THE VAMPIRE DIARIES: “Friday Night Bites”

Photo Credit: Quantrell Colbert/The CW ©2009 The CW Network, LLC. All Rights Reserved.

Read on for my recap & review of The Vampire Diaries 1×03:

The third episode is my favorite episode of The Vampire Diaries yet.  Vampires plus Friday Night Lights?  The death of the most annoying character on television?  Sweet Matt standing up to Tyler, and making friends with Stefan?  What’s not to love?  I’m a very happy viewer.  Also, the alternate title of this episode is “the one where Clark Kent decides to join the football team.”

The episode opened on Caroline, aka “the poor man’s Cordelia Chase.”  It’s the morning following the screaming cliffhanger, and Caroline wakes up with a bloody neck.  Damon is sleeping peacefully next to her.  She is freaked out, and I can’t blame her.  She is also wearing some type of teddy that I can’t imagine a high school girl ever wearing, for which I can blame her (Update: according to my sister, who works at Victoria’s Secret, it is called a “baby doll” and is currently on sale).  And while we’re on the fashion commentary, I also noticed that she has mini-star hipster tattoo on her foot.  Fact: 75% of L.A. and San Francisco have that tattoo somewhere on their bodies.  But back to the plot: Caroline is scared when Damon wakes up, so she hits him with a lamp.  Way to go Caroline—I may actually start to like you.  Damon pushes her and then he sees the bloody pillow she slept on.  He smells the blood on the pillow and vamps out.  I will quote Buffy here: “Has anyone ever told you that the whole smelling people thing is a little gross?”

Cut to outside Mystic Falls High School.  Bonnie and Elena talk, and Bonnie is now less enthusiastic about Elena and Stefan’s coupling.  Bonnie wants her friend to take it slow now, because of her psychic moment. She tells Elena that she got a really bad feeling, but Elena is unconvinced, and blinded by love.

Meanwhile, Vicki and Jeremy talk, and Jeremy shows what a smooth guy he is by accusing the girl he’s in love with of sleeping with him in order to get drugs.  I am desperately resisting the urge to hate on McQueen right now, so I hope Jeremy fans appreciate my silence on that front.

Stefan interrupts Elena and Bonnie’s girl talk, and Bonnie hurries away.  As Stefan and Elena make plans for dinner, Tyler and Matt look on.  Tyler mocks Matt about Elena and Stefan.  Tyler is just his usual terrible-self, so I won’t go into detail.  Except there was a point where he said yard trolls instead of gnomes.  Hehe.  Elena continues to make plans for a dinner with Stefan and Bonnie (I can’t remember if she actually invited Caroline and Damon, but that train-wreck couple shows up too).  Tyler throws the football at Stefan, in an attempt to embarrass him, and “surprisingly” the vampire catches it.  He totally used his vamp powers to show off for Elena … or was it for Matt?  Elena is head over heels impressed, and goes all googly-eyed, asking if he will try out for the team.  Stefan likes football, but he doesn’t think football likes him. It’s so hard being a teenaged vampire … sigh.  It also seems to be very similar to being a teenage alien from the planet Krypton (check out Smallville season 4 if you don’t believe me).  Stefan is also surprised that Elena is a cheerleader.  Elena responds with the best line of the evening: “Hey, there’s more to me than just gloomy graveyard girl.”  That line could have easily been delivered by Buffy Summers or Lana Lane in the heyday of The WB.  That is a compliment to Elena.  Stefan then says some stuff about being a loner, and I thought, at least he doesn’t stare at Elena through his telescope from his barn window.

The lovebirds go to their only class, taught by their only teacher.  Stefan reveals that he is good with dates.  An interchange between teacher and student ensues in which Stefan recites the dates of important historical events.  Apparently, we are supposed to be impressed by such recitation.  Also apparent?  No historians on The Vampire Diaries writing staff.  Memorization of dates is the lowest common denominator of historical knowledge, and I am resisting the urge to give you all a lecture on the subject. Instead of delivering said lecture about the importance of critical thinking, and the vast inanity of rote memorization for history classes beyond the elementary school years, the sole teacher at Mystic Falls High is visibly embarrassed.  Elena is impressed, but what else is new?  Stefan claims crossword puzzles as the reason for his knowledge of dates.

Cut to football practice, and heaven help us because the sole teacher at Mystic Falls High is also the football coach.  Sigh … no comment.  Stefan realizes that angering the only authority figure at school was probably not the best idea, as Mr. Tanner is now in charge of letting him on the football team.  There is some verbal abuse from Mr. Tanner as usual, but he finally agrees to allow Stefan to try out, if only to see him “get knocked off [his] ass.”  Unfortunately for the bitter coach, Stefan does very well, what with his super strength and speed and all.  Cheater.

