things I’m afraid to tell you

Thu, Mar 29, 2012

Though I like to think I’m pretty much an open book online, there are things about me that I hide for fear of rejection or judgement. This is silly to my logical brain, my experience has shown that the more we are real online, the more people can connect and care about us as humans on the other side of the computer screen.

But my emotional, fearful mind freaks when I think about sharing some things in my life.

So today I’d like to push that fear back – a little bit or a lot – I don’t care. I just want to see what it feels like to really push past my own self-imposed boundaries and share my thoughts that don’t often grace MML.

[Deep breath.]

Here it goes:

  • Yesterday after a tense customer service call, I cried in front of my assistant and new intern. (Not the “ugly cry,” but pretty close.)
  • Mr. Lively and I try to count our drinks per week and limit them to 14 per week total. (Sometimes we are under, sometimes we are over.)
  • I have PCOS, so I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to have kids. (This has made me pretty rigid in terms of dating and relationships, more than I’d like to admit.)
  • I have been jealous of married friends who have businesses. (I sometimes wish I could supplement my income with a spouse’s paycheck.)
  • I have been worried about getting seriously injured because of my self-employed health insurance. (My deductible is high and not that awesome. Luckily I’ve been blessed these past five years, knock on wood.)
  • My bank has declined a recent business credit line increase. (So I paid for inventory with my personal savings.)
  • I watch Joyce Meyer’s TV show everyday even though I’m not Christian. And I’m sometimes afraid if I mention her too much here, it will come off as preachy on MML. (So I call her Mrs. Meyers now half as a term of endearment, and half so people won’t think I’m pushing a Christian agenda.)
  • I get jealous when I see the extensive wardrobes of some of my fashionable friends. (I know money isn’t everything. But sometimes I actively ignore that fact.)
  • I’m terrible with names. I’ve reintroduced myself to people I’ve met before. Many times. (I wish I was better at this, but I’m sure I’ll do it again.)

Thanks for listening. Though I don’t know what the fallout from sharing these facts will be, I’m hoping that it’s not as bad as I’ve always feared.


76 Responses to “things I’m afraid to tell you”

  1. Christina Says:

    I like the sharing! Real, dynamic, complicated people are much more interesting. It’s like your fleshing out a character in a novel. :)

  2. Jessica Says:

    This is perfect. I really liked that you shared those fears with us. Many of us have those same fears. For example the extensive wardrobe, I have that same problem. But mines is like “How do they get so much money to buy all those expensive clothes?” Because I surely don’t make that much money.

    But should you be afraid of telling us about who you really are? No, I think is wonderful and it makes you seem HUMAN. Unlike in the blogosphere it always isn’t that way. Bloggers only show the great times they have and don’t show the bad in their lives. So I’m glad you shared it with us. And I won’t look at you any differently. I think you are already an amazing woman because you are living your life with intention and helping women along the way.

  3. Colleen Says:

    I was diagnosed with PCOS when we started trying to conceive & ran into issues. It felt good to have an explanation for various random health issues I’d had. It took 2.5 yrs and some media to level out the PCOS hormones, but I’m due end of July and everything has gone smoothly. Don’t consider it an impossible feat. The heart shape of my uterus was actually far more an issue than the PCOS. (bicornuate uterus) if you want more details on the steps we took, feel free to contact me directly. Sharing my story of fertility challenges & losses has helped me and others dealing with similar challenges. You opening up about yourself has the same positive effect.

    We’re all human & need to be reminded that it’s easy to show the happy, glossy side of our lives, but it’s sharing the messy, gritty sides that really allow us to truly connect with others. Read the lyrics to Dar Williams “What do you hear in these sounds?” to see how universe the feeling is.

  4. Colleen Says:

    Damn autocorrect.
    2.5 yrs and some MEDICINE…
    .. To see how UNIVERSAL the feeling is.

  5. Jess Says:

    Hi Colleen, thank you so, so much for sharing your story! I am so happy to hear that you were able to have a baby despite your PCOS and other complications! It makes me very excited and optimistic for my own future children!

  6. Lisa Says:

    Hi Jess,

    I love your work and just came across this post. I just wanted to second the encouragement. I love your honesty and find it really inspiring.

    Also, my mom has PCOS and was able to have my sister and me. I know every situation is different, but I just wanted to send along a bit of hope and positive energy.

    Best wishes,

  7. Brandee Baltzell Says:

    I’m not even sure that I could track back to how I got to this post, but it’s wonderful. We all have an online persona, and though I’d like to think that mine is “me,” I know that I edit and censor what I put online. It’s an ongoing discussion with friends that I’ve made across the social media platforms.

    Thank you for sharing!

  8. Amy Renea Says:

    I know I’m late to the party here, but I wanted to chime in with 2 things…

    A – I forget names ALL the time and constantly reintroduce myself (sometimes to RELATIVES!) — let’s start a club.

    B – I also have PCOS quite badly, but (miraculously?) had no problems having 3 boys in 5 years…so don’t give up hope yet girl — you never know!

  9. Amy Says:

    Hi Jess, I just found your blog, and your recent posts about honesty/reality/icing etc via Ez at Creature Comforts blog, and I just wanted to say how much I admire what you are doing. I feel really inspired to give my own blog a reality check – I want my blog to be a place that makes readers feel good about themselves and reading yours and Ez’s posts just now has done that for me. There seems to be a real feeling all over the blog world at the moment (or at least the ones I read) about getting back to basics, and I really love it.

    Thanks for sharing, I’m glad to have found your blog! Amy XO

  10. Dana Says:

    I had PCOS plus Endo plus multiple other problems. I was basically a worst case scenario. My decision to come forward and be completely honest with friends and family was hard but ultimately the right one. So many of my friends came to me secretly with their own issues but stayed private with everyone else out of embarrassment. I’m glad I decided not to let this issue be an “embarrassment”. It was a medical issue I had no control over. Why should I or any woman feel bad about this? Many years later and after lots of surgeries and IVF, I have miracle twin girls. My issues have resurface causing a total hysterectomy and I hope to adopt a child in need soon.

  11. debbie Says:

    thank you for “keepin it real”. your honesty and openness is inspiring.


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