Alright, let's play some Jag!

We've already established that the graphics weren't much of a leap for 64 bits, but graphics aren't everything. Take a look at Tempest 2000. It's an arcade-style game with a three-dimensional feel. It's really addicting and fun to play. Basically, you're in space with a bunch of 3D shapes to shoot stuff and collecting power-ups. Funny to think that something so simple happens to be one of the best games the Jaguar has to offer. It even has some good kickass music. So kickass that there was actually a soundtrack on CD. What's this monster on the cover? Does that ever happen in the game?

Let's check out Alien vs. Predator. It's a first-person sort of survival/horror flick. You can play as not only the Alien and the Predator, but as the Marine. With each character, your objectives are completely different. Surprisingly, it's most fun to play as the Marine, because you have the gun. But with the Alien and Predator, you have to sneak up on people. Not much to say, but it's another memorable game on the Jaguar.

Next up, the big motherfucker of first-person shooters, Doom! This is one of the best console ports of Doom I've ever played. It comes as close to the PC version as it gets, but they had to ruin it with one thing. There's no music during the gameplay. Really? Was there any reason not to have music? Did they run out of time? Some might consider it scarier that way, but it would've been nice to have the option. I call this one "Silent Doom," so just put on some Slayer and you're all set.

So I think I've covered most of the real famous Jaguar games, so now let's look at something more obscure. Attack of the Mutant Penguins. I gotta admit, the name alone got my attention. What the hell's going on? From what I understand, there's a bunch of penguins walking around. They buy tickets and then go into a transformation booth where they become evil mutant penguins. And from there, they go to the Doom Scale, yeah, the Doom Scale. They jump in the mouth and then appear on the scale. So, you gotta stop the penguins by using a weapon, for example, a baseball bat. How do you get the bat? You gotta collect letters that spell the word BAT. Where do you find the letters? Inside treasure chests. But how do you open the treasure chests? A key, right? No, gremlins! Yeah, you collect what they call gremlins and supposedly you drop the gremlins inside the treasure chests and then it opens. But no, it doesn't open right away, it takes like 10 seconds, and the more gremlins you use, the faster it opens, but it doesn't open, it like explodes. When you get the bat, you gotta kill all the penguins, but they don't die if you hit them. Instead, there's a bunch of power orbs that scatter all over. You gotta get all the power orbs to power up your bat so you can kill the penguins. But you can only kill the penguins wearing hats because the ones that don't wear hats fight the ones that do wear hats. If the mutant penguins on the Doom Scale outweigh the regular penguins, the Doom Scale starts screaming and going apeshit! This is the weirdest game I've ever played. I mean, it's not bad if you're drunk or high or something, but how did they come up with this shit? I got it, I can come up with a game like this. How about, you're a shark, and you gotta shake palm trees until trains fall down, and you put the trains in an apple, and then turkeys come and then eat the apples, and then the turkeys go up waterfalls, and to get them down, you have to collect monkey butts, so you drop the monkey butts on power lines, and then...PSSSSSHHHHH! (drinks a bottle of Rolling Rock) Alright, what's next?

(Kasumi Ninja!) A fighting game, and a really bad one. Most fighting games have a character select screen. In fact, all of have that, right? Well, not this one. Instead, its got this weird first-person sort of thing. You walk around and touch statues to pick your character. It's so awkward. How did they fuck up something as easy as a select screen? (Entering the Combat Zone!) Even worse, when playing the one player mode, you'll only get a choice of playing as two characters. You have to beat the other characters to unlock them. That alone makes it more of a pain in the ass than it has to be. The game itself is pretty much a Mortal Kombat clone with every hit making pools of blood fall down, and even has death moves. But it's also one of those games that wimps out by sensoring the violence. You have to put in a parental password just to turn the blood on. Basically, it's just a six-digit code. But what's the chance of kids not figuring out the code before their parents do? But once it's unlocked, you still need to set the level of blood. So in case you want there to be a little bit of blood, but not too much? Like, who the fuck cares?! Just turn the goddamn blood on! The control is horrible. It's almost as bad as Shaq Fu. I'm not kidding. The attacks are sluggish, there's not much strategy, and you'll never guess how to do the special move. You try everything: Back Foward kick, Down Forward punch, Half-circle Back punch, you know, the typical stuff. But none of that works. So, you gotta either maybe have the instruction manual, or go on the internet to get the moves. You gotta hold the C button like instead of down forward C, you gotta hold C while you do it. Why couldn't it be something more common? I think one basic important thing in any fighting game is being able to pick it up and play. And the special moves are ridiculous. (Angus from Kasumi Ninja shoots fireball from under his kilt) Like what is this? He shoots fireballs out his dick?! Or maybe it's a gaping flame vagina?! Who the fuck knows?! Somebody was not right in the head. This game is fucking horrible!