So, while all this macho posturing is going on, the girls are supposedly having cheerleader practice.  No actual cheering was going on, as they were waiting for Caroline.  Elena forces the invite on Bonnie.  Caroline finally shows up, and is chauffeured by Damon, in his gorgeous car.  She is all breezy and smug and smiling, so she has clearly been glamoured/ mind-warped.  As she waltzes up to where Elena and Bonnie are sitting, she brats: “I got the other brother. Hope you don’t mind.”  She’s wearing a scarf to cover her bite mark.  Damon smirks at Elena from the car—Damon’s smirk is so broad, it could probably be seen in space.  As practice begins, Caroline sees that Elena is out of practice (I’m not really sure how she could tell, as no one was really cheering her best), so she shuts her out: “Elena, sweetie, why don’t you just observe today?”

Cut back to the Football again. Stefan is playing really well, and Elena swoons.  The other players don’t know he’s cheating, but they’re still pissed, and plan to gang up on him in order to take him down.  If only Stefan had remembered to put a small piece of kryptonite in his pocket, so as to bring his skills down to the mortal level.  Oh wait, wrong show.  But Stefan really could use his own Papa Kent, as then he might have feigned humanity from the get-go–he needs some lessons on hiding his secret from those farm-boy masters of deception.  Stefan uses his super hearing to learn their plan, and allows them to take him down, feigning injury.  Well, I guess he really was injured—he broke his pinky—but it healed right away.  I think my brother did that like 3 times when playing football.  Why do those football players have such delicate pinkies?

After practice, Stefan goes back to his thematically appropriate home.  Damon is there too, and has been reading Stefan’s diary.  He decides to amuse himself by torturing his little brother.  Damon: “Very Emerson, the way you reveal you soul … with so many adjectives.”  Hehe.  Damon says that he’s come to apologize, and wants to start over.  He mocks him about trying to live a normal life, and says that he wants that himself too: “I can learn to be a non-living living person.”  Then he laughs. Damon: “I saw Elena today, BTW—that means by the way.  She was at cheerleading practice.  She looks so perky in her little short shorts.”  He cuts off Stefan’s interruption: “Simmer down.  I didn’t even go near her.  I’ve got my own cheerleader now.”  Oh, Damon.

Cut to Bonnie and Elena in the Gilberts’ kitchen.  Bonnie talks to her friend about her fears about her witchiness.  She describes the visions she’s been having—she’s obsessed with numbers, and has been seeing 8, 14, and 22 everywhere. Bonnie also reveals that she knows what is in all of the kitchen drawers.  At first Elena is a little freaked, but then she remembers that Bonnie has been her best friend for years, and knows her house well, so she’s not that impressed.  Once Elena is gone, Bonnie IDs a drawer again.

Cut to the dinner table.  Stefan learns about Bonnie’s family history, which includes Salem witches.  Caroline and Damon show up unexpectedly.  Uh oh, Elena invites Damon in.  She’ll need Willow Bonnie to help her vampire-proof her house later. Caroline is amazed that Mr. Tanner let Stefan on the team.  She then snits: “Elena wasn’t so lucky today. […] That’s just cause her parents died. She’s in kind of in a blah phase.  She used to be more fun.”  Wow, Caroline.  Tell us how you really feel.

Cut to the coffee bar, and Tyler pinches Vickie’s ass.  Matt looks on and is less than thrilled.  He tells Jeremy: “She’s my sister and I love her, but sometimes she can really make you work for it.”  Jeremy disagrees.   Somehow, Tyler and Jeremy get into it again, and Matt pulls Tyler away from hitting Jeremy.

Back at Elena’s, Damon is in the kitchen alone with Elena and saves a cup from dropping. Why in the world did I just recap that?!  Sigh.  Elena asks, “Earlier, did you mean Katherine?” in reference to watching loved ones die.  She asks how the girl died, and Damon claims that it was tragic fire.  Hmmm.  Elena asks what Katherine was like.  Damon: “She was beautiful—a lot like you in that department. She was also very complicated … and selfish … and sometimes not very kind, but very sexy and seductive.”  Elena is wise to the signs and wonders which one of the brothers dated Katherine first.  Damon: “Nicely deduced.  Ask Stefan.  I’m sure his answer differs from mine.”  I’ll bet.  Damon also thinks that Elena should quit cheerleading, because she’s totally Lana Lane, and is so above it now: “Quit. Move on. Problem solved. Tada.”  Elena says she’s sorry about Katherine.

Meanwhile, in the living room, Stefan compliments Caroline’s scarf, and asks her to take it off. Of course, Caroline says she can’t take it off, as she’s been glamoured.  Damon interrupts, and asks Caroline to go help Elena in the kitchen.  Caroline has a fabulous response, which makes me start to like her: “Do I look like I do dishes to you?”  Despite Damon’s prodding, Caroline is adamant, until he uses him vamp mind-powers on her.  Stefan clearly disapproves of this conduct, but Damon is unrepentant: “They’re whatever I want them to be. They’re mine for the taking.”  He doesn’t say they’re “happy-meals with legs,” but I like to think that’s what he’s thinking.  Damon also reminds Stefan that Elena let him in, which means he can now enter whenever he likes.

