Q: Dear Meredith,

I am a successful, never-been-married woman in her late 30s who has been in a wonderful relationship with a divorced man in his late 40s for about 18 months. By all accounts, this has been the most fulfilling relationship I have ever been in on many levels. He is a funny, loving, smart, and generous man who is also a standout father to his three (now older) children from his previous marriage. His children have grown up to be smart and polite human beings who also treat me with great respect and for whom I have grown to care deeply.

So where does my problem lie? Well my boyfriend made it clear initially that he never wants to get married again. He had a terrible first marriage and his parents also had difficulties in theirs. He has also has seen the marriage of many of his friends end in bitter divorce, whereas I was raised with parents who have been blissfully married for 50+ years and I have many friends in (seemingly) happy marriages. Of course I thought that I could change his mind over time, but I am beginning to realize I was naive in thinking so. Over the years my perception of the importance of marriage has diminished to some degree, and I truly believe my boyfriend and I could have a great long term relationship for many years to come. That being said, I almost feel like I am selling myself short in this deal as I have been nothing but a wonderful girlfriend and often ask myself why I need to pay the price now for his ex-wife's terrible behavior?

By stating he will never again remarry, I take it as a personal insult that I myself am not good enough to marry, which I know is not the case. My dilemma now is whether to stay in this (almost) totally fulfilling relationship and just try to come to peace with the fact that it won't end in marriage, or do I cut my losses and hope to find something half as fulfilling with someone I might not care as deeply about, but who is at least willing to show long-term commitment to me? I am hoping your readers who are married can shed some light on the big question here: "Is marriage totally overrated and should I just be happy with what I have got?"

– Do I need a ring to make me happy, Cambridge

Q: I am a faithful reader of your column and I hope you can steer me in the right direction.

I am in my late 40s, and I went through a divorce about two years ago. The ink was no sooner dry on the divorce agreement when I was laid off. I do my best to keep my chin up and be optimistic, but after almost two years of single fatherhood and unemployment, I have only a part time job and one date to show for it.

I recently met a woman at work. She is in the final stages of her divorce. We talked a couple of times and we connected. I asked her out for coffee and we talked more. I have enjoyed talking with her, and I have felt engaged and challenged like I have never felt before. She is not looking for a serious relationship right now, but would like to have one at some point in the future.

I asked this woman out for coffee again, and I got a note back saying that she did not feel a deeper connection. She went on to say that since we work in the same place, she did not want a relationship with me outside of work (even though because of our schedules, we have almost no interaction at work). She added that there were changes she wanted to make in herself and her life in order to find the kind of relationship she wanted.

I felt confused, disappointed, and hurt. I felt like we did connect, at least enough for me to want to see her again. I can only guess, but I think she was uncomfortable with the fact we both work in the same place. I also think she was uncomfortable with our age difference (she is about 15 years younger). Beyond that, I wonder if I did or said something wrong (like possibly mentioning my children or my ex-wife).

So I am left to wonder what I need to do in order to find someone else. I have a fear of not having someone special in my life and winding up alone. Through the whole process of my divorce and losing my full time job, I have just felt alone. I do know that people (mostly at my church) care and will listen, but I still feel alone. I guess I could use some insight and another point of view.

– Trying to Be Optimistic in Metrowest

Q: Dear Meredith,

My cousin is currently going through a painful divorce (what divorce isn't painful?), and while her soon to be ex-husband was the one who initiated the divorce proceedings, both of them are responsible for the failure of their marriage. I should also note that the grounds for the divorce are on differences -- there were no extramarital affairs, and no one was abusive. Also, there are no children or any properties involved.

Since we are all a very large and close extended family, we are all friends on Facebook. All of us were on excellent terms with her ex, and welcomed him into the family. And while her ex and I do not keep in regular contact, we still remain friends on Facebook. During this time, her ex has periodically been in touch with me during my father's terminal illness, asking about his health, and sending a beautiful card when my father passed away. All in all, he is a very nice guy.

Now for my problem. For the past couple of months, my cousin has been repeatedly emailing everyone in the family to cut all contact and de-friend him. Since her ex has shown noting but kindness and compassion to me and my immediate family during our period of grief and loss, I feel reluctant to de-friend him and cut all contact. I understand where my cousin is coming from, but it seems rude and passive-aggressive for me to do this. I don't want to be a bad cousin, but I don't believe it is her place to tell all of us whom we can and cannot speak to. What would you advise me to do?

– Trapped by Facebook Drama, Brighton

Q: Dear Meredith,

I met my wife through some mutual friends about two years ago. She was visiting Boston and ended up falling in love with the city and decided to give it a try. We ended up spending a great deal of time together and dating.

During that time, I had felt rather happy and satisfied with my life except for one thing -- I had not had a chance to pursue a meaningful relationship. I had spent almost all of my time after college building my life into what I wanted with my job, friends, and family. Because I was new to the dating game, I did anything I could to keep this new relationship alive.

After about five months of us dating, she became very critical of me and began to complain about various details of my life. I would often hear that I would be spending too much time at work, with my family and friends, or that I didn't spend enough time with her. She began to threaten leaving me, and due to my weak sense of self at the time, I did all I could to accommodate her. I changed my job, moved, and essentially devoted as much time as I could into making her happy.

Soon enough we became pregnant and quickly got married. We never got a chance to finish the dating part of our relationship and essentially put it on hold as we prepared for raising a child. We now live closer to her family.

As you can probably guess, we have had a rough marriage. It is now a few years later and I still have problems being happy with our situation and working out our differences. We argue about everything from the smallest quirks to our plans for the future (although we have ensured these emotions don't leak to our child). In a desperate attempt to save our marriage and keep our family together, we saw two different marriage counselors. The first one pushed the idea of a divorce, so we left him to look for another one who would be willing to encourage us to stay together.

Fortunately, the second counselor has been helping us see past our differences and we have become considerably more loving and caring as a couple. We rarely argue now but no matter what happens through the sessions, I cannot be happy. It does not seem like I have any emotional issues, I am just so upset about what has happened and where I am in my life at the moment. My wife seems to be happy and I want nothing more than to be able to share that feeling with her.

As of right now I am having trouble becoming intimate and excited about life again. What can I do? I just want to get over the feeling that I lost control of my life and be happy.

– Want to Stay, Formerly Boston

Q: I am writing for a few hundred unbiased opinions on a situation I have been having with my boyfriend. My friends are amazing listeners who are very supportive, but being agreed with repeatedly is not helping me. I need some fresh points of view. So, here's my "I love him, but…" story.

I live with an amazing man and his two kids from a previous relationship who we have about 50% of the time. We were together when we were younger and found our way back to each other about two years ago, both of us now in our 30s. Nothing in my life has ever felt so right. I am not perfect, he's not perfect, but we're perfect for each other. Before him, I was happily single and I could be again, so I am not with him out of a need to be in a relationship.

The problem has to do with his kids' mother. We all get along, she is recently married, they were apart for years before we got together, and we easily navigate custody without legal assistance. Neither of them has the slightest desire to be with the other in a romantic way. The problem is how frequently she calls/texts him. Their children are young, so there is bound to be more calls than with older children, but she calls at least once most days, usually a couple of times and that is often in addition to multiple texts. The kids have their own phone, so she is not calling to talk to them. The children are healthy, normal kids who do not require any special attention, so I can't figure out what is so important it can't wait until they see each other, which they do almost daily to drop off/pick up the kids. There have been times I know they've spoken more than once and exchanged a few texts and he still doesn't know who has the kids that night. Most calls have something to do with the kids but not always. Even when it is about the kids, it is often something trivial that really doesn't necessitate contact.

The other day, I asked when he last went a day without her calling. The only day he could come up with was the day he drove her and the kids to the airport. We fight about this constantly; he says he doesn't care because she is such a nonentity in his life that he doesn't even notice. I can't understand why it wouldn't bother him unless he wants to hear from her (he never calls her unless he has to). It has gotten to the point where I cannot even be rational when she calls for legitimate reasons.

Am I being unreasonable? Why doesn't he want less of her in his life? Should he set boundaries? How can he do that without creating waves (she can easily be tipped into crazy land and things wouldn't be so good for the kids)? Can you suggest ways for me to just accept it as "the thing" in our relationship?

– Feeling Like the Other Woman, CT

Q: My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over six months and we have a very loving and trusting relationship. We both recognize the long-term potential in this and have started the discussion of getting engaged and moving in together. After a long marriage with five wonderful kids, he got divorced a few years ago. I am also divorced with a young son who adores my boyfriend. Although there is a 15 year age difference between the two of us (I'm younger), we have proven compatible so far in all the important areas of our relationship. Our friends and family have all been extremely supportive of us, and we have both fit comfortably in each other's circles, with one exception: he has not introduced me to his children (except for the eldest).

My boyfriend tells me that the other children know that he has a girlfriend, and that the eldest has been supportive of our relationship in front of his siblings. But I would still like the opportunity to meet the other children in the near future and begin working on having a relationship with them. (They live with their mother.) My boyfriend says he doesn't want to confuse them. I trust his judgment and know that he wants what is best for all parties involved. But I feel like he has two different lives right now: one with me and one with his children. It makes me sad at times when I'm not included in activities with them.

I am trying to be gentle with broaching this topic again with my boyfriend because I know he feels pulled in a bunch of different directions. I just wonder whether his reluctance to introduce me to his children is a sign of his insecurity about our future. Are we moving too fast? Shouldn't I meet the children before we move in together? Do I even have a right to influence this important decision?

– I want to be part of the family too, Newton

Q: Hi Meredith,

I am a divorced father of a wonderful daughter. I've been divorced for almost 10 years, and while it's been a rocky road for me at times, I think I've moved on for the most part. My ex (let's call her Jane) and I have shared custody of our daughter. We have gotten along very well when it comes to raising our child. Recently, however, I have grown increasingly concerned about some of Jane's behavior and how it might affect my daughter. I just don't know how to handle it appropriately.

A bit of background: My marriage ended because Jane had been cheating on me for several years with several different people. I tried everything under the sun to try and save the situation for our daughter's sake and for my own. We tried counseling and various other things to try to fix the situation. In the end nothing helped, and Jane finally told me she was leaving me for a guy she had been seeing for some time and she was going to file for divorce regardless of what I wanted. Jane ended up marrying this guy a year or two later. He has kids of his own, and whether I like it or not, my daughter has grown close to his kids and now considers them to be family.

I told Jane when we broke up that regardless of how I felt, she better not "mess up" again because of the impact it would have on our child. I told her if she broke our daughter's heart again by messing up another marriage and once again turning her life upside down, I would not hesitate to file for full custody. As far as I am concerned, another divorce would show that Jane is completely self-absorbed and an unfit parent.

