Seriously, my last post, ughhh.

Did I really publish that?
(“publish”, by the way, is making the blog post show up to the public as opposed to filing it as a draft for further consideration

sigh.

I was just lamenting that I did 3 whole posts and promptly fell off the “I’m going to write something every day” band wagon and was promptly berating myself when I thought, hey, you could do a quick thing right now, nothing major … but write something – write anything.

A few keystrokes later and here I am looking at my blog and, as I often do for reasons that I can’t really explain, I was re-reading my latest post(s).

Perhaps I should say ‘reading for the first time’ because apparently, I did no such thing before – at least not while in my right mind!  The last one didn’t even make any sense, not even to me who’s mind conceived it – I can’t even imagine what some stranger that happened across it might have thought… other than perhaps “what crap, I’m never coming back here again”.

I’ve since attempted to perform some resuscitation on the horrid post – I really think it was beyond redemption but left it there as an example of why “write something – anything” is not always a good idea – or at least publishing ‘anything‘ is not a good idea.

So no, my happy list is not really going as well as I would have liked.  I think I have to find a different approach. I haven’t been able to find the time to spend on even coming up with the list let alone doing any of the few items that I initially placed on it… why???

  • I can’t seem to find time to think about it
  • everything I do is in a rush
  • I’m in one of those states that conjures an unsettling mental image of someone chasing life
  • I’m not sure that there is all so much that I do now that is making me feel happy so I’m having a hard time recognising what should go on the list

Ok – well that’s good to start with.  Time seems to be an issue so perhaps if I scrap the old list and start anew with a 1 item list that is simply to set aside 30 minutes a day to consider this plan and try to get it implemented.  Perhaps that will help me get off the start line.

A normal person would consider therapy.

So that’s the new plan – 30 minutes a day.  1 thing to do.  I hope I can manage that.

Thanks for checking in.

 

Leave A Comment, Written on June 27th, 2012 , Uncategorized Tags: , ,

I was all hyped up with a new project.  Start off by identifying the behaviors and activities that contribute to my over all happiness and come up with a receipe that maintains an over all healthy and satisfying amount of happiness I can count on on any given day that is not being bombarded with extenuating circumstances…. A Happy List.

I still think this is a great idea and really, it’s not like my trip is going from suicidal to becoming one of those impossible people that is irritatingly cheery each and every moment of each and every day.  Seriously, how many of those people really seem like they are that happy…. I mean sure, they say the happy words and act the happy act they have all the lines and the positions  but really, are they happy or are they just well trained to appear happy?

Anyway, what I’ve got in mind is what I think is a short trip from ‘inconsistently happy’ to ‘more consistently happy’  but I want to be successful at it so I really do want to make sure I do it right and not just jump in there like a crazy person might – all impulsive and impetuous.

I digress.

No, I mean I really digress.  Maybe the first thing I should have looked at was getting all those ducks lined up nicely in a row so my list creation and implimentation wouldn’t be such a start and stop endeveor… but that’s what it is and, to the naked eye, I think it would be really hard to descern any real difference between  what I was doing last week and what I’m doing this week.

I have not exercised every day.  I have not exercised even one day… but I think about it frequently.

I have written something every day – yay me.

Other than that, this is a slow start.

But, I have not given up yet.  I’ll be back…. thanks for checking in.

Leave A Comment, Written on June 24th, 2012 , Uncategorized Tags:

I have an aspiration to become OCD.  I mean in the real sense – obsessive compulsive as opposed to the OCD I already have which is really ‘obsessive chaotic dissorganizational disorder’. – that would actually be OCDD Wouldn’t it.  see- I cant even organise those letters appropriately!