Cut to Elena and Stefan in her room.  Elena: “Tonight wasn’t so bad.  I had fun.”  She defends Damon, and Stefan leans in to kiss her.  Aaagh!  Stefan turns into Damon as the two are getting hot and heavy.  Then Elena wakes up to realize it’s a dream.  Dumb.  I hate “misleading” dream sequences—they’re so overdone.

The next day, there is a “poignant” scene featuring Elena gazing at her cheerleading uniform, and a picture of herself wearing it on her dresser (Seriously? Reminds me of someone I know—you know who you are & your name ends in a vowel).  Stefan has a little diary writing VO.  He thinks that Damon still has humanity left.

When they get to school, Elena tells Stefan that she decided to quit cheerleading, so as to be broody.  Stefan supports her decision, and tells her that she should be looking ahead, starting over.  He then gives her a necklace, in a supposedly romantic gesture, but there is also an ulterior motive. Stefan tells her that there’s an herb in it—I bet I know what kind of herb that is … it’s not really a spoiler, so I’ll tell you it’s vervain, and it can protect against vampires. Elena: “We’re a pair. I quit. You start.”  They kiss before parting.  Caroline sees her and complains: “And you’re not in uniform because?”

Cut to a pep rally, in which Mr. Tanner gives a speech praising Stefan.  Tyler is jealous and pissed.  As he walks off, he runs into Vicki, but is distracted when he sees Jeremy.  Tyler: “Don’t look so down. You can have her when I’m done.” Hate.  Punches ensue, and it is not going well for a very drunk Jeremy. Stefan intercedes and his hand is cut, but he covers for the miraculous healing.  Elena is pretty adamant that she saw an injury, but he hurries off.

Elena goes to Bonnie to ask about what she saw that night when she touched Stefan.  Bonnie: “It wasn’t clear like a picture.  But today I keep seeing those same numbers I’ve been telling you about: 8 14 22 … but when I touched Stefan … it was death. What I imagine death to be like.”  I hope this doesn’t become a show with mysterious numbers every week, because we already have one of those.

Elena is a little freaked, so she does the sensible thing and goes to hang out in the dark deserted parking lot.  Damon sneaks up behind her.  He says that he’s avoiding Caroline: “I don’t see it going anywhere in the future. I think she’d drive me crazy.”  To her credit, Elena defends Caroline.  Damon tries to glamour her: “You want me. [...] You find yourself drawn to me. […] I bet you even dreamed about me. And right now, you want to kiss me.”  When he leans in, Elena slaps him.  I am very proud of Elena for fighting back, and not playing a doormat.  As we find out later, the vervain in the necklace protected her against Damon’s thrall.  She has the last word before storming off: “Let’s get one thing straight. I am not Katherine.”  Now, let’s just hope there aren’t any other supernatural creatures skulking in the shadows waiting for her.

Elsewhere, Matt and Stefan begin their beautiful friendship.  Matt thanks Stefan for helping Jeremy, and apologizes for his previous behavior.  Oh, Matt.  I love how you disprove all the usual high school jock stereotypes.  He’s such a class act—see, I like nice guys sometimes!

When Matt walks away, Damon is waiting to mock Stefan again.  He lauds his brothers sneaky move: “Let me guess. Vervain in the necklace? […] Guess I could just seduce her the old fashioned way.  Or I could just eat her.”  Stefan is doubtful of this, claiming that deep down Damon feels for her.  He argues that Damon isn’t really the monster he pretends to be, as he is still haunting Stefan after 145 years—instead of killing him.  Stefan claims that Damon still loves Katherine, and that’s why he hates him.  Damon decides to prove his brother wrong, and kills Coach Tanner right then and there.  At least he picked his victim well—good riddance.  Although, who will run the school now?  I’m sure Mr. Tanner was also the principle, school nurse, and Spanish teacher too.

Meanwhile, in the locker room, Matt confronts Tyler, and calls him a “12 year old bully.”  He proceeds to break up with Tyler.  Go Matt!  Matt walks outside and discovers the dead body, and calls for help.  As help arrives, Bonnie looks on. She sees the elusive numbers, and is just horrified and devastated.   It’s hard to be a teen witch.  If I didn’t hate Mr. Tanner so much, I would feel worse right now, but luckily that’s not a problem.

Vicki finds Jeremy behind the bleachers, and tells him it wasn’t for the drugs.  Also, Stefan comforts Elena and lies about his hand.

Stefan VO: “I thought there was hope … that somewhere deep inside, something in Damon was still human.  But I was wrong.  There’s nothing human left in Damon.  No kindness, no love.  Only a monster, who must be stopped.”  As this is being said, we see Damon lovingly caressing Elena’s cheek.  It’s actually a very sweet moment.  When Elena wakes, Damon is gone.  So I guess that vervain isn’t doing its job anymore.  What happened?