Flash forward to today. I'm still very close to Jane's family, since my daughter is their family. They also know the basics of what happened between Jane and me, and they have always been very supportive. Recently, one of them added me as a Facebook friend. This means that all of a sudden I can see a lot of Jane's Facebook activity, as we are now "Friends of Friends" of each other, in Facebook terms. For a while I tried not to look. But eventually my curiosity got the best of me. I can't see a lot, but I can see some of her activity and her friends' list, etc.

Facebook ethical dilemmas aside (I will do whatever I feel I need to do as a father to protect my daughter's best interests, and I can't help it if Jane doesn't understand the ins and outs of Facebook's byzantine privacy configurations), I now know things that are of great concern to me. Jane has been spending a lot of time with an old friend. My daughter told me that her mother even shared a "scorpion bowl" at lunch with this guy one day (and then drove with my daughter in the car, which is a whole different concern!). I think a lot of this time has been spent without the current husband around.

The bottom line is that I am seeing what appears to be a re-emergence of a pattern of behaviors that I am unfortunately very familiar with. Given Jane's history, I think my concerns are legitimate. I don't really care about how this impacts the new husband. It would be karmic justice if it only affected him, as far as I'm concerned. Unfortunately, such behavior doesn't just affect the new husband. My only concern is that Jane may once again be cheating, or is certainly tempting fate, and that this could lead to another messy divorce, which would hurt my daughter in ways I don't even want to think about. She would lose a family that she's become close to.

What do I do here? How do I confront Jane about my concerns? Is it even appropriate for me to do so? I just want to do whatever I can to protect my child in this mess. It took her several years to adjust to one new reality. I don't want her to have to start all over again if her mother is being as selfish as I think she is. Am I way off-base here?

– Concerned Father in Boston

Q: Meredith,

I just recently separated from my wife of 15 years. Totally my fault. I was not totally happy in my marriage so I had an affair. Not the right thing to do, but can't change the past. I know that it will be a tough road ahead, but I made my bed and now I am lying in it.

Here is my dilemma. My high school sweetheart, who was also married, is also in the process of a divorce. We have started chatting again -- nothing serious -- but talking/texting/emailing. I told her that I did still have feelings for her after all these years. It was a great relationship, but it ended quickly when I went off to college. She agreed that there was unfinished business, but she did not want to be the reason that I got divorced.

Since I moved out, I have asked her out a few times but something always comes up. I am thinking I may be too sensitive? Maybe she does not want to go out, maybe she does -- but why does she not have the same time table I do? Am I crazy for being so sensitive? Every time I decide that I am not going to contact her, she calls or text me!

When we dated in high school she had seen a movie, Mr. Destiny. The theme of the movie is: "Would you give up everything you have ever had for everything you ever wanted?" At the time I said no, because she was what I had, but now is she everything I ever wanted?

Help?

– Mr. Destiny, Central Mass.

Q: Dear Meredith,

I have recently ended a relationship with a wonderful guy. Let's call him Mr. Green. He was my stab at "green dating" (the recycling of ex-boyfriends) after my marriage of 15 years ended. Mr. G contacted me out of the blue via Facebook almost a year after my breakup and we reconnected there. We have spent the past 2+ years in a relationship that I knew was doomed from the start.

I was honest with him from the get-go. I am not interested in ever being married again or even living with another man. I enjoyed his company, he was great with my kids, but the same issues we had 20+years ago were still valid. We are just ultimately not compatible. He has never been married and has his own emotional issues. He's a wonderfully sensitive guy and I love him very much but love isn't enough.

I ended the relationship last year but accepted a friendship with him. It was infrequent visits at first but then it became a monthly thing. We became friends with benefits and I felt like we were back in the thick of it again. I wasn't feeling compelled to go out there and meet others, nor was he.

One of our major differences is that I am demonstrative of my feelings and he lives in an emotional straight jacket. I get why, but it doesn't make me want to stay with him. I have now ended it for good and this time there will be no "friendship." I still care for him, I am still alone and he is too. Seeing each other will end up only one way. It’s unproductive for both our lives.

He is hurt that I won't be his friend. He says it's unprogressive of me, someone who prides herself on being a liberal-minded person. Am I wrong to not try to just be his friend? Can lovers really be friends after such intimacy? More than the proverbial innocuous holiday email that some exes can share, I don't believe you can just be friends without that tension or those old feelings coming up. Maybe I just wear my feelings too outwardly? Maybe I should restrain my feelings like him. Or maybe we just can't be friends. What do you think?

– Green Dater, Boston

Q: Hey Meredith,

For the last couple of months I have been in what we'll call a "deep discussion" with my wife and I would like some help with the following question: Does your spouse have the right to look through your mobile phone?

Before you answer let me give you a little background. My wife and I have been married for a little over a year now. We are both in our 40s; I'm on the short end and she is on the long end of 40. We were both previously married. She's been divorced for more than a decade and I've been divorced for about a year (if you do the math, we didn't date long, a little over a year, before getting married). One other important note is that I have two children who are under 10.

So back to the question. I've noticed that my wife has been looking through my mobile phone for about four months now. About three months ago I asked her why she was looking. (I had nothing to hide and didn't really care. I thought she would find it boring and soon stop). Her answer was that she wanted to know how many times I was talking to my ex-wife. My ex and I have put our past aside and we now have a business-like relationship to raise our two kids. I have explained this to my wife since day one but she still gets visibly upset when my ex-wife calls, which is not often.

In the last two months she has started questioning me about every local number she does not recognize. Every time this has happened, I've explained who it was. I keep asking her why she does not trust me and why is she going through my phone. The only real answer I get is: "Because I can.”

Well, last night it all came to a head. I think this was being a little passive-aggressive but I deleted my phone history to see what she would do. As a result we got into a huge argument. I asked her again why she had to go through my phone, and the answer was: "Because as your wife I can.”

After discussing this topic for an hour or so, I told her I would post this question to our friends on Facebook to see how they would respond. But instead I wanted to ask you.

Is there a right or wrong answer to this question? Does my wife have a truck load of baggage that I missed or am I just in way over my head. Any advice would be most helpful. I love me wife to bits but not sure how much longer I can put up with this.

– Should I Stay or Should I Go...NOW!!, Boston

Q: Dear Meredith,

I can hardly believe I am writing this. But here it goes:

A few years ago, I got involved with someone. I was married at the time and he was allegedly single. We had been talking as friends online for years before that. I never thought I would do that, but I did. I had been trying to save my marriage on my own for many years and I finally succumbed to the temptation of someone new. Let's call him Steve. During this time I never once lied to anyone about my current state. My then husband knew exactly where I was and even knew who I was with. I went away weekends with Steve and my husband knew. I knew my marriage was over for good then.

I fell head-over-heels in love with Steve. He was everything I ever wanted in a man. Then I learned Steve was indeed still married. I should have walked away then but it was too late. I was in love, my marriage was over, and he assured me his was over long before he met me. I came to find out that he had walked away from his marriage several times prior to meeting me but that he always went back for the sake of his young child.

After I divorced my husband I found a place. It was with the understanding that once my divorce was final, he would start to finalize his.

He didn't. The first excuse was he didn't have the money to do so.

We broke up for a while after that. He wanted to come back. I told him I wasn't taking him back until he moved forward with his divorce. He promised me he was going to and had even talked to his wife about it and she agreed to the divorce. He moved in with me, and I let him borrow the money he needed to get his divorce done. His excuse then was we needed to wait until we were settled into our house together. That was in the spring.

I put my foot down again this summer and told him he had a month to file his divorce papers. He said he would, he made a lame attempt to do the paperwork ... but it sits uncompleted and unfiled.

I've made another demand for it to get done and this time the excuse is he's afraid of losing his son (ridiculous -- they have a great relationship) and his retirement to a divorce.

Please, Meredith and readers, give me the kick in the pants I obviously need. He's never going to divorce his wife and I really need to move on.

– Needs a Good Kick in the Pants, Mass.

Q: Meredith,

I have been in a long-term, long-distance relationship with someone that I care for deeply. We are both mid-50s, have already had our families, have each had substantial therapy, and now have a loving relationship based on sincere open and honest communication.

The long-distance is not a problem -- we actually like it -- but he's still married after many years and that has become a problem for me. I got my divorce finalized a few years ago and am so relieved to have it over. He has not moved on his divorce, claiming he didn't want "to rock the boat" when he moved out. Now, years later, his not-yet-ex has calmed down but is still a loose cannon. He says being technically married doesn't or shouldn't matter. He feels guilty about hurting her feelings. I think he is intimidated by her and afraid for how she might take it out on their children, plus, he doesn’t want to pay for a divorce lawyer. If he is waiting for her to make the first move, she has no motivation. It's never going to happen. She has the big house and all the trappings of a suburban housewife without letting on to the rest of the world what is really happening.

Despite our pride in our honest, open relationship, he has had a brick wall about this subject until I made an issue of it recently. We have no plans to get married; we don't even plan to move to one coast or the other. I truly do not think he would ever go back to his wife. Every day when he tells me he loves me, in the back of my head I think, "... but not enough to get divorced." And every day when I tell him that I love him, in the back of my mind I think, "... but I can't completely because he's not really available."

I don't know if I'm off base here. My usual reaction would be to cut and run, but everything else is so good with him. In the spirit of our openness, I kept talking and did not give up and neither did he. He finally realized that he had to explain himself to me and at least told me of the guilt factor. If the guilt is so strong, why doesn't he make amends?

Am I making this into too big a deal? Does it matter? Is this a deal breaker? Or is it ill-fated? I'm tired of dating a married man.

– Limbo Lady, Boston

Q: I've been in a relationship with "Kevin" for about two years. We're both in our late thirties/early forties. I love the time I spend with him. We travel a lot and spend time with my young child and his young kids. Our lives have merged nicely together over the last year or so -- family dinners with the kids, vacations, the whole nice family scene. So when Kevin asked my child and me to move in with him and his kids, it only seemed natural. He suggested we buy a house together.

But I'm having second thoughts. He says he's not ready to get married. His first marriage ended in a very bad divorce. I sense that he's gun-shy about doing it again. I get that. My divorce was no picnic either.

My big concern is that he'll never be "ready." It recently occurred to me that people don't stay around his life for very long. The people that have been around more than a few years are either colleagues -- or high school buddies who like to hang out at his really nice house. People stick around if there's a financial aspect to the relationship.

It's the people he knows on a purely social level that seem to disappear after a while -- neighbors, parents of his kids' friends, etc. If they just faded away naturally, I wouldn't be so concerned, but at least three former friends have told him off about something and angrily stopped talking to him -- all of them women. From the stories his kids tell, it seems that these people used to spend a lot of time with them – birthdays, weekend trips, etc. I've asked him what happened, and the explanation always centers on some minor disagreement. He can't understand why the person would "overreact" like they do and then he claims the person is "crazy." I haven't met any of these people and I don't know enough about the arguments to know if these people are crazy or not, but it's weird for it to happen over and over again.

