Shaking Hands with the Opposite Gender

While I agree that the NY Times columnist's opinion is not exactly respectful or tolerant, it was a little hard to take *this* column seriously when the writer used the opportunity to bash liberals. Was it really necessary to sarcastically call the woman "a good liberal"? You're right, being in a moral quandary IS the sign of "a good liberal," and I hope we can all experience a few more moral quandaries and show a little more humility, instead of being disrespectful toward people who are different from us.

Cheap shots are the sign of a weak argument.

I enjoyed this article I never noticed except when I lived in Jerusalem. G-D Bless everyone.

Thank you for explaining this belief.

Thank you for writing this. It is sad when people mislabel certain practices due to a lack of understanding.

I'll tell you how that Jewish real estate agent's wife feels...great! Her husband isn't touching other women! He's probably not hanging out with them in private, either. The woman who was so offended should realize that she's actually discriminating...against that couple's marriage. I'm very happy my husband doesn't go around touching other women. I wish more people put up this fence...there were be fewer incidences of inappropriate (abusive or extramarital) relationships in the workplace .

PLEASE! If your husband is tempted to cheat because he shakes the hands of women be it in a professional context or a respectful greeting your problems are deeper than cultural. Or should I say his problems. I respect others and their beliefs but antiquated religious ones keep us from all becoming one world. I would also research the reason for this practice because you'll find the origin of this has been misunderstood for YEARS!!

I think your absolute ignorance does not let you see the beauty of this belief . He did not do anything to hurt in any way . He explained himself in very professional manner. And people like youare the ones who create chaos in the world by not understanding and everyone is different in their own way .

i completely agree with the above commenter this is ridiculous in some cultures it is considered disrespectful for a man to touch a woman's hand. in this multicultural and globalized society, people need to realize that not everyone has the same preferences.

A beautiful, well explained comment on a pitiful story, compounded by the fact the so-called Ethicist is a Cohen.

Putting the observant always in the place of explaining is not a complete answer. I have just learned a lot through Aish and will do my part to respect should the situation occur.

I admire people with religious convictions that will not bend in order to be popular. That's their business. These are the same people who do not want their children to play with non-orthodox children. The only "contact" they will seak with non-orthodox people is when money is involved. There is no interest in any social intercourse with "out-siders". And thats the way it is.

instead of "offending" the women, if I was a man, I'd more choose to not shake either hands - that way the woman won't feel "left out" or odd. sometime though, I do find it kind of "stinks" to be born in any predicament that there's really nothing you can do, naturally speaking, to change it.

Would the woman be as offended if the man told her he won't change his clothes in the same room as her? Or maybe that he wouldn't sleep in the same room as her? These are activities that no doubt this woman will do with other women but not with women (i.e. she'll change in a women's changeroom but not in front of men, or she'll share a hotel room with a female friend but not a male friend). "Sexism is sexism"???? People need to realize that not only are their differences between the sexes, but even people who claim that there are no differences clearly act in ways that demonstrate they believe there are differences - i.e. feminists who claim no difference between men and women will still only change in women's changerooms - etc. The same goes for physical contact - I'm sure most women, regardless of how liberal and "equality"-minded, would feel more comfortable having a female doctor, or a female masseuse, or intensely hugging a female friend. This woman needs to realize that she treats men and women differently, too, and the only difference between her and this Orthodox man is where each one draws the line.

excellent points

I find the comment "when you're in the business world get over it" very nearsighted. For the record I am not orthodox. Observance of laws such as "negiah" (prohibition of touching) is a way of life that most Orthodox Jews have chosen to follow. As the author of this article states, It is not in any way meant as disrespect towards a member of the opposite gender. I agree that the custom should be explained to avoid confusion or negative perception.

Anonymous on August 3, 2010, I TOTALLY AGREE! There is no way I would ever work with someone who refused to shake my hand for religious reasons. Health reasons I can understand, but religion is nothing more than an excuse to behave badly for most people. This is no exception. Refusing to shake someone's hand is deeply offensive no matter the sex of those involved.

