Category: Life

Endings

On By cherrytartblogIn Journey, Life, Wicked Wednesday15 Comments

Wicked Wednesday #9 – Prompt #176 – “The End”

This post was going to be about the end of my twenty-odd year relationship with my abusive, narcissistic ex and the start of my learning to love me. As per usual when I started writing I got a bit carried away with researching, trying to find an easy to use list or chart with the different signs of an abusive relationship, traits of a narcissist etc. etc. Then I remembered that this was a blog post and not a college assignment. I read what I had written and deleted it. It was another whingy post and I’m in the mood to celebrate. So the basic facts – he was a prick, he made me feel like shit, he was controlling and he though that he was perfect.

Ten years ago was an end to his crap.

Six years ago was an end to being a victim.

Three years ago was an end to hiding away at home.

Last year was an end to just existing.

I now have a new life, one where I like me. It doesn’t involve him in any way, he has no interest in seeing his children for which we are all grateful – the older ones refer to him as the ‘sperm donor’. Life may not be perfect but it’s a hell of a lot better than it was.

I still occasionally feel ugly and stupid but I know a lot of that is because sometimes it can take a long time to reverse the conditioning (and the depression doesn’t help). I know I have people who love me and care about me and they are the ones who matter.

Last Saturday my best friend had a heart attack, thankfully she’s on the mend but it really made me realise that life is too damn short to spend it looking back and being miserable. And it’s too damn short to be giving a shit about how I look. This week I think I can sense an end to more of my negative thoughts and feelings about myself. I don’t know how long it’s going to last. I’m tired, I ache, my body hurts but this body has been appreciated by several men over the years and only one has ever put me down so fuck him, I’m going with the majority on this one!

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The Best Mornings

On By cherrytartblogIn Life, Wicked Wednesday5 Comments

Wicked Wednesday #8

Prompt #175 (Good) Morning

I was never much of a morning person, mainly because I’d stay up till 3 or 4 am just to get some alone time. With a house full of kids I never got any time for me. At one point it got so bad they missed more days of school than they actually went and I had even less time to myself because they were home all day. I was tired all the time, the house was a mess and I knew I had to change something so I switched it around. I started getting up two hours before I had to wake them up, this meant I went to bed earlier, but it also meant I had time to do the things I needed to do (housework :( ) But eventually I got myself organised and I found that I had time in the evenings too, we were all much better off.

Now the kids are older I have a lot more time for me, now I’m a morning person. I get up at six, I write, blog, check e-mail, I love the early morning quiet, especially at this time of year. It’s still dark so I wrap myself up and sit at the computer with a hot cup of tea and savour the peace. I hate mornings when I wake up late, like today, I don’t like having to rush, it puts me out for the whole day.

There are better mornings though, those mornings when I’m not alone, those mornings when I feel his hands on me, his cock hard against me, those mornings that I know that I don’t have to get up. Those are the best mornings.

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Lies

On By cherrytartblogIn Life5 Comments

You don’t belong, you’re useless, no-one really likes you, you’re ugly, you’re fat, you’re old, why do you bother? With anything? What’s the point? Why do you keep trying? Give it up,

Today is not a good day, today is a very bad day. Yesterday I was doing OK, but this morning I wanted to stay in bed. Today I don’t want to ever have to leave the house again, I don’t want to ever have to talk to anyone again. I know today is a bad day because I keep crying. I haven’t cried for a long time. Today I feel as if I really don’t belong, I don’t belong anywhere, I never have. I don’t fit. I never have. I always try too hard, or not enough, I care too much, or not enough. I can’t do anything right

The really crazy thing is that I know none of this is true, I know it’s my depression, with it’s lies, whispering in my head, wanting to keep me in the darkness, wanting me to give in, to give up, surrender to it. To stay in the dark, where it’s safe, to go back to not feeling anything, to just be numb.

I fucking hate it, my life is good, the sun is shining and still I can’t stop crying. I’m angry, I am so tired of this, my whole life has been spent like this and I finally thought I’d kicked its arse.

I’m going to keep kicking its arse and maybe tomorrow will be a good day.