I also have reservations about his divorce. He still refers to his ex-wife by a derogatory nickname -- even in front of the kids. He'll tell anyone who listens that the divorce was all her fault. He also has no explanation for why she left other than "she's crazy." Then he will go on and on about everything he did for her and how he couldn't understand why she wouldn't be happy. My husband left me, too, and it took me by surprise, but years later I have some insight into how our marriage broke down. Kevin has no insights like that at all. It's all very strange and uncomfortable and I'm not convinced he's over her.

This leads me to wonder if he's capable of a stable, long-term relationship with anyone, especially a woman. Our relationship seems wonderful. He and I and our kids have a nice life going here. Am I the next "crazy" person to leave in a huff or should I stop worrying about it? Should I move in with him and see how it goes or insist on a marriage proposal?

– Am I The Next Crazy One?, Massachusetts

Q: Dear Meredith,

This is a tough letter for me to write. I am a 30something wife and mother of two small children. My husband and I have had numerous relationship problems over the past few years that have basically left me on emotional life support. I have not cheated physically on my husband; my father cheated on my mother which left me absolutely repulsed by the thought of infidelity. I have been leaning on one of my close male friends during this time for support. This includes after-hours talking, texting, other contact, lunches together, etc. It has also included the occasional hug, hand-holding, and that sort of minimal physical contact. My husband is aware of our friendship and has already once falsely accused me of cheating. To say that I feel closer to my friend than my husband at this point is absolutely true. I am trying to figure out a way to extricate myself from my marriage that leaves the least negative impression on my children (my primary concern). But in the meantime, this thought keeps coming up (and hence my question)... is what I am doing "emotional cheating"? What is emotional cheating? Does the fact that I am closer emotionally to a man that isn't my spouse make me a cheater?

– Haunted by the Thought, Boston

Q: Hi Mere,

The short summary of my question is: How do I indicate to a lady friend that I'm no longer interested in her? My situation is complicated because (a) I previously did indicate that I had an interest in her but was unavailable (I was responding to her asking me out); and (b) the way she's acting right now is why I'm no longer interested. She seems to be making bad life choices.

The background: We worked together and became friends. We're in our 40s and have similar interests. She is divorced.

When she first expressed an interest in me, it was probably because I was showing new signs that I was single. I was flattered that she showed interest in me and told her so, but explained that I was still married and would be for a while for many reasons. I feel I made the mistake of agreeing with her assessment that "it was too bad, because we both seemed very compatible."

We remained friends and while we continued to talk, I didn't notice anything different or troubling about our interactions. I also got the impression that she had started to see someone -- and I was happy for her. Meanwhile, I did start my divorce proceedings and moved away from my wife.

The potential complication is that a mutual friend recently informed me that my friend is wondering what she should do about her current guy now that I'm "available." I'm thinking "Nice ... but wow, what if I was in his shoes? That wouldn't be nice.” This also tells me that another invitation from her is headed my way.

To complicate this, I've learned from friends that they really feel I ought to stay as far away from her as I can. Apparently, she has dated a married man we both know. This has since been confirmed to me.

My assessment is that this woman might be going through a big rebound phase. I think that she'll come back to earth eventually and be somewhat the same person I liked as a friend -- and maybe a potential partner. I can take the high road and say, "I've met someone else, sorry...," which is a downright lie. Or I can tell the truth and say, "I was very concerned seeing you date inappropriate people and that's just not the type of person I'd like to start a new relationship with."

So have at it advice givers. Give me some food for thought. I'll make up my own mind, but how would "you" handle this if you were in my shoes and you received a re-invitation?

– How do I handle this?, Massachusetts

Q: Hello Meredith and fellow LL devotees,

I'm desperate for your advice, or at the very least, a reality check. Help a girl out.

I am in my mid-20s and have been in a wonderful, loving relationship for about a year and a half. (I always hate letters that start out like this -- my initial reaction is always something along the lines of "so shut up and be happy!") My boyfriend is in his early 30s and is everything I have ever wanted or looked for, and I'll spare you the nauseating list, but it stretches long and far. It has not always been smooth sailing for us, and we've had to navigate some tricky situations -- he has a child from a previous relationship and is a very involved father -- but we always seem to find a way around the difficulties. We both truly believe we were meant to find one another, and we are better people with each other than without.

The problem is not my boyfriend, but his female friend. She works with my boyfriend and was around long before I came into the picture. They carpool, she helps with his son, and she is a regular fixture in both of their lives. Although they do not usually socialize on weekends, she is invited to birthday parties and other family events, and on a couple of occasions she has joined us out with friends or to eat. All of this is A-OK in my book.

Where I begin to have an issue is her feelings toward me. It was made clear to me before I met this woman that she has long carried an unrequited torch for my boyfriend. When he broke up with his child's mother, this woman made a not-so-subtle effort to start dating him. He always politely refused her invitations for one-on-one socializing, and soon after, he and I met and began dating. The first few times I met her last summer she was cold, snide, condescending -- all of which I expected from a woman scorned. I realized it would take her a bit of time to get over the slight and that eventually she might come around.

Unfortunately their carpooling routine seems to have prevented her from getting over anything. She still texts my boyfriend constantly, even on weekends. She is still very cold to me, even going so far as to be upset with my boyfriend for not "warning" her that I would be stopping by his house when she was still hanging around after carpooling one afternoon. She said she was "caught off guard" -- well, considering that my boyfriend lives here, and I am his girlfriend, I find that to be a tad ridiculous and presumptuous on her part.

This has become a big problem recently, as my boyfriend just purchased a new home. I assisted him financially with the purchase and after his child gets settled in the new house, the intention is to have me move in with them. My name is not legally on the mortgage, but this was very much a joint endeavor emotionally. We see ourselves in this house for many years to come and expect my name to go on the legal paperwork a few years down the road. This woman has been around to help my boyfriend with the move, and despite my deep involvement with the house, she continues to request to receive a "heads up" from my boyfriend when I will be there. Also, after hearing me talk about "our house," she expressed to him via text message (no snooping -- we are very open with our phones and I saw her message) that she is concerned that I'm under the impression that it's my house too and started asking if I was planning on moving any of my stuff in. In my opinion, none of the above is her business. But my boyfriend's response was measured -- he told her that it is legally his house, but that since I am his girlfriend, that makes it partly mine as well. Which is true, but his response felt like a tiptoe around her attacks rather than the rebuttal I was hoping he'd give.

Mere, is it wrong to expect my boyfriend to put an end to her hater parade once and for all? Am I being unrealistic or catty? I've asked my boyfriend to say something directly, but he feels too badly about "breaking her heart" and thinks I should just have some sympathy for her and let it go. She is no threat to our relationship, but I'm uncomfortable and angry still.

Gah. I'm baffled.

– She Can't Stop Being A Hater, CT

Q: Hi Meredith, et al.,

OK, so my question is the question that has probably been asked a zillion times.

Where do professional single women (no kids) over the age of 35 go to meet professional single men who are interested in dating women over 35?

I've tried the internet, meet ups, sporting events (participant and spectator), but it appears most men are interested in girls under 35. Those who are interested in the 36 and up range tend to be on the older side (like 50 and older). I am 37. I am looking to meet men between 33-45 (ideally).

I am attractive, educated, successful, outgoing, happy, blah, blah, blah, but I can't shake this feeling that my age is hindering my chances to meet a nice, available guy.

I've been told by my guy friends that men are scared of girls over 35 because these guys think the girls want to get married and pregnant right away. Is this true? Sure, I want those things, but I am not running around with a registry gun looking to pounce on the first single guy who asks me out.

I've also been told that I am at a "bad" age. This means that all the single guys in my age range are either on or past the threshold of being confirmed bachelors (in other words, they have issues). The rest are married. One friend told me that I am going to have to wait for the married men to divorce in order to find a decent guy. Yikes, really? I don't want to believe this either.

And just so everyone knows, I am very happy with my life. I don’t feel like I need a man to complete me; however, having a partner would be the icing on the proverbial cake.

So what's a girl (and all the other never married, single girls) to do?

I know these guys are out there.

– Where are they hiding?, Boston

Q: Hi there,

I am a lurker and occasional commenter, but now I find myself needing your (and your LL crew's) advice before I possibly screw up the most wonderful, fulfilling relationship I've ever been in. We have the best time together and I feel so safe when he's around.

I'm a 30-something single mom who's been divorced for almost a decade and there's no drama in that department -- except that I haven't been able to tell any man I've dated that I love him. I've been in a relationship with a genuinely sweet guy named "Ted" for the past year. For the first time in years I'm dying to tell Ted I'm madly in love with him. Here's the catch. He's freshly divorced single dad coming out of a horrible marriage. He's in the same mental place I was in so long ago. At the very beginning he said he didn't want to be alone, but didn't know if he could be in another serious relationship. Well, we've been in this fabulous relationship for the past year. I need to tell him I love him, but am so afraid he'll bolt because he'll realize he's been a serious relationship and suddenly feel boxed in. I NEVER want him to feel pressured to say he loves me too if he's not ready. I just need to tell him how I feel.

Please, what do I do? Do I tell him how I feel and hope for the best? Should I keep my mouth shut and hope eventually he'll tell me how he feels? It's been a year. Should I feel this anxious about saying "I love you" in the first place?

– Lovesick in Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

A married friend of mine (yes, this truly is a friend) in his early 30s confided in me more than a year ago that he's bisexual and that he had recently told his wife. She was a little blindsided, seeing as how they had been together for a long time, but she was very supportive. He realized that it would be tough having to suppress a side of him that he's never truly been able to explore, but he acknowledged that he wanted to make his marriage work.

When the topic came up between us, he always had indicated that the situation was going well and that he wasn't worried about the future. But soon enough, he and his wife told our group of friends that they were getting a divorce. They maintain that they are best friends and that there are no hard feelings, but it is a devastating situation for both of them. For financial reasons, they'll be staying in the same place for a while, which in my opinion isn't such a good idea. My wife and I are very close with both of them, as are all of our mutual friends.

I would appreciate some advice on how we (me, my friend, his wife, our group of friends, etc.) support this major change in our close friends' lives and make it easier for him and
his (soon to be ex-)wife to move forward. One issue that we (friends) have run into is deciding how soon to try to set either of these people up on dates or introduce them to other singles that we know. And while the friends have not taken a side, we have all agreed that if the ex-husband decides that he does in fact want to be with a woman after he tries dating men, and if that woman isn't his soon-to-be ex-wife, then more than a few of our female friends are going to be pretty angry with him.

– Looking to be supportive, Mass.

Q: "Brian" and I have been together for about a year. I'm in my early 30s and he's in his mid-40s. We had a friendly work relationship for several years. When my husband suddenly left me, Brian, who is divorced, was very supportive. We became lovers and he was my knight in shining armor during the worst period of my life. Things eventually got serious. Now we're inseparable. We spend every weekend together – mostly at his vacation house nearby. We take vacations when our kids are not with us. He regularly invites my friends and family to his beach house and is very generous with them. He recently asked me (and my kids) to move in with him.

