Sunday, August 24, 2014

5e Background: A Goat

Save the Icelandic Goat
You are an escaped experiment of a renegade alchemist and his ogre doxy. You are the last of your kind, a secret parallel evolution alongside monkeypeople, like them yet so unlike them. You are a humble prince, cursed for your humility, o such hubris to be so humble, wandering the rest of your days believing you are nature's garbage disposal. You are a drunken lout who offended a fey beguiler, returned from your ungulate state by the efforts of better men and seeking a new life and some alfalfa. You are a goat who ate a magic mushroom and possibly the gnome living inside it, and now you're a person, and people yell at you when you go around naked but they can bite you, it's fun and it feels right. You are an amnesiac dragon. You are a prank cooked up by some devildemon. You have engaged in soul modification to appeal to awesome hell keepers. You are a caprakin, showing only the traces of your great northern anscestors' dalliance with the god-goats of the war-heaven. You are a wereibex. You are drunk. You are a goat cleverly passing in crude humanoid guise. Clever, clever goat.
When you choose this background, fucking awesome. Work with your DM to determine how the mechanical setup of the Race you pick can be reinterpreted in goat-ese, or to file down the edges to make things goatier. Remember that a lightning-screaming goat > dragonborn. Also make sure this is cool with everyone. Some people's make believe game where Hobbits fight Jell-O gets ruined when not everyone is taking things seriously. I know, I know, still, don't be that guy who goes out of their way to bother someone. Additionally, make sure everyone else is cool with you being a goat if only because it might make them realize their background sucks and conspicuously lacks goat.

Skill Proficiencies: Intimidation, Acrobatics
Languages: Goats. Think of it as a kind of Speak With Animals that's super limited and always on.
Tool Proficiencies: Carts and wagons.
Equipment: A sack of oats, some cans, and a thick, wiry coat.

Feature: Goat Lore

There is always a safe path through the mountains.
There is always something edible nearby.
There is always a safe crossing at a river.
You know a great deal about trolls, and may know many trolls by sight or reputation.

Suggested Characteristics:

Singleness of mind and purpose. Threats and impediments and drama concerning what you are doing is immaterial. You are adventurous and want to try new things, particularly using your mouth. You also wish to be left mostly to your own ends. This creates conflict. You don't often notice. You are also metal. If you find yourself behaving not metal, stop.

d8 Personality Trait:
1. I feint at any sign of danger, like loud noises.
2. I check where I'm going twice before proceeding, in both life and locomotion.
3. I prefer to ruminate on new information for long periods.
4. I frequently butt heads with those who tell me what to do.
5. I am ambitious and wish to climb as high as I can.
6. I prefer cooler climates and tempers, but I will stone cold push you off a cliff.
7. If I cannot defeat a problem face on, I like to know someone who can.
8. I have no idea where I am going.

d6 Ideal:
1. Family. Particularly brotherhood. (I)
2. Supremacy. There are only winners and losers. Winners fuck. (Hate)
3. Privacy. Enforce with heights. (Alignment)
4. Survival. The winters are long. Do what you must. (Use)
5. Variety. Do one thing for a long time, and then do another thing. Try to eventually do every thing. Do things you hate because they are not the boss of you. (Your)
6. Hate. Sheep can fuck off. (Judgment)

d6 Bond:
1. I have heard of an endless, sheepless meadow, and would go there, in life or death.
2. I need avenge the wrong done upon my people in the name of fashion.
3. I would wrong my people in the name of fashion.
4. I wish to scale the mountain because it's there, and it relaxes me, and I just think everything will make more sense when I'm there, man.
5. Because of my "crimes" I have a debt to "society" that I am thoroughly avoiding paying.
6. There are some who would call me mad...

d6 Flaw:
1. I have an expansive definition of comestibles.
2. I value my own life above all else except the Questioning.
3. I will keep on far past the point of good sense once I've set my mind to something.
4. The smell.
5. I have no respect of personal space but demand respect for my own.
6. Psst. Hey. I am mad.


  1. PS Save the Icelandic Goat

  2. I barely get this. Ergo, its rad.

  3. This was fun to read. I feel like "goat" wants to be a class more than a background, or would at my game table. Add things like noting magic rings go on the horns, maximum 2 effective. Butt for 1d4, then 1d6, then 1d8 as leveling up continues. Great saving throws. Armor restrictions. That sort of thing.