But how do you wash down a bad taste of one shitty game with another?! Cybermorph. I've already mention that this one looks worse than Star Fox, but let's give it a chance. (Skylar: Good luck!) (plane crashes into a wall and Skylar says: "Where did you learn to fly?") What's with this green face?! It's disturbing! (crash) (Where did you learn to fly?) Stop talking to me! (Where did you learn to fly?) Freak. (Where did you learn to fly?) Every single time you hit something, it says that! (Where did you learn to fly?) Knock it off! God, the mountains come out of nowhere! They just pop up giving you no time to react! When you die, it picks you up right where you left off. Sometimes I complain about games making you start back at the beginning, but this one literally puts you right back where you are! Imagine if in Super Mario Bros., you're running into a Goomba and die. Okay, then what? Does it start you right in front of the Goomba again?! (Where did you learn to fly?) That voice just never stops! (Where did you learn to fly?) Shut up! (Where did you learn to fly? Where did you learn to fly? Where did you learn to fly?) OH, COME ON!!! (the Nerd gets up and turns off the Jaguar)

Sigh, sigh, that's enough of that. (Where did you learn to fly?) Ugh, got to get it out of my head! (Nerd drinks a bottle of Rolling Rock) (Where did you learn to fly?) (Where did you learn to fly?) (Where did you learn to fly?) Sigh, I need to get it out of my head. (Where did you learn to fly?) I gotta get it out of my head! (Where did you learn to fly?) (Where did you learn to fly?) STOP!!! (Skylar appears from behind the futon and the Nerd notices: Where did you learn to fly?) OH SHIT!!! OH SHIT!!! (Nerd gets up and runs to the computer desk and grabs his Super Scope) (Where did you learn to fly?) (Where did you learn to fly?) (Where did you learn to fly?) (Where did you learn to fly?) (Where did you learn to fly?) (the Nerd shoots Skylar and Skylar explodes) WHERE'D YOU LEARN TO BE AN ASSHOLE?!! (the Nerd walks in front of his TV and starts talking to it)

JAGUAR! I'VE HAD ALL I CAN TAKE!!! YOU'RE THE MOST FUCKING--- (the Jaguar cube starts growling at the Nerd) Did you just growl at me? (the Jaguar cube comes out of the TV screen and starts coming towards the Nerd) OH GOD!!! (the Nerd stands on top of his futon and starts shooting rapidly at the logo with the Super Scope, but to no avail) (Super Scope runs out of ammo and the Nerd switches to another weapon: Sega Menacer. he starts shooting rapidly at it, but failed too and it also ran out of ammo) (The Nerd switches to a Flight Commander gun that shoots like a machine gun. he shoots it and yet still fails) What do I do?! Hey, get him, kitty! Sic 'em! (The kitty gets up and chases the box around) Yeah, that's the real jaguar! (the cat continues chasing the box and it ends by both of them running up the stairs)

Sigh, well, okay, we played a few Jaguar games. We played a sports game, a side-scroller, a first-person shooter, a fighting game, a racing game, and a flying game. We played some good games. Some bad games. And overall...eh...makes me wanna puke...like a cat. (the Nerd pretends to puke like a cat coughing hairball, lick his hand, and wipe it in his hair) And then what did they do? They make a CD add-on! Yeah, the fucking Jaguar CD! There's somthing about this that perplexes me. You have a game console, that not many people owned, so you make an add-on that requires owning the game console. WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!! It should've just been its own individual game system. Besides, the fucking thing has its own AC adapter! So, that's two. One for the Jaguar, and one for the Jaguar CD. And that's some cool looking design. It looks just like a toilet. Yeah, it's a fucking toilet! What a perfect analogy! I would review some games, but there's one problem: the fucking bastard doesn't work! Not even the cartridge slot, so I can't even play my regular Jaguar games while this thing is connected. I tried using different AC adapters, but nothing worked. It simply won't read the disc. So I sent this broken piece of shit to my friend Richard to see if he can fix it. He invented the Nintoaster, a fully functional NES made out of a toaster. He also made the Super Genintari, which plays NES, SNES, Genesis, and Atari 2600 games. So game mechanisms are his specialty. If he can't fix it, then it's fucked. Here's his diagnosis:

Ah, yes. The Atari Jaguar CD. What a steaming pile of fucking shit that was. I want to make sure there's nothing wrong with the console itself first, just to rule it out. So I plug in a game, push the power button, the Jaguar logo comes careening towards me in the foreground, and after a particularly hilarious fucking startup sequence, I'm playing some Tempest 2000. Whoa. So now I know there's nothing wrong with the console itself. Time to move on to CD unit. So I plug it in, hook up the additional 47 cables that came with it, push the power button, the logo comes careening towards me in the foreground, snarls, and... the red screen of death, indicating a connection problem. So, the first thing I did was deep-clean every single contact point on both the console and the CD unit. I turned it on. Red screen. Then I went back and made physical adjustments to every contact point in both the console and CD unit so I'd make it more of a solid connection. Turned it on. Red screen. Finally, I just said, "Fuck it", and directly wired those two sons of bitches together, completely bypassing any and all cartridge ports, and ruling out the remote chance of there ever being any kind of connection issue between the two systems! I turned it on and guess what? Red screen! So at this point, I pretty much just gave up and and shipped everything back to ya, along with a Pong machine, which pretty much just says, "I'm sorry, man. This thing is just too shitty for me to work on". I think, between the flaming "fuck you" middle finger red screens and getting snarled at at the same time, this machine has become self-aware and does not want to be repaired. That is my diagnosis. Richard out.

Well, thanks for trying. And thanks for the Pong console. Would you believe that a 30-year old Pong console attached to a cellphone adapter would work, but a cutting-edge, snarling Jaguar doesn't? There's something wrong here. And you know what? I blew 250 bucks on this thing. So, you know what I did? Bought another one. Yeah. And guess what?! It doesn't work either! So, that's about 450 dollars total I blew on two dead Jaguars. And these things are rare. So when the only two that I can manage to get my hands on just don't work, that leads me to believe that these things MOST DEFINITELY ARE SELF-AWARE! They don't wanna work! You can't make 'em! They just refuse to be reviewed! And I've never had that happened. So...the end. I gotta take a shit! (The nerd takes out the Atari Jaguar with an Atari Jaguar CD attached to it, opens the CD add-on, and literally takes a shit in it like a toilet.)

Atari Jaguar (Part 1)