I’m so ashamed at how much stress I have put myself under just because immediate gratification. I know I always say it, but from now on, I’m gonna be making the right choices again and consume things which will benefit my body. It’s a bit useless to lie to myself and say that I will only eat things which are good for me, because that’s bull shit.
But from now on, it’s no longer working hard for a month then slacking for a month then feeling shit about myself for a month,
I like the way this song makes me feel
I honestly don’t think she understands that some of the things she says sometimes are really hurtful and bitter
Speak to your body how you’d like to be spoken to:
I used to hate you and wish you were something you weren’t, but now I understand you cannot be anything but yourself and you only reflect what I give you. Now I respect you and work hard to better out relationship, you’re also treating me with respect, and I love you for that. I love that we are changing for the better, and I hope that we never go back to that place. You’re the only one I’m gonna have and I need to treat you like a treasure, I will try not to abuse you and I will keep working hard to make us both happy.
You are not perfect and I accept that, but I will keep working hard to make you as close to our view of perfect. I’m not going to say I love you, because I don’t mean it yet, but I don’t hate you anymore.
I know it’s not much, and it’s blurry, but I like my skin in these two pictures
Would he still find me ‘desirable’ if I let the lights on? If I didn’t wear make up? If I was well known?
If she’s gonna treat me like shit just because I have metal in my nose, then she can suit herself. I do not care anymore.
Can he stop? Like I don’t want to any more. Stop.
I hate the fact that I don’t own my body, I don’t think I will ever own it.
‘Mum will kill you when she sees your piercing’
‘Do not get your ear pierced.’
‘No tattoos in this house.’
But it is my body. Why can’t I choose decorate it how I please?
Oh well. It’s done now.
The urge to cry and give up is too strong. I’ve already cried. Giving up is not an option.
Why am I so stupid and useless? Like I actually don’t understand me. Why can’t i do anything right? Why can’t I behave like a normal person? When will I grow up abs start behaving like an adult? I actually cans do anything right. I’m actually a useless fucking waste of space. How can I be just so fucking stupid? I just don’t understand. How can I be? How how how?! I fucking hate myself so much right now. I don’t think anyone can understand. Like what is wrong with me? What the fuck is going on in my head? What is wrong with me? Right in this moment, the amount if things racing in my head. I could easily just end it fucking all but I’m just a coward. I’m so tired of being me. It’s just so painful and disappointing. I don’t understand how I have friends. I’m just so fucking useless. I just need to get away. I just cannot deal. I can’t do it anymore. What the fuck is wrong with me?
I say next to a stranger today.
He was sleeping on me.
I enjoyed it.
I wondered what he was like.
I wondered what his mother was like.
I wondered what it was like to love him.
I wondered what he was like when he was in love.
I wondered what it was like to be in love.
To have someone lean on you. With love.
To feel someone’s warmth.
Him leaning on me made me realise maybe I am made to love.
But no one is made to love me.
I don’t know how to break the barriers down.
I’ve tried. No hope.
It’s like I have forgotten to be human.