I love the time we spend together, but something bothers me. I feel like I'm living his life, not mine. We talk a lot about his work. We spend time at his houses, and now he wants me to move into his house. If I want to do something that doesn't interest him, he suddenly has to work or do something with his kids. If I suggest something that prevents him from going to his vacation house, he won’t do it. It's not that I don’t like going down there, but can’t we do something that’s my idea once in a while?

This extends to my family and friends, too. Every time one of them invites us to a get together, he seems to have an excuse not to go. He's OK with me going by myself but he won't go with me. When he has gone, he's been uncomfortable. He loves to have my friends and family on his turf and he's a totally different person in those situations.

I was also upset with him last summer when one of my close relatives was seriously ill. This relative had to have a procedure in Boston and I wanted my boyfriend to come with me for support. Instead, he stayed home. He did call in occasionally to check on things but it wasn't the same as him being there.

It seems that if something isn't about him or his interests, he's won’t do it. He’s even like that with kids. Brian gets this glazed look in his eyes when they talk about what happened in school, but if they talk about one of his interests, he's all ears. I've also noticed that his kids don’t seem to have any hobbies that don't match one of Brian's interests.

I've tried addressing this issue with him but every time I bring it up, he always argues something like "I thought you liked going to the beach" and then accuses me of being ungrateful. He also thinks I don't understand how busy he is with work and his kids. But if he has time to go to the beach regularly, is he really sacrificing something that important to do something on my terms?

I don't know, maybe he's right. Maybe I expect too much of him. He is very generous and very busy with work and his kids. Brian is everything I’ve looked for -- smart, ambitious, adventurous and much more -- and I'm very much in love with him. We have a nice life and we have a lot of fun together. Should I just be grateful for what I have or potentially ruin a good thing by expecting more?

– Why Can't It Ever Be About Me?, Boston

Q: My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for two years. We have the most wonderful relationship. He is kind, considerate, helpful, affectionate, and loving. We have both been married before -- and they weren't good marriages. I have heard my boyfriend say to friends that he never wants to get married again. I would actually be OK with that since I don't think I am ready for that either.

Here is where I get confused. A few times, he HAS made hints that he wants to marry me. Example: We were driving through New Hampshire and I read aloud a sign that said "danger falling rock," and he responded, "Good, I hope it lands on your finger." The comment went over my head and I gave him a look like, "What, you want a rock to fall on my finger?" His response was, "Yeah, then I won’t have to buy you one." Another time around the holidays, he told me that his cousin said that he should by me a ring. He told me he laughed at his cousin and said "yeah right." Then he told me, "Maybe next year, no need to rush things, I don't want to put a time line on something like that."

Since he has said those things, he continues to tell people he doesn't want to marry again. I’m confused. What is your take on this? I will eventually bring it up if the topic ever arises again while we are alone. I just hope I'm not a dimwit and miss it like I did with the last ones.

– Curious in Love, Mass.

Q: Hi Meredith,

I am a married man in my early 30s. Been in Boston my whole life but moved to the West Coast two years ago with my wife in search of sun, beaches, and a job. I found the first two but the job is ever elusive. Found some temporary work here and there but nothing long term. During this time our relationship deteriorated and I started abusing substances. We argued constantly about our careers, finances, and how we didn't have a community of friends and family. On top of that, her family kept urging her to leave me and come back to the Bay State. Basically, we had very little support from family and friends since they were all back on the East Coast. I wanted to try some counseling, but obviously being a temporary employee you do not get any benefits so that was out of the question. We are very unhappy with each other.

Not too long ago, I started seeing this woman I met at a job. I knew it was extremely risky because I could get caught. But I found myself falling for her -- and this other woman does not know I have a wife. I'm just unsure of what to do. I know I can never get away with it, eventually someone will find out. I also run the risk of losing them both and ending up with nothing but my miserable self. Furthermore, I'm not sure how this other woman feels about me. What should I do? I've always been told I should do whatever makes me happy. I'm much happier with this other woman, but things are moving real slow. I think I'm just a "rebound" guy for her, since she just got out of a relationship. So my options are go back to an unhappy marriage and try to work it out, or pursue someone else who may or may not feel the same. Any advice?

– CaliforniaGurlz

Q: Dear Meredith,

Let me start by getting the facts out of the way. We are mid 30s/early 40s, both divorced years ago. We each have children who are mid-late teens. Kids are great and all get along really well. Have known each other for about 5 years, in a serious relationship for a few years. We both dated and had relationships after our divorces, so not a "rebound" by any means. We have taken our time getting to know each other. There is talk of moving in together and marriage, but neither of us is in any rush. We don't want any more kids.

I know how lucky I am to have found an amazing, wonderful man. We have a fantastic relationship. Communicate well. When he kisses me, I still get goose bumps. When he walks into the room, I am always mesmerized by him. As cheesy as it sounds, my heart still flutters when I am around him. It's perfect. Really.

So then why, at times, do I feel that I should just be alone? Let me clarify this. Maybe every six months or so, I wonder if I am just not meant to be in a relationship. I have always been kind of a free spirit, independent, spur-of-the-moment kind of woman. While my boyfriend has never tried to tame that side of me, once you are in a relationship, it just naturally changes because you have someone else to consider when making these last-minute decisions. (To clarify, I am a very responsible mother and these last-minute trips/things I do have been when the children were with their father.)

These feelings, I have noticed, tend to come up when I am driving up the coast alone with the top down.

I haven't really broached the subject with my boyfriend yet because I don't want him to think I want to break up with him and I certainly don't want to scare him off. But is what I am feeling normal? I just don't have anything to compare it to. My marriage was unhealthy and needed to end. So now that I have found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, I am scared by what these feelings mean. Do other people feel this way? Is there something I can do that will quell these feelings? Should I stop driving up the coast alone and/or change the music I am listening to?

Thank you!

– Is Love Enough?, Boston

Q: I am a divorced woman in my early 30s. I am of the mindset that you can fall in love several times, especially when the right person comes around. For the last three years, I've had an increasingly friendly relationship with a coworker who is married.

Because of the nature of our work, we have spent many hours together in social settings. In the last year, our relationship became closer, as we would text, email, and discuss everyday minutia and work. We would also find ourselves running errands or doing activities together that we both enjoy.

Eventually, our relationship changed. He confided in me that his life at home was not good and that he had feelings for me. At this point I backed off and told him that he should concentrate on his life and work things out at home. I always had feelings for him, but I knew that he was married and that I had to keep those feelings to myself.

That lasted a very short time. I felt such a connection to him and it was difficult to go back to that "he's not available" mindset knowing that he had feelings for me. At that point it seemed like things intensified. Before we knew it, we were right back in an inappropriate relationship. After some time, I again tried to stop communication with him, but because of work, would still end up around him where he would say things that would lead me to believe that he wasn't sure what was going on with his relationship.

I know that he is married, I know that he isn't going to leave his wife, but there is a part of me that can't let go of the connection we have. If he were single, this would be an amazing relationship. I've been miserable not being able to talk with him and so we recently met to digest everything that has happened over the last months and mutually decided that we could remain friends, but without the constant contact we had been having. He also made it very clear that his relationship with his wife is still undecided. My question is, is it morally wrong for me to remain friends with him? Or should I just do the strong woman thing and move on and forget?

It isn't easy for me to find meaningful relationships. My struggle is that I know deep down inside that I may be keeping him close just in case ... just in case he does leave his wife or just in case it makes it easier for him to leave his wife. I don't want to be a homewrecker, but I also don't want to lose a very meaningful relationship in my life either. I know that the rational thing to do is to stop all communication with him and move on, but my heart is telling me otherwise.

– Knows the Right Thing to Do but Hopeful, NYC

Q: Dear Meredith,

My husband and I have been together for 30 years (high school sweethearts). Neither of us has ever "been" with anyone else. We have two kids, a nice home, nice friends, and everyone thinks we have the perfect marriage. I included myself in that until about six months ago when he started to question whether he is in love with me or not. That's when I found out about it, but he says he's been feeling it for much longer.

He hasn't come near me for months, and there was some trouble prior to that. (Up until then, the sex was great). I have gained about 40 pounds since he met me, and he says that's part but not all of it. He feels like he doesn't know if he wants to be an empty nester with me. Depression runs in his family. He has a stressful job, and provides for almost all of the financial needs of our family. He's very athletic and I'm not, so we really don't have many common interests. In hindsight, I guess our marriage was far from perfect since he's never really been affectionate with me outside of the bedroom and that's something I think I need. Now that that the bedroom activity is gone, there's nothing. He says he's sorry, I didn't do anything wrong, he still loves me, but isn't in love with me.

Needless to say, I am beside myself. I feel rejected and blindsided by this whole thing. My question is this: Would you call this a mid-life crisis or depression? (We're both in our late 40s.) If so, how do these things usually end? I don't know how long is fair to wait it out before I have to move on. We had another blip on a much smaller scale many years ago, went to marriage counseling, but I don't really think it helped that much. I know I still love him, I don't want a divorce, but I also don't want to live my life in a loveless marriage.

– Lost In Limbo, Suburban Mass.

Q: Meredith,

I am a divorced father of a young child. I had a particularly rough marriage that had me on the receiving end of quite a bit of verbal abuse and a few incidents of physical abuse. The divorce wasn't much better and I had to fight for fair visitation. All the while, with mounting legal expenses, I lost my home to foreclosure.

During the divorce process and in the months following its completion, I had two relationships. The first one was with someone who had commitment issues. The second relationship was long-distance and had all the early signs of becoming just volatile as my marriage.

Needless to say, neither of those relationships were healthy and I turned to professional therapy to attempt to figure out why I kept finding myself in situations where I allowed other people to walk all over me. Therapy helped me make a lot of positive changes in my life.

Last fall, I had managed to pull myself enough out of debt to make the decision to move back out of my parents' home and get my own place. Shortly after that, I met a great woman. She is supportive of me and understanding of my deficiencies. Where I am forgetful and a daydreamer, she is organized with lists and has her feet firmly planted on the ground. Most importantly, she is amazing with my child. I think she will make a great step-mom someday.

There are a few problems that I am wrestling with, however. I have felt constant pressure from her about when I am going to be comfortable moving in together. I am in my 30s and she is in her late 20s, and I think that maybe she's feeling more urgency to make that leap than I am.

I have tried to explain my side of the situation, which is that I have only just gotten myself out of the financial mess from the divorce, and just moved out on my own, and that I need time (for both myself and my child) to settle into this new situation. More importantly, I feel an overwhelming responsibility to prove to myself that I can handle life on my own before having someone else move in with me.

She is uncomfortable without a timeline, so I recently suggested that at some point, we should maybe think about spending a few weeks with her staying at my place just to see how it goes.