I am a Muslim woman, and I am embarrassed every time a man tries to shake my hand and I have to explain why I can't, because we have the same laws as the Jews! I'm not an object to be touched, period! We are not badly behaved, we follow the Law of God for our salvation! We believe that if we obey Him we go to paradise, if we don't we burn in the afterlife! It has NOTHING to to with disrespect for the opposite sex, but just the OPPOSITE! We respect that bodies are private, and only your spouse or first degree male relative can touch you. If you can't respect other people's religions - Amish Christians, Hassidic and Orhtodox Jews, Muslims - and narrow mindedly interpret their behavior wrongly, then you are the one who is badly behaved and arrogant! Sorry, but that's just the fact!

Health reasons everyone can understand - why won't you get upset with someone who can't eat pork for health reasons, but when it comes to kosher, they become crazy? Why is someone wearing a headcovering for health reasons (I can think of many) just fine, but as soon as it becomes a matter of religion, they are being rude? It's all the same thing, just a difference in the way you view it. You choose to get insulted because you disagree with religion - that doesn't mean it's wrong.

I am a business woman who found out the hard way (more like the embarrassing way) yesterday that Orthodox Jewish men do not shake hands with women. This was a client whom I had been speaking with on the telephone. When I finally met him in person I extended my hand, only to have him quickly pull is entire arm back. I have read the posts that it is to avoid any potential "sexual" contact. Believe me, the thought wouldn't have even crossed my mind. I don't care what your religion is, when you are in a business setting you play along to business practices.

While I don't agree with the way he refused (there are polite ways of doing so, and of minimizing the embarassment - however, sometimes the other person is also taken by surprise, or just doesn't know how to react smoothly), you must understand that the aspect "get over it" doesn't apply here. I don't know if you are a religious person (I would assume not, though, considering your comment), but the things we do are G-d's word. G-d said "don't kill" just as He gave the laws of contact between the sexes - it is all His law. We don't "get over" one part of it that you, in the society we live in today, don't understand, any more than we do the prohibition of murder, which thankfully, society today still does understand.

When I was working as a newspaper reporter, I was assigned one day to cover an event in our local Orthodox Jewish community. After interviewing several people, I spoke to the rabbi's wife for a few minutes to ask her questions, and at the end of the conversation, like I always do, I extended my hand for a polite hand shake. She just ignored it. She didn't acknowledge the gesture and she didn't explain why she would not shake my hand. At the time I was offended, and I think most people would be. So I ask all Orthodox Jews who practice this custom -- PLEASE explain it to outsiders if such a situation comes up. You will be doing your part to avoid misconceptions about your people, and by explaining such a custom you won't be inadvertently offending someone who is otherwise friendly to your community.

Orthodox Jews must follow the "rules" of Orthodox Judaism. The rules can't be bent, ie, reasoned away. Please respect this as you would like what matters to you to be respected. It is not an insult to anyone that a Jew follows his or her rules. Please try to understand.

Many people avoid physical contact - OCD, Germaphobics, SwineFlu worriers, etc. Their behavior - avoidance, wearing breathing masks - has nothing to do with you, but involves certain personal rules. That's their problem. Getting upset, yours. . See the movie "David and Lisa".

This not just jews, Muslims also do not shake hand with opposite sex. It leads to one step closer to do a great sin. First shake hands then hug, then kiss on cheeck and then on lips and what else. Not shaking hand is due to the respect not to insult to someone.

I came to this post because I work with an Orthodox Jewish man. He is very respectful of me and my work, but it is starting to deeply bother me that he will not shake my hand, or give me a greeting that is equal to the one that he gives my male co-workers. I don't wish to make him uncomfortable with a handshake, and I believe that he does not wish me to be uncomfortable either. However, I am, because when he shakes hands with my co-workers and not me, I feel lessened, and singled out due to my gender. It's already hard enough to pave my way in my male-dominated field. I would like to approach him to see if there is a way we can come to an understanding so that I will feel respected as an employee and a co-worker, and he will not feel like he is breaking with his religious beliefs. Any ideas? By the way, I consider my deep-seeded feminism to be at the level of religious belief. By singling me out by my gender and assuming that touch is sexual, or assuming that I am even attracted to men, that is something I do not believe is right. I don't have a holy book to back me up, but that doesn't make my belief any less strong.

