snuggie-shameAfter receiving their first unemployment check, a very common “just laid off” purchase is a game console like a Playstation. There are many hours to devote to doing nothing, and it’s important to prepare for a new life filled with lounging and being soiled. When pieced together correctly, an unemployment suit helps the unemployed shine in ways they never thought possible. 

The best way to start putting together an unemployment suit is to order a Snuggie within the first week of losing a job. This is crucial because the popularity of Snuggie has risen as the recession has deepened, and it can take up to six weeks before a burgundy, royal blue, or sage green Snuggie will show up in the mail. The Snuggie makes it easy to eat, drink and play video games without letting a pesky draft in. Its wide stretch of fabric is perfect for catching crumbs, and the arm holes make it easy to pick at those crumbs a week later. If ordered now, the unemployed might even be lucky enough to get a second Snuggie free, along with a book light. 

The second most important piece of an unemployment suit is a good pair of lazy pants that are stretchy and loose enough to comfortably move from fetal position to “I’m just going to lie here and let life pass me by” position. Yoga capris won’t cut it because they’ll only remind the unemployed of their hoity toity days of glorifying yoga, plus they’re too tight. An ideal pair of lazy pants will have an elastic waistband, pockets, and leave room to grow. Black is usually a safe color but get some grey lazy pants too because they hide cereal stains better.

Finally, the unemployment suit is finished off with all those free t-shirts that were picked up at conferences with logos of companies that have now gone under. These are the white XXXL shirts that were previously reserved for exercise, sleep or turning into rags, making them perfect for all-day wearing. A great way of breaking in the shirts for unemployment is to throw them in the wash with a couple Snuggies and lazy pants. The more discolored the shirts get, the closer the jobless are to making their unemployment suit legit. Just remember, be comfortable and say no to buttons and zippers.

  • Share/Bookmark

Tags: , , , ,

3 Responses to “#36 Assembling an Unemployment Suit”

  1. Ash says:

    As someone who was laid off in November, I think that I can stand by every single one of these posts- I wish I had found this blog earlier- this made my entire day better

  2. [...] and I have to say, a few of these posts provided a much-needed giggle.  I especially love the Snuggie shout-out (I may or may not be wearing mine right now…and yes, it’s as good as you think it is, [...]

  3. [...] perfect candidates for “What Not to Wear”. After gathering enough pieces to assemble a coreunemployment suit and realizing there’s very little reason to get dressed let alone dressed up every day, the [...]

Leave a Reply

You can use these tags: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>