GNU'S NOT LINUX: A PRIMER ON NOMENCLATURE

Apple Will Never Replace Darwin With Linux

Every few months, the Mac web is bombarded with open pleas to Apple, asking—nay, demanding—that Apple swap out the Mach-based kernel that Mac OS X runs on, XNU/Darwin, with Linux. This, of course, ends in with Apple stoically continuing development of XNU/Darwin while fanboys dry their eyes and limp home after their flamewars. The cycle then repeats itself again a few months later like clockwork. The truth of the matter, however, is that Apple will never replace XNU/Darwin with Linux.

Who do GNU-Darwin Think They Are?

That GNU-Darwin people decides not to link to proprietary libraries is, of course, a result of them using the GNU Public License so extensively—and now because of that decision the primary Darwin development platform is no longer supported in this project!

This makes me shake my head and wonder what the fuck? This project is not only shooting itself in the foot by choosing a platform not fully supported by the OS, but is also screwing over the real meat of Darwin's userbase: PowerPC owners. This move is akin to opening a car garage in America whose mechanics are all experienced in servicing American cars, and then changing policy months later, stating that the garage will only work on foreign models.

Where is the fucking logic?

Seriously, am I the only one who is wondering who the Hell is in charge at that project? Kool-Aid Man? This move makes so little sense I can't tell if the people at GNU-Darwin are really that stupid, or if I am waking up in alternate realities every damn morning. I almost kind of hope for the latter.

This is the GPL in action, Mac faithful. Get down on your knees and kiss Apple's butt for choosing creating the Apple Public Source License.

Losing Her to GNU

Dear Trollaxor,

My girlfriend has been hanging around the wrong sorts lately, and has been coming home talking about Linux and using a ton of buzzwords I know she barely understands. I'm a FreeBSD user and know better than to fall in with the GNU crowd. How can I convince my girlfriend, who is falling further and further into groupthink everyday, to see the light before it's too late?

Losing Her to GNU

Dear Gentle Sir:

FOSS Aftershave Preferences

“Alan Cox” <Alan.Cox@linux.org>

Technically, I don't use aftershave. I have quite a healthy beaver growing off of my face. However, me and the boys—the young Open Source fans I like to take to the pub for a few pints and then back to my flat after they're dead-drunk—like to eat each others' feces. I suppose you could then call the diarrhea that gets caught up in my beard as aftershave, since I love its scent so well and leave it on all day.

“Eric S. Raymond” <esr@catb.org>:

I used to religiously wear a product called "Money." I haven't been able to find any in a long while, even at VA Linux's bathouses. Who knows where it went? Now I just count the Jägermeister I dribble on myself in drunken stupors as aftershave and leave it at that.

“Richard M. Stallman” <rms@stallman.org>

Ah, I wonder if you're mistaken. You see, I haven't shaved since the founding of the Free Software Foundation in 1984. I have no use for aftershave. in fact, it looks like there's a God-damned baby goat surgically attached to my face. Some liken my beard to a giant vulva as well: hairy, with a stinking hole in the center. I have no use for aftershave.

“Rob Malda” <malda@slashdot.org>

I usually prefer Hemos's semen. There's nothing like rubbing it all over my face, especially when it's nice and warm and fresh. Besides, what man can't resist that cum-odor? If I am lucky enough to be wearing Hemos's gunk, I notice I get hit on a lot more at the bars I go to. What other aftershave can make me a homosexual cock-lust faggot magnet? Yeah, I definitely prefer Hemos's semen.

GNU's Not Straight!

finger

This filthy piece of software is perpetuated over the net by the FSF under the guise of being able to “finger” any server and gathering info on a specific user. Its real purpose, however, is far sicker. Finger refers to the act of inserting a finger or two into an anus and fetching feces to ingest or smear all over your gay lover. The devious metaphor of information retrieval broken!

goose

A goose is when a gay male (usually a Linux user) attempts to insert his index finger into another male's anus through his trousers, usually done without the victim's prior consent. This program obviously promotes forcing homosexual fun on unsuspecting straight men in hopes of converting them to homosexuality and Linux use.

help2man

There's no questioning the faggot nature behind this program. After scrutinizing the source code, I found that subliminal messages are printed to the screen and subsequently cleared every 60 microseconds that induce extreme homoerotic imagery in the victim/user. Though GNU documentation states this is a tool for generating manual pages, it's really obviously a tool to initiate gay thought and cock-lust in not-yet-gay Linux users.

mailman

“Software to help manage email discussion lists,” says the FSF site. More like “software to help manage homosexual discussion lists!” After looking through its source code, I found that versions .001 through .94 were actually called maleman, the name-change in version .95 made to enable easier distribution of this package — the original name sounded too gay for the masses, and the FSF knew it! Unless the topic of the mail thread being managed has something to do with depraved homosexual activity, the chances of losing data increase some 50%, thereby promoting homosexual discussion of cocks, rimjobs, and such. This is accomplished by means of a strcompare() and a hash table.

make

Let's look at the FSF's “innocent” description of this universal utility: “automatically determines which pieces of a large program need to be recompiled, and issues commands to recompile them” It's easy to see the gay meaning behind this. “Pieces of a large program” refers to an erect male penis, while “need to be recompiled” is symbolic of “needs to be buried deep within a male colon.” Issuing commands is simple enough. Who hasn't seen a gay porno where some hairless, lusty-eyed twink is getting his ass torn apart by monster dick while screaming “Fuck me, fuck me, oh God fuck me!?”

midnight commander

Oh my God!!! How blatant can the FSF get? Midnight Commander is described as “a user friendly and colorful Unix file manager and shell, useful to novice and guru alike.” Hello! Can this refer to anyone else but Rob “Commander Taco” Malda, editor in chief of Slashdot.org? No one else is as willing as he to be “useful to novice and guru alike.” Rob Malda is known to go down on a variety of Linux users, whether they are newbies or gurus, young or old, Jewish, African, Hispanic, or Caucasian (hence him being a “colorful” Unix manager). Needless to say, running this program grabs all of your personal information and emails it to Rob Malda, who then builds a “client list” and visits you when you least expect it.

patch

The FSF fags thought they could get clever with this one. Not while I'm around! Patch is distributed under the guise of a software updating utility. Ha! Patch refers to a common tactic used by gays for spontaneous sex: cuts are made in the anus-cock area of tight jeans, which allows a piece of masking tape to keep this “patch” shut when the genitals and ass-cunt are not in use (i.e., rarely). Again, as in other GNU programs, the user is submitted to subliminal flashes of instructions on how to create such a patch for gay fun.

sauce

Disgusting! Sauce is how faggots and shit-freaks refer to the post-coital discharge issued from the anus after a marathon ass-pounding. It is a sickening combination of semen, blood, and feces. It may also include anything else the fags thought was cool to put up their asses as well!

shtool

One consonant away from stool, otherwise known as shit or feces. It's “portable shell tool for use inside source trees of free software packages.” Hmm... Let's think about this one. Portable shell tool for use inside source trees of free software packages... Could they be referring to some mechanical device inserted inside of one another's anuses!? Source tree is obviously homo/GNU-slang for assholes. Free software packages, therefore, is faggot-speak for “gay anuses.” RMS's propaganda would have us believe being “free” means being gay. I'd avoid this piece of software if I were you.