At first she thought it was a great idea, but now she's upset about it because she already spends most of the week at my place and doesn't understand what more could be learned from spending a few weeks here. Perhaps she is right, but the idea of it made me feel a lot more comfortable and prepared to have a discussion about where we're at. After all that I've been through, I need reassurance that I am making the right decision and not rushing into anything.

I am disappointed that she is not understanding to my need to take it slow. Is she right? Am I making her suffer and wait because of my relationship history? Or am I just doing what I need to do to make sure I don't repeat the mistakes of the past?

– Thrice Burned, Once Shy

Q: I'm a TWICE divorced father in his late 40s. Meeting new people has never been easy for me and now that I'm older, it feels impossible.

I don't like being alone so much. I feel like I lose touch somehow. I'd love to meet someone with whom I really "connect," whatever that means. However, all the "Date-dot-com" websites seem so one-dimensional. I can't discern any spark or attraction from a coyly smiling face, quarter turned, and a caption that reads "Searching for my soul mate.”

Enter the first ex-wife; when it was good, it was GREAT, but when it was bad …

She reasons that it was the lack of maturity that brought about our demise more than 15 years back, and that, in retrospect, "we were made for each other." I see that she doesn't want to be alone; she's currently seeking her second divorce. Neither do I, but I'm finding it very difficult to reconcile what went wrong in the past with the here and now.

Is a rekindling reasonable or simply a reach for a past that no longer exists? Is there a someone for whom we were "made"?

– AloneinBoston

Q: Somehow, after much resistance, I tried online dating. The men on the site seem to have a laundry list of wants and it scared me. I found one guy who sounded pretty relaxed and somehow I found the courage to go on a date with him. He was going to be my first date and my last, just to say I tried online dating. That was five months ago.

For five months this guy adored me. We talked all day on text and spoke every night. He couldn't believe he found me, loved me more than any man has, and we had so much fun together.

Problem? He wasn't divorced yet. Specifics were being worked out. They no longer lived together but kids were involved.

We had some hiccups and worked through it. I thought we were in a good place, but then I saw some postings on Facebook. Some girls were pretty flirty and hitting on him. I definitely had to bring it up. Until that point we didn't discuss how serious we were, but he had told me I'm the girl for him, he couldn't believe how right it felt, he thought about me all day, etc. If he wasn't with me he was with his kids. I thought we were just with each other. I didn't rush any girlfriend/boyfriend discussion because I knew he was just out of a long relationship and I didn't need a title. I had met his kids, his family, and his friends. He had met my family and friends and he initiated most of it.

After seeing the FB posts I finally asked him if he dated other people. He answered back and was mean. Barked back that he had. It felt like I was punched. He exploded and left saying he wants to be with me every minute, thinks about me all the time, but has no idea what he is doing. He was in a relationship for so long he had no clue what he wanted.

I have never been involved with or near a divorce. I do not understand the feelings involved there. He was in an unhappy relationship for many years and is free of her, can't believe he found me, but walked away from me?

Do I walk away? He's pushing me away and I'm so scared he forgets what we had because he has so much going on? Should I be angry? Where do I go from here? How do I go on from here being intertwined for 5 months? HELP....

– Heartbroken, MA

Q: Dear Meredith,

It's very painful for me to write this letter because I'm a middle-aged man who is considering leaving a loving but troubled wife, and I would like to have primary custody of our two young children. My question to you and your readers is: When is it time to leave?

I'd describe myself as introspective, serious, and shy. I've always had a few friends and people generally like me, but until recently it has been hard for me to make friends out of acquaintances. By the end of college, I had never had a girlfriend. My self-esteem was so low that I honestly thought I might never find someone who would love me.

I was in this miasma when I first met my wife. I saw immediately that she's extremely intelligent, caring, attractive, athletic, and that she really liked me. She saw me as an honest and true person and admired my kindness. But from the start, she was also very critical of me, was constantly upset with me and tried to change almost everything else about me. Our relationship was completely imbalanced and I took all of her criticism to heart. After a year of trying to appease her and absorbing her anger, I finally meekly began to defend myself. She'd always say that things would get better after certain situations had passed -- like the death of a loved one, or a difficult apartment situation -- and I'd hope that she was right because she is an extraordinary woman.

If things hadn't gotten better bit by bit over time, we wouldn’t have stayed together, and there were a few golden periods. As is often the case, one of those golden periods led to the conception of our first child. But then, my wife immediately decided that independence and fun were now completely out of the question. Her anxiety and foul treatment reached new highs. Again I rode out the storm, hoping that life would improve as our little one grew up. Our second child is much loved but was unplanned.

Currently our relationship has recovered to some degree but we are struggling. Last week, my wife took a much needed four-day vacation with a girlfriend and I took time off from work to take care of our kids. To say I enjoyed those four days would be an understatement. With some help from family and friends I fed them, got them to their appointments, played with them, got them to bed on time for naps and the night, and generally had a great time. I expected my wife to return with new energy and the patience necessary to attend to our children, but have been sorely disappointed. Nothing has changed. She's constantly battling with them, me, and everyone else close to her.

So when is enough, enough? I am in therapy. She is in therapy. She's still miserable. I'm miserable when I’m around her and ecstatic when she's gone. Tom Waits sang "I wish to God you'd leave me, Baby, I wish to God you'd stay." We've lived that song, "Please Call Me, Baby," so many times that our movie would be a comedy not a drama. The inner peace I experienced during her absence last week came like a revelation. I even stopped reading Love Letters for that time. When I came back to work, I told myself why spend the time. Well, today, two days later, I remember why. Because my inner being is desperately searching for answers, and I want to do the right thing, but the world and my options all seem wrong.

– BG, I can't …

Q: Dear Meredith,

I'm a 39-year-old single professional living in Brooklyn and working in NYC. I have been in one serious relationship my entire life (that lasted only 1.5 years) but feel that I'm really ready to find "the one" and settle down. I'm originally from Boston and have only lived in NYC for 4 years. At my age, it's been tough to break into social circles and make new legitimate friends. I've been using Match.com to increase the number in the dating pool. I met a guy in December who is great. Super smart, super funny, super sarcastic -- in short, just my type. We've been dating regularly since then. We go out about once a week. We have a great time. We "talk" (read text) often during the week, but never really talk on the phone. We usually go out on Saturday nights and he stays over at my place.

I'm at a point where I would like to move to the next level and date him exclusively. We had "the talk" last week. He's not ready for a relationship. He wants to take things slow and though he thinks I'm great and that we have the potential to turn into something more, he doesn't want to rush into anything. I should mention that he is divorced. He was married for 10 years and has been divorced for about 3. After his divorce he jumped into a relationship with a girl that lasted about 10 months but ultimately it didn't work out. He feels like he doesn't want to make the mistake of rushing into anything again. He says that I'm the only person he's been seeing regularly, but that he has been on dates with other women. He also says that I am the only person that he is sleeping with.

I'm not sure what to do. He seems very sincere. Do I wait it out for a bit and hope that he comes around? I feel strongly that he has a lot of the qualities that I am looking for and he makes me feel really great when I am with him. Should I invest some more time in this and just see where it goes? Or am I just being naive? I haven't felt this strongly about someone in a long time.

– Wanting to Believe, Brooklyn

Q: Dear Meredith,

I'm a longtime lurker. And since I can't turn to my friends for advice, I thought I'd turn to yours. A few months ago, my best friend from childhood, "Stacey," got married. I was her maid of honor. Stacey's parents have been separated since we graduated high school but just haven't divorced yet (financial reasons). They live apart but in the same town. Anyway, at the wedding, I had more than a few drinks (after all, it was open bar and my job as MOH was to lead the fun). Stacey's dad, "Bob," and I started talking. A lot. When we were teens, Stacey's friends and I used to joke that her dad was hot. Well, wow. He actually is. There was a connection. Needless to say, it was awkward around Stacey's mom since she used to make us cookies all the time and here I am flirting with her almost ex-husband. He's my best friend's dad. It's weird, I know. But hey, at least I didn't throw a shoe! Anyway, after the wedding, Bob and I started dating. We didn't tell anyone. He makes me laugh, has great taste in wine, and well, let's just say that there's some benefits to dating an older, more experienced man.

I've wanted to tell Stacey but there really is no easy way to say it. Her parents are separated and are going to divorce, but it still really bothers her. Bob wants to tell her,
but I've been taking an "I'll deal with it tomorrow" approach. But here's the real problem. Bob has Red Sox season tickets. He has four seats for Opening Day. He wants to invite Stacey and her husband. And me. Can we say awkward? I know I need to tell Stacey and I certainly don't want a scene at Fenway. (I mean, it's the Yankees!). How do I tell her? I don't want to ruin anything. I am enjoying my time with Bob. I like him and I want to keep seeing him. I also don't want to lose my best friend. Do I just show up at the game with Bob and hope she doesn't flip out? Do I talk to her ahead of time? Does Bob tell her?

– I'm In Love With Stacey's Dad

Q: Hi Meredith,

I have been reading your column since before I moved back to this great city. On to my dilemma/question. I am a 56-year-old twice divorced guy. First marriage was when I was 19 and "did the right thing." Second one lasted 18 yrs until she decided she didn't want to be married anymore. I have been dating someone now for about six months and she recently told me that while she enjoys my company she doesn't see me as marriage material. When I asked her why, she commented that my "track record" makes me a poor candidate for marriage. Meredith, I was a good husband and father for 18 years and I am very much a relationship kinda guy.

Am I going to be blacklisted for life because of two marriages (one of which was at 19) that didn't work??? Is there still hope for someone my age to be able to find someone that can see past my track record?

– Back in Boston at last

Q: Hi Meredith,

I got divorced about a year ago and was released from a very unhealthy relationship. I have reached a point where I have a workable relationship with my ex, despite harboring some lingering resentment for her indiscretions and lack of respect of me. I'm getting over it -- but give a guy some time.

I am getting to the point where it is time to start looking outside myself for someone to share my life with. Herein lies the trouble. I am in my mid 30s and have three absolutely wonderful (young) kids. They spend half their time living at our home and half the time at home with their mom. They are doing well with it. I am proud to be a dad and I think I am a good guy. The challenge is that it doesn't seem that the women I'd like to date have interest in dating a successful, funny, single dad. On paper, I think I am the type of guy they are looking for -- until you get to the dad thing. What gives?

– Confounded Single Dad, North of Boston

Q: Hi Meredith,

I'm a divorced 30-something father (separated about 3 years ago) who has been trying to adapt to life after a nasty divorce. Now that the dust has settled, I can safely say that things between myself and my ex-wife "Jen" are amicable, although it is clear that we will never be friends again.

About a year ago, a close friend "Steve" (who is also divorced and now with someone else), without even the nerve to inform me, decided to end our friendship and has since barely uttered a word to me to the point that others are noticing his blatant avoidance. My understanding (based on observation) is that Steve became friends with someone who took my ex-wife's side in my divorce.