Revisiting

On By cherrytartblogIn Life, Wicked Wednesday2 Comments

Wicked Wednesday #7

I haven’t been at this blogging lark for very long and I have a grand total of 43 posts! So when I saw this weeks prompt I wasn’t sure what I could revisit. I decided to go all the way back to last Thursday – Finding the words?

It was getting on for three weeks since I’d seen Sir and all I could think of was him using me. I couldn’t concentrate on writing properly, and having to go out into the vanilla world I live in was so hard, I couldn’t talk to anyone out there. I know it’s part of my depression that makes me feel like that, the being unable to communicate, the feeling that no-one could understand how I felt. In the past I wouldn’t talk to anyone about anything, I kept everything bottled up. In the last three or four years things have changed. By allowing other people in, allowing myself to talk to them, it really made such a difference. And when I started college full-time I was lucky enough to have two tutors in particular that I could talk to about anything, they were the best two years of my life up until that point. The problem was that the course finished, one of them retired and moved away and even though I went back to the same college last September it wasn’t the same. Different course, different people, I could still have the occasional chat with the other tutor but I really missed the long conversations we’d have in class. I had a flick back through the journal I started at the end of last October. I’ve had some bad episodes in the past but I think that was the closest I’ve ever come to actually giving in and going into hospital. But what a difference a year makes! Keeping up with the writing, meeting Sir, being able to explore my kinks, finding and reading other blogs, all this has helped me so much. Having this space to express how I feel has become a kind of safety valve, even if I don’t actually post some of the things I’ve written. Sometimes it’s enough to open a fresh page and just type, I may not finish, it may not make sense but it helps. And as crappy as I felt last week I know my life right now is good, I can’t believe how good it is. I have so much less stress in my life, I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world and to top it off I have Sir.

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Yesterday the tutor who retired came back for a visit. When I spoke to her she said she barely recognised me, that I looked so much happier, (she said I looked ten years younger, but I’m not so sure about that :) ) She knows a lot about how my life was, we both had abusive exes and we discussed it a lot. She’s been happily married to a really nice guy for the last fifteen years and she was delighted when I told her I’d finally met someone. Our conversation made me realise how much I missed her but sometimes we just need to move on – and she really does look ten years younger.

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My Journey – part 3

On By cherrytartblogIn Journey, Life, Relationships2 Comments

I know it’s been a while since I last talked about this but I’ve been a bit distracted :) but here’s the next installment.

And Violet I think this is pretty safe :)

We’d been talking online for a couple of weeks and it was rare that I’d had so much in common with anyone – even down to which biscuits we liked. There had been very little talk of sex, really only how long it had been – I won – five years to his few months. It was mostly about how much we both missed having someone in our lives and the lack of hugs. In one message he wrote:

‘I have a collection of unused hugs. The longer, lingering face-burying kind. The little ones I can offload easily, kids, friends, relative etc. but the ones that either slow the heart or make it race, well I need to get out and exchange some of those.’

I think I really fell in love then.

The only time things got a little more, let’s say interesting, was when we were talking about him wanting to attach a camera to a kite using duct tape to take some photos. The next message he sent was about ‘…taking duct tape and a camera to meet a stranger…’ he also says he has a cold. I text back that I hadn’t even realised about the duct tape and camera until he mentioned it and that he could bring it as long as he didn’t give it to me. So he texts back ‘Are we still talking about duct tape?’ And my reply is that I was talking about his cold, and that I don’t know if I’d like duct tape, it’d be too hard to remove. After I sent it I though WTF am I doing? But the conversation went back to the usual, safe topics. I was really only looking for someone to meet up with occasionally, someone to have dinner with, someone to have a decent conversation with. I really would have settled for just a hug but obviously it would be great if there was sex too. Once we had arranged to meet I was staring to feel physically sick, getting more nervous as the day approached. The first time we met he drove across the country to see me and the first thing we did was hug, it felt amazing. He took me out to dinner, and although I was still feeling nervous gradually I calmed down. After dinner I took him for a walk around town and then we went for a drink. The whole time we didn’t stop talking, or laughing. Afterwards he offered to walk me home. I’d gotten someone to mind the kids overnight, we were getting on well and he had a hotel room – what was I going to do? I thought it better to get the whole sex thing out of the way – if we weren’t as compatible in bed as we were in everything else wouldn’t it be good to find out now instead of him having to drive all that way again? So we went back to the hotel, I’m not going to give all the details but for me it was as if he could see inside my head. At one point he asked me if I was a bit shy because I hadn’t asked him to do anything but I told him that I hadn’t needed to, he did it all anyway. We talked quite a lot about sex, our likes and dislikes, his surprise at finding out I wasn’t shaved or waxed and that I hadn’t given him a blow job. Those things seemed to have become the norm, but I had found it bad enough getting my eyebrows waxed a couple of times, no way anyone was going near my bits, as for shaving I didn’t fancy a cut there either. When it comes to blow jobs it’s not something I’d ever really liked, I have sucked a few cocks in my time but I preferred not to, and if a bloke didn’t want to give me oral that was fine too. I told him that I had always had a thing about being tied up but never found anyone willing or able and he asked me if I liked to be spanked. No-one had ever asked me and I had no feelings one way or the other, I’d had the odd swat on the behind but nothing more. So that night I got my first spanking, it was only a few light slaps but I’d found something else I liked. Life had suddenly gotten a lot more interesting!

