BASILDON COUNCIL CLAIM VICTORY OVER IGNORING
RESIDENTS
At a
secret meeting at the crowed bar of The Beehive the whole council agreed that it
had won a great victory over ignoring residents: called insurgents by them.
Fat council leader Tony Defecatball declared that the
had totally ignored residents pleas over the last twenty six years.
“Basildon residents are a lot of low down bums who do
not know their elbows from their arseholes.”, said Tony, self styled rhubarb
planter and Afgan hero to himself. He went on speaking over the voices of bar
staff and customers alike,
“We know best, not the insurgents who claim benefits
without a tie and suit. I say without an iota of doubt that residents do not know what
is good for them; only the council does. Our promise to regenerate the town has
been a lie for the past uncountable years of our closed earholes. The bums have
believed us in their small brains and shit inside underwear. The money
promised has been spent on large funny wearing hat parties inside council
chambers where no one can hear us laughing uncontrollably at the stupid peasants
who write letters to their representatives who throw them in the waste paper
baskets the moment received. Hoodwinked, by gollywog yes! When they asked us to
keep open the Gloucester Park Festival, we ignored them and shut it down. When
asked not to refurbish the Council Centre and St. Martin’s Square we ignored
them. When now asked to relight Basildon street lights after midnight we have
ignored them. We are proud of all that.”
Tony then bought a round of drinks for his council
chums on Pole Tax money and they all cheered and looked at insurgent customer
drinkers with rolled up with eyes full of contempt. The residents looked back at them with
rolled up eyes of complete piss heads. This went on all night until all eyes
were stuck up in there sockets with only the whites showing. This condition is
called inebriate blindness and the only way to get out of the pub is by way of
walking around in circles until one falls out of a door. There are always
emotional farewells with punching and kissing the floor. A chair is often thrown
across the room cracking open a skull. This is called cranium displacement.
The next morning the council reform to do more
ignoring. In residents clubs all over the town votes have been counted and
residents have decided to ignore not only the council but each other. So, the
next time you go into town it will stink of silence. And that is the way things
will be forever and forever.
VISITOR TURNS UP WITH THE
SAME SIZE BELLY AS COUNCIL LEADER.
A bizarre
incident happened in a Basildon council chamber yesterday. A visitor had the
same sized belly as council leader Bobby Bouncy Ball.
Male councillors like to have similar
sized bellies and although they eat a lot, none has exactly the same size as the
council leader. The visitor, Mr. Tim Blowitall, however, has the same size as
Cll. Ball. He has a 87 inch waist Mr. Blownitall also has a size 87!
This caused uproar in the chamber
with councillors demanding to have their waists measured. Cll. Bagettes, who
eats six free dinners a day, mainly made up of German Faggots, was the first in
the queue. He undid his belt, after being shown where its buckle was, and his
belly flopped out like a tractors inner tube. It took three councillors to hold
the measuring tape. His belly measured 86 inches. He demanded it be measured
three more times before he accepted the fact that his belly was one inch short.
He belched and fell to his neck.
Cll. Daddy was the second to be
measured. He dropped his enormous trousers made from an unlimited stretch
material and gasped when he measured only 85 inches. Then it came to Cll.
Hadley-Badly whose trousers had a wet stain in the crotch. He went blue when it
was discovered that he had a cushion tied around his waist. Such is the
competition to weasel up to Bouncy.
The only one who was larger than
Bobby, was Moo Larkinship, the mayor. She was disqualified for being womanish.
Blownitall & Ball had their
photograph taken together, which will be shown in the next issue of 'Big Boobs'
magazine.
The two winners then went for a free
dinner of Cowpie and sausages, followed by Wardrobe pudding and custard. They
had six helpings before they pushed back their chairs and drunk twelve pints of
Pigs Bitter.
There suits will be on display at The
National Science Museum. Victoria Beckham has expressed an interest to showcase
the suits in her new collection of inhuman weight peoples dress this Christmas.
The two men will go on a promotional tour; appearing on such shows as 'The Oprah
Winfrey Show' and 'The Heston Blumenthal's Big Cooking' TV show.
They will also be guest judges at
'MacDonald's Big Mac Contest.' held at The Roundhouse, London.
The two have become big friends with
a lot in common. When asked their favourite characters from a book. They both
simultaneously said, “Tweedledum & Tweeldledee”.
When walking upstairs to the gents
toilet both exploded.
This is a sad ending to these well
resented men; who will be best remembered for their sloth.
At their funeral the pall-barers will
be Arnold Schwarzenegger
and the rest of the cast of 'The Expendables.' Their caskets will be made of
pastry and they will be cremated at The Fatwa Iron Foundry and the Wake held at
Pot Belly's on Basildon Market.
EBOOLA OUTBREAK MUTATES INTO
AN OUTBREAK.