Over the summer, I ran into Steve's ex-wife "Mary" (whom I had not talked to since before Mary and her Steve separated) at a sporting event. We talked, caught up on old times, and swapped phone numbers -- with the intent of getting our children together. About a month later, Mary called me to arrange time for our children to see each other. At the play date, which had to wait a few weeks because of parenting schedules, everyone had a great time and my friendship with Mary resumed.

Fast forward about 2 months: Mary tells me that she had been thinking about me in a different light and wants to go out on a date with me (neither of us are seeing anyone now). She also told me that her pre-teen daughter has noticed Mary's reaction whenever my name has been brought up -- and offered an approval to us dating. Quite honestly, I am intrigued at the idea as well ... but is it OK to date the ex-wife of a former friend?

My gut feeling: It is none of Steve's business who his ex-wife dates; Steve chose to end our friendship (for whatever reason) and Mary and I are both free to date. So, what harm is there to see if there is more than a spark?

– Cautiously Interested In The Next Step, Boston

Q:Dear Meredith,

I am a 40something divorced mom of a grown child. I have been divorced for more than a decade. I have had several (3) long term relationships in that time, but all have failed to progress past the two-year mark for a few different reasons (ultimately, they were just not the right men for me).

I recently began online dating (again). I have tried it quite a few times over the years (all of the different sites). I recently met a man on a site and went out with him despite some misgivings about him being divorced a relatively short time. (About a year, according to his e-mail.)

We went out and had a fabulous time. We went out on a second date within a few days and had another great time. After this second date, he writes me an e-mail stating that he needed to come clean -- that he was not really divorced, he was only separated. He then told me that everything had been decided about the divorce agreement and he was staying with a friend and coming back to the family home to take the kids every other weekend. I was not comfortable with this, but I really liked the guy. So, I continued seeing him a few more times. After lots of chatting online and on the phone, (again, feeling like I was very connected to this guy) I started getting the feeling that he was not staying with a friend but still living in his marital home. I confronted him on this and he did admit that this was the case, but the marriage was over and it was just out of convenience that this was happening. I told him that I felt like I had been purposely misled by him and that I could not date someone who was still living with his wife, even if it was just because of the children (3 under age 10) or finances or under any other circumstances.

This guy got rather upset at me about this and could not understand how things were going along so well and then BAM, I changed my feelings for him. I tried to explain that it has been my practice for a long time not to date separated men. It has only been about 3 weeks since I met him and I feel that I was duped. Even though I felt we clicked, I do not think it's right to date someone that still lives in the marital home no matter what the circumstances are. I feel that the divorce process is agonizing and that he is doing a disservice to himself and his children by not focusing on the situation at hand and trying to begin a new romance with me. He has announced that he is moving out of the home in a few weeks in hopes that I will change my mind. (I feel his moving out has a lot to do with me and not really his own desire to move on, despite what he tells me.)

He just cannot understand why it's a good idea to wait to begin this relationship with me because he feels in his mind that he is 100 percent ready to move on because "his marriage was over for a long time before they decided to split." I think, at the very least, that it's going to take him 6 months to year to really get his life in order, move out, set a routine with his children and start getting his divorced finalized. (Another thing he is told me is that they will not be filing for divorce for at least a year, for financial reasons ---Something else I am not at all comfortable with) He thinks I should start back up with him after he moves out of the marital home. Am I being unreasonable to think that someone cannot move on in such a short time?

Should I just go with the flow and continue to see him because we clicked so well? I am going with my gut feeling, which I think is a good thing, but I just want a reality check from you and your readers. I also would like to say to this guy, "See, I am not being overcautious, the entire readership of Love Letters agrees with me!"

– No More Guys On the Rebound

Q: While on vacation over the summer, I met someone special. I had just recently separated from my husband of two years and was not in a good place emotionally. This stranger gave me a much needed compliment and we ended up exchanging contact information. We immediately began e-mailing, texting, and talking on the phone. He was giving me a reason to get out of bed everyday and I was inspiring him to be a better man.

Here's the catch, He's 24 and I'm 33. Although he is completely sober, he has had previous problems with drugs and alcohol. He calls me his angel because I have given him a reason to fight his addictions and make him realize that his past doesn't define who he is.

Through our lengthy conversations and complete respect for one another, we have fallen in love. We had an amazing weekend together and he has made me realize that my marriage lacked many things, as he has given me more respect than my husband ever did.

I know my biological clock is ticking and reality tells me that at 24, this man isn't going to be my future husband. The question is....is it wrong to continue a "forbidden love" with a man who cannot give me what I truly want in life or is is OK to continue my "friendship" with him as he makes me smile during a time of personal pain due to a failed marriage?

– Too Young?, Boston

Q: Meredith,

I am a 33-year-old guy who has been divorced for about a year and a half, and now I am having the same problem over and over. For history, while I have no proof that I was cheated on in my marriage, I think I was. The fact that someone (a friend of mine) moved in with my ex a month after I left makes me think so.

Now, anytime I meet someone I am interested in, I seem to have the same problem. Whenever I am with that person, I am funny, charming, confident, and very easy to get along with. But when I am not with them, I start thinking too much and can't get out of my own head. I seem to fall for people fairly fast and believe I come off too strong.

Just recently, I met someone I really like. She is successful and confident, and I think she would see any insecurities on my end as a turn off. She tells me how "we are quite similar" and that she enjoys my company, and that "the comfort we have had since day one has her a bit hesitant." The only word I hear is "hesitant" -- and now I'm just waiting for things to go bad. What is maddening is that my fears only take over when she's not around. What can I do?

– In My Head in New Hampshire

Q: I'm going to get this out fast before I lose the nerve to send my emotional distress out into the universe for judgment. I've been with my boyfriend for three years and we've lived together for half that time. I'm in my late 20s and he is in his late 30s, divorced with kids.

Our relationship progressed pretty quickly -- we fell in love and experienced all of the wonderful things about a new romance. Overall, everything has been really good between us. We laugh together, travel together, and have planned our future together. My only concern throughout our relationship surrounds his divorce. Boyfriend does not like talking about it, didn't willingly share information about it, and doesn't like to answer my questions about it. From the beginning I assumed that his divorce was final (he never said otherwise), but I recently found out that the divorce wasn't legally finalized until last year (around the time we moved in together). I had a feeling this was the case because certain things did not add up but he kept denying it. I didn't want to press the subject because it would always end up in a fight and I wanted to believe him. He finally confessed.

I have no doubts about his feelings toward me and his dreams of being with me forever. The ex-wife is a non-issue for us as they have been separated for years. The delay with the divorce was simply technical difficulties with paperwork. My question to you and the readers is -- will I be able to trust him now that I know he has withheld information? He admits that he made a mistake and assures me that he was trying to protect me because I didn't deserve to go through it and he was afraid he would lose me. I understand that divorce is just an official legal date but I feel misled. Does his fear of loss -- and his attempt to protect me from the mess of his past relationship -- justify his long-lasting lie? I have been told by people who have gone through divorce how devastating and embarrassing it can be, so does this qualify him for a second chance? My heart wants to be with him but my head tells me this is a deal breaker. Boyfriend tells me he has never been happier in his life now that he is with me, but I'm not feeling too happy at the moment.

– Follow My Heart or Throw In The Towel?, Boston

Q: I was married for six years, but left my husband after he turned into a controlling, conceited, self-absorbed hermit who thought his paycheck was where his contribution to our relationship began and ended. I left him -- and his financial security -- because I was losing myself and couldn't accept what my life had become.

Our divorce was quick. He was devastated but cooperative. Our post-divorce ties went on forever because of real estate that wouldn't sell in a bad market (the super-size house he saw as the route to his happiness was not popular with buyers).

He had intensive therapy, which led him to apologize for the years of bad behavior. He moved away, met a woman, and reported being really happy. At that point we tried to maintain a friendship. Six months into his new happy relationship, I had just started dating someone and didn't tell him because it was so new. He came back to town and hired people to do some work on the house and so that it would be easier to sell. I stayed with friends during this time.

My new boyfriend came by while a not-so-great contractor was working and pointed out areas of the work that were in dire need of improvement. He told the contractor not to mention his presence to my ex-husband because things were strained between us. Of course the contractor mentioned my boyfriend's presence when following up with my ex over the phone, and that resulted in my getting the silent treatment and a bitter e-mail asking about my boyfriend. This was almost two years after our divorce and more than six months into his new, happy relationship.

My ex and I now only interact by e-mail when there's official business that comes up. He was prone to temper tantrums, making me want to opt for as little communication as possible. When we do communicate, it's with a fake friendliness. We still have some mutual friends, and our parents still keep in touch a few times a year. I don't know where he's living and don't really care to ever see him again. I do know he's still with the same person he met a few years ago.

My quandary: my boyfriend and I are planning on eloping (we very much want to make a lifelong commitment but don't want to deal with the hoopla and expense of a wedding). What is the right thing to do -- should I tell my ex when we are married? And if so, by what means? I don't want to deal with drama and I don't know if there would be more drama if I did or didn't tell him, and he's bound to find out by some other means.

– Happily Moved On, Providence

Q: I'm 32 years old, successful, lots of friends, active in the community in a lot of ways, very social, and what my male friends call a "head turner."

I have also been divorced for just over a year (two-year marriage -- he had an emotional affair and was seriously mentally ill).

I can't get a boyfriend. I've met plenty of men in the year since my divorce and they seem interested in two things -- my friendship or getting me into bed. And that's it. I've heard every excuse under the sun why NOT me -- "I'm not ready for a relationship." "I already met someone." "The timing is off." "Just not interested." I'll go on one date, but they get so turned off by me that there's never a second date. But none will ever tell me why.

Am I too intimidating? What do I need to change about myself to get a man to look at me as girlfriend material?

I've lived a pretty interesting and full life at 32 years -- won some major awards for my work, lived some interesting places, and met some cool people. I've been lucky and blessed. I love my friends, I (generally) love my job, I am responsible financially (occasionally shoe purchase not withstanding), and I don't beat my dog.

I just don't get it.

I watch guys I'm interested in pick other girls and I keep asking, “Why not me?"

As the same time all of this is happening, my ex-husband wants to reconcile and I don't know what to do. He loved me, he was great to me until the emotional affair/his illness spiraled out of control. Plus, while he's claiming celibacy the last year, I certainly have not (he left me - not the other way around).

In short, I'd kill for a boyfriend -- someone to talk to and spend time with. But it's like all those positives work against me. Men don't seem to want confident, pretty, smart, outgoing women.

I have plenty of male friends, but that's all they see me as - a "little sister." Not "girlfriend material."

While I'm not sure I want to get married again, a part of me is so painfully lonely that I'm tempted to reconcile with my ex just to be with SOMEONE.

What's it gonna take? I'm at my breaking point. I come home and cry almost daily over this because I feel so deficient and like a failure. I go to the therapy and she tells me there's nothing wrong with me. While mentally I believe that, my heart thinks I have leprosy of some sort.

