The G7 is unable to get its deposit back on a shipment of ‘G8 Summer Getaway’ T-Shirts, 87% of a man’s memories are shame-based, and a fully gentrified neighborhood is all cheese shops.
According to the results of a study published Thursday by the American Heart Association, most heart attack victims do not freeze up and grab at their chests with sufficient measures of theatrics when suffering a cardiac arrest. Full article.
If you hear the telltale crunch of a hipster’s discarded beard under your feet, don’t worry: experts say the hirsute young men are just making room to grow even larger, more ironic beards.
Offering one-click companionship for singles who have exhausted all other options, new last-ditch dating website LastShot.com, which launched earlier this week, pairs users with a partner based solely on whether they have open sores anywhere ... Full article.
According to incoming reports from beaches and pools across the country this week, lifeguard tryouts were once again a breeze for the nation’s Blakes. Full article.
Seeking a more humane method of carrying out capital punishment, Ohio’s new machine yanks inmates heads from their bodies using painless, powerful robotic claws.
According to a survey of hospice patients released Thursday by the Princeton Medical Institute, the most common regret of the dying is never having sprayed a fire extinguisher. Full article.
Apologizing to customers for “any discomfort or searing of the flesh” on their ring fingers, Kay Jewelers ordered a recall Thursday of some two million cursed wedding bands sold at its 900 locations nationwide over the past several years. Full article.
A shocking new study that asked teen boys about their sexual habits reveals that they are all having sex all the time and are really, really good at having it.
Saying he had witnessed up close the daily hardships endured by a young person impaired by a bland, unremarkable appearance, local doctor Daniel Barrett told reporters Wednesday how growing up with an average-looking brother inspired him to become a cosmetic surgeon. Full article.
Saying that spontaneity is key to spicing up a marriage, local couple Dale and Barbara Patterson told reporters Wednesday they’ve kept their relationship interesting over the years by bickering in a variety of different positions ... Full article.
Researchers today took a break from bullying their colleague Carl to announce to the world that Carl is a little pansy boy and that they are sick of him.
Citing factors ranging from the dumb, ugly asteroid belt separating the terrestrial planets from the gas giants, to the super-boring and practically empty interstellar medium extending in nearly every direction, new research published Wednesday ... Full article.
Reeling in the wake of sudden, unthinkable tragedy, members of the Talbott family were reportedly left struggling to pick up the pieces Thursday night after an unexpected hard drive crash erased everything they had stored on their digital video recorder.
St. Patrick’s Day celebrations kicked off in Boston yesterday when Mayor Marty Walsh landed the annual first blow on hometown celebrity Donnie Wahlberg.
The friendly airline says that while they’re proud to have the most loyal customers in the business, it’s time to find out what their customers are willing to do for them.
A new report finds climate change skeptics could reach catastrophic levels by 2020, the nation’s gratuitously sexual couples announce plans to wait in line at Six Flags, and a local grandpa looks absolutely precious in his new baseball cap.
Everyone in the Middle East is given their own country in a 317,000,000-state solution, NASA announces plans to launch a chimpanzee into the sun, and a local mom is $15,000 in the hole with her ceramic frog dealer.
The U.S. Government sets aside 600,000 acres of pristine land for future generations to pollute, John Kerry says ‘to defeat them, I must become them,’ while putting on a black face mask, and a birthday wish is wasted on trying to bring dad bac...
A prison rights group protests the treatment of supervillains in the nation’s magnetic detainment cubes, a local dad thought he could make it out of a zoo without buying his kids light-up shit, and a pigeon wishes just once it could complete a head ...
States offer millions in tax breaks to any person who says ‘high-tech jobs,’ a child is entertained for five minutes by a toy that will take 1 million years to biodegrade, and God’s will is the only thing keeping an AC unit in a window.
New EPA regulations force power plants to find 30% more loopholes by 2030, President Obama already knows who he’s going to tear apart in his memoir, and parents at a graduation celebrate their child’s last accomplishment.
The only nation where this regularly happens concludes that there’s no way to prevent this, a college rape victim is pretty thrilled about recounting her assault to a faculty committee, and the nation’s depressed individuals march on the Atlan...
Scientists politely remind the world that clean energy technology is ready to go whenever, a new study finds most high school graduates are woefully unprepared for high school, and a bag of flour has a slave auction on its front.
Congress splits into male and female senators to discuss the newest reproductive bill, a man feels guilty about chowing down at the 9/11 museum café, and extravagant new window blinds are inspired by the latest styles from Venice.
A poll finds 56% of voters think the country is better off than it was 4 eons ago, a brutally honest new Revlon ad campaign reminds customers you can’t change who you are, and a bodybuilder’s veins are now outside of his skin.
A new census report reveals the U.S. has over 316 million nobodies, Carlos Santana surprises his wife with a coupon for a free 45-minute guitar solo, and Picasso’s ‘Guernica’ triples in value after being autographed by the 1994 New York ...
Obama spends another night searching behind White House paintings for safes, an autopsy determines a total loser's corpse contained no traces of drugs or alcohol, and a superstitious Delta Airlines adds busty mermaids to its plane noses.
Everyone in a bustling Chinese parade is attempting to elude pursuers, newly discovered cave paintings suggest early man was battling a lot of inner demons, and a xylophonist is shredding it.
The U.S. currency finally achieves universal suffrage, Forbes releases the 2014 list of the most punchable CEOs, and a smooth operator is also a forklift operator.
The G7 is unable to get its deposit back on a shipment of ‘G8 Summer Getaway’ T-Shirts, 87% of a man’s memories are shame-based, and a fully gentrified neighborhood is all cheese shops.
John Kerry poses as a masseuse to get a few minutes with Putin, parents reminisce to their children about the dating algorithm that brought them together, and a lowly mortal opens a portal to hell.
Ukrainian-Russian tensions divide U.S. citizens along ignorant and apathetic lines, the national endowment for the arts provides 80 million dollars for discouraging talentless hacks, and a dog is held against its will inside a Skype window.
Expressing a deeply held political opinion is referred to as a ‘gaffe,’ the Reverend Al Sharpton takes time off from his holy duties to make a TV appearance, and the Empire State Building reopens its spire to visitors.
Delighted health insurance executives gather in an outdoor coliseum to watch a patient battle cancer, Anderson Cooper decides to keep his recent gay conversion therapy private, and a self-conscious flasher is fully clothed under his trench coat.
