Unlike 'Lord of the Rings,' this year's Oscars were a yawner -- with good ads
Published 4:00 am, Monday, March 1, 2004
And you thought "Lord of the Rings" was long.
The 76th annual Academy Awards dragged on without much drama or comedy, sucking the life out of the event even while it was doing justice to the masterpiece that is "The Lord of the Rings." But what the awards desperately needed was some kind of Middle-earth hootenanny to erupt in the staid aisles of what has been, in years past, a don't-miss television affair.
There were no surprises Sunday night other than the fact that the awards were such a snore-fest. That's usually reserved for the Emmys. Here's a look at some of the highs and lows:
-- If only Billy Crystal's taped introduction were more funny than self- serving. That might have helped. OK, so you're back. But this isn't about you -- it's about the movies.
-- Oh, and next time, either cut down the nudity or strap on a mansiere.
-- Crystal did get off a nice quip about "Lord of the Rings" when he said, "Eleven nominations -- one for each ending."
-- In the middle of Crystal's ill-advised song cycle, starting with "Mystic River," it hits you: "No wonder this thing is so bloated."
OK, so the "Lord of the Rings" riff on "My Favorite Things" was inspired.
-- Best supporting actor: Tim Robbins. Give peace a chance.
-- What does it say that the best thing of the first hour, at least, was the hilarious Martin Scorsese commercial for American Express? "Say cheese." "Good direction, Marty." Play that thing again. Thankfully, deep into the night, they did. "I've lost the narrative thread!"
-- Can Sir Ian McKellen just introduce every movie clip from here on out? Or read recipes out loud? Or just call us up for a chat? That's a pretty good little actor right there, people.
-- It wasn't long before the inevitable San Francisco gay wedding reference (Robin Williams and Billy Crystal) -- but a joke? Why not some righteousness?
-- "I wrote it to you on a note in eighth grade and now I can say it in front of a billion people -- I love you." That guy wasn't even famous, and he immediately made dozens of nervous nominees bitter with envy.
-- By showing that old guy every time Russell Crowe got mentioned -- guess that meant he wasn't coming, right?
-- Best supporting actress: Renee Zellweger. OK, when does she not look as if she's going to drown in an ocean of her own tears? But how come they're never believable?
-- It didn't take long for that cutesy music used to introduce each presenter to get really, really stale.
-- Their movie might not be any good, who knows, but Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson are always bitterly hilarious together.
-- For every duo or threesome who have ever won or will win an Oscar, we present you with this important piece of advice: He (or she) who goes second doesn't get to go. Come on, people, figure it out -- the first guy hogs all the time and you get the musical hook.
-- Just a tip for Liv Tyler. Oh, honey, come on -- the glasses aren't going to open up the doors of Mensa.
-- The Crystal skit about what was going through the minds of the stars -- yeah, that was pretty good. But here's what was going through everybody's mind at home: "Oh, so this bloated part in the middle is the reason all the speeches at the end, the ones we really want to see, are all shortened and manic. Got it."
-- Blake Edwards. That wheelchair stunt took some guts. And he's clearly a man who will go a long way to get a laugh.
-- Love Bill Murray. But maybe saying Sofia Coppola was the first "American girl" nominated as best director didn't quite do her justice. Just maybe.
-- Apparently necessary new rule for the Oscars: No thanking anyone in postproduction. Ever.
-- Julia Roberts hair? Not so much.
-- The tribute to Katharine Hepburn proved this much: They haven't replaced her yet.
-- A full two hours into what is supposed to be the best awards show on the planet and then it hits you: Should have gone to a movie.
-- Of course Oprah introduced the overly dramatic "Mystic River." It was perfect. Even more perfect: The clip focused on Sean Penn, and when it was over, the camera cut to his seat and there was a seat-filler in his place.
-- The Errol Morris lecture will be in room B24. An odd, self-serving speech for "The Fog of War" director, but "I fear we're going down a rabbit hole once again," well, yeah, that needed to be said.
-- During the dead-people portion of the show, more living people should have clapped -- and louder -- for Robert Stack and Alan Bates.
-- "Please welcome Sting and Phil Collins." Translation: bathroom break.
-- Thankfully and mercifully, that "Triplets of Belleville" number got everybody's blood pumping again.
-- "My time's up, as usual." Who was that guy? And can he come back next year and fill in for a dozen or so people?
-- It was great to see Francis Ford and daughter Sofia up onstage together. He must be so proud of her, and she, in all her shy, awkward beauty, was a refreshing change from the Hollywood sameness.
-- And then she won. The Coppolas became the second three-generation family of Oscar winners (the Hustons being the first), and Sofia thanked her mother for encouraging them all to make art. A great moment, with Nicolas Cage hooting with happiness.
-- OK, so shoot us and shame us, but we laughed out loud -- both times -- at the Washington Mutual commercials.
-- That was a seven-year sigh that Peter Jackson let out when he won for best director. Talk about pressure -- if he'd lost, it would have been the biggest letdown in modern Oscar history, what with all the hype. And what's not to like about Jackson, from his noted self-deprecation to his crazy hair and untidy shirt and tie?
-- Give Adrien Brody props for a good prop.
-- When Charlize Theron won for best actress, all the hot actresses -- and let's not kid ourselves, they're all hot -- were thinking one thing: "Next year, one fat suit, one big gun, one gold trophy."
-- A standing ovation for Sean Penn -- now that's respect for a guy his age. But he's earned it in a string of stunning performances. But does Clint Eastwood get something for urging Penn to attend?
-- What a deservedly glorious night for "The Lord of the Rings," precisely the kind of epic that Hollywood does better than anyone and the kind of film that restores your faith in $9 tickets. In one of those nights when everyone expected to win did win, you were happy for the lack of upsets.
Not only that, but Peter Jackson made the fourth installment while waiting for the night to end.