itty Bitty Titty Committee....what is the equivalent for dicks?

[–]merpes 19 points20 points ago

Gun ownership and oversized pickup trucks.

[–]mr_triforce 13 points14 points ago

maybe an actual picture would help us to give more proper advice? possibly tape it down?

[–]ZeroOneThreeTwo 34 points35 points ago

We need to get a hand on what were dealing with.

[–]qabsteak 4 points5 points ago

Where's mfafirstimpression when you need him?

[–]reptomin 9 points10 points ago

Where's sureilldrawthat?

[–]dantheiuman 12 points13 points ago

I don't think he can beat OP picture

[–]bly2425 4 points5 points ago

MFA post of the year.

[–]me_grimlock_king 30 points31 points ago

[–]mramoth 4 points5 points ago

Thanks for this post. I'm pretty noticable while flaccid in my jeans, does this happen to you too?

[–]Ratlettuce 3 points4 points ago

I'd be more worried about your complete lack of hip or ab definition.

[–]Bitter_Idealist 1 point2 points ago

I don't understand how you guys deal with those things all the time.

[–]10000gildedcranes 3 points4 points ago

There's also dancebelts which is what dancers use....