Situation Critical presents artists with various life situations—some joyous, some terrible, some bizarre—to find out what music they would turn to under those specific circumstances. This time, we spoke with comedy duo Tom Scharpling and Jon Wurster, who just released a box set highlighting choice bits from their long-running radio program "The Best Show" appropriately called The Best of the Best Show. "The Best Show" airs online every Tuesday night and is available via podcast as well.
You're in the car with your grandmother...
Jon Wurster: I'd put on Kiss’ "Room Service" because the first thought that always comes up when I think of my grandmother is her walking into my bedroom when I was 11 and seeing my giant Kiss poster and saying, "That's hot!" [laughs] She was trying to talk to me on my level and be kind of hip.
Tom Scharpling: I remember listening to "After the Lovin" by Engelbert Humperdinck with my grandparents. It's old-people music, but then suddenly you realize what "after the lovin" means and how gross it is that you're listening to this song with your grandparents. What are the circumstances of a guy saying, "So I sing you this tune after the lovin"? Is that in a hotel room?
JW: A back alley?
TS: He’s getting dressed as he sings it. [laughs] It’s so gross! I think he's crying in that song, something like, "As I wipe the tears from your eyes." Like, what happened in that room?!
A meteor is about to destroy the entire planet...
TS: Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band's version of "Jump" from a 2014 show in Dallas, with Tom Morello on guest guitar. When they opened the show, they actually brought a basketball on stage and did a jump-ball, then they did "Jump". I could not believe it. People say Bob Dylan’s so weird, but Bruce is the weird one—he's doing it in front of 70,000 people every time.
You're playing music for your child for the first time...
JW: It would have to be something really cool to shape his future, right?
TS: This is a big one. It's gotta stand alone as a statement, because if you play him Dead Kennedys, that only makes sense built off a knowledge of punk; Big Star is only important if you already know the Beatles. So I would probably go all the way with "You Painted Your Teeth" by Jandek. Then you’re just all in. You're teaching your kid about recording backwards in your mud room and then putting records out with no discernible packaging—just keeping things a complete question mark.
JW: I’d pick Captain Beefheart’s "Dachau Blues" off Trout Mask Replica. I mean, this kid has to be ready for first grade—he's gotta be head and shoulders above everybody else, in terms of musical knowledge.
It's 4 a.m. and you can't fall asleep...
JW: I would probably pick "Frantic Disembowelment" by Cannibal Corpse.
TS: I would probably not pick "Frantic Disembowelment" by Cannibal Corpse. I would listen to something that I didn’t have a personal connection to, something old-timey like "Winchester Cathedral". But then I would listen to the Tony Randall version of that song and think: "Tony Randall... ‘Odd Couple’... There's a new ‘Odd Couple’ on CBS… Should I put together a spec script?" And then I would be up at 9 a.m. writing spec scripts for the new "Odd Couple" where they're arguing over who gets to use the Groupon.
You're at a karaoke bar...
JW: The song I was singing when I broke a karaoke mic in half about 10 years ago was AC/DC’s "Back In Black". I was really going for it and I looked over at my then-girlfriend, who was absolutely mortified and annoyed, but I just had to power through it. I don't know what I did to break the mic but I handed it back to the guy who was running the show, and he was so mad. But I just thought it showed how fucking rockin’ I am.
TS: My favorite karaoke song is "Walkin' on the Sun" by Smash Mouth. It's just the next extension of the American Songbook. And it’s one of the few songs where, when I hear it, I'm pretty sure I'm technically a better singer than the actual person singing it.
You are refused entry from a restaurant after the host tells you that you don't meet the dress code...
TS: "Holiday Road" by Lindsey Buckingham, because you can really make an exit to that song. And then the restaurant people would be like, "Maybe we made the wrong call, that guy seemed like he was fun."
JW: I'd play the very end of Prince and the Revolution’s "Little Red Corvette" and do that dance that they all did and just saunter out of the restaurant.
TS: [Revolution keyboardist] Doctor Fink did the dance—though I think having that surgical mask on all the time worked against him in the long run.
JW: It’s hard to do anything else with that other than join Clinic.
TS: Yeah. I met the guys from Clinic with their masks off and… I kind of wish I didn't meet them with their masks off. They’re really nice British guys, but with the masks off it took all the mystery out of it. And that's also why I never want to meet any of the guys from Slipknot.
You just drank five cups of coffee in quick succession...
JW: I would put the Descendents’ "All" on repeat a thousand times because the song is one second long.
TS: I'd probably listen to some Henry Rollins-related coffee song, like Black Flag’s "Black Coffee", or maybe listen to one of his spoken word things like "Black Coffee Blues". His love of coffee will help me ride the crash out.
You are a professional wrestler making your way to the ring...
JW: I'd probably go with "She's So European" by Kiss, because it's their toughest song. (You have to put a link to this song because then you will find out it's their least tough song.)