Adam Sandler's Grown Ups 2 a gross and lazy no-star flop: review

Grown Ups 2

Zero stars (out of 4)

Starring Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, Salma Hayek, David Spade, Maya Rudolph, Maria Bello and Shaquille O'Neal. Directed by Dennis Dugan. 101 minutes. Opens July 12 at major theatres. PG

Adam Sandler scrapes the bottom of the barrel — and then he pukes into it — with Grown Ups 2, a lazily cribbed-together swamp of pointless and unfunny sketches that makes 2010’s Grown Ups look like Citizen Kane.

There’s no explanation why Rob Schneider isn’t back for the further adventures of five high school pals from the class of 1978 who reunited to prove how little they’ve matured. An attack of conscience, perhaps? So now they are four: Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade and their shameless ringleader, Sandler.

Dennis Dugan (Jack and Jill) is back to direct for round two but there’s little direction going on in this three-ring circus of cinematic torture.

With only the barest excuse for a plot, something about standing up to bullies and let’s have an ’80s-themed costume party, Sandler and former SNL writers Fred Wolf and Tim Herlihy have created a script in name only. Gags written by a troupe of Ritalin-addicted monkeys are funnier — and likely include fewer feces jokes.

In fact, bouncing boobs, urine, projectile vomiting, hits to the crotch, testicles and the contents of diapers seem to be an endless source of fascination for Sandler, who opens Grown Ups 2 by being sprayed in the face by an enthusiastically peeing male deer. And he seems to have a sudden appreciation for inflatable rafts: paging Dr. Freud.

Selfish wiseasses who end up with audacious babes, Sandler’s Lenny is married to curvaceous Roxanne (Salma Hayek) who always appears to be one sneeze away from popping her buttons. She’d like to have another baby but Lenny wants to stick to the three kids he has.

It’s a good policy. The cutesy annoyances that populate Grown Ups 2 are already too much to bear.

Sally (Maria Bello), married to James’ underachiever Eric — whose claim to fame is he can burp, sneeze and fart at once, creating a “burpsnart” — and Deanne (Maya Rudolph), wed to tricky cable guy Kurt (Rock), also partake in the crudity. Rudolph can’t seem to believe the leering line she’s given to purr to a buff fitness instructor. The joke, like many others, falls flat as an anvil.

Weedy looking Marcus (Spade) is still understandably single. He discovers he has a son, a hulking lug who shows up to spend the summer with his pop.

Women are ill used throughout, either set up as the butt of jokes or something to be ogled. Witness Paulina Gretzky, playing a drunken college co-ed, slurring and prancing about in a bikini. A career is born.

The guys don’t fare much better. Spade is stuffed into a tractor tire and rolled around until he vomits a green geyser. Meanwhile Twilight’s Taylor Lautner plays the most unlikeable character onscreen this year (and I’m including the World War Z zombies) as a trash-talking frat boy.

“Why is this never ending?” Eric wonders at one point. We feel his pain as the obligatory car-wash scene begins with soapy vixens and “Cherry Pie” blasting. But wait! It’s SNL’s Will Forte and Andy Samberg rubbing their short-short-clad fronts on the windshield. Hilarious!

The huge cast appears to cover off all those Sandler owes a favour to from his SNL days, plus a rag-tag bunch of cameos from Steve Austin to wrinkly ’70s rockers The J. Geils Band.

The original Monday night screening for Grown Ups 2 was cancelled due to a power outage at SilverCity Yorkdale caused by the massive storm that slammed Toronto. Perhaps the universe was trying to tell Sandler something.