You're sure that shaking your male co-worker's hand is entirely non-sexual - FOR YOU. But how can you be equally sure that it would be entirely non-sexual for HIM? Let's say, for argument's sake, that if he shook your hand it would not arouse any sexual feelings in him whatsoever. However, it is undeniable that in general men find women to be attractive, and that in at least some cases ostensibly "purely businesslike" handshaking is tinged with sexual interest. Now what? An orthodox man should shake hands only with those women whom he is sure he has no sexual interest in whatsoever? Now THAT'S offensive. Everybody knows that David will shake Caren-the-frumpy-middle-aged accountant's hand, but will never ever shake Sharon-the-cute-young secretary's hand. So who do you want to be - Caron or Sharon? If you asked me, I'd say neither. It's much, much better for David to not shake ANY woman's hand.

I was requested to meet with an orthodox jew in a business setting yesterday and was surprised but not offended that he shook hands with a male colleague but not with myself. He did say "I hope you are not offended" but did not expand. I assumed this was the custom in his religion and respected this. The other women in the office engaged in agitated conversation following his visit and will be pleased to hear that it is a mark of respect.

I (not an Orthodox Jew) respect people based on who they are. I recently was in a situation in which an Orthodox Jew, of the opposite sex, refused to shake my hand in a business encounter. Instead of explaining his position and religion I was simply told that he does not shake a womans hand. I was offended. Had he taken a moment to explain to me,in my ignorant position, that this shows respect to his wife in his religion I would have understood and not been offended. Alas, no explanation was offered other than that he did not shake a womans hand. I do think that this is a beautiful way to bring your spouse to the most important male/female relationship in your life after reading the explanation here. For all who read this, please, take a moment and further explain to someone who may not have had the opportunity to learn this before. I would not have walked away mad about it if only a little more information had been shared. I don't expect that everyone knows where I come from and how to take everything I say or do because every persons life experience has taught them some things, but not all.

Why should somebody be forced to touch another human being whom they are not comfortable touching? To an orthodox man, touching a woman is a sexual action, and trying to force him to take part against his will in what he considers a sexual action is sexual harassment, plain and simple.

I believe when in Rome do as the Romans do.
If I was in their home, I'd try to remember they don't like to shake hands and respect that. However they should also respect our customs when they are in our home and shake our hands.
I wouldn't travel to Italy and start kicking up a fuss because they won't serve me a full English breakfast.

Muslims have the same retriction. It's definitely not a sign of sexism and lack of respect. Get over it and realize the importance of it to an orthodox person.

Most people love having the attention on them when you seem genuinly interested. If you know you are in a situation where you have to refuse a handshake, make up for it by being respectful in other ways, showing genuine interest, being polite, telling her about some event she might be interested in or some antedote from your life (very brief). Make yourself as human as possible and elevate her so that when it comes to refusing a handshake (blaim it on your loyalty to your wife), it won't be a big deal as she won't view it as a sign of disrespect.

I think it's wrong to think that this woman was only reacting to the fact that this Orthodox man wouldn't shake her hand. People respond to a whole bunch of things in body language. Maybe the Orthodox Man refused to shake her hand impolitely. Or perhaps he wasn't as friendly as he could be or that she was used to. However, maybe he was perfectly polite and friendly and maybe this woman just got offended by the fact he wouldn't shake her hand.

Which leads me to think:
1. This orthodox man by not shaking this woman's hands in effect made Judaism and religiosity look bad because she viewed 'not shaking hands' as a sign of sexism and lack of respect. Maybe shaking hands would have been the better thing to do. However, maybe to this man, it was so important to him to keep shomer negiya rather than do what many religious people who are shomer negiya would do, to shake hands.

A solution to this for a man who doesn't even want to break shomer negiya when it comes to shaking hands (even if it might hurt another's feelings) is to say upfront:
"This is not to be sexist. I do not shake hands with women who are not my wife. It's a custom that I hold because I want to be as loyal to my wife as possible and in our culture we don't touch other women even in handshakes in order to be loyal and maximize our sensitivity to touch."

This comment might seem very bold and many men might be embarrassed saying it but the other option would be to overcompensate and be more polite, more friendly than usual in order to give off a good impression. Basically this woman didn't feel like she was respected. To rectify this, this man could have showed her much respect and been on his friendliest in order to avoid her feeling as if she wasn't respected when he avoided to shake his hand. And not just friendly, friendly the dale carnegie way, make her feel valued, talk in terms of her interest.

