Hi Carolyn, I loved your response in today's column. I have a concern on the other end of the girly spectrum. My almost-four-year-old is in love with pink, princesses, fairies, things that sparkle, accessories, nail polish, sassy shoes---all of it. I assumed she was just drawn to those things because she found them fun and aesthetically pleasing (I too love a good ruffle or sparkle), but now she's becoming preoccupied with "pretty." After I brush her hair, she asks, "Am I pretty now?" After she gets dressed, she asks, "Do I look pretty?" My husband and I have tried to limit talk of pretty to things like flowers or butterflies as being "pretty," though we do slip and tell her she herself is pretty at times (because, come on--she's my gorgeous little girl). We try to emphasize things she can control, like trying SO HARD to learn her letters, hit a ball, etc., but only "pretty" seems to be registering with her at the moment. I don't even know how to respond, when she asks me if she's pretty. I end up saying something lame, like, "You're always pretty, sweetie. We just got the tangles out of your hair, you know?" but that response is too long and not resonating with her. Besides, I worry about telling her she's pretty, but she backs me into a corner by asking me point-blank! Help!
"When I want to know that, I always ask myself, how do I feel inside?"
Road-test that and check back in. Especially at her age, there's a 99.99 percent chance it's a phase, but why not use the phase to guide her to find beauty a different way. Or ways.
You're welcome, and sorry for the frustrating result. Though, I have a hunch things will clarify themselves pretty quickly once you push past these initial self-conscious days.
From last week's chat: How did I manage the irritation? Very poorly! But we have a communication style that works for us, and we used it. It came from a long line of marriage failures in his family, and him gradually moving beyond what marriage meant for them vs. what we wanted to make marriage for the two of us. Also, he came to the realization that it wasn't fair to me to continue to put off the conversation. We've known for several years now that we want to spend the rest of our lives together; but the marriage hurdle was difficult with the associated baggage it comes with for his family. On being the "last one" to get married: I certainly agree with your sentiment. But when your best girlfriends get engaged after dating for 18 months and you've been in a relationship for 5 years, you sure can feel like you've fallen behind! (despite the three years of long-distance)
Love having blanks filled in, thanks.
Oh my goodness, you've ordered a pot roast at a tapas bar. But, er, okay:
Talk about the fact that you are both, similtaneously and almost perpetually, going to be too stressed or sleep-deprived or just plain tired for whatever it is you need to do at the moment (feed baby, change baby, bathe baby, try to put baby down for nap, make funny faces at baby, clean up house after Hurricane Baby, do laundry generated by baby, etc.). And, there will be no, "There! Done!" moment to propel you forward, because the next chore will pop right up at you like Pez. And it will be a while before your baby is interactive enough to give back in its little baby ways, like coos and smiles.
And so, both of you will spend a lot of time wishing the other would just take up some of the slack, possibly even resenting each other for not seeing how badly you need help.
If you're doing this right, both of you will feel you're giving all you've got--and recognizing that in the moment might be the single best thing you can do for your baby and for your marriage. Think of it as a sports cliche, because there's little that can't be condensed into an NFL broadcast staple: Both of you have to go into this ready and willing to give 110 percent. Don't just see your own 110, but also pay attention to and show gratitude for your husband's 110. Ideally this will be mutual. Thank each other.
I will also say: This particularly difficult time will look much smaller in the rear-view mirror, so keep that in mind, too--it looks its worst in the moment, then the moment passes.
Congrats and good luck.
Totally fair. Let everyone know you can't possibly see everyone in one weekend, so you intend to see everyone once over the course of these weekends, and more if it works out that way. Thank them all in advance for their understanding.
If the whingeing continues, then give it the, "I'm sorry to hear that," treatment, with a follow-up, "I thought I explained this at the beginning," as needed. Throw in an, "I even thanked you in advance for your understanding! Don't make me take it back!" bit of levity if you think it will fly.
I.e., be cheerful, be firm, and be familiar with the place in the back of your mind where you realize that it's nice for so many people to want your company, even if they're invasive and immature about the way they express it.
No. You already feel too deeply and know too much. Your son is currently digesting the consequences of his actions without your having to do or say a thing, and that's how it should be. Let things settle and give your son a chance to come to you with a more truthful version of events if and when he's ready.
I can make an argument for letting your son know what you know so there's no deceit-by-omission, but my best one is for letting him know well after this episode and its raw feelings and its immediate consequences are all behind all of you. I'm talking possibly years.
And that's if you choose to say anything at all, which I'm not convinced you should. It can also be knowledge you put in the pot of your understanding---of what happened, of your son, of past events that never fully made sense at the time, of future events that you'll see with new eyes--and draw from as you continue through life with your son, understanding that he's as much a bundle of gifts and flaws and triumphs and colossal screwups as the rest of us, which is why it's so great to have parents around who love the whole thing.
Without saying to him clearly that you'd like to stop taking your birth control pills tomorrow, as you agreed to? No, not even when it was part of your agreement that you wouldn't say anything.
There are no bigger deals in this world than giving and taking life. Tell him you realize you agreed not to make a big deal of it, but it is a big deal and you're not forging ahead without his present-day consent.
