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Cover Story: 1UP's Assassin's Creed Week


Top 5 WTF Moments of E3
The most incomprehensible moments float to the top of the sea of madness.

By Scott Sharkey

Well, that's another show behind me. A whole week of presentations, parties, keynotes, women in improbable outfits, uncomfortable encounters with people I've written mean things about, more parties, and finally, a moment to look back and just sort of stand here blinking and wondering how much of it actually happened and which parts were just bizarre waking dreams brought on by sensory overload and lack of sleep. Here are the five moments that still have me doubting my mental integrity.

5. Yoko

It was neat when Paul, Ringo, and George Harrison's kid showed up on stage, though it was offset a little by the bafflement at seeing Yoko up there with them. It all finally made sense with the unveiling of a fifth Rock Band controller: a pair of ugly sunglasses worn by a player whose job it is to seduce one of the other four and irritate the rest until they shut the game off and go home.

I know Yoko's taken her lumps and been the butt of every joke written for the last 30 years, but damn, lady, you'd think you'd have learned to keep your head down. Why are you up there and not, I don't know, Pete f**king Best? Somebody throw that poor bastard a bone already.

4. Milo

Never mind the outright misleading presentation that implied actual speech recognition, or the fact that any enthusiasm shown from Peter Molyneux should be cut by at least a power of 10. I'm mostly just confused by the implication that anyone would want to re-play Seaman with the fish replaced by a small boy.

Well, other than Michael Jackson, who would have made an excellent presenter. Huge missed opportunity, if you wanted to keep working the butt-of-every-joke musician angle. Hell, we could have tried to get him on stage with Yoko to perform all the Beatles songs he bought the rights to.

3. Sony's Wand Thing
Sony's Wand Thing

It was maybe a little underwhelming when Sony followed Microsoft's controller-free demo with a fairly standard kind of motion recognition, but the thing is... well, the device shown was... I'm still kind of dumbstruck by...

Oh hell! It was a damn blinking wand! The thing looked like it was looted out of a discounted, knockoff "Harry The Wizard" Halloween costume from a dollar store. Someone must have left the actual controller at home and called their mom to pick something up on her way back from pilates.

2. InferNO

Well, it was fun while it lasted. The short-lived protest of EA's Dante's Inferno game provided a welcome dose of familiar, almost cozy insanity. Then the initial burst of unbridled amusement gave way to a deep sense of doubt, followed by a minimal amount of research. In a somewhat unsurprising validation of Poe's Law, it turned out that, yeah, EA staged the whole thing. Masterful, considering that it probably brought the game more attention than it has seen since its announcement.

Still, that doesn't change my plans for framing that pamphlet they gave out and hanging it in my bedroom. Among the subjects of their mock-condemnation was "Exaltation of Bodily Fluids," which needs to be a bullet point on every game's back cover.

1. Vitality Sensor
Vitality Sensor

Given that the audience at E3 skews a bit young and vital to begin with, the show probably wasn't the best place to unveil a peripheral that lets you know that your heart is still beating. Though that's pretty much the Wii's demographic at this point. "You're Still Not Dead: The Game." I'm looking forward to some genius attaching the thing to the end of his penis and inventing My Erectile Dysfunction Coach. Which, come to think of it, would work with that bullet point I mentioned earlier.

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Comments (62)

  • borgman9
  • Lol

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  borgman9
    Oh boy Nintendo is just getting lamer and lamer with that crap Wii vital thing is not even a game is just to help old people play Wii games what the fuck happend to Nintendo?Oh and I hate yoko DAMN YOU FOR BREAKING UP THE BEATLES BITCH!!!
  • Glides
  • Wii Vitality Sensor

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  Glides

    seriously, what the F@#K is that damned Wii Vitality Sensor even supposed to do? I have nothing against Nintendo (I have a Wii and a DS), but seriously, that just draws the line. Why are they making all this crap?

  • xxtouchxx
  • Did you watch it?

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  xxtouchxx

    Scott did you watch the coverage of Sony's motion controls or were you enjoying a Zima at one of your rockin' cool guy parties and just get a text about it before you continued to posted more shit you don't know about? It was prototype (Prototype n. : an original model on which something is patterned)! You can't rip on what it looks like when it's not what it's going to actually look like. Microsoft gets no "witty" post about it's Eyetoy but Sony gets the ol poke and pron treatment cause, well probably just cause its Sony. I don't mean to just be another bitching poster in a sea of hate that seems to be every message bored and comment section on the internet now, but this new hardware seems to really be getting a lot of crap for no real reason.

  • Army1
  • a theory..