Every religious Jew in my opinion should take the Dale Carnegie course to learn how to 'Win friends and influence people' and to also not rub people the wrong way. You don't want to make G-d's name look bad or religious people look bad. Make religious people look good by being the best person socially that you can be.

Another option would be to have a card
in his pocket. When the woman holds out her hand to shake his hand, he takes out the card and hands it to her and says,
'What do you think of this design?'
Diverting the attention. And always cary around a funny means of diverting. If she ends up noticing this, then the man could tell her but do so in a way not like 'I'm religious and I do this" but more like "please don't hate me". Sometimes you have to take yourself down from your pedastool in order from not offending another and creating a bad impression.

i has never met an hasidic jew until yesterday. my encounter with him was one of the most profound learning expereinces in my life. I approached him to let him know that i appreciated his people and i was so happy to meet him i went to hug him as i would anyone eles however he recoiled in horror. i was perpelexed and after this clumsy social exchange he was so kind and expalined to me what it was of his religious belief that men and women do not hug or shake hands. he said that he apprecatied the kindness that i extented toward him and the Jewish popele. he helped me get an understanding and it was appreciated. I think that the exchange between the agent and the women could have been politely explained, that i think would have helped to garnish any hurt feeling or distain for their traditon. i walked away from the experience with an even greater respect for them.

I was rebuked not too long ago for extending the hand to a business-
woman and was "shocked" at her resistence and recoil(she was a practicing Muslim). Afterward I was thankful for the experience because
it brought into perspective how I
treated people so casually.Restraint
and respect are so lacking in society
that gestures of decency(decency as in not extending the hand) are percieved
as "disrespect".Nevertheless we are accountable to G-D alone when it comes
to such matters as modesty,loyalty to
family and faith."As for me and My house...." Imre j Csikany

I wonder why this woman was so offended at the noncompliance of this man to shake her hand. Seems to me that she was a little more interested in him than just the real estate contract. If she got this upset it was because she felt her emotional advance was shunned.

I appreciate Randy Cohen's column very much and was surprised by his thoughts on this topic. Has he seen this article by Jonathan Rosenblum? I would REALLY like to hear his response to "The ethicist of the NY Times gets it wrong."

As a formerly secular woman who reached out over twenty years ago to shake her religious brother's hand in congratulation at his wedding, and was rebuffed with no comment, I have to weigh in with those readers who write about using judgment in situations.
For those who tow the line with no exceptions, an explanation needs to accompany the behavior of not shaking hands.

No matter how unintelligent, illogical, and misguided Randy Cohen's advice is about tearing up the contract, it is equally misguided and illogical to foist one's practices on another out of the blue, especially when that person has extended (as in the US) a hand as a gesture of faith, trust and keeping one's word. (Remember handshake agreements?)

What does the Torah (Chumash) tell us about honoring the stranger, helping even one's enemy, preserving dignity, not doing to others what one does not want done to oneself?

Even though, as a new T'shuvah, I strongly thought that certain opinions of the Talmudic sage Shammai were clearly more techically correct than those of Hillel, after a while of learning and practicing I saw the wisdom of the sages in choosing the opinions of Hillel and his school, and understood why Hillel's school and authority lasted for several hundred years. Justice needs an overbalance of mercy to compensate for humanity's frailness.

As a businessperson, I see that the real tests of faith and practice take place in all the small decisions that constitute a day; all the interactions with others and the tests of practice for oneself. Certainly each person's tests are different, but they should not involve shaming or hurting another person unless that is strongly called for.

I am looking for a job. The last time I was looking for employment was more than two years ago. At the time I was without a job for about 5 weeks. During that time, I was interviewed by a very large, prominent, and established company. Working there would look very good on my resume, and would pay very well. I was greeted by a woman who extended her hand. I did not take her hand and explained that I don’t have any contact with the opposite gender. The interview began. She explained what she was looking for. I was given a written test. It seemed to me that I fit the job description like a glove. I didn’t get the job. The only thing I could think of was the handshake. A short time later I received a different job. One year later the world was shell-shocked when the World Trade Center and many of the surrounding buildings crumbled. Guess where I would have been had I received that much-coveted job.

