Everyone’s sex drive is different, and everyone responds differently to this particular biological force (except the boys in my 8th grade language arts class when I was teaching, who morphed en masse into beings from another planet as soon as puberty hit).
So, although I am posting this in response to a new reader’s question from yesterday, I need to make it clear that my experience with testosterone is my experience with testosterone. I have heard similar stories from other trans men, but they will have to speak for themselves, and are invited to do so in the comments section.
One of the most interesting things about the effects of testosterone and trans men is that we have something else to compare it to. Non-trans men do not. And non-trans women do not, which is why I wrote the post “It’s the Testosterone: What Straight Women Should Know.”
When I started testosterone a dozen years ago, I expected my sex drive to increase. The “horror” stories are a part of trans man lore, passed down from generation to generation as we all gear up for male adolescence, no matter how old we are, and take out a line of credit at the adult toy store.
And it did increase, within about four days of my first shot, and I basically squirmed a lot for two years before I got used to it. But I was planning for that. Here are the things that took me by surprise:
> It became very focused on one thing – the goal, the prize, the end. That doesn’t mean that I was not able to “make love.” What it does mean is that there was a madness to my method, because it was goal-oriented. There was a light at the end of the tunnel. There was a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. There was an unguarded hoop just waiting for a slam dunk – score!
> It became very visual. I saw it, I wanted it – whatever it was. This was a new experience for me, because, in the past, I had not been aroused so much by pictures and body parts (or pictures of body parts) as I had been by words – erotic descriptions, stories, and things said to me.
> It became very visceral – instinctual – with a need to take care of it. It had very little to do with romance or even an attraction that made sense intellectually. You’re hungry, you eat. There was a matter-of-factness about it, especially when I was by myself. Hmm … peanut butter sandwich sounds good. Okay, done. Let’s move on.
And that was how it changed. And I need to add some caveats here.
The first is to remind everyone that this was my experience. I cannot speak for anyone else.
The second is to point out that there are no doubt both women and men who have experienced or do experience something very similar. We can speak in general terms about the differences between men and women (and I personally believe, in general terms, that there are differences). But those generalities cannot be assumed to apply to all individual men and women.
The third is to totally refute the claims that have been made over the years that “all men are rapists if given the opportunity” and similar accusations. I think this is utter nonsense, as is the idea that men “can’t control themselves.”
And last, these things change. Either they eventually become less intense or we adjust. We are going through a male adolescence, and we survive and come out on the other side.
And, unless we are truly 14 (I was 42), we have a little bit of maturity and the intelligence to know what’s happening to us and how to handle it. This maturity and intelligence is what allows most men and women, trans and non-trans, to have loving adult relationships that succeed on many levels.
You only go through adolescence once (or if you transition, twice), so hopefully you enjoyed yours. Now have that peanut butter sandwich and move on.
(Photo: my first adolescence – 8th grade)
Funny, I just had a peanut butter sandwich last night….and an emphatic nodding of my head on all 3 points.
Pre transition, words and my imagination “did it” for me….not any more. I need to be able to see it (whatever it is) or/and hear it.
I am 41 and just over a yr into this physical transition.
Thanks so much for writing this. :)
*also nods* I wish someone had written this a few years ago, before I started T. All I ever heard about was the increased drive, not about how it changes. Nice pic, btw.
I had all the same changes that you have described and I’m particularly fond of the visual stimulus change because its easier to get excited and get off.
Regarding libido, my sex drive was very low before and I had become so used to it, that when it changed to an extremely high sex drive, I was vastly unprepared. I knew intellectually what to expect, but the changes were so extreme that no amount of education would have prepared me. I slept with people that I would not have slept with in other circumstances and engaged in risky behavior. I consider myself lucky to not have contracted any serious STDs.
Also, the quality of orgasm is different for me. Before it was difficult to reach it, but now once I’m past a certain point in excitement, it’s really difficult to hold it off. And when it comes, it feels like an uncontrollable explosion, rather than the slowly rising crescendo-like feel from before. Also, once I get excited, I find it nearly impossible to think about anything else. I thought that after ten years on T, this part would get easier, but it hasn’t.
Thanks for sharing your experiences, guys. I’m glad to see I’m not alone (but I didn’t think I was).
And Kian, my orgasms changed, too. They seem different to me, but maybe it’s just because I’m paying more attention. They seem stronger and more concentrated.
