Reading sexual writing viscerally pains me these days. For a supposed “sex blogger,” this is a huge problem. In order to write well, I need to read a lot, and when I can’t read others’ sex blogs I’m sharply hamstrung.
And why do I have this much trouble? Because the concept of eroticization itself has become a site of immense anguish. Every time something “swings my thoughts in that direction,” I hurt. And deeply. Read my archives and you’ll no doubt see I’ve become darker, more bitter, more jaded, meaner, more ugly. I’m scarred and scared and broken and horribly disfigured. And I’ve said all of this before.
To continue under the sabotaging influence of the epistemic abuse present in the euphemistically named “sex-positive” bubble in which I (try to) live, I’ve begun to tell pieces of my own story. I’ve dug up my own past experiences to use as inspiration because reading the experiences of others reliably sends me into a tailspin of outrage and jealousy and resentment.
What I’m trying to do in all of this is to get you—and everyone you know—to ask one simple question: “How did this happen to maymay?” If I’m really lucky, you’ll also ask the two obvious followups: “Is it happening to other people?” (the answer is yes, by the way) and “How can we make it better?” I’ve been staring at several drafts and struggling to make them coherent in order to lead my readers (and parts of myself) along that quest.
But in the meantime, Delving into Deviance published a post that I’ve been waiting to read from a self-identified dominant woman for a long, long time. Best of all, I could get to its end because it was mercifully free of the sexual triggers that so often make me “step aaawwaaayyyy from the computer!”
Her post is all old, but important news:
[P]ublic adoration (and objectification) of a male submissive is rare. As I’ve come to realize the fucked up state of femdom, I’ve concurrently become aware of the fucked up state of male submission – namely, it’s devaluation. While female dominants are made out to be some scarce resource, male submissives are depicted as a dime a dozen – common, and, even more disturbingly, weak and worthless.
[…]
What is it that makes dominant women uncomfortable with femdom? There are a lot of things. One of the biggest is the sexist attitude that is rampant in the BDSM community. It often seems like women have to remain ice queens, untarnished by actually having penile-vaginal intercourse with their male subs. However, if they want to they can become more male, and thus, more dominant by strapping on and becoming – duh duh duh – The Penetrator. This isn’t to say that there’s anything wrong with strapping on (I’m a fan myself), but a sex act does not a Dominant (or a submissive) make and we can’t just superimpose the male-female dichotomy onto Dominant-submissive and expect that to make anyone happy.
It’s not just female dominants who are getting a raw deal and are having to battle through a mire of expectations in order to engage in the kink they thought they loved. Male submissives find themselves in a community with very few potential partners. Of the potential partners, many will be professional dominatrices, and many (even non-pros) will expect their submission straight out of the gate because of a hidden assumption that if you’re a submissive man you must be willing to submit to just anyone. In defense of these Doms, the moment a woman signs up for any BDSM website she will get an influx of messages from men offering just that – men who want to be her “slave” who have never even had a conversation with her. However, after wading through these fantasists, a dominant woman will eventually find a man who fits her bill because she is valued, and thus, many men will be willing to try to do so.
Submissive men, however, have a much harder time. Because there is this perception of a ratio like 1:20 and because many submissive men either perpetuate the femdom icequeen-bitch ideal that no woman can or perhaps should live up to on a day-to-day basis, male submissives become devalued.
Some have suggested that female pro-dommes also devalue male submission (my boyfriend for one). I don’t think that pro-Dommes cause this problem, but I think that oftentimes they don’t help. Pro-Dommes meet a need. They are the supply to a demand. However, they contribute to the perpetuation of a picture of female domination that just doesn’t reflect real life. But they’re not the root of that problem. As a parallel, just because vanilla men have sex workers and porn doesn’t mean that they don’t know that they can’t expect the same look and sex acts from their girlfriends and wives. However, imagine a world in which vanilla men didn’t meet any women until they began encountering sex workers and porn. This could lead to a much more confusing dynamic for both those vanilla men and the non-professional women they might encounter.
(Emphasis mine.)
It’s not only extremely validating to me to read these words from someone else, it’s also extremely important to me that these words were written by a self-identified dominant woman. An unpopular truth is the fact that it is because of the fucked up attitudes Delving into Deviance describes (and that Thomas Millar described more academically) that it almost doesn’t matter how long I, maymay, a submissive man have been saying this—and publicly—for almost half a decade now. People just won’t listen or will derail me (sometimes with their own de-contextualized categorical privilege arguments; “but you have male privilege!”) nearly as much as they’re going to listen to a dominantly-identified individual.
That’s the same fucked up bullshit happening elsewhere. The feminist movement needs feminist men not because women are in fact weak, but because men have a privilege women do not. Black people need White allies. Similarly, submissive people need dominants to speak the fuck up with—not for, with—us.
On a personal note, it’s worth calling my own writing out as vicious and angry because when it comes to the niche of the BDSM community and its interactions, I am an angry, bitter, broken man. I wish I were some kind of Gandhi or Martin Luther King, filled with nothing but love for all oppressors. But I’m just not that perfect. I’m sorry. I’m really, really filled with sorrow about that. But that’s who I am now—hateful and doing my damnedest to direct that hate where it belongs, rather than where it doesn’t.
Some in the BDSM community think I’m a monster, a troll, or a troublemaker. Well, they made me. So ask yourselves, dear BDSM community: How did this happen to maymay? Because for as long as you don’t, there’s going to be a whole lot more “trouble” to come. I’ll see to that myself.
This blog is my job. If it moves you, please help me keep doing this Work by sharing some of your food, shelter, or money. Thank you!
by Fizz
02 Jun 2011 at 19:29
I have more to say about this but will mostly say it elsewhere, in my own words. While here, I just wanted to point out that this …
“The feminist movement needs feminist men not because women are in fact weak, but because men have a privilege women do not. Black people need White allies. Similarly, submissive people need dominants to speak the fuck up with—not for, with—us.”
… is exactly what I was talking about the other day with regard to your body-positivity post on MSA, and you put it a lot better than I did. ;) Fat people need skinny people speaking up for us too.
by SnowdropExplodes
02 Jun 2011 at 19:53
This reminded me of the reaction I got when I tried to write a male-submission story to post on BDSM Library. Because I had my Dominant woman crave penetrative sex with her submisisve’s penis inside her, and because the character (horror of horrors) wanted him to orgasm, it was dismissed as “fake” and not a genuine BDSM fantasy! (Incidentally, that story link leads to where I posted my self-portrait fat male submissive images, since a couple of the ones I liked reminded me of the story as well.)
This stuff is also, I think, a big reason why I have been less inclined to explore my more “switchy” side (that and the scorn and prejudice against any Dom who identifies as switch!)
by maymay
02 Jun 2011 at 20:01
*Nods.* Understood, Fizz. I’ll do my part as best I can, and I’ve been trying to, here and there. I hope you, and others more well-versed in the arena of body-positivity than I am, will guide me in doing so well, as well as calling me out on failing to do it well when I misdirect some anger.
That fat-positive secret was a punch in the gut as soon as I realized it was totally correct. Felt pretty awful, actually. That is, until I realized I could do something to make it better.
Maybe my critics are right in calling me an ugly troll. But I’m not the villain in this story. I’m just also not the hero.
by Fizz
02 Jun 2011 at 20:12
SnowdropExplodes:
This made me laugh, having had basically exactly the sex you’re describing, very recently. (And I still squirm a little at the enthusiastic nod I got in response to “I want to feel you come. Can you do that for me?”)
maymay:
That is why like you, maymay. It is not the only reason. It’s not even the biggest one. But it is one of them.
Don’t play the part they’re casting you in.
by Fizz
02 Jun 2011 at 20:13
Apparently I don’t know how we use strikeout these days. Previous comment should read: “… having had basically^Wexactly the sex you’re describing” (or less obscure equivalent). I not good at WordPress.
(maymay, you can fix this yourself in moderation if you want to. :P)
by DelvingintoDeviance
02 Jun 2011 at 21:39
Yeah, I don’t really get why some women don’t want men in the Feminist movement. I was reading the other day about how hard a transgender (but not transitioning) friend of mine has tried to join several feminist groups only to be told that they’re too male. I call bullshit.
by PurpleSwirl
03 Jun 2011 at 04:08
I’ve spent a long time wondering if I should start blogging about my experiences, or indeed lack thereof, that have come with my realization that I’m a dominant woman. But, your above signal boost convinces me of this, if I am to improve my own sex life and, on a wider scale, those of submissive men, if I’m ever to find a man who’s strong, and smart and wilful, who also likes having the crap beaten out of him, then it’s up to me as a dominant woman to come out, to dispel as many myths as possible about submissive men and dominant women. I suspect that Bitchy is right. That there are probably far more dominant women out there, but that they are turned off by the epically poor level of resources that are available for women, who realise that they might want to do kinky things to guys. Similarly, how bad the situation is for many guys who think that submitting to a woman would be hot and are then met with this neutered, wormy vision of submission and sterile, steely view of femdom. The only way that this situation will change is if we stand up and start talking about what is wrong with the lack of validation for dom women/ sub men, and then trying to fix it. Many people, such as yourself, are doing a great job, but any more are letting myths and stigma go unchallenged. More dominant women need to come out and start fighting back against the commonly held disdain and mockery that the kind of sex we’re into gets both inside and outside the scene. (This is a long rant, sorry.)
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by The Value of a Male Submissive | Good Vibrations Magazine
07 Jun 2011 at 10:02
[...] was reading a post by the inimitable submissive male blogger maymay, along with a post he linked to, both about the devaluation of male submission. It’s [...]
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by Intro | Not Just Bitchy
10 Jun 2011 at 23:01
[...] finally persuaded me to start a blog of my own after months of thinking about it was maymay’s signal boost of Dev’s awesome post about the devaluation of male [...]
by Lucy
16 Jun 2011 at 02:13
That penetrative sex issue is interesting. I wonder if it’s more perception or more biological reality. I mean, the problem I feel is that men need to be aroused for it and that means it’s not gonna happen unless they want it and that will give them at least a certain amount of control no matter what else you bring in. So having penetrative sex depends on my ability to arouse him. And, for many, that turns it into a self objectification that’s on me.
Luckily, with my boyfriend, the arousal comes in many forms other than just looks. It took me years to fully understand that I don’t need to look “hot” for him to get excited. The right words and actions are more important and I’m very happy about that.
I also like the kind of “pure submission” without any arousal or sex involved. This is something beautiful in itself.
I’m sorry you’re suffering from this.
by DelvingintoDeviance
16 Jun 2011 at 05:05
Lucy, you said, “the problem I feel is that men need to be aroused for it and that means it’s not gonna happen unless they want it and that will give them at least a certain amount of control no matter what else you bring in”. I would question this notion. I discuss a situation in which my male sub did not have control even though did have an erection here: http://delvingintodeviance.wordpress.com/2011/06/07/good-giving-game-and-dominant/
Erections can sometimes betray men. Are they an indication of some level of arousal? Yes. But are they always an indication that a man WANTS to be aroused? No.
“Pure submission” is an interesting idea. It’s difficult for me to imagine a submission that has no erotic element whatsoever. This isn’t to deny its existence, but it seems to me that even an extremely mundane task is more bearable because there’s a slight erotic charge that is gained from its completion.
by Lucy
16 Jun 2011 at 12:45
Actually you’re right. Just after I sent that comment, I remembered that I regularly “force” the erection my partner. Still, as you said, there must be some level of will behind it because, I know for a fact, when he really doesn’t want it, that little thing goes limp real fast.
Of course, that’s a good thing really because forcing it on him despite his resistance would be rape. Nonetheless, the fact that it can’t be done that way round creates an imbalance of power. But that can be ‘rectified’ by other means.