– Leper of Dating, Waltham

Q: A few years ago my husband and I were separated for six months. We both felt like our marriage was ending -- we were living far from family and friends and we had no resources (like counseling) available to help us deal with it. The situation was miserable but we resolved to maintain a friendly co-parenting relationship. I moved back to Boston for work with our two small children -- absolutely the toughest months of my life. After a few more months, he landed a job here and moved.

Well, many of our older problems started to seem kind of trivial and we discovered that there were some very strong parts of our 10-year relationship that had survived. It seemed natural to start spending all our free time together, and after a few months he moved back in. He still tells me every day how much he loves me and how grateful he is for this second chance. We're making plans for buying a house. We're talking about having more children (we had both always dreamed of a big family). We have great friends and family who are happy to see us back together. And thankfully our children barely remember the time we were separated. Sometimes it seems like a bad dream -- although we both learned a lot about ourselves during that time and hopefully came out of it wiser.

Our relationship had several issues that led to the separation. We were married young and after 10 years, there were still issues both of us needed to resolve. But the immediate trigger was (of course!) another woman. She was quite a bit younger and she believed whatever he told her -- that he already planning to leave me, that he was sleeping on the couch, that he was staying around for the kids, etc. Now that we're back together, she still holds onto the idea that he's just sticking it out with me until our children grow older and will then be "free" again. She still e-mails him and tries to make plans with him occasionally. He answers her e-mails but hasn't seen her in person -- mostly he just tells her he's busy.

I would like him to set the record straight with her and explain that he was not quite so "finished" with his marriage as he made it appear. He doesn't think it's right to burden her with the knowledge that he lied and says she'll eventually figure out that he's serious about staying in our marriage and growing old with me. He says she's naive and a bit silly but genuinely a nice person and he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. What do you think? Would it be kinder for him to tell her the truth? It would certainly make me feel better, but then again, he hasn't done anything in these few years to give me a reason to worry and I don't want to be paranoid about this.

– The Other Woman Won't Give Up, Boston

Q: Hi everyone. I'm a longtime lurker, infrequent commenter, and have found myself with a question I'm unable to answer, so I figured it was time to put it out there to those with more experience. I'm in my early 40s and newly divorced after a 21-year marriage. I was shy and socially awkward in high school and college, and my ex-husband was really my only relationship, so I have a lot to learn.

After so long with one partner, I had decided that I was not going to date for a while, instead taking the time to figure out who I am "uncoupled," and what I want for myself (and my child) as I move forward through all this. However, in April I met someone through a friend of a friend and he and I started talking. Neither one of us was looking for anything from the other, especially since we live about an hour apart, but we found ourselves having a lot in common. We went from talking online every few days to phone calls to dating, in what has felt like a very natural progression.

So I guess my question is this: I've often read and heard that the transitional relationship is doomed. Is that always true? In spite of trying to go slowly and carefully, I'm really finding myself falling for this man. We enjoy each other's company, we're learning a lot from each other, and the um ... pajama parties ... are incredible. Because we came into this as friends first, we are really honest with each other, and he's not pushing me to go any faster than I am comfortable.

Am I worrying over nothing? Should I just shut up and enjoy this whatever-it-is and stop thinking about where it might lead? Why does it rattle me so much that we had our picture taken together this weekend? (Okay, so I guess I have more than just one question, but that one I asked first is the big one.)

– Nervous Nellie, Providence

Q: I don't know if this is a topic that fits in with love letters exactly, but I am going to ask away. A very good friend of mine recently got divorced. We are both 34. He was married for nearly seven years, and he and his wife were together years before that. In the time that he was with his former wife, basically all of our friends (myself included) got married and started having children. When we were young, we all lived in the city and went out all of the time. A few of us still live in the city, but for the most part, everyone has moved out into the suburbs somewhere.

My friend’s wife left him out of the blue. They had some minor issues and a larger one over when to try to start a family, but he was blindsided when she said she wanted to move out and get a divorce. That was earlier this year.

Since then it has become clear that he is completely panicked about ending up alone and does not really know where to begin to find someone new. When we go out as friends, we aren't going out anymore like we did when we were in our 20s. Now it's just a meet-up after work for a beer and some dinner, or to get together on the weekend to watch a game. But most nights I am home and in bed in time to watch “The Daily Show.”

Because of this, I think he constantly feels nervous about being alone and feels pressure to take advantage of any possible situation he comes across. Any sort of encounter with a single female he gets nervous and awkward. He thinks every chance might be his last. I know he eventually wants children and that's just adding to the pressure. And these chances to even meet someone are infrequent, and they involve situations where there is little to no chance of success (he may try to talk to a waitress, bartender, etc.). Most nights end with him just going home by himself to a big house that he used to share with his wife, and it is just empty. And I know that is hurting him the most -- the time at home with his thoughts.

So, I guess what I am asking for is any advice that I may be able to pass on to him, or any advice for me as his friend, and what I can (or can't) do to try to help?

– Concerned for my friend, Weymouth

Q: So it has come to this. I cannot waste any more of my oh-so-fleeting free time analyzing the relationship I've found myself in for the past 12 months. I am divorced -- married three years, divorced for three years. Physically/emotionally ignorant, abusive ex-husband. An aberration to my upbringing and to my own 32-yr-development of healthy self esteem and identity. Guess I was trying to help/save him. Played like it always does. For three years I've been back to me. Love myself (not narcissistically), LOVE my 5-yr-old daughter (father is the erratic ex), have the best family, and am grateful for every waking moment. Really.

I met "Counterpart," we'll call him, last summer. He was separated for maybe four months from his wife of three years and lived apart from her for that time. He and I have been seeing each other once or twice a month to date since then. His divorce was legally finalized in March. Here's the cute part: we grew up together and were each other's childhood crushes beginning in kindergarten, ending in first grade, but continuing to have the same experiences in the same places w/ mutual friends up until age 22. We moved to different places, thought it would be good to get married to others in our mid-20s per script. His wife, from his explanation, was not nice i.e., which, always wanted her way, got her way, dragged him around until he lost his cool, witty, smart rebel attitude that I had always observed. Now we find ourselves together. He tells me I am the (insert superlative). He claims to never have had as much fun and ease with anyone but me ever. BUT -- he is afraid. Afraid of failing. Afraid of me suddenly rolling my eyes at him. Afraid of me demanding to choose what I want and selfishly ignoring his needs. Afraid of me hating his friends and not wanting to see his family. Afraid of me superficially wanting a big house. These are all things his ex did. These are all things completely out of my character. I am silently insulted. It is not fair. I am being punished for the experiences of his dissolved marriage.

He hates his life situation he's said, all except for me -- "the one thing he has to look forward to and make him happy." I deem him to be the most considerate, heart-warming, compliment giving, humorous, handsome, thoughtful, genuine, naughty in a good way, music loving, hardworking, makes me feel like the only-woman-alive kind of guy. But yes, we see each other only once a month for the past year. Granted we are busy w/ work, family obligations on both ends, me a single mom ... Excuses? He brought up the exclusivity talk immediately when we started dating. We are sure on that. He initiates contact on the phone every two days. Never makes false promises. Every date is like a first date. Fun, but yeah, 16 first dates. In his word he doesn't want us to be anything so that way we cannot break up or hurt each other. You and I know it is past that point. I can't rush him. Should I back away after a year and give him time? I have a daughter to raise and a good career to distract me. But I crave companionship (as long as it is from someone awesome). He just means so much to me, worth it more than any other guy I've encountered. How do I approach this? Do I wait? Is it ultimatum time? Thank you for reading my Walter Mitty stream of consciousness tirade. I love him. Help me.

– The waiting feel is not so fine, Boston

Q: My ex-husband and I have been divorced since our children were small (they are now in their 20s). I remarried once for a brief and unfortunate time and I've had a few long, failed relationships. He used to date but hasn't in many years. We are both single now and remain very good friends.

He was always involved with the children, and our kids never remember us fighting or saying mean things to each another. Over the years we have changed and things just aren't as big a deal as they were when we were in our 20s. We are both nice people from good families and our families like one another.

My ex has always been welcome in our home. He spent Christmas Eves with us to wake up with the boys on Christmas morning (we slept in separate rooms). He came to every birthday party, and eventually every party we ever had he came as a friend and part of the family.

We remember being married and having many good times together. We now help each other with household things. He has helped me even when my boyfriend was living with me recently. My boyfriend and I used to visit him at his house.

We get along really well and have the same sense of humor and ethics. Not least of all we have our children's welfare in common. Recently I remodeled a room in my house. My ex helped me and we had a great time.

He is now doing his own remodel and asked me to help him with the design. It is my pleasure to help him - not only is it fun for me but I really enjoy his company. I think he enjoys mine. He never acts romantic at all and gives me no indication that he would like the relationship to evolve.

I admit I do think about it. I'd love to ask him to go out with me on a regular date: something fun, like a movie or concert. But I have some self-esteem issues surrounding my failed relationships. I'd be humiliated if he told me no, and I don't want to put our nice relationship at risk. I'd rather take what I have than risk not having his precious friendship. I would hate to think he would hesitate to call me because I put him on the spot. But, what if...?

– I am a lonely painter, I live in a box of paints, Boston

Q: Hello Meredith

I am a daily reader and a first time writer with a question about moving on. I have been divorced for seven years with teenage children, a great career, and what seems like a good-to-great life.

I am currently seeing a wonderful woman who is smart, caring, attractive, and has it together. We have been seeing each other for about five months. My problem is that back in September I broke off a relationship of a year and a half. The woman I was seeing was divorced with two children.

The relationship began rocky due to her having several personal and professional issues, which caused her above-average stress. But through it all, I was falling in love with her, and she with me. I loved this woman and felt loved like I had never felt in my life. So I stayed, and constantly supported her through a bad business-partnership breakup, repair and sale of a home, and several medical issues. Again, the love was real and pure.

Fast-forward a year-plus later, she began to talk marriage and engagement. I admit, this was not what I wanted at this point, but I agreed to living together. She was adamant about the engagement. I continued to say, “After your life is settled, we can revisit this, but I love you, and would like to be with you everyday and the rest of our lives.” Her children adored me and I treated them as if they were mine. We all spent a month traveling together last summer.

The relationship went down hill after that, with many small disagreements. Once there was a disagreement, she would shut down for days and not want to communicate. Well, after so much of this, I broke it off. My problem is, there was no closure, and I still think about her and in my heart, I truly love her. I know this has an affect on my new relationship. What do I do?

– Need to Move On, Andover

Q: Hi Mere,

I have been a faithfully devoted reader of yours even though I have moved to NY.

I have been married for five years. I am 27 years old and I have a very young child with my husband "Steve."

Like I said, Steve and I have been married five years, but we've been together for almost a decade. We met online when I was a junior in high school. Anywho, to make a long story even longer, after talking online for two years, we met, connected, and were engaged within a year. I was engaged by the time I was 20 ... and also very overweight. I love Steve, always have, always will. I just feel like things are off between us.

