Welcome to HouseMade!

“Welcome to HouseMade! May I shake your hand and build a bond with you, the 15th of God’s children to Make the Right Decision to dine with us tonight? Is that real human skin or a handspun silk glove? Oh, my Maker, it feels soft over those meaty palms.

Well, I hope you’re hungry. We’re very proud of our concept: “Real Everything. Made Here.” Take your pick of booths. We hand-carved the wood from the trees that once grew on this land 113 years ago. Then we upholstered it with fabric made from their preserved, unsprouted seeds. And, don’t make a federal case out of it, Hya-Hoah!, but we used the Native American tools found at a nearby archeological dig to put the whole building together. It’s ironic, yeah, but it’s also a real socially responsible testament to the people who made their lives here before us.

But enough improvisatory babbling! I know I can make these conversations last forever, and I can tell all this chatting has made you thirsty. Lemme have one of our 18 toddlers behind the bar grab you a human-thrown ceramic cup, filled with our blog-prize-winning water, which we ice with liquid nitrogen created in our proprietary lab. FYI, that’s where we also make our DIY fluids, and the house water’s a fragrant blend of artisanal hydrogen and oxygen reclaimed from the lungs of our bighearted line cook Ramon. Just so you know: Ramon’s from Patagonia, so his stuff’s totally clean and natural, made from the finest unharmed cells.

Or maybe you want some genuine Baby Bathtub Gin? The head barkeep, Jesus, also uses HouseMade anti-matter to provide the flavor-dissonance in our cocktails. It’s a real meta-physical approach, and we make the stuff right here in the next room with our vintage particle accelerator from CERN, Switzerland. Gives the Martini new… life!

As for appetizers, I highly recommend the Erect Salad. Enough with the “deconstructed molecular gastronomy” mumbo-jumbo. Here we build salads based on the exacting designs of Richard Neutra’s grandson, Ivo, our Food Architect. The air-hardened veggies are grown hydroponically downstairs in the cellar next to our cannabis and magic mushroom crop. Which, you guessed it!, goes right onto our Veg Plate for a hallucinatory experience organic to this micro-terroir.

But really, what makes the Veg Plate unique is that we serve it on an edible disc made from the natural pieces gathered off our all-soil parking-lot/dog park. Our locally foraged ingredients are slow-cooked in neo-oil direct from my biodiesel—slick that originally came from our fryolater the first time we cooked up our beloved liver tempura. Talk about some gorgeous, seriously made post-industrial musk, and the mystifying Cycle of Life.

How’d I come up with this idea for an Eatery? Well, shit… Good question. I guess it just seemed to me that everything’s outsourced now. Everything’s so un-genuine, so pre-fab. I just wanted to make stuff that was insourced, un-fab. Completely generative. Born.

Take, for example, tonight’s special entrée. I’m offering braised medallions of my right kidney. Only available while supplies last, so you might want to put your order in now. The surgeon gets here in 20!

Other choices include Brains of Tweeti, our head waitress, who moonlights as a social media publicity consultant. She gladly donated those delicious folds of grey matter to fill three of our cardboard mini-ramekins. Sorry, Facebook: She’s ours!

We also have a Community Offal Donation Program. It works like a co-op. Put in something valuable and tasty—who doesn’t like marinated Asian ribs or Boston butt?—and get something back. That just makes sense to me. If we want to have a truly engaged social makeup in this hood we have to make it happen. In House.

But look, I totally get it if you’re not into the Making Movement. If you’re at all worried about our food’s origins, download our mobile app and view slideshows of the exceptional humans who’ve given something of themselves to HouseMade. We don’t like to exclude, but we’ll only let you join if you’ve been fed an offal diet since birth.

What’s that moaning? Oh, Fuck, yes! Tweeti and Ramon are going at it again in the kitchen. They’re so generous. Sounds like we’re gonna have some new entrées on the menu in, oh, nine months, give or take. You wanna make that advanced reservation now or on your way out?”

–As told to Adam Baer

Adam Baer
Adam Baer has written for Harper’s, the New York Times, NPR, GQ, Rolling Stone, Atlantic, New Republic, and many other publications. Follow him on Twitter @glassshallot. ...read more


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