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  Army1

    on why each product was made. See, Nintendo made the vitality system to make sure they're steady flow of fanboys, aging more everyday, and little kids, with their safety helmets in tow, have something to remind themselves that no matter what crap nintendo swings their way, it's ok, you'll live. Sony has their wand thing, i'm not so much for sure this is for average gamers as, how should I put this, gamer's with a diffrent preferance..A wand? hello...and MS bringing out Milo, I guess it's an easier way of saying seaman w/o getting that little giggle outta the guy in the corner who never talks to anyone but his toy dog bart...for cryin out loud, be happy with what we have, innovation is a great thing, no matter how gay is seems. And just b/c your a fanboy doesn't mean that b/c u dont get the cool toy for your system (lmfao @ nintendo) doesn't mean that your going to get left out. its a competitive market, and if one company see's another's success, they will find a way to mock the other's technology and spin it into their own creation...all about profit and how to exploit the market.

  • KodosKang
  • @ Elcot1n

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  KodosKang

    Now typically I restrain myself from useless insults on message boards/comment threads that probably won't ever be read but F*ck You Elcot1n...sorry about that I kinda like the Beatles...Elcot1n I know you are entitled to your own opinion so have at it and I hope you weren't too hurt by my ever so witty insult.

  • mentalman92
  • enternal darkness 2 possibly

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  mentalman92

    the vitality   sensor would be great if used on eternal darkness 2

  • H3FRK
  • Sony motion control

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  H3FRK

    Sony's motion control looks like it will be easier to implement in actual games then project natal. At least playing with sony's you won;t look as retarded as with playing with natal, because you'll at least have a controller in ur hand. With natal, millions of people around the world will look like they are trying to re-enact a scene from Simple Jack 3: Jack's First Car

  • rob61920
  • Great list!

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  rob61920

    I agree with the number 1 pick and everything on this list surprised me as well.

  • rawtheory
  • Yo CrimsonOkami

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  rawtheory

    Wacko-Jacko is a mutant pedophile...

  • CrimsonOkami
  • Michael Jackson = Love/Musical Deity/Rainbows/Superflyness.

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  CrimsonOkami

    Only one thing really irrtated me about this article.

    You did *not* need to bring Mike's name into this.

    Haterade? -_-


  • Elcot1n
  • yoko

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  Elcot1n

    thank you for split the beatles....thats her only good deed.

  • Spurmatogenocide
  • sony motion control

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  Spurmatogenocide

    if you watched the complete sony e3 coverage you'll hear that the design of the wand looking controller is not the final design.

  • go_sooners
  • Your still not dead

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  go_sooners
    I laughed until I crapped.
  • brian_k
  • hahaha

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  brian_k

    my erectile dysfunction coach!  I would expect it to hit the ipod/iphone first though =P

  • theultimate13x
  • You're Still not Dead: The Game.

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  theultimate13x

    Brilliant! When is it available from Nintendo Labs?

  • SilverWolf001
  • Sony Fanboys need to loosen up.

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  SilverWolf001

    It was a joke jesus christ don't get your panties in a knot.

  • Spazinator
  • Can't you...

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  Spazinator
    ...just FEEL the love here? It feels like hot shrapnel to the brain stem! :) Honestly, we can do w/o the thermonuclear flame war.
  • element_Infinitium
  • Sony's Wand controller

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  element_Infinitium

    At first, I thought it was a buncha goofs being.. goofs.

    But when they demoed it, it actually turned out to be pretty cool; but that dude couldn't hit a virtual object if his life depended on it.

  • parklife444
  • Vitality Sensor IS Already Proven

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  parklife444

    My guess is that nobody here has played, much less heard of "The Wild Divine." Game is PC/Mac, uses a USB vitality sensor (on several fingers). It's a Myst-like game, but the "puzzles" require you to control your breathing/heart rate to make things float and what have you. It's a trip, and amazingly fun.

  • roninspirit
  • Good list.

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  roninspirit

    Sony's motion controller presentation really didn't look like it was supposed to be a part of the show and like it was thrown together at the last minute just so they wouldn't be shown up by Microsoft. But really, how can you be shown up by a person jumping around like a monkey on stage and Peter Molyneux looking like he just got done doing unmentionable things to Milo behind closed doors and calling those the future of gaming? If that's the future, I'm fine in the present thank you very much.


    But yeah, this pretty much looks like my list of E3 wtf moments as well. I might have had Sony's announcement of a new Rockstar game followed by nothing but a logo in place of the Inferno protest, since I kind of thought the protest was a clever idea after finding out that it was staged.

  • MattClark
  • I personally enjoyed...