I mentioned that I am once again looking for a job. You can bet your bottom $ that a hetero-handshake is one principle I will not compromise on!

I wonder what both the Ethicist and the woman questioner would have done if instead of dealing with an Orthodox Jewish real estate person, she had been dealing with a person who couldn't shake hands because of a skin condition which would have been exacebated by touching another person?
Why is it only Jewish customs and practices which are seen to be strange, particularly by another Jew (or an ostensible Jew)?
This particular situation is not about ethics but about manners. The woman is ignorant about Orthodox Jewish practices and was therefore taken aback. Randy Cohen should have explained that there was nothing to be shocked about and nothing to find offensive.

Yes, we Jews are not supposed to touch those of the opposite sex. However, there are times when one has to use judgement on the spot regarding cultural norms, and go with the rabbis that allow shaking hands. As an orthodox woman in the business world, and also connected in a certain way to the non-religious Jewish world, I encounter many men who simply wish to be courteous and show me respect by shaking my hand, as they would a business associate's or friend's. I can tell that many of them already don't know what to make of me, with my hair covered and long sleeves and skirts, and multitudes of little children often hanging around said skirts, so when they extend their hand I generally shake it, rather than add to their discomfort and even fear of the unknown, by not emitting what may be interpreted as a "holier than thou" attitude, which could make these men feel silly or embarrassed. As these men learn more about orthodox Judaism, they stop putting out their hand, and are comfortable with that. But on the first meeting, and often their first encounter with orthodoxy, my assessment is that it is preferable to shake now, and explain later. And here is one little tidbit that may help to put things in perspective - when women come to visit the Sephardic chief rabbi, they kiss the ring on his finger, just like the men. No, I am not a rabbi, but this is an example of a cultural norm in the sephardic society where everyone kisses each other on the cheeks upon meeting - and I mean everyone - men kiss men, women kiss women, etc. My opinion is to keep things in proportion.

I work with high-profile clients, and am quite successful, thank G-d. As a Torah-observant woman, I do not shake hands with men. I'll admit it's not always easy because you know the other party feels a little dumb, but very soon into the meeting the see you for who you are -- highly talented and personable. That more than makes up for shaking hands - trust me. Shaking hands against your religious convictions is just comes from insecurity. (Don't get me wrong - mustering up the courage to not shake hands is a VERY hard thing to uphold. Thankfully I don't encounter this issue every day.) My company has never lost a client because I wouldn't shake hands. On the contrary, I would venture to think that I'm a more memorable person (and that is definitely a business advantage). One more thing to remember: If you believe in Divine Providence, then this carries over to your success in business. When you do Hashem's will, you never lose.

Approaching the exit after attending a Hasidic rebbe's tisch we (women) were asked to move back so the rebbe could leave the shul without seeing us. One woman became very offended at this. I told her she should be flattered to be thought so desirable that even to look at her elbow would inflame the rebbe, a traveled and sophisticated man.
She thought about it for a few seconds, said OK and left with a smile.

Well said, Jonathan. Indeed, Cohen's counsel was "a sham, and a shame," surely lacking any measurable sense of wisdom.

I find the response of the "ethicist " spoken of appaling. But the point made about tzniut becoming, in extreme cases, a misused tool for denigration of women seems to me a "slippery slope", as the author called another such delicate and subjective issue. Where does the line between preserving dignity and sexual exclusity cross over to become a deliberate confounding of women's healthy self-expression? I fear many women may stifle their own creativity, need for exersize (not to be taken so lightly), and artistic leanings, among other things, in the name of what is lauded in some Jewish communities as "tzniut". To me, that seems a shame and an embarresment to an establishment (orthodox Judaism) which purports to forward a way of life which is G-d given in every way. Guess what? G-d made women's bodies, minds, creative abilities and needs, also. I'd love responses discussing this important and sensitive issue. My opinion is in no way based on conclusive research and insight, just a concern which has been brooding for quite a while as I quietly live my chareidi life in Jerusalem. Thanks. Great article. I hope the people spoken of in it read it and take it to heart.

In the case of the real estate agent not shaking the woman's hand, I understand that embarrassing someone (in this case the woman was admittedly shocked) is equivalent to shedding blood, and one should never embarrass someone.