When we were about a month away from our wedding, I found out he had been online, trading pictures with women and commenting on their pictures. He was so apologetic, and to be honest, I was scared that I would never find anyone else because I was so overweight. And I loved him, so, so much. So I went through with the wedding.

He is my best friend, really and truly, and I would tell him all of this if I didn't think it would hurt him. We have been separated once before, a few years ago for a few months. We decided to try to work it out. The next year I had our child. Since then (well, for longer than just then) things have been strained between us. I have lost A LOT of weight (something snapped inside me when I realized that I had another life to worry about) and slowly but surely I lost 112 lbs. So here we are, 2010, 112 lbs lighter, in a whole lot better shape (I actually fit in for society's standards), and more confident. Not completely though.

Since about a year after we started dating, we have had issues with our "frequency" *ahem*. At the beginning, we were all over each other, then it became less frequent, maybe once every other week, then once a month, then once every other month. Now I am lucky if it happens every three or four months. Like I said, I am 27, I have a young child, and I am so scared. He is an EXCELLENT father and he loves me, but I don't feel as though he is IN LOVE with me. I don't even know if I'm in love with him at this point. I gave up my job so that he could take his dream job in NY and now I am a stay at home mom and I spend all day alone with my son (have been going to Mommy and Me classes, but those haven't been working out for us the greatest).

I just want to know what you would do in my situation. Does a passion-filled-relationship exist? Is it possible to have someone that is IN LOVE with me, as well as treat me with respect? I don't think it's fair to have my child grow up with my husband and I having just a friendship. I don't want my child to think a relationship can't be more. Will anyone else want me even though I have a baby? Or should I just accept what I am in and realize that I am lucky to be married to a friend? I asked Steve to go to therapy with me and he said that he "doesn't need it."

Steve wants me to figure out what it is that I want and to talk to him about it when I have decided. I don't know what to do. I hope you can help ...

– Oh, So Confused, NY

Q: Meredith,

As a guy, I admittedly feel odd/weird for writing you. But so be it. I'm a 33-year-old, college-educated white male. Not exotic by any means, but pretty normal when juxtaposed with the next random guy. I married my college girlfriend at 23; heartbroken, shocked and divorced by 27. We both made mistakes -- minor and major -- so I don't blame her for my current state. (There's a reason people say you're too young to get married, but I digress.) I'm not sure what exactly it was, but that experience changed me.

Since then, I feel that I subconsciously sabotage relationships after a few years. For example, I lived with my post-divorce girlfriend (and another male roommate) for 18 months. We both had issues, but I believe I exacerbated them with my primal desire to "find something new" and unwillingness to fully commit to her. That relationship ended. After three or so years I'm now living with my current girlfriend. She's sweet, friendly, and a really great person. So why am I always looking at other women wondering, "What if?" Why am I attracted to her friends? Am I just a normal male? Or simply just selfish?

This will sound odd, but sometimes I wish I could have my sex drive reduced so I could maintain a normal, loyal relationship with my current girlfriend. To be clear, I haven't been with anyone else since we moved from dating to exclusivity, but the desire is definitely there. Am I still really this immature at 33? Or am I just addicted to the drug of "newness"?

– Mitch in Dallas

Q: Hope you can help me get some clarity in my relationship. I’ve been dating a girl who I will call Lisa for about six months now exclusively.

Lisa is someone I briefly dated about a decade ago. We are both in our 30s now. Both of us have been married before, both of us have fulltime jobs and kids.

She and I connect in many ways and we both feel like a future together is very possible. My question to you and your reader is this:

We live several towns away from each other. We only see each other once every 10 days or so, but we talk daily. Our intimate relationship is almost nonexistent.

At the beginning of most relationships it tends to be hot and heavy. This one has been the opposite.

My mind tells me that this is not normal and could only get worse, but my heart tells me Lisa could be the woman for me.

We've have talked about this problem recently and she says that she has a busy hectic life. She wants to let things develop slowly because she sees us working out. I also have a hectic lifestyle but could always find time.

Am I being impatient? Or does love really takes time to develop the older you get?

– Paul, Andover

Q: Hi Meredith,

I must admit I never thought I would be the guy asking for advice on my relationship, but here I am ... on the verge of a divorce from my college love. I need help because I don't want to lose her, but she seems to be bent on becoming a new person and starting a new life.

So let me preface this story of an ending by telling you a little bit about the beginning. Many years ago, when we met in college, she had the courage to call me up blindly and tell me that she had been stalking me for a couple weeks. This was our freshman year. Her confidence and overall attractiveness sold me. We met and instantly liked each other. It wasn't instant love or a passionate college romance, but we had fun and grew to really love each other by college graduation. In fact I knew that someday I would marry her.

She moved in a year after graduation. We did everything together and we enjoyed many of the same things. But as we grew more accustomed to each other, I think some of that sparkle in our eyes started disappearing. The love got stronger but sex was rare. I was OK with that. The problem was, she wasn't OK with that. Over the years I think she started to doubt her attractiveness and self worth, even though I would constantly give her praise and attention. She needed actions not words, and I tried, but the pressure of my job, my sick parents, and everything else pertaining to daily life was weighing on me. I had a hard time being the romantic that she wanted me to, even though I tried my hardest.

The issues persisted year after year, and we had conversations on a quarterly basis about how we'd fix it, but we never did. Both of us just talked, agreed, and then crossed our arms. She didn't do anything and neither did I. I'm not sure why. She started gaining a lot of weight and started working late just to avoid me, and I feel like she would try and say things just to annoy me so that I would hate her. But all I kept doing was trying to get her out of her rut. Maybe I was too supportive. I don't know. Maybe I was a friend and not a lover. Again, I'm not sure. But as our friendship grew, our passion disappeared.

Fast forward to last year, we're in marriage counseling, she's in exit mode and I'm trying to convince her to look forward not back. I have a new job. My parents are still sick, but I'm more comfortable now with their situation. I was and still am a changed man, and I have been constantly fighting, hoping that she'll have an epiphany of some sort -- an epiphany about who I am and how much I really mean to her.

For the past two years, she has been telling me that she is confused. She doesn't know what she wants, but she knows that she has a hard time forgetting our past. She has a hard time processing the downs, and she doesn't focus on the ups. She's depressed and upset and no matter how much I tell her I love her, she doesn't believe me. "Why now?" she would ask. "Why do you try hard now?" And all I could do was say that "When times got bad, I realized what I really wanted, and it was you" -- and that was the honest truth.

I love and I want my wife more than ever, but she tells me she can't get past what's happened. She can't get over the doubt. She moved out of the house and it has been months now since I last saw her. I cry every day, I'm on a rollercoaster of emotions. I still want her as my wife but how do you convince someone you love them till death without dying? We were born to be together, but a blip in our past is blinding her future. I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep her. Is there anything I can do???

– Dog Willing to Try New Tricks

Q: Long time listener, first time caller --love your show! Now, down to business. Here's my situation: My boyfriend and I have been together six months. It was love at first sight. It was magical. We're inseparable. I want him and us forever. He wants/feels the same. We talk about the future. I'm 28. He's 31. I've dated a handful of good, quality guys through my 20s, some for a couple months, some for a couple years. I've had single time to learn who I am and what I'm looking for. I wasn't ready to talk "future" until I met this one. Everything is different and I've never been happier.

Here's my "but." Here's my dilemma. Here's why I'm writing. Technically, he's still married. He was married for seven years. They had been separated for two years when he and I started dating. There is no question that the pending divorce will happen. However, over the course of our six months together, more and more details have come out regarding exactly what the divorce road is going to look like for him/us. Long story short, the soon-to-be-ex is a feisty one. They own a house together (she lives there -- he has his apartment). They own a time share together. They have multiple credit cards in both of their names. His father receives financial assistance and for some reason those checks go to her name only. They still share car insurance. Since it's not legally over, he's still getting her benefits deducted from his check. He transfers money to her personally every month, not to the actual cards or banks. I conclude that she's feisty from the many interactions that I've witnessed and heard about. One day they'll talk and she'll be happy and cooperative. The next day they talk, she'll be crying, upset, profane, hang up, not return calls, or even drop the "I love you" on him. I understand this means reality is setting in for her. When I bring up my opinion/suggestion/advice such as paying the banks directly and taking initiative to get this stuff taken care of, I am met with his desire to not "rock the boat." He has explained that he's waiting until the divorce is complete to push anything else because he's scared she'll retaliate, get attorneys, push them further in debt, etc. Since I learned of this relationship (he told me on our third date), I have tried to prepare myself for whatever direction this road is going to take. I believe my boyfriend and our future together is worth going through this.

One more important detail. He moved for me -- across several states. They don't see each other. There is no potential for that. Also, he lived with a roommate for those two years they were separated. Lately though, I've been fearful that this isn't going to end. He's made a couple comments about how in the future, maybe he'll check in with her on her birthday or maybe they'll be friends on Facebook when all of this if over. For some reason I've been OK with everything we're currently dealing with, but now I'm beginning to think she will never go away.

My questions/concerns I hope you and your readers can help me with are: Am I living in a fantasy world thinking she'll just disappear when this is over? Why wasn't this taken care of before we met? Am I being pushy? How do I continue to deal with this situation (that I'm convinced could take years with debt and house)? Am I over-reacting? Am I entitled to be uncomfortable? How do I avoid resentment that I can offer him 100 percent but I can’t have the same in return….yet?

– Want Him All To Myself, Waltham

Q: Hi Meredith,

I'm confused about what to do, if anything, about my boyfriend. Quick background: I'm 41, divorced for 2 years, and have been dating a man for 18 months. We were friendly before we started dating, and for the first few months all was great. About three months into it, he surprised me one night by telling me that he was still getting over a former girlfriend, seeing a therapist, and in general, dealing with massive heartbreak. I never saw any of this until he told me. I was OK with it because the truth is that I was (am) transitioning out of a 15 year marriage and wasn't looking for a serious romance. Since then, we've gone on vacation several times, met each other's families, he gets along great with my kids, gotten closer, etc. I am head over heels.

Cut to present: he says that he loves me, can't imagine life without me but is still dealing with the fallout from the previous woman. I believe he's also going through a mid-life crisis. He turns 50 next year, never been married, no kids, bored with job, etc.

I'm not exactly issue free either. I'm about to start working full time after eight years at home with my kids. My finances aren't great (divorce stuff). I'm pretty much a full-time parent and I've been involved in exactly 3 serious relationships since I was 18. I don't have much casual dating experience.

My dilemma: Someday, I would like to create a family again with someone special. We've been dating for 18 months and the "future" question has come up a few times. I have no clear answer and neither does he. Other than this "future" question, things are good. That said, knowing that I do want a family someday and considering all that we are dealing with as individuals right now, do I stay or do I go? How long to too long for a relationship like this? Am I being an idiot?

– Not so sure anymore, Newton