I did find that when I went off T for a few months due to a health problem, my sex drive reverted back to pre-T levels. And when I went back on, there it was again, like an old friend that you want to come back, but that sometimes hangs around too much and causes trouble.
When I started T I thought I was prepared for the increased drive that would come with it. Pre-T I identified as asexual, though that isn’t to say I didn’t ever ‘grab a hot dog cause I was hungry’. I did but that’s all it was, and all I needed, fulfilling a simple, physical need, I had never yet felt any desire at all to fulfill that need with some one else. When I did finally start T I was on a pretty low dose at first. My drive did increase (It was actually the very first change I noticed) but the nature of it didn’t change.
I’m now on double my starting dose (For two months now. I was on my starting dose for 6 months) and the nature of my drive has changed very much. It used to be that I could just do it with out “assistance”, I could be thinking about anything at all and it wouldn’t help or hinder. Not only is my drive stronger, I, for the first time in my life, am experiencing sexual attraction to other guys. (I’ve always considered myself a gay guy because I was definitely romantically attracted to other guys so being gay is not new to me). At first it really freaked me out, after all I’d always seen sex as icky icky yuck you’ll never get me to do that, and I really resisted it. But my attitude is changing along with my drive, and I’m slowly starting to let go and accept that I’m really not asexual anymore.
From a different perspective… It’s funny, Matt, but reading your points only confirmed for me my desire to begin spiro/estro, which I should be doing in about three weeks finally! I was talking with a friend the other day about adolescence, and honestly I do not remember anything about mine whatsoever. Guess I was numbed to it, blocked it. So I cannot wait to go through my “teen girl” adolescence and all that goes with it….
And over the course of the past year or so, my sex drive has so changed. I simply cannot be bothered with it, primarily due to the singular primal nature of it all. I used to believe (immaturely) that sex was like the biggest part of a relationship, and now its so not that important, I am so happy to not have those visual/visceral feelings anymore, those primal thoughts. I cannot wait to rid myself of T…. I’ve seen it from this side, and I want to taste it from the other. I can’t wait to move on… can I get some jelly with my peanut butter?
It’s funny. I’ve talked to so many trans guys who love their new sex drive, and I’ve talked to a great many trans women who say, “Boy, I’m glad to get rid of all that.”
Trans and non-trans, how fascinating are our similarities and our differences.
Just to contrast, since I seem to have had a fairly radically atypical experience…
Before T, I had a pretty low sex drive and was definitely not very visually triggered at all. Now, 3.5 years on T (normal blood levels, plus a half a year experiment on 1.5x normal dose), I have… a pretty low sex drive and am not strongly visually triggered.
I was actually looking forward to what I had heard… Having a sex drive to motivate one and visual cues as to whom to hit on seemed like it might make dating more do-able ;) Guess I’m just thankful for internet dating.
Late to the party here, Matt, but I love this post. It’s like the mirror image of my own experience as a trans woman on t-blockers and estrogen.
If you flip your points around to the m2f inverse, I agree with every one of them. To whit:
1. The goal/end/prize isn’t such a big deal to me. I want the intimacy, and I’d be happy to drag the moment out.
2. Visual, schmizual. I want a mood. An emotion. A moment.
3. It’s not about need, it’s about getting it right. I can wait.
Mind you, I once had the T running hot and heavy through my veins as well. I know where you’re coming from.
I really think a brain-trust of m2f and f2m people should get together some time and write a book about this stuff. We seem to understand it better than others because we’ve seen both sides.
I love this. Thanks for writing in. I agree with you that we need to write a book or do something to present this to other people who have not had this experience.
Non-trans people have nothing to compare their experience to. We do, so we can see the differences and how important hormones really are in just the scheme of life, relationships, and so on.
I read this last week and had to come back and find it after spending the weekend with the new lady in my life (straight guy here). She and I apparently have vastly oppositional sex drives at times, and that is something I am trying to work through with her. The sex is absolutely awesome which seems to make my desire for the frequency of it to increase while she seems to “have had enough” at random times without warning. Anyway, she seems quite confused by the way I act and I have often speculated that I have higher than average testosterone levels. I showed her this article because, it is so perfectly written, and as you said; contains a basis of comparison. I am a linguist, a word smith even, and I could not put into words what the difference between us is in a way she could understand. She gets “confused” and “perturbed” by my incessant displays of attraction towards her, which is for me simply normal behavior. I think this will help us both a lot, thanks for writing it.
Best Regards
– KAGE
p.s. I will also refer her to the article for straight chicks! You are a godsend for my current predicament.