I really don’t want to be obsessive. Obsessive isn’t a good thing to be  - about anything  - I really just want to…. ummm… make things in my life somewhat more in control than they typically are.  That is not to say that I want to control people or even things – I have evolved enough to know that at best, control,  in that sense,  is an illusion.

let me start here.  Recently I’ve taken to listening to pod-casts en  route to the office.  This, by the way is to keep my mind off of the ‘joy of life sucking traffic’  that has threatened to obscond with my sanity.  Anyway,  my friend M (not as in James bond ‘M ‘ – just M as in an initial)  often speaks about this or that she’s heard on a podcast and this came to mind one night after a particularly harrowing traffic experience and I said to my self…  ”self,  perhaps a podcast would distract me from the JOLST – you – I – We should try that “  we all agreed and looked for and found a likely suspect in “Alison Rosen is Your New Best Friend ” .

So. I have been happili-er commuting to alison’s podcast for a few weeks and even though it is dating/relationship themed,  I am enjoying the conversations she has with her guests so much that I often wish I could be a part of the conversation or alterntely, am  inspired to want talk about something the podcast has made me think about.

The guest I listened to on yesterday’s ride,  James Gunn, is who inspired the whole OCDD thing.  Oh, and by the way, I am not listening to the pod-casts in order and I am concerned that once I catch up and have heard all of them I will have 3 days a week with JOLST time to fill up!

Meanwhile, back to the train of thought; James and Alison were discussing relationships and, as is often the case,  self examination of themselves and James said that he has a list of things he has narrowed down that if he does them every day,  he maintains a level of happiness.  He did recite them but it doesn’t matter what the list consists of because its going to be a personal thing -but that’s what I want do – develop my list – my own peronalized happiness list.

Sounds good right? true -and I believe it is a good thing but there will be things on the list that I will resist – like excersise. I know that I feel better when I ecersise than when I don’t.  Its not news or novel – no one can argue this – its common knowledge. But,  regardless, I am not the only person on the planet that spends more time talking myself out of doing it than actually doing it.  To that end I believe a check list might be something I can make work for me – at least I hope I can.

So, step one of operation  ’Happy List’ -  plan to make a list.  This is going to be a process. Check!

I already have one item on my happiness list and that is to blog every day – item 1 of 1 – Check!

I feel happier already.

Thanks for Checking in.

 

Leave A Comment, Written on June 22nd, 2012 , Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , ,

I am not mad or depressed or antisocial - I just need to not talk to anyone for a while and that's okYears ago, while reading a parenting book, I stumbled upon the personality characteristics of introvert and extrovert.  I knew about these traits but I had always called them ‘shy’ and  ’not shy’.  Who knew that there was more to it than that?

I haven’t really given it too much more thought – I was content to know that my shyness was not a symptom of some antisocial behaviour chacteristic nor did it mean that I was a coward or a snob or a people hater.  I like people just fine – I just happen to prefer them in smaller doses than does the average extrovert.

Now it’s been probably 10-15 years at least since I happened across this little peace.   Yes, I spelled that correctly.

Learning that I am an introvert is peace.  It has helped me to know that having time alone will make me feel better when I feel out of sync.  It has helped me explain to the man that asking me 401 more times “what’s wrong” will do nothing but aggravate me if I am not ready to talk about it (he is an extrovert).  It has helped me to accept that feeling uncomfortable speaking in front of a crowd is normal for me and it has helped me feel fine about using the phrase “give me a minute to think about it”.  In general, since these are a mere ‘off the top of my head’ few things that make my life better by understanding my ‘self’ just a little better.

So why after all these years has this now become a ‘thing’ again?  A couple of reasons…

The first is that I was reflecting… one of those things that happens when I get alone time… that when I think about my childhood and my parents and my upbringing, one of the things I note is that we  weren’t particularly strong at the outward displays of emotion end of things.  There was not a lot – ok – none hugging – there was none hugging in my family.  Perhaps a little when being reunited with Nana after a long time between visits but no hugging, very very little cuddling… just not a lot of physical contact.

I’ve noticed that I lean in the same direction.  It makes me a little sad.  I am trying to fix it.

While being an introvert is a personality trait, it’s not cast in stone – you aren’t “either” an introvert “or” an “extrovert”.  Some people have very strong leanings one way or the other but I doubt anyone is 100% one or the other.  I can function in a crowd, I can speak in front of people (I don’t like it but I can), and I can be affectionate and cuddly – it’s just something I’m not accustomed to – I can become more accustomed to it – I know I can – I just have to focus a bit.