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  MattClark

    Nintendo's announcement of James Patterson's Women's Murder Club: Games of Passion.        

    I laughed out loud during the conference, really loud.  I almost felt bad for a second, until I realized everyone else was laughing too.  I actually thought it was a joke.  

    Also, anything involving motion controls or pre-pubescent NAMBLA sims at E3, regardless of which console dong some of you commentors apparently deepthroat, was RETARDED.

    Let me say this clearly again, just like I did to the Microsoft guy at the bar:


  • ButtonMasher
  • Hilarious!

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  ButtonMasher

    Someone had to say it... Peter Molynuex just created the first child molesting sim.  This is going to revolutize the Japanese dating sim market.  XBox 360 sales are going to go through the roof in Japan and... whaaaaaaa?  The Natal doesn't do voice recognition?!

  • Cronqvist
  • WTF Moment No. 6

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  Cronqvist

    Cammy not being fired after the disastrous E3 2008 Conference.

  • minkydink
  • Sony motion control

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  minkydink

    They said on the stage demo that it was a prototype which mean it isn't the finished project. Get the shit of your ear and actually listen to what ppl say. Even if I still had a 360 the natal didn't impress me. this controller impressed me whatever it will be called.

  • NextSureThing
  • SemiNormal

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  NextSureThing

    Regardless of how funny it is, the piece isn't meant to be taken as seriously as the few below me have taken it.  And looking at Griffo's collection, as well as his overly lengthy examination of characterization in God of War, I've concluded that he too is a Sony fanboy. 

    I'm fairly exhausted by fanboys of all stripes at this point.  Personally, I'm a fan of games, not console manufacturers.  Would that there were but one console so as to be done with console wars.  Seriously, I thought the 16-bit era was bad.

    That being said, thanks for a fun read Sharkey.

  • NextSureThing
  • que?

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  NextSureThing

    What's with all the Sony fanboys hating on what is obviously a tongue in cheek look at E3?  It's what Sharkey does; quick, bullet point articles that take the mick out of you.  There's no reason to get angry, unless you're a humorless dick, to borrow a phrase.

  • Griffo
  • Sharkey,

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  Griffo

    Suck up your disgustingly negative point of view on everything and fucking live your life. Jesus.

    Fucking pettiness.

  • Big_Baker23
  • oh sharky...

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  Big_Baker23

    hilarious, but the wiimote penis sensor...just great.

  • SemiNormal
  • Sony's Wand Thing...

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  SemiNormal

    ...worked. I think that was what was so "WTF" about it.

    For all the CG "bullshot" video we got of Natal, we only saw two demos: an entirely worthless "throw paint at a canvas" demo, and a "flail around to hit balls" demo. Nothing I'd even consider playing.

    The Milo demo, as scripted as it was, still didn't work properly (Milo repeated two phrases, then lost interest).

    As far as casual gamers go, Natal is certainly further along in development and will be more mainstream-friendly, but Sony's "Wand Thing" actually worked, and I'd certainly rather play their "sword & shield" demo than anything Natal had to offer.

    Of course, I'd rather play The Last Guardian, or Alan Wake, or the Wii Silent Hill remake than Wii Sports Resort or Wii Fit Plus, and I'm sure my contribution to those franchises will amount to 0.00001% compared to the casual gamer contribution.

    I guess it depends on whether you consider a game or peripheral "successful" on how much money it makes or how it advances gaming. The Wii is sure making a lot more money than the Dreamcast did, but I've had a lot more fun with one than the other.

  • Malick
  • I guess...

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  Malick

    there are a lot of Wings fans in the building?  Don't hate because Yoko goes over your heads.

  • MAN...

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  EATMEAHX8

    Is that Malick guy actually serious?

  • The_Fallen...
  • Justin tv is great

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  The_Fallen...

    Oh yeah I will add this; James Cameron was so boring it was painful. He talked and talked and basically said nothing of any real importance and at the end of his Avatar speech surprise surprise no footage. That fucking pissed me off. Plus James pissed off everyone on Justin tv which ended up in hilarious comments and backlash.

    This E3 was awesome. Oh, and all Hail Flamegoat!



  • THX-1138
  • Spot On

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  THX-1138
    I found this list amusing.
  • Dragongod83
  • Androscoggin county represent!

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  Dragongod83

    the wand looks like a carnival prize that a disgruntled Carnie from Aroostook county, Maine would would play with!  lol

    - Lewiston / Auburn Maine!

  • Xeiphyer
  • Hahaha

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  Xeiphyer

    Or they could make My Sex Coach, where you stick it on the end of your dick and it lets nerds pretend to have sex. Seriously what were they thinking with that device.. Silly old people!