“It’s difficult for me to imagine a submission that has no erotic element whatsoever. ”
Well that’s the “real” submission if you want. I wouldn’t call myself a dominatrix and I certainly couldn’t live the lifestyle 24/7. I’m certainly an assertive type and clash with authority. But the bdsm we engage in is really just a game, a very exciting and enjoyable one but a game nonetheless. It’s about trust and vulnerability and, following this, about compassion – the single most beautiful between people.
But where does the game stop and reality start?
by Kose
20 Jun 2011 at 08:35
MayMay,
Do you have advice for dominant women who have looked but among dozens or hundreds have not found what often seems to us the elusive dream of a male submissive willing to grow and learn and explore *with* their dominant?
by Laney
29 Jun 2011 at 15:47
This post resonates for me at this very moment. As a dominant woman, I have gone through so many relationships where the problem seemed to be that I wanted to feel warmly and adore my sub, Somehow my need to openly show it does not seem to fit with the general definition of dominance that a lot of subs have, hence why I have been on the receiving end of accusations of not being a ‘proper’ dominant, all high heels and snarling abuse.
It feels quite depressing to be at the grand old age of 32 and feel like I will never be ‘good enough’ for any submissive, and not content with the thought of a relationship without BDSM. Still, one must potter along and hope that with a bit of searching there will be a sub out there who won’t mind that I want to give them the moon from the sky..and if I don’t, well, that’s just how things will be. .
by Lucy
30 Jun 2011 at 22:33
@ Laney
You know that’s also something on my mind. When I go “nasty” and my partner is in a state of helplessness with cold sweaty hands, genuinely scared and begging me to stop or not do what I’m threatening to – then I want nothing more than to hug and kiss him and just shower him with love and affection. It’s a maternal instinct I suppose. But I restrain myself so as to keep the act of dominance up. He knows that I’m doing that and so we have this awesome mutual connection. We both know we have to go through this and in a way it’s torturing us both but it will bring us closer together than anything.
I don’t feel though that being loving and affectionate is somehow less dominant or weaker. Once I’ve subdued him thoroughly, he’s usually so vulnerable (my favorite part) that it’s like holding an infant. My affection is then what finally makes him give himself up – realizing that he’s safe and he can trust me.
Sometimes he also needs building up if our game consisted of a lot of humiliation and degrading.
by Michael
14 Jul 2011 at 07:49
My sense is that people who insist on binary, fixed roles are defending against something in themselves that represents the other pole. A dominant male who *never* allows himself to appear submissive to another male isn’t necessarily dominant as a natural identity. He’s working hard to stay within a role, and to do so under the eyes of others — submitting himself to a group mindset in the process. Trained into the role, kept in the role with rules, punishments and rewards.
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by Raging Chrysalis: The End of the Mute Submissive Masculine « Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed
02 Sep 2011 at 19:21
[...] sub? We are two sides of a coin. Today I am not beating my queer drum; today I am borrowing maymay’s drum: You cannot truly respect me without respecting my submissive as well. If you value me, you must [...]
by Juniper
04 Jul 2012 at 00:51
First and foremost, I want to give you a hug, maymay. I know we don’t see eye-to-eye on many issues, but this…I just…what has happened to you, what has eaten away at you so systematically is awful to such a degree that all of my initial instincts tell me to offer you physical support. Earlier today, while reading your thread about SOAK, I found myself wanting to ask if you’re happy. Reading you in this context has given me one kind of answer to my unasked question, which is both unsurprising and quite saddening. I know precisely what you’re talking about, have seen it at work in the BDSM community at every event I’ve attended, have come up against it in my personal and professional relationships. I can’t really speak about any regional BDSM communities other than the one in which I am involved, but I have seen such a devaluation of submission that subs are oftentimes treated like accessories. Submission is a gift, and one at which I marvel every time it is offered to me, especially by males. To move past the way that this society tells men they should be is an incredible feat of courage.