Jurassic Park: The Game Makes Me Want to Gouge My Eyes Out

Jurassic-Park-The-Game-Action-Montage-Trailer

This has been almost six months in the making. My friend Dot was looking for one of the worst games that she could play, and settled on the atrociously reviewed Jurassic Park: The Game. Now, TellTale Games is getting ranting reviews with their The Walking Dead game, however, they certainly did not do a good job bringing Jurassic Park to life.

From the acting, actions, and even the graphics this game has me so underwhelmed and uncomfortable, that my friend and I are severely happy that the Prologue is almost over. Yea, she has only played the Prologue of the game and we are simply bored to tears and frustrated over the crappy actions that you must perform. However, when things are not done correctly, it is severely fun to watch characters get eaten. And I mean chomped down upon hardcore.

This game has got to be one of the cheesiest I’ve ever seen. I’d say “played” but I’m luckily not the one playing is awkward game. Usually I am able to endure bad voice acting, however, even I am sick of stereotypical Spanish accents, and nasally conniving voices from dudes with glasses. Every inch of this game is awkward, awkward, awkward, with a dash of “I’m about ready to fall asleep during this game.”

Now I’m all for “point and click” like games. In fact, sometimes a game where there is nothing but storyline can get me amped up. We all know I’m a story person. However, when awkward button combos correlate with a shitty storyline all I can say is “Major Fail!” Some of the combos put Dot’s hands in such awkward positions that it was no wonder she was having issues completing the tasks that needed to be done.

Dot was literally sitting with her head in her hands as we decided to press on through the Prologue at least. And no, I doubt she will ever finish this game.

We cringed through every inch of the beginning and it’s officially two hours of our lives that we cannot get back. So much awkwardness should never be crammed into one game. EVER! I’d much rather wait for the 3-D Jurassic Park movie to come to get my dinosaur fix. This game does not give the movies justice whatsoever.

As Dot said to me just now, “This game makes me never want to play a game again.” What kind of game can legitimately want to make gamers just give up? Now, to be fair, that’s never going to actually happen, but I’ve never been so disinterested in a game before. My eyes were literally glazed over and I almost leaned on the couch and passed out.

So in retrospect, please do not ever try this game unless you actually want to play one of the most horrendous games ever!

Now for your enjoyment, some terrifyingly horrendous pics of us being bored to tears.

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February 25, 2013. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Playstation 3, Xbox 360.

4 Comments

  1. Katy Bug replied:

    Wow. It’s so sad when a game (or movie) passes the “so bad it’s good” stage to “just plain bad.” This is a great responsibility that you took on, and I hope your efforts will be rewarded by no one EVER playing this game again. Thank you for doing this so no one else has to.

    • SexyGamerGirl replied:

      My friend and I are toying with the idea of finding really bad games and enduring their awfulness so I can blog about them. I’ve got to come up with a title. Luckily, my friend has volunteered to actually play them while I watch with a glazed expression upon my face. We are thinking about maybe nabbing a copy of Aliens: Colonial Marines since people keep saying how terrible it is. We are currently compiling a list of shitty, shitty, games.

  2. Jose Antonio Jariol replied:

    I heard bad things… I can’t believe you went through it. Kudos.

    I should go through something just as bad.

    PS. Are you OMGWTFBBQ-ing as much as me with Assassin’s Creed 4 announcement? (MOAR NAVAL BATTLES!!!)

    • SexyGamerGirl replied:

      I am absolutely bugging out over the new AC! Although I will admit that I’m officially of the trailer playing every ten minutes in my store. But OMFG, you’re going to get to be a pirate. A legitimate pirate!

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