Plenty of people, if not most of them, give that consent while also harboring varying degrees of terror at the idea. Remind him of that, if it helps. As I've said before, it's the ones without any doubts who surprise me.
Good luck.
Tell him that you appreciate his friendship but have no interest in harboring an emotional fugitive, and that he needs to take his marriage complaints to his wife directly.
If that moves him to "cut off all contact entirely," then you'll know the ratio of ulterior motive to genuine friendship was never in your favor.
BTW, even if you did know his wife, the only way you could have been "the appropriate person for him to vent to" was if both you and he had a shared and transparent goal of strengthening his marriage.
Asking does not automatically = "mak[ing] them explain themselves." If you just say you know they're still hurting but aren't always sure what they'd like from you, then say you'll follow their lead whether it's to acknowledge the anniversary or let it pass without a painful reminder, I think it'll be clear to people you're not judging.
I think every time there's a sea change, there's an accompanying period of over-explaining as people settle in--especially when it's a change from One Expected Way to Anything Goes. Keep absolutely loving your ring for what it means to you, and ride it out.
Dear Carolyn, My husband and I are planning to host Thanksgiving for the first time (we've been married for nearly 5 years, but somehow we've held onto the 'young couple'ÃÂ status that forces people to travel around the world to accommodate their older relatives on holidays). We would really like to combine both of our families, since my husband's parents usually just have Thanksgiving at a restaurant, but we have some anxiety around this because the one other time we combined our families, pre-wedding, it didn't go very well. Any tips as to how we can make things feel comfortable for both families? The problems last time included stilted conversation, awkwardness about money, some petty competitiveness, and so on.
If you'd like to be able to host the two families as it suits you in the future, then don't take the one awkward gathering as the last word. Think of it as a long-term investment, and combine the families with the understanding that it won't ever be perfect but maybe, just maybe, you'll wear them all down enough eventually to find an equilibrium that works. The more they see each other (within reason), the more conversation-starters they'll develop, even if it's just, "Well, let's hope the turkey doesn't explode this year!"
As for this year, you might be able to get them invested in the outcome--while also taking some pressure off you--if you invite them to pitch in. Since your husband's parents are apparently inclined to make it easy, ask them to choose and bring the drinks, and since your side of the family apparently cooks, flatter them and encourage continuity by requesting they bring a family favorite.
Then, take detailed notes and share the results at the Hoot a couple of weeks later.
Love this, thanks, though I think you can switch out "dad" for "parent" and still be on point. I'm also sorry you got a father who made you pay such a steep price for his frailties.
Love all of this, thanks. Though I don't know if anyone has ever not tensed at being told to relax.
Ah. Well-played.
Best part, the exploding one will be a dud, and the "edible" one will explode. Or, both will be frozen solid even after a day of thawing and a lengthy steam shower with the cook. (Anyone recall the year of the Butterball shower?)
Not really, not if you've chosen your partner well. A mature and decent person will put his (or her, but using "his" for simplicity) full heart into his choice, and both accept and expect that it's not always going to be rosy-dozy and that even people who went into parenthood sans terror will occasionally long for the days when they could sleep in and not have to tend constantly to others' needs. Grownups don't resent others for their own decisions, and going on to have a child despite fears of what that involves is solely one's own decision.
So, short version, don't make babies with jerks.
Well argued, thanks.
Right, yes, with an underscore for the "Don't ignore red flags"--or merely your own misgivings, if they overwhelm your interest in any particular path.
I'll also add that your aunt's advice, responsibly applied, can also prevent a common, unintended consequence to living a life based on certainty. Certainly can close people's minds to outcomes that differ from what they hoped for or planned, some of which can be better than the original plan, or just as good but different. Accepting a degree of uncertainty can keep people from being rigid.
Right--thus the episode in the Hoot, when a novice cook bought a bird-rock pretty much with guests already on their way. (Hilarity and poultry spa treatments ensue: link.)
Great stuff, thanks.
This too, thanks.
More good stuff. (Sorry for not spacing these out.)
And this.
It sounds as if you're already dealing with your feelings in many productive ways, and they just haven't delivered results. -Yet.-
That doesn't mean they won't. It can take time for the dividends of your choices to become clear to you. For one, I think they're being obscured by the newness of this phase of life for your peers. When you're in the flurry of weddings, showers, housewarmings, etc.--and it is a flurry for most people--you're seeing many people who are at the height of their joy with these milestones. I don't mean to sound cynical, just realistic--some of these marriages will unravel; some of these houses will be money pits or just difficult assets to afford/maintain/deal with when the marriage unravels; some of these kids will be difficult and wear out their parents, who will love them nonetheless but who will give up a lot of other valued things to make it all work. The highs and comforts inherent in marriage/house/kiddoes are real and significant, but that's by no means all they involve.
And this will become steadily more apparent to you as your friends and family get a little farther along on their paths, and celebration mode gives way to the rigors of daily life.
This will happen, possibly, as the second part kicks in, where your "new/fun" things evolve into deeper commitments and pleasures.
It's a very long way to say "hang in there," but, hang in there. You've had reasons for all of your choices, so don't be afraid to trust them.