By Lips Dribbling, virus outbreak reporter.
The
Eboola virus has become a more serious outbreak than
the outbreak before.
The symptoms of Eboola
are easy to spot. If you see a person sitting down, drinking a cup of coffee and
reading a newspaper then that person has Eboola. Also, anyone sitting down and
watching TV is likely to have the virus. People who ask questions about what the
government is doing is certain to have the disease.
If you see anyone who
has these symptoms report them to the police immediately. They will be arrested,
em, assisted to a medical camp where they will receive official treatment.
They will be isolated
in a small room where CCTV will watch them for any signs of developing Eboola.
Loud heavy metal music will be played to them twenty-four hours a day to aid
their recovery. They will not be allowed to lie on their stripped bunks during
the day because this will encourage laziness, a condition Eboola likes to
attack. They will be fed genetically modified carrots to help them see in the
dark, as their rooms will have no lighting is case one of them adopts the insane
idea of writing a letter to The Human Court of Human Righteousness, which we all
know is a terrorist group influenced by dangerous humanitarian thoughts. Thought
is a condition of Big Eboola which is bigger than ordinary Eboola which can
cause death by one gunshot.
Razor wire is
necessary to prevent a patient from escaping and spreading Eboola to well
behaved moronic citizens who believe everything the government says. These
citizens will be given chocolates and copies of the Sun newspaper to read. They
will be known as White American or British Compliants.
Frankenstein guards
will be placed in every school; work place; and bedroom to leer at people and
make them feel uncomfortable and inferior. Anyone seen looking at a government
building will be tazered fifteen times to make them feel tired and want to go
home.
All these measures are
necessary if we are to beat this terrifying disease created by teams of
scientists who want to depopulate vast areas in Africa where it was started by
black Witch doctors in villages known as Eboola starter camps.
All statues of our
glorious leaders will be covered with yellow protective suits to protect them
from terrorist groups wearing black baggy trousers and using spray cans to
defoil our beautiful white women who wear red suspenders and stockings.
Chemically modified
gin known as Cretin Cocktails will be handed out by the bucketful to citizens
who have cheerfully volunteered to become zombies. The decrease in public houses
will be stopped and every inhabited zone will have a pub on every corner again
in order to return to the 18th century good old days of continual drunkenness.
Every obedient worker
will receive a living wage of three barrels of beer a week and all working women
will return to be happy housewives locked up in their houses to protect them
from the spread of Eboola by Muslim immigrants. No immigrant will be allowed to
shave. You can easily spot an immigrant by his beard. These are known as Eboola
beards. If you see one beat him up, but do not attempt to kiss one otherwise you
will end up with Eboola or a horrible rash.
Youths will join our
army of spy's to inform on their parents if seen eating cheese on toast.
All these rules will
stop Eboola outbreaks, until the government invents another disease to scare the
pants off you.
UCRAP LEADER NIGEL DERANGED
DECLARES HE IS THE LEADER OF UCRAP.
By Nancy Nicecake,
show biz reporter.
“Nigel as
leader of UCRAP can you admit that your policies are a whisker different than
Tory policy?”
Laughing loudly and holding up his
pint of Bitter, Deranged said, “Nothing could be further from the truth.”
“But your policies are not unlike the
Tories, surely you must see that.”, said Nancy sipping from her large glass of
gin & tonic.
Laughing even louder and taking a
small sip from his glass, he replied, “Further from the truth nothing can be.”
“Why do you think that a large
proportion of working class people are joining your party.” asked Nancy taking a
gulp.
“Everything you say is nearer to the
truth than anything you have spouted so far.” announced Nigel to all his party
people surrounding him. He laughed excitedly.
“Some have said that your party is a
Trojan Horse deliberately initiated to insure the Tory agenda remains intact.”
said Nancy ordering a pint of gin & tonic.
Grinning so hard his jaw might crack,
Deranged said, “Don't make me laugh. We are going to bring great changes to this
country by leaving the EU.”
“But that is already a promise by the
Tory party.”, said Nancy swigging from her pint.
Deranged broke into near hysterical
laughter and so did all his party members. The bar was ringing with laugher.
“Let me tell you something dear woman. The Tories have only promised, we have
pledged. In that there is a great deal of difference.”
“You say that you will slash
benefits. Isn't that what the chancellor is doing now?” Nancy did a little jig.
“Not at all. The present Chancellor
is keeping benefits as they are for two years. We are going to slash benefits in
two years.” said Deranged laughing so loudly a dog began to howl.
“A Tory MP has defected to your
party. Are you not concerned that he will bring with him Tory beliefs and
values?” slurred Nancy swaying her dress about.
Holding in a huge laugh, Deranged
spluttered, “We are an open and tolerant party and will not stop a member from
expressing his views. Views that we might very well take on board.”
Nancy sniggered, “So you are prepared
to take on Tory values if they suit you. Will that be true if Labour party
member defects to you?”
Sipping from his pint with a look of
abhorrence. Deranged put down his Bitter and asked for a bottle of Danish spring
water and asked if the cameras could be turned off for a moment. A sea of UCRAP
members swayed forward with a look of complete hatred on their faces. The
camera crew lowered their cameras. Nigel laughed very loudly and bumped into one
of Nancy's breasts. She giggled and took another generous swallow of her drink.
Deranged predicted UCRAP will hold
the balance of power following the next general election after his party gained
its first elected defector and liar. The UCRAP leader said in a blaring voice
with his head nodding continuously that his party had momentum after Douglas
Carsmell won the Clackers by-election by 12,404 votes and many more.
In Friday's other by-election result,
Tory-Labour held on to Heathery and Middlebrow. UCRAP slashed the faces of those
who voted against them. David Cameron said voting UCRAP helped the Tories to
secretly remain in power, while Ed Millipede pledged no "complacent opposition"
from his in-all- but name Tory party. After Mr Carsmell overturned a 12,068
Conservative majority in the Essex seat to push his old party into second place,
Mr Deranged said, "Something not duplicitous was happening in British politics.”
He then nodded fifteen times and looked at his party members with contempt who
were swilling Bitter.Nancy finished off her pint, lifted up her skirt to show
off her black suspenders and stockings and ordered a jug of gin & tonic. She
then asked Nigel if he were married. Deranged laughed thunderingly and said, “We
will not dupe the public into believing that UCRAP is a serious alternative to
the Tory or Labour parties, but continue to speak somewhat honestly about his
parties mission to keep the status quo in place for another four years.”
Nancy cheered to that and pushed her
body up against Nigel. With a look of disgust Deranged ran for the door. Nancy
shrugged her shoulders and made for a camera man. They were seen to slip out of
the back door with the rest of the camera crew.
A HUMPBACK AND HOOK NOSED
WOMAN STOLE COSMETICS.
A man who back has a
large hump and a woman who has a nose so hooked she can open cans with it,
raided Boots in Basildon Town Square during their lunch hour from Boots and stole African cosmetics from
a shelf in Boots without telling their employer.
With them was a fat
man, known locally as 'Fatso', and two toothless bandits, known locally as
Gumdrops and Plaque. All five rushed into the shop shouting 'Get down on the
floor!'. One customer got down on the floor with no assistance from an assistant
who was serving Colgate toothpaste to a woman had a poultice over her nose. No
other customer got down, but stood like frozen Platypuses in the headlights of
an African trembling tractor.
They five booted the
customer who had got down and called him a 'UKIP Basildonian.'. Then they
smashed a bottle of Teeth Whitening on an innocent man's head as he was
inspecting pink eye liner and rosy red lipstick. As he fell to the floor he was
heard to say, 'This never happened to Lily Savage.'
Philip Blunder (64), the security guard, made a heroic dash for
the back door, but was tripped up by Plaque with one of his long legs. Blunder
called out for his back up Kitchen Spoon (68) who by then had gone. A brave
customer tackled Plaque only to twist his own legs backwards and collapse onto a
sun glasses counter. He put on a pair and pretended not to be there.
The five took various
items out of an empty shelf and ran to the front entrance. They escaped with a
African knot hair brush and an advertisement board for “Suck: Brown Stain
Removal.'
The police are looking
for a pair of black trousers and a man with a dyed pony tail who was wearing
five inch eye lashes. Also a black skinny woman of no known address. She had a
tooth missing at the front of her cavernous mouth.
The final suspect was
a white coloured man aged in his flared trousers and wide tie with a five inch
knot and known locally as '70's Fred.
If you have not seen
these criminals, go home and lock your bathroom cabinet. If you have go to
Basildon Police Station now to report the crime, wear hob nailed boots.
These are not the gang. They just look like they should be
arrested.
BASILDON COUNCIL VOTES TO
BOMB WICKFORD ISIS.
At an
extraordinary meeting of Basildon council today, Bingo Ball, top Tory,
called for Basildon air force, a kite, to bomb ISIS terrorists hiding in a Pound
Shop. After a seven hour debate, councillors voted with arms up backs to bomb
Orange pips at Wickford.
All Tories; Lib Dems; and local Arabs
backed the air strikes, although some Councillors expressed concerns that it
might lead to Bows & Arrows on the ground. And the war might continue for a
million years followed by an ice age in the Antarctic.
Basildoneye's political editor, Lips Dribbling,
asked if any pubs in Wickford would be hit, as he has an interest in several
barmaids.
“A long campaign, perhaps as long as a
queue in Primarks on a Saturday, might lay ahead for
cheap black panties. Not that ! am interested in
panties, nor smelling them, but only that I am worried
children might get run over by Mobility Scooters.”, said
Dribbling.
Bingo Ball went on to say, “ISIS is a
brutal organization; almost as bloodthirsty as UKIP. I
want to stop the 'slaughter of ear holes' when UKIP
councillor and extreme opportunist Fagin Narrowyard
intervenes in my speech. I give way to psychopath
Narrowyard.”
“I have just received intelligence from
the library that Billiricay know-it-alls intend to
demonstrate against the war outside Costa café in the
high street at Christmas. This will destroy our plans to
obliterate British Muslims who wear black see-through
glasses.”,
“UKIP welcomes Muslims into the fold
providing they do not believe in sexual intercourse with
under-age virgins in Heaven. That is against UK law.
Also, that their beheadings are restricted to Basildon
Market.”
Bingo Ball interrupted, saying that the
Tory parties priority would be to stop the "slaughter of
fat women pushing prams" in Basildon square at midday.
We and our Long Riding allies would continue to be
guided by a Basildon A-Z 1970 map. Our TV satellites can
gather intelligence on all Freeview targets.
Some Labour councillors voted against
Kite air strikes as did one scarecrow and six
ventriloquists all talking at once.
Mayor Moo Larkingship said that the
intervention was at the request of many Moon On The
Square customers and was "morally justified" because
they said so. Also, Mavis Bagwash said that the Vange &
Pitsea Working Mans Club was a "brutal terrorist
organisation" that would let no one in if they could not
get past the hideous doorman without being sick.
She won support from Labour leader
Basher Edwards who said something incomprehensible to a
chair. The Mayor went on to say, “Inaction would lead to
more inaction and that would lead to doing nothing.
Large swathes of my farm are controlled by Islington
State, who have been burrowing tunnels to Gaza-on-Sea.”
Shadow education councillor Rushanara
Meatloaf remained in the shadows in order not to be seen
as he shat his pants.
Adrenal Hanky has been sacked for exploding
a large fart in a moment of silence.
MURDER IN YOUR HOMES!
This could be the headlines now, if not sooner, if
we do not act immediately later on. We have to take military measures if babies
are not eaten alive by the barbaric Jewjams.
There is no need for you to know who
the Jewjams are, just believe us when we say they are a big family. Bigger than
a gypsy one. And they live in caves in Wickford. That is all we can tell you
except they eat worms.
Top Tory councillor Bonzo Ball, has set out a series
of measures to protect Britain from the thousands of European
citizens who have travelled to Dublin and Glasgow and want to “wreak
havoc on Basildon”.
However, there were fears on Monday that the plans
could unravel after Mayor Moo Larkingship said she simply had
nothing to wear for the bombings. She walked off in a huff.
Bonzo looked at her as if looking through her clothes. Bonzo
said he would ban Balsidon citizens from returning to Britain if they have
travelled to Billericay or Wickford to drink in there pubs, which are all JewJam
supportists.
In his statement, Cllr. Bonzo announced plans to give the police
powers to temporarily seize passports at the border of Dartford Bridge if people
are still laughing at him.
He also said the Council will push through laws to either force
terrorist suspects to relocate from their home town in Basildon or create
“exclusion zones” where they are not allowed to travel from here to there
without informing their neighbours where they are getting their bomb making
equipment, like clouds, screws and fridges.
People returning from Southend-on-Sea and will also undergo a
compulsory “deradicalisation programme” of giving back their 'Kiss-me-Quick'
hats.
The statement came as Basildon forces drove around and around
Long Riding and Church Street roundabout 300 times looking for terrorists. They
finally stopped a car for not having large dice hanging from their rear view
mirror.
Two RAF C-130 Hercules planes landed in Irbil, the capital of
the Kurdish region of Iraq, to deliver the ammunition and hundreds of sets of
body armour, helmets and sleeping bags said a slippery American man who always
tells the truth.
The Tory leader also said motorbikes will be prevented from
driving in Basildon unless they release details of all passengers on any
aeroplane flying above them.
“Tolerance must never be confused with the punching in the face
of people from different cultures living separate lives or people behaving in
ways that run counter to our alcohol using values.”
“Adhering to Basildon values is not an option or a choice. It is
a duty for all those who live in this Allah worshipping town. Excuse me – what?
Oh, I see. God worshipping town. We will stand up at the bar for our values. We
will in the end defeat these extremist closing times”
Less than an hour after Cllr. Bonzo and the Mayor left The Owl &
Pussycat a banger went off. Both demanded the street lights were turned on
because they could not find their condoms. Both woke the next morning with
Gaddafi sized hangovers
Later, at the NATO summit, attended by Willy Wonka; The Prime
Minster, Mr. David Cameron, who could not come; a George W. Bush impersonator; a
man dressed as Bugs Bunny; and a youth attending to represent youth. Cllr. Bonzo,
using a loud speaker, said,
“We have all been shocked and sickened by the barbarism we have
witnessed in The Moon on the Square this summer. Initiated by the shocking
pictures of war in the Somme we have been subjected to by Gateway FM. So, in
keeping with our finest traditions of due process and upholding the rule of
law', I have ordered the arrest of all now held in the cells of Basildon Police
Station. We are facing a facing a terrorist monster”, he said looking at the
Mayor.
“An Independent poll showed that 50 per cent of people of
Basildon voted not to launch air strikes compared with 50 per cent who think we
should. Therefore, with much thought over the last three minutes I have decided
that we do nothing. Only by doing nothing are we doing something to stop
terrorism in its tracks.”
POP SINGER DENIES ACCUSATIONS OF
COLLECTING PHOTOS OF UNDERAGE PENSIONERS
Pop legend
Cliff Ridged has totally denied downloading filthy pictures of underage
pensioners on his Kodak Brownie camera.
Ridged is well known for his million
selling pop songs, including, “I AM A CHRISTIAN BUMBOY.”; “I LOVE MY LODGER.”;
and, “CHRISTMAS IS A TIME FOR GIVING IT UP THE BUM.” The ageless performer has
been giving it to charity workers and Postmen for decades.
Six hundred policemen raided the
clean living rock stars six thousand acre living room in search for non-existent
black and white photos of brown Crocodiles allegedly stolen from wild life
presenter David Atombomb, brother of Nancyboy film actor and director Richard
Gandhi.
All the policemen in the 3am raid
asked Cliff for his autograph as he was handcuffed to his bed railings and
shitting on Freddie Starbucks face. Freddie ate a hamster while Sun
photographers took action snaps of Adam Filth, star of the TV show 'Parrot', who
was sitting in a chair with his legs in the air using Preparation H to block his
anus.
One thoughtful policeman used his
helmet to cover a dildo that was strapped to a life sized dummy of Rolf
Harrison, known for his hit record of “Two Little Boys Had Two Little Cocks.”.
Later at a BBC press conference Cliff
Ridged spoke sincerely whilst holding an onion under his bulging eyeballs and
said, “I have been a Christian all my life since before a baby, and have always
obeyed the words of holy Jesus, except when he said, 'Give away all your
money.”. But when he spoakth, 'Turn this water into wine; this fish into
fishfingers; and turn this bread into Euros.'. I have done so as to me he
reportedly said by my showbiz friends. I have not actually read the New
Testament because as you know I have been too busy spreading the news to
pensioners. But not to under age pensioners as I have been accused. I will carry
on singing to old people, who are the only ones that remember me. And to end,
God Bless the Royal Family who it has been my privilege to join in.”
Cliff then introduced his new female
friend, Chelsea Bridge. They both declared their enduring two week love for each
other and said they planned to get married at a silent ceremony were only a few
close friends are invited, included Liza Garland; Ross Mouth; and Madam Jo Jim.
The homosexual George Cocky was to be invited, but Cliff said, he no longer
craved to bow to that sort. And, certainly no perverts were invited through the
front door.
Let us all celebrate that Cliff is no
longer listed on the police investigation Operation Pearthree.
All underage pensioners can now rest
in pieces on their electric commodes.
Let us all listen now to Cliff's new
song, “Rock Around Bumstead.”
WE WILL NOT STOP MEALS ON
WHEELS FOR PENSIONERS SAYS UKIP LIAR.
+
"The subsidy for Cold Meals On Square Wheels will
not be axed.”, said Cllr. Kerry McBerry, well known liar and admirer of Hitler.
“The Tory council chopped hot meals
for decaying members of the George Hurd Centre last year and now it wants to
cleave cold meals. Pensioners have had to suck on frozen food for too long. I
suggest we have a meeting in Katz laptop club to sort out this sticky mess."
Top Tory Roger Bouncy-Ball said in
retaliation,
“I am disgusted by the suggestion.
The council is fast running out of money and we have to cut back. We have looked
at all other alternatives, including – Free trips to Japan; Private health
packages for all Conservative councillors; and Taking home silver dinner
cutlery. All these services are essential if we are to have happy councillors
and not miserable fat ones. The £285, 519 for pressed trousers is indispensable
if we are to have smart Tory councillors and not scruffy ones like the Labour
Party. And the quango, 'Support For Councillors Who Never Went To War' costs
only £494, 678. A small price to pay for the heroic courage of conscientious
objectors who ran away. Without these bold men we would have no one in the
Conservative Party. That alone is reason enough to stop old people from
glutinous eating. A strict diet of wet chips and lumpy custard makes for a
longer life. We care about local old people so much we advise them to stay at
home. Happy isolation is better than being mugged by dangerous permanent tanned
youths.”
In response UKIP crawler, Cllr. Kerry
McBarry said, “I agree. Even though my conscientious conscience tells me to
disagree. But we must look at the wider 3D situation as seen on a Smart TV. A
wide 45” screen is better than a 14” one. I look to Hitler's thousand year plan
for inspiration. If he had won we all would live in a better world of double
thought and obsequiousness. Pensioners must not be so selfish and put themselves
above greed. £5 a month is sufficient to lead a well balanced lonely life, in
which they will have time to dwell upon their extraordinary luck day after day
in their single life of smelly underwear. They can always become travellers in
an abandoned circus.”
Roger put his arm around Kerry and
both walked off to the Moon On the Square to celebrate their newly formed
coalition.
They were quickly joined by the staff
of The Echo newspaper who sang, 'For They Are Jolly Good Fellows!' and briskly
tucked in to the free buffet like a swarm of ravenous midgets. And with their
mouths full fell onto the bar demanding free booze. Each of them was served as
quickly as possible by the bar men and gals who took only 20 minutes to serve
each round. A record for the Moon's staff.
A cheer went up when a UKIP
councillor was attacked by a voter. Another louder yell resounded when a Tory
councillors testicles were grabbed a pulled sideways by another enraged voter.
The Echo staff were manhandled to the doors and shoved into the street.
Basildoneye does not condone
violence, but does support voters self expression. That is why we are
uncontrollably laughing along with several pensioners who defied their
unofficial curfew.
Let pensioner Mazie Brown have the
last word,
“Ukip was taken up by rich Tories to
undermine the working class vote. Another case of divide and conquer. Anyway
they are all cunts.”
WHY
DOES ISRAEL WANT TO 'BOMB' GAZZA?
By sports reporter Lips Dribbling.
Paul Gascoigne is one of England's top drunk Footballers, following in
the glorious dribbling of George Best. Paul is affectionately called, 'Gazza'.
Many people like him, except his former wives, so why does Israel what
to bomb the dear fool?
By 'bombing'
I take that to mean 'bombing' with e-mails and Twitter comments. What
has the Jewish State got against this lad from Newcastle? He may have
stuck his tongue up a few girls bums, but we all have done that, haven't
we. Why are Jews so upset about it?
Perhaps it is
because Gazza has more money than the average Jew. And he eats Ham. He
has been called a Hamas, which is a nickname for someone who eats a lot
of ham, or acts in a hammy way. Gazza is a Hamas in both Italian senses
of the noun.
I am informed
that the e-mail 'bombing' has been going on for 10 days now. And who is
Binman Niyoutube? He seems to be the one responsible for the e-mail
strikes. Binman has warned that his military were ready for a
"significant expansion" of the ground operation he has ordered to
destroy Hamas tunnels dug under the border. Military? He must mean a
military band, the same one that played when Gazza scored a spectacular
goal against Scotland and the same one that played, “We'll Be Seeing
You.” when he got the bullet as manager for Kettering Town in 2005.
A lot of
people have been getting the bullet lately according to Binman Niyoutube.
He said, “We will continue the firing.”
So who will
lose their job now. Could it be Rolf Harris, who only collects stamps.
I can testify
that Paul is not an alcoholic. When he made the £3.4 million move to
Middlesbrough, he invited me out with Danny Baker to have a few pints in
the now destroyed 'Tuxido' ship anchored on the dock of The Tyne. We
three sang, 'Sitting On The Dock Of The Tyne.” to all the blonde ladies
who where there pouncing of us. One of them was a girl of Jewish
persuasions. She showed us her circumscribe clitt. Paul sobered up
before we did.
I say -
“Leave Gazza alone, as so many other people are saying, and pick on
someone your own size Israel. Otherwise we will never deposit our money
in a Jewish bank again.”
But to show
our willingness to stop this bombing, we three are prepared to be DJ's
at the Paleist Indian Disco on Tele next evening when we get the chance.
BASILDON TO HOST ESSEX SPACE BASE
Basildon Council has announced that our town will host a Space Base. Rocket blasts will be confined to Wickford.
The council has asked all residents to think of imaginative and relevant ideas, then put them in a draw somewhere and forget about them. A £1000 prize will be given to the first person who forgets. Proof will be required.
The council wants to establish the Basildon spaceport by 2001 to identify with the Sci-fi movie. All calenders will have to be put back. It will the first spacebase of its kind outside Las Vegas.
Three aerodromes have been short-listed: Southend Airport; St Martin;s Square; and Fred 'Arrowhead' Jetbonkers back garden.
The Council said only independence would lead to a greater development of the country's space industry, with a Government subsidy of one billion.
The spaceport will be a facility to enable Kite And Balloon launches, but hopefully it would also become a centre for the new tourism initiatives that will bring in lots of tourists from Billericay and the Galactic Core. The extraterrestrials will not be treated as immigrants, but residents like us with three heads.
William Shatner who plays Captain Kirk said, “This is a wonderful idea. Basildon Councillors are great.”, if he had been asked.
A key to the project will be an opening up of the final frontier of commercial space travel. Tickets for the first fight into the Sockophere are on sale now. But be warned ticket touts will try to sell you forged tickets which can be bought over the counter of The Moon on the Square public house between slightly pissed and reeling.
Basildon has a proud association with space exploration. Many residents have followed TV series like 'Blakes 7; 'Thunderbirds' and 'The Glangers'. We celebrated Neil Armstrong's Essex ancestry when he became the first man on the Moon and only last week an amazing Basildon company was responsible for building the first satellite to go around the Bell Tower three times.
Bud Lightpants (47) the astronaut who manned the satellite, remembers the fight:
“Yes, I remember donning my spacesuit that I had bought in Primarks and breathing in the strange mixture of Fosters and Carlsberg. It was the kind of gas I needed to face the fight and return the craft safely to earth. It is true that I crashed, but I was skilled enough to aim for a wedding party coming out of St Martin's Church. Several people were lucky enough to be killed, but the satellite was saved intact. I am very proud of that.”
"The Basildon space industry is one of our great success stories and I am sure there will be a role for Bogner Regis to play in the future.", said Tory mayor Miss Moo Larkingship as she dropped her mobile phone into her third bucket of gin&tonic.
The latest data indicates that the prospective spacebase will generate more than £30 for the economy every year, and will employ 10 people who will be worked to death under there No Contract non agreement. There will be an increase of almost 9% alcohol in every pint of the new beer - Space Blast!; which is on sale Now, Now, Now! at favoured public houses in the area. So, get drinking and blast yourselves into orbit around the Sockophere!
IS BASILDON COUNCIL ON DRUGS?
Basildoneye asks the Essex shaking question – Are Basildon council on drugs?
There have been so many ridiculous decisions made by Basildon Council lately, we pose the question are they on drugs?
Are they growing Marijuana in the boiler room? Infra-red camera's have exposed that that room is emanating high degrees of heat. Could it be that Marijuana plants are growing there? If not why is the room so hot?
The residents of Felmores Estate are growing suspicious. Last night two of them said, “What is going on? WE want to know and what to know now!”, with that they pulled out two Spilffs and lit them up with a passing stranger's lighter. The passing stranger wobbled off.
Top Tory councillor Bobby Ballcock, (37, he says) has been talking gibberish. Is this the result of cocaine addiction? He was seen sniffing a rose last week. Sniffing is a behavioural condition of cocaine additics.
Examples of his gibberish is, “I believe UKip is the party for working people”. Another: “Dale Farm is Dead.” and “I am not a fat Know-it-Groveller.”
Several councillors have been seen sleeping while an important debate about the welfare of Basildon people has been in session. Sleeping is a common result of Marijuana smoking. Others have had dazed looks in their eyes. Dazed looks can be seen in the eyes of cocaine nose sniffers. Cocaine rots the nose. Many councillors have rotten noses. Drug takers often drop things. Every single councillor has dropped something.
They banned hot meals for pensioners at three centres, yet continued to scoff free meals at the Basildon Centre at the expense of local tax payers. Acting immorally is a result of taking drugs. The Mayor herself, Moo Larkingship, forgot to turn off her mobile phone at the “Worship the Military March.” celebrations. She also had an illicit sex affair with a well know puppet, 'Old Man Cocker Spaniel.' Illicit doings often are the result of heroine sticking.
Davio Sinatra, (57) a well known councillor and respected political flipper has also been seen chewing his microphone whilst singing 'Strangers In The Evening.' with his group, 'The Mouse Traps.'. Davio is a personal friend of Basildoneye, and has donated a large amount of DVD's to Basildoneye, but we cannot and will not ever show favouritism to anyone, who has not donated £1,000 to our charity, The Hickey Halibert Foundation For 18 Year Old Slags.'
Have you seen the swinging doors at the Basildon Centre? We believe this is a physical metaphor, secretly meaning “Swing.”
We can not provide better proof than that building is being used as a private club. Private for what? Why isn't the public invited into the toilets? Is it because councillors are in the cubicles phoning their drug dealers? Listen to this secret recording of what happens in those notorious toilets.
“Plop.” and “Heehaw!” and “The toilet roll has run out.” As we all know toilet rolls are used to roll up Spliffs, if newspapers are not handy.
Baisldoneye leaves the great Basildon public to decide.
BASILDON vs WIMBLEDON AT TENNIS
Here is the line-up of top Basildon and Wimbledon players
Mikhail Kukushkin v Fred Kite on Centre Court 13.00
Serena Williams v Mavis Bagwash on Court One.
Maria Sharapova and Roger Federer v Linda Tart and Buster Boxer on the rough turf.