    Thanks for this sharkey =P I enjoy your random lists of hadred haha.

  • demonknightinuyasha
  • personally...

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  demonknightinuyasha

    I felt the sony wand looked less of the harry potter knockoff variety and more of a glowing hitachi variety >.>

    I was also really pessemistic of the Milo thing from the start because I know how Peter Molyneux has been in the past, though if they could (eventually) pull it off it would be pretty impressive.

    The vitality sensor however is just fucking bananas regardless of how you slice it.

  • The_Fallen...
  • This years E3 was hilarious

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  The_Fallen...

    Mock up or not it looked like a piece of crap. At least Nintendo didn't pull this shit when the wii remote was first announced. They just didn't show it at all rather than give the audience the wrong idea of what to expect. Oh yeah and I bet the final motion controller looks strikingly similar to the turd shown at e3. And Milo blows.....

  • squeeex
  • Damn....

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  squeeex

    I totally fell that the Inferno thing, but it did seem just too good to be true. Crazy people are funny though, so this is really disappointing.

  • franwex
  • Woah! Dante's Inferno protest was staged?

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  franwex

    I'm still angry at Christian's though!

  • pandasnyper723
  • @EvilsBane

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  pandasnyper723

    That has to happen if the rhythm guitarist ends up failing his part.


    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  EVILSBANE

    There better be an achievement/trophy about her...

  • pandasnyper723
  • Lol Assassian and Glassmusic.

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  pandasnyper723


  • ionlyspeakcowbell

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  ionlyspeakcowbell

    jesus christ people, what the f***

  • Sabrewing
  • Scott SHARKEY?

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  Sabrewing

    Maybe you should change your name to Scott SNARKY. :)

  • rohan_horsemaster
  • all that said great conferences for all the big 3, even nintendo came back...

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  rohan_horsemaster

    strong, not for me personally, since I'm over mario ever since super mario world, but i'm sure lots of folks loved it.

  • rohan_horsemaster
  • @myself

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  rohan_horsemaster

    and they should quit trying to put sixaxis controls(cringes at call of duty 3 jeep driving) into ps3 games too.

  • rohan_horsemaster
  • @solidsharkey

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  rohan_horsemaster

    totally in agreement sharkey, and the same can be applied to the nintendo wii as a whole. Tried the wii last weekend and honestly the shame was overwhelming at having to shake the remote likie an idiot.  The sad thing is I was playing super mario galaxy which is almost waggle free.

  • Jacob_Paul
  • Holy Fuck

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  Jacob_Paul

    Some people cant take a joke.

  • HelloDentist
  • Oh, no... The internet strikes again...

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  HelloDentist

    Shut up, glassmusic. Shut up, assassian. 

    Don't you have better things to do than stand up for your favorite video game consoles?

    Who gives a fucking fuck.

  • gamernes
  • I agree with glassmusic - how dare you poke fun at Sony!

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  gamernes

    How dare you poke fun at Sony! You are not allowed to make fun of Sony! You are supposed to be a journalist! Journalists are BY LAW not allowed to make fun of Sony! UGO must be making you biased towards Microsoft. EGM/1UP never said anything mean about Sony before - ever. Also, where do you get off making light of the video game industry? I mean who the hell do you think you are? Video games are a serious business! I demand only serious coverage of video games!!!

  • hawkshockey11
  • ...

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  hawkshockey11

    What does the bottom of an avatar's shoe look like?

  • solidsharkey
  • @glassmusic

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  solidsharkey
    Were you too busy being a humorless dick to notice that it was a damn goofy looking thing for any adult human being to be waving around in any non-drunk context?
  • glassmusic
  • useless snark

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  glassmusic

    the presenters STRESSED that the sony wand controller was NOT its final form, and that it was a TECH DEMO. or were you too busy not being a real journalist to notice?

  • BlueBowser7
  • Another year of surprises...

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  BlueBowser7

    This is hilarious, but yeah, u r totally right, that PS3 conroller thing looks like a freakin party toy from Party City, but think about it, if you hold two (on in each hand) you could look like you work at the airport directing plane traffic, or then again, maybe it's just that you are trying to find a parking spot for your toaste... I mean PS3 console.

    Oh, and the Michael Jackson joke.... priceless

  • assassian
  • just had to find something to negative to say about sony

    Posted: userComment.createdDate by  assassian
    the guys who did the presentation about the motion controller did say that wasnt the finally look 4 it,i guess u want to justify the 360s whole milo shit. u guys at 1 up must be x box fanboys
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