Live Q&As;

I'm so sorry about that.  A couple of other people thought I was being unfair, but let me try to explain my reasoning a little better.

Children who come from happy homes often have great fears when they have to leave it--fears that quickly go away as soon as they feel safe at their new home, so I figured, why not indulge her?  She is making a huge jump into adulthood and she needs to know that she still has a place at home.

And as for the younger sister--I figured she had her big closet to sleep in and her sister's room to store her stuff in, to study in and to have company overnight.  In New York they'd call that a studio apartment.

I've heard of this working in other interfaith marriages but each couple has to figure out their own solutions--and then the in-laws have to say, "That's great!" whatever they choose to do. 

And it is great that you accept your daughter's fiance so well and to her marriage to someone of a different faith.  That's so, so important.  Just let them work out their situation as best they might and keep any negative thoughts to yourself, which ought to be the mantra of every in-law and every problem her children might have.

If your son hasn't given up his nap already, he'll do it really soon.  But even if he is asleep, the nanny should be taking him out for a stroll after breakfast, so he can wake up and meet the other toddlers in the park, and she should be arranging playdates with these children at the park or at your house after his afternoon naps because children like to hang out with each other even at 4-5 months.  The afternoon playdates should be between 3 and 5, however, because 5-7 is so often, and so rightfully, called Arsenic Hour.  You either want to take it or you want to give it.

Sorry to take so long to answer; computer problems. 

I think your in-laws have their feelings really, really hurt and every time you correct them, their feelings are hurt a little more. 

This is time for a compromise, not a riff.  Let them call your children by their own surnames, without either you, your husband or your children correcting them but continue to use your last name for them at school, at home, at the library and when you introduce them to people they don't know.  It's better to keep your in-laws in your children's lives, and in your husband's life, than to make a name turn into an issue. 

Some children are just more sensitive than other children, so you need to back off, to give her chores and jobs that she can do easily and don't push her beyond her limits.  She knows what she can accept better than you do.

Chores particularly will help her build her self-confidence and this is what she must do before she can dare to tryharder things.  And you might read a nice little book called Please Understand Me, about the 16 Jungian temperaments.  You'll  find your daughter in there and her temperament is probably quite different from yours, which makes it harder to understand how she feels and thinks. 

Wouldn't it be boring if we were all just alike?

Two things may be causing these outbursts (and probably more). 

Your little boy may be in a day care that's all wrong for him and possibly for the other children too because a good day care doesn't put up with "shut ups" and trash talk.  Perhaps you could observe for a morning and see what's going on.

And then there is the problem of simply be 3 1/2.  Pre-K children fall apart once a year, to grow into a new behavior, much as a crab or a snake sheds its shell or its skin to fit its body into a bigger shell or skin. 

This out-of-bounds behavior usually starts at the half-year mark and lasts for several months.  Or it starts around their birthdays and lasts for several months.  Either way, you lower your expectations, look the other way as much as you can and tell him how much you appreciate the way he hardly ever says "Shut up".

The same thing happened to me when our first two children had reduced their diets to peanut butter, hamburgers and hot dogs and our third child was just about to start eating table food.  The idea of cooking the parents living on peanut butter and hamburgers and hot dogs did not appeal to me and cooking two meals every night really didn't appeal.  So when my husband took a 3-day business trip I quietly told my friends that we'd be staying home for the next three days and couldn't have company because I was throwing out everything my kids ate so they could learn how to eat other foods.  And they did, although they had no treats, no desserts, no cookies and an apple for a snack. 

The first night I served a spicy spaghetti sauce, which they wouldn't eat, and I cheerfully said, That's okay,  you're just not hungry, you may be excused.  And the next night it was a stew--same thing.  The third night I prepared lamb curry and winced because my husband was coming home and I knew he'd cave.  But by then they were so hungry and I was still so cheerful that they ate everything in sight and we never had a problem with anything after that, except raw oysters.

I'm not sure that a psychologist would go along with that routine, but it was the best I could do--and it worked.

I think that the American Academy recommends just a half-hour a day, total, for all screen time.

I did answer it, and if I can retrieve the question I'll try to answer it in my column.