Finding the words?

On By cherrytartblogIn Life, Relationships5 Comments

This has been a period of dark thoughts, twisted fantasies growing ever more extreme. Thoughts of bondage, spankings, slapping, clamps, pain. Thoughts of being hurt and used beyond our norms. Our norms are dictated by circumstance, not need, wants or desires. I want to travel beyond, I need to be taken beyond. To find that other, to experience the darkness and explore it.

The hardest thing is being unable to express this need, to find the words. Lately I find I can’t even write, too many thoughts swirling around in my head, incoherent visions, incomplete…

The darkness is growing, the mask an almost permanent fixture but this time for different reasons. To hide my needs from those who don’t/can’t/won’t understand. Even if I could tell them. How to explain to others that it not only his presence I miss but all that his presence means to me. How to find the words to express that I need, when I can’t even find the words myself.

Not a Wicked Wednesday Post

On By cherrytartblogIn Life, Wicked Wednesday2 Comments

I love taking part in some of the different memes out there, they give me things to write about, they keep me on topic (sometimes). Having deadlines and prompts has been very useful, I’m writing more than I have for a long time, and even when I see a prompt and don’t have any idea what to write I’ll usually be able to come up with something else suitable. The prompt for this week’s Wicked Wednesday is:

If you had a choice, what would you dream about tonight?

My answer to this would be ‘Nothing’. I don’t often remember my dreams, the ones I do remember are usually either nightmares or ones that are so special that when I wake up and realise it was a dream I want to cry. I prefer my dreamless nights. So I’m going to write about something totally different.

Today I just feel the need to write. I’ve had a couple of weeks of feeling crappy, mentally. I’m going through a bit of a depressive phase, I’m not depressed but I just feel annoyed, pissed off, fed up and just generally blah. The good thing is that I know why I’m feeling like this. I have a couple of things going on at the moment that are making me, not unhappy exactly, but are not filling me with joy. I know that in a few days they should be sorted out. And they aren’t things I can do anything about so I just have to wait. On top of that I started back at college last week which means I’m tired, and when I’m tired I find it harder to deal with things. Another couple of weeks I’ll be back into the routine and I’ll be fine. I’m wondering as well if the Depo jab has anything to do with it. I’m due the next one in a couple of weeks and I’m pretty sure the last time it was due I felt a bit crappy too. Something to keep track of.

A few years ago this phase would have ended with me being depressed, probably for weeks, and having a real struggle to find my way back again. The big thing for me is that I have learned to recognise when I’m starting the slide, to figure out what’s causing it and how to deal with it. Knowing if it’s something I can change or not. Knowing what I need to do to keep myself from falling back into the hole. Things like getting out of the house, talking to people, walking – I’ve been doing plenty of that lately because I’m back in school. But at night, when I can’t talk to people, when all I want to do is pull the covers over my head, I write or I read, or I’ll listen to music and wait until it’s late enough to go to sleep. And just hope I don’t have any dreams.

And sometimes I watch Jacksepticeye on YouTube, he is fucking hilarious!

I’m not linking this post to Wicked Wednesday but I am including the  link as I’m sure you’ll find something deliciously wicked over there :)

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked