3 Defenses Of The Drunk Mac And Cheese Man

So, if you’ve seen “the internet” today, you’ve probably seen the video of the UCONN student who drunkenly demanded jalapeno bacon mac and cheese, and ended up face down on the ground yelling, and I quote, “FUUUUUUCK....I am absolutely fucked,” while getting arrested.

But let’s watch it again, below. Appeals to the American Constitution happen early. Fistcuffs happen about six minutes in. The money quote starts at about 8:05.

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So, okay, this is bad. The kid says he’s 19 and, you know, that’s underage for whatever the hell he seems to have been drinking. Slurring your order is bad. Assaulting cafeteria man is bad. Wearing slides with socks is bad. If a 19-year-old black kid had tried to pull this off, it wouldn’t have taken six minutes for somebody to put him on the floor.

But after watching it (again, and again), I can’t help feeling a little bit sorry for the kid. And I can’t help noticing that the kid needed help more than he needed a police officer on his back. The video actually shows admirable patience on the part of the cafeteria manager — less so on the part of full-nelson throwing cafeteria enforcer who shouts “you’re not gonna hit my boss,” which kisses enough ass to make Waylon Smithers blush. But any situation between “adult in authority” and “drunk college kid” that ends in “FUUUUCK” (or “Don’t Tase me, bro”) probably could have been handled differently.

Understanding that I’m not actually criticizing the cafeteria manager, here are three ways in which this situation could have worked out better for our shoeless guy.

1. They Could Have Given Him His Goddamn Mac and Cheese.

Right? Sure, he had an open container, but by the time the video starts, he’s disposed of it. Sure, he’s drunk. But I promise you, that’s not he first time a college student has shown up to the market blitzed and needing a snack. They were within their rights not to serve him, but once it became clear that he was going to cause a scene, they could have just given him what he wanted.

In our culture, everybody is so concerned with looking “weak” that the virtue of giving the baby his bottle has been completely lost. People buy guns specifically so they can shoot potential threats (and usually themselves) instead of taking the FAR SAFER option of just running away — because somebody might say that they ran “like a bitch” and then their penises would be all sad.

Well, I’ll take being a bitch one step further: not only should they have served him the food, then they should have told on him and gotten him in trouble with his mother. In that world, nobody gets shoved.

2. He Could Have Better Friends

At one point, his friends come up to him to try to calm him down, and he pushes them away and they’re like “whatever” and then our guy is out of people to shove and he goes after the cafeteria man.

That’s not what my friends do.

If I’m in that situation... check that... When I’m in that situation, my boys will put me down in the mud LONG before some cafeteria man gets his hands on me. You don’t leave your buddy just drunk and out there to be “absolutely fucked” by freaking cafeteria workers. If he needs to be put down, YOU put him down, and get him out of there before the cops come.

Smart friends would have just ORDERED HIM A MAC AND CHEESE. That’s what Tessio would have done. “I got your mac and cheese right here man, let’s bounce.”

Granted, maybe this kid acts like this all the time and is the kind of asshole who can’t attract quality friends. But whenever you see a drunk person completely lose his mind in public, somewhere there is a friend who could have done more.

3. They Could Have Let Him Cook His Own Mac and Cheese.

I know that sounds crazy but, as our guys says in the video, “this is getting posted somewhere.” Why not just go with it? It worked out for this lady.

College kids are going to get drunk and drunk kids are going to get belligerent. Are we going to arrest them all? Are we just going to use YouTube for the lulz? Or are we going to bring together these two forces to help defray the rising cost of education.

Don’t tell me you wouldn’t subscribe to “Drunk On-Campus Cooking.”