"To you, real friends challenge each other. To me, life is a constant challenge, and so real friends are the ones who accept and are kind to each other."
Discuss. Or, don't, and just let this alleged close friend know that you're not going to keep serving yourself up to be criticized.
He will likely call this proof you can't handle criticism., but that's fine--just tell him he's right, shrug, and spare yourself of his company. It's your prerogative.
As for the doubts this has strirred up, you can still pay attention both to your own behavior and to the ways your other friends do and don't reinforce it. It's useful to revisit occasionally our own idea of what a good person is, and to see if we're living up to that. No one needs unkind friends, not for self-improvement and not for anything else.
This is a good bookend to the "friends challenge each other" question, because we're often asked to walk--heck, locate--a line between accepting a friend, faults and all, and enabling a friend's bad behavior.
I think the most important thing to tease out in these situations is the type and degree of harm. When a person is self-destructive, it's useful for a friend to support the person while questioning the choices. When the person is harming or abusing the trust of others, then it's time to pull back and say why.
In the preceding question, if the "I must challenge you!" friend really thought the LW was a bad person in need of correcting, then the right move was to end the friendship, not harangue the friend.
In cases like this one, where there's a mix of self-harm and harm to others, I think it makes sense to say to her that you aren't comfortable anymore with your role as confidant, because you don't think it's helping--and, in fact, since she's lying to her shrink and still getting involved with married men, you think it's actually enabling her to give her a safe place to talk about this as if it's all okay. Say you want to remain her friend if she'll have you, but that her troubles are beyond your ability to help.
They actually might be; has there been any mention of mental illness beyind depression, or a screening for? The 20s are an age when many illnesses manifest themselves--hints of it in early adulthood, with mounting chaos as the 3s approach. Not that depression can't alone explain this, it can--and not that you can do much about it either way; it's more something to keep in mind as you try to figure out whether and how you can help. At a certain point, it becomes a matter for a pro and no amount of careful phrasing can make a dent.
This makes the distinction clear, thank you.
Did the person who talked about his brother throwing up all over the table in 1986 ever send you the photos?
No, and I haven't recovered.
Amen.
True, but this question was about people who were several years beyond a loss. In that case, I think it's reasonable to think that someone to whom you had sent a card on Year 1 and Year 2 would have a preference for marking Year 3.
Right--whereas this friend's behavior does, since he's essentially gaslighting the LW. Thanks.
Hi Carolyn, My husband and I have a 24-year-old son who moved away to San Francisco after college and has rarely contacted us since then. We reach out to him all the time, inviting him to holidays and offering to visit; we have also offered to pay for him to fly out to see us and his younger sister. He is always completely congenial, but never has time to take us up on our offers. Also, he never calls us anymore. We exchange VERY occasional emails about how he's doing, but his are often delayed by days and it seems like he's inconvenienced by having to communicate with us. We don't know what we did to deserve this kind of treatment, but it seems like we did nothing wrong - he just doesn't want the close relationship that we believed we would have with our adult children. So, what should we do? Just give up and stop pestering him? Or open a dialogue about our needs as his parents and hope it doesn't upset him?
Tough one, because it could just be that he's not a big communicator combined with being in a happy but also self-centered place in his life, in which case the answer would be to stay non-obnoxiously in touch* and don't take it personally. It could also be that he's actively looking to distance himself, though, and in that case, it might be useful for you to know his reasons ... but you could also make things worse just by asking for those reasons.
Good times!
So I'm going to hedge and suggest you stay non-obnoxiously in touch, and choose not to take it personally unless and until you get some whiff that he finds you objectionable. Also keep your eyes and ears open for an opportunity--of which you avail yourself -once- --to let him know you miss him and do wonder whether there's a reason he doesn't stay in closer touch. Assure him this isn't a guilt-trip, it's just an effort to understand so you don't inadvertently do things that annoy him.
Don't go looking for this opportunity. Really really wait till there's an opening, or a change in the way you deal with each other. If he remains congenial but elusive, then stick to your gentle efforts to remain in touch, give him time to exercise his freedom and independence as much as he needs, and see if he doesn't circle back a bit in a few years.
*This is in the eye of the beholder, obviously, but a call at some not-in-his-face interval, like every 2-3-4 weeks, and emails on a similar pace with family updates or something that caught your eye, will let him know you're there as his safety net but not as just another chore.
I'd embroider this on a pillow, but it would be one huge ass pillow.
Do you live close now? Does your mom? (I'm sorry, they should have invited you to the shower, though being asked to be in the wedding is not automatic, nor should it be.)
I can imagine it, easily. Some people just live in their moment. but, yes, the sister might have useful insight.
What I was getting at with the circling back--thanks for the example.
Yes, some of the many. All you can do is love kids fully, teach them as well as you can, be open to what they have to teach you, and be willing to let them go. It's (even more) complicated by the fact that you -want- them to launch independent lives, and you make countless decisions to encourage that.
Memo to foot-draggers,* call mom and/or dad! Cheez.
*Just the foot-draggers--I know many of you have your reasons.
:D
Bye! Thanks! Have a great weekend.
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