I was very glad to see your article which I agree with wholheartedly.I felt that the Ethicist" was definitely out of order!

As I read the NY Times Mag. column, the first thought that went through my mind was "aish article." And,look!, here it is!!! Thanks for giving Randy Cohen a piece of my mind.

My rav of some years ago (Eastern-European Yeshiva trained) taught his students that it was worse to decline to shake hands, resulting in the almost inevitable embarrassment to the other party, than to shake with the intention of deriving no pleasure from the interaction (derech eretz kadmah l'Torah). This approach makes much more sense to me than making a big deal out of "not shaking" and offending people (a chillul Hashem, as witness the reaction of the woman in the story). Wouldn't any of us be insulted in the same situation, unless of course we were privy to the customs of orthodox culture?

Sure, the orhodox man may have been correct. But he should have at least mentioned to her his religious obligation, and "shaken her hand" with lashonim tovim-good and honorable words-to her person, so to lessen her alienation. In latin countries hugs and kisses are second nature even between newly meeting people. I can certainly imagine a scene between a Germanized Jew and a Latinized Jew. If the law forbid physical touching, there must be a compensatory act of emotional appreciation for the business.

Great point. Nowhere in the contract does it say they have to shake hands. Why is it acceptable of anyone who is not Jewish to follow their beliefs and yes, what is divinely mandated? Florida does not question a woman who wants to wear her burka because of her beliefs on identification, but the "Ethicist" feels that the Jewish man should not follow his own beliefs. He would not be much of a believer if he broke the rules. Absurd. These are the reasons I no longer read the NY Times.

The response of Randy Cohen to the offended feminist who was denied a handshake (The Ethicist 10/27/02) was knee-jerk liberalism at its worst.



Let's get the facts straight. Orthodox Judaism is just that...ORTHODOX. It's adherents, especially the right-wing genre, are strict in its observance and do not believe they have the "luxury" of reinterpreting the Torah laws that have already been interpreted by the greatest Sages of the world. What this woman described was not sexism, as that implies the superiority of one over the other. Nothing could be further from the truth. If a woman chose to adhere to the strict commandments, she too, as a businessperson, would not shake the hands of men she did business with. It's as equal as you can get--one is not inferior to the other--and they treat each other with the utmost respect.



Equating religious observance with the school desegregation case is like comparing infanticide to prostitution. While segregation and prostitution may have serious social implications, religion and infanticide are clearly nonnegotiable. The Supreme Court may decide societal issues, but there is no parity between G-d's laws and man's.



The thin-skinned, self-described "feminist" should consider that Feminism endorses freedom to be the person "you want to be," without restrictions. Why, then, can't the real estate agent be who he wants to be, without being accused of a major offense? He didn't attack her, after all. He didn't impinge on her space--quite the opposite--she is trying to infringe on his! Imagine, for a moment, what might have ensued, if he were of the secular world, and he wanted to kiss her upon sealing the deal!!!



The "ethicist's" advice to "tear up the contract" is unethical, incredibly divisive, and would never stand up in a court of law without evidence of impropriety. The agent deserves to be paid for the undoubtedly long hours, maybe even weeks or months, of his time invested in bringing the deal to fruition. Ms. Feminist even states that the agent was courteous and competent, and gave her the contract she desired. Isn't that what she hired him to do? Why are there strings attached? A good Feminist would never stand for that!!!



Wrong call, Ump! Ms. Feminist is the offensive one!!

I really appreciate the comprehensive article on this subject, and agree wholeheartedly with the writer. It confounds me, when the people who tout tolerance for gays, free speech, abortion, etc., have zero-tolerance for religious observance (except perhaps their own). If an Orthodox Jew wishes to dress and behave in a tzniusdik way, the left-liberal abhors such behavior! However, the same person might laud the Amish for persevering in his different life style. When I'm faced with being expected to shake hands with a man, usually in the office, I very quietly explain that an Orthodox woman MAY NOT shake hands with a man. It sometimes amazes me, that "free speech" seems to be a one-way street. I don't demand of the ethicists to live my way .I wish Mr. Cohen would, but I would never demand that he does so.

Randy usually gives such thoughtful, calm responses to ethical questions. But this was so heavy-handed and awful it makes me wonder...what's bothering Randy?