Tweets

  1. 44m

    "Eight espressos in one day - great idea!" - Me, about 14 hours ago.

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  2. 3h

    *throws up all over cop's shoes Hang on pal I got it here somewhere *finds License To Ill in the glovebox I believe you owe me an apoloshee

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  3. 5h

    Looking back on 6th grade, its a miracle Steve and I didn't kill ourselves playing with that Murphy bed.

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  4. 5h

    I miss old . Stand Up, Stand Up, Short Attention Span Theater, MST3K, Penn Jillette... Those were the days.

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  5. 11h

    The Internet basically exists as a way to figure out new ways to charge people monthly fees.

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  6. 13h

    San Francisco gets mad when they see private busses. I get mad when I see public busses. We're both right! Drive yourself.

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  7. 16h

    Click this link and buy a Sonos thing! I can't afford them and this will hook me up.

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  8. 17h

    Bill Nye and Neil DeGrasse Tyson walk into a bar of solid iron, then through it, then laugh because they are masters of time and space.

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  9. 18h

    Bill Nye and Neil DeGrasse Tyson walk into a bar. I drink us all into another dimension and we spend the next 90 minutes trying to escape.

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  10. Jan 20

    Bill Nye and Neil DeGrasse Tyson walk into a bar... and it's instantly the best place ever and I would like to die there.

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  11. Jan 20

    Reese's Pieces Delivery Service, this is Judd, how may I help you? No ma'am, we don't do M&Ms. No, no Skittles either. Ok ma'am, good luck.

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  12. Jan 20

    Is it appropriate to offer a plumber a glass of water.

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  13. Jan 19

    I own a key that opens most public bathroom paper towel dispensers because there's only one right way to set them and the world needs a hero

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  14. Jan 19

    Put the burger in my mouth, robot friend. Alight the straw upon my lips. Watch as I grow while you can only sit idle and dream of fatness.

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  15. Jan 19

    Really? That guy?

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  16. Jan 19

    The ideas I have for an OTA DVR...you guys would never believe it. You would say, who is this visionary and how can I send him money?

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  17. Jan 19

    Love.

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  18. Jan 19

    An excellent question, Kevin! I am not.

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  19. Jan 19

    Guys I'm staying at this SUPER exclusive hotel, I can't really even tell you the name, but Dennis Rodman is staying in the room next to me!

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  20. Jan 19

    How exactly are you using it?

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