Doug Hagin
July 5, 2005
Liberal logic
By Doug Hagin

If we take Liberal logic, which of course is the ultimate oxymoron, and apply it to everything in life, we will get some rather odd results!

Liberal logic says if we had fewer guns, we would also have fewer crimes.

Therefore, from this we must conclude Liberal logic also dictates the following.

Fewer eating utensils would soon lead to less obesity. Fewer restaurants would also lead to less obesity, as would fewer cattle. After all cows give milk, and milk can be fattening. Cattle also give us beef, which can also make us fat.

So we can conclude, using Liberal logic, that if we had no cows, no restaurants and no utensils, obesity would be quickly eradicated.

Fewer pens and pencils would lead to fewer grammatical errors such as misspellings. Fewer pens and pencils would also lead to fewer notes in class, thus leading to fewer kids getting in trouble for passing notes in class.

Also without pens and pencils, students could not write nasty things about classmates could they. So we must eliminate these tools of intolerance.

Paper too, should be tightly controlled. Without paper, even students with pens or pencils would be unable to write bad things or use poor grammar while writing.

So using Liberal logic, which says more gun control and laws will lessen violent crime, we must also confess that having tight controls on pen, pencil, and paper would curtail poor grammar and hateful writing.

We are off to a great start in using Liberal logic to cure the societal ills of America. Where else can we look to offer even more improvements in our not-nearly liberal enough nation?

Let us see. Businesses are always looking for ways to improve things like profit aren't they? Well let us help them by applying some Liberal logic to their goals shall we?

Liberal logic dictates that competition is bad. Therefore, if we use this left-leaning logic and apply it to businesses we soon determine that businesses must stop pushing their employees to be better and more productive. After all, businesses are pushing competition when they ask more of their employees.

Liberal logic has already told us how negatively competition effects self-esteem. So why would businesses wish to cast harm upon their workers self-esteem? If children's games like dodge ball or tag are negative for children then surely budgets or profits must be really bad for employees of private businesses! My God where are our priorities people?

They should eliminate competition from their strategies immediately! They should stop worrying about silly, non-important details like profit. They should instead focus on implementing Liberal logic. Then they would only care about the feelings of their employees. Who cares if they succeed as a business? Their employers will never suffer from a bruised ego. THAT is what truly matters, Liberal logic tells us so.

Just remember being unemployed with a positive self-image is far more desirable than being gainfully employed but being pressured to do your best. Who needs that capitalistic pressure?

OK we are rolling now! Let us now move to dangerous lifestyles and what liberal logic teaches us about them.

Liberal logic tells us that teaching teens how to have safe sex is better than teaching them not to have sex until they are mentally and emotionally capable of handling the awesome responsibility, which can come from engaging in sex. So let us apply this logic to other dangerous activities and lifestyle choices.

Let us start with drug abuse. Liberal logic dictates we teach people how to do drugs safely! Like teenagers and sex, Liberal logic tells us they are going to do it anyway. So teach them how to do drugs safely!

Think how much safer our country will be when all of us know how to properly snort and smoke cocaine! We know from studying Liberal logic that giving drug addicts clean needles will reduce the spread of AIDS among intravenous drug users so we should go one step further and give everyone clean needles shouldn't we?

How about addictive behaviors like promiscuous sex? Liberal logic dictates that we teach everyone safe sex! Do not tell anyone certain behaviors are dangerous or goodness forbid, immoral! Taking this approach might lead to lowered self-esteem, and we can never afford that tragedy!

No, no my friends we must learn the great lessons of Liberal logic. Words like accountability, responsibility, and consequences must be stricken immediately from our vernacular! Such words give rise to the belief that there are moral absolutes! We can never entertain such intolerance and judgementalism.

Instead let us entertain sensitivity instead! There ought to be no right, no wrong, no good, no bad. There should jus be choices, none of which are wrong, unless of course your choice involves religion or moral absolutes. Those are so intolerant!

So remember what is truly important. Feelings are the important thing in life. Not results, not improvement, or success, or doing your best or subscribing to some right-wing moral code, no none of that matters, feelings matter!

Now if you take a look at the absurd lengths to which Liberal logic can be taken, you might then consider how devoid of any intellectual worth Liberalism is. The preceding column was absurd and sarcastic, but what better way to expose Liberal logic for the absolute fraud it is?

Liberal logic will never, and can never succeed in the real world. If we follow it we will not improve, we will only fail miserably and be miserable as we are failing.

© Doug Hagin

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Doug Hagin

Doug Hagin was born in Tampa, Florida, and now resides in Dallas, Texas. Doug has been writing political columns for nearly a decade... (more)

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