I also want to explain it to my kids.  I don’t want them to think I don’t like them.  I don’t want them to think of me as stern – like I thought of my mother and I want them to understand that liking to be alone does not equal not wanting to be with them.

What makes it difficult is that while the boys seem to lean towards introversion, the girl is definitely and extrovert.  I’m sure that being the only girl, being the youngest and having a conflicting personality type with your mom is probably a little hard to understand when you are 9.  So I want to explain it to her.

I also want to explain it to the boys.  I want them to understand their nature now and not have just ‘deal with’ the differences without understanding like I did.

Even though it appears that there is a pretty even split between the inros and the extros in society, extroversion is considered the “norm” in this part of the world anyway and so, because being an “out there” kind of person is considered normal – when you don’t want to go to every party, when you don’t want to hang at the mall and you don’t want to go to the dance or a concert, it can make you feel ‘abnormal’ and I need my boys to know that they are not.

I think everyone should be comfortable being in a room with only themselves now and again… so my new mission is to help my kids learn that that’s ok – and it can be nice, even if only once and a while.

The second thing that has brought this issue to my attention is work.  For years I worked at home a couple of days a week and that was great for getting things done that needed strong focus and attention.  I could, in my home, close a door, leave a room, or simply ask everyone to leave me alone to do something that required me to be uninterrupted for a while.

Now, I don’t work at home so much and I’m actually finding the time in the office wearing on me.  We don’t have walls in our office, at least not many of them and NONE of them are mine.  I also sit in an area that is central to everyone and every thing.  I’m close to the front door, the factory door, the kitchen door, the meeting room door – it’s very hard to maintain focus here. I don’t have a solution to this problem yet – but give me a minute to think about it.

Thanks for checking in

 

Credit for the graphic – found on pintrest – borrowed from Words

 

Leave A Comment, Written on March 28th, 2012 , Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , ,

“Theo was cursed with an artist’s soul but no talent. He possessed the angst and the inspiration but not the means to create” Christopher Moore (The Lust Lizard of Pine Cove)

That’s me – I can write a little but the story has to be evident – I don’t conjure – often. My paintings are done in my mind – I don’t have the courage to try putting them on something someone else can see. I can sing with passion and soul, but cannot follow a tune. I’ve no talent to speak of. Someone is meant to be the audience. Most often, that is the part that I’m particularly good at.

So, although it may appear that I have been away – truthfully, the lack of new material on my blog does not accurately indicate my presence – or lack thereof.

I am here, I have been experiencing life on a regular – even daily – basis – I just have no motivation to write anything about the experience but today, I thought I’d check in.

I am being self indulgent this weekend. I am camping – alone. Not just alone in that I’m the only one in the camper, but almost alone in the park – something that is only typical in the ‘off season’. The fact that there is only one place within reasonable driving distance that is open to campers at this time of year and there are only a handful of campers, even in this remarkably odd summer like March weather, seems to indicate that if nothing else, my passion for being ‘alone’ might appear to others – a little eccentric… the fact of the matter is that I’m just your standard run of the mill introvert but I’ll take eccentric…. if it allows me to indulge in solitude every now and again.

I do have the chicken dog with me. No, not a mutant animal breed, a real dog – with the personality of a stereotypical chicken (I have heard rumours that chickens aren’t really afraid of everything). I haven’t been able to coax the big baby out of the trailer since I opened the awning earlier today. She’s deathly afraid of the awning.

So this weekend, the chicken dog and I have been deliciously lazy – eating, drinking coffee, reading Christopher Moore books, listening to music and sometimes doing nothing more than looking inside instead of outside, not talking, not listening, breathing, partaking of the solitude, recharging my batteries.

Ok, well I’ve been doing those things, the chicken dog has been laying on the couch emitting a presence while I have been indulging but she doesn’t seem to be disturbed or offended by my lack of interaction – she, like me, is just happy to “be” this weekend.

Perhaps, with my batteries freshly charged, my inner artist will come out to play – one can only hope.

Thanks for checking in…

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