The atletic Dracula Robust (22) of Basildon strides on to the court follwed by Stinky Shitpit (83) of the Laindon Centre mincing in an effete manner.
The boiling sun pours down like rain and sizzles on the heads and hats of the crowd as they fall into an unexpectant sleep.
The rivals face each other. Shitpit is the first to serve. Thwack! The net vibrates as the ball jets over it. Tart pulls up her panties which have fallen below her ankles and hit’s the tennis ball and it blurs past the face of Maths Arthmatic umpire and all round entertainer with the Black & White Minstrals. A ball boy jumps over the net and retrieves the ball and throws it back across the net. Robust with a double handed backhander hit’s the ball with an impact that causes the crowd to grasp their strawberries.
He twists on his toes like a ballerina and knocks the missile back with his enormus nose.
Fowl!
In slow motion Shitpit steps backwards into a pile of dog manure and a deep roar from the crowd vibrates the Hot Dog stand.
Thump! Dracula hit’s the ground. His adversary leaps over the net and peels a grape.
The team of Blue Cross Paramedics rush on the court with five streachers and a large bottle of Morphine and pours it down Dracula's next exposing two red holes. They cover up the holes with a elasitic bandage that they wrap around his entre body. Robust is pulled to his feet by ropes and prop up against the Hot Dog stand. A warm breeze flutters over the crowd and they settle back into their seats. The game is back on!
Shitpit serves delivering the ball at break point speed. Robust’s twists on his heels and with his racket proturding from his bandaged armpit he ricochets the small sphere into the face of Royal personage Priness Anne Glouscester-Parks. Her face turns blue and her thin kitting needle legs collapse. The ball has disappeared up her royal blue dress and she does an African monkey dance.
Shitpit chats up a Ball girl and offers her a Jimmy Savile invitation to Top of the Pops. He pulls her tightly to him and smiles exposing green teeth.
Dracula Robust hops towards the now sexually engaged couple and mumbles the umpire expells Robust. The umpire looks across the court at his colleague seeking advice. His colleague waves a red card and shouts “Barley Water!” A jug of the refreshing chordal is thrown of Shitpit and he recovers from his Savile moment. Again the contestants face each other. The opponents now bitter rivals.
The ball flashes over the net again and again, so fast the heads of the crowd blur like a horror film special effect. The ball is in constant play for the next three weeks. Many of the crowd get migraineand are give tea and an assortment of cream buns.
One more set to go and both adversaries need one point to win the match.
Tension permeates the hot air and the crowd rises to its feet in expectation. Who will win? Who?
Robust rockets the ball at Shitpit and he finishes with a massive stroke
The medics rush on, throw a streacher at Shitpit and dawdle off with contemptous smirks saddelled on their faces. Loud guffawing comes from the BBC bar.
Applause comes from court one as rivals Serena Williams and Mavis Bagwash walk on. Serena is wonderfully dressed in a white womans tennis outfit. Mavis in a white Mini-Skirt, white six inch high heels and a gold Maddona Cone Bra.
Williams serves. The ball flashes over the net, hits a cone and rebounds into Serena's sisters open mouth as she is about to lick an ice cream. She spits out the ball and Mavis fails to reach it. 1-0. Bagwash throws a wobbler and accuses Williams of being an Uncle Ben. Denzal Washington, the movie star, flashes a smile and both players masterbate to the tune of “Papa Don't Preach.”
Denzal whips out his enormous black python and all the women scream. Bananarama jump up and sing, “It's A Cruel Summer.” He tosses the ball back and the match is on again.
The ball goes back and forth in the heat until it looks like a burnt faggot. Rackets at the ready both players take one last swipe. The game is called a tie and both women walk off arm in arm with Washington.
Fred Kite calls a strike and everyone goes home to watch the themselves on television.
SHOCK ROMANCE BETWEEN BASILDONS ROYAL COUPLE THE GOSOUCESTER-PARKS.
Prince Avouch and Princess Pheasant have shocked the whole town by announcing they are in love and want to marry. Can brother and sister marry without causing a diabolical debate between Royal Mother and Henry Big Nose, a Jewish Israelite?
Incest is taboo. It sparks off hatred between tribes of camel riders and oasis fig eaters. A war could erupt on the escalators in Eastgate shopping mall. Bert Figgis, (63) said his job is hard enough oiling underneath the fast moving escalators.
Such a forbidden romance could turn the town into a haven for perverts. “Sexual intercourse is a cock-up.”, exclaimed Bert as he put his finger in screw hole. He was taken to hospital with his finger hanging off. The ambulance driver said he did not see the articulated lorry coming towards him from a mile off. The crash caused multiple injuries to the bus queue. The lorry was caring woollenware and the traffic was jumper to jumper.
Prince Avouch called for a press conference. “I fell in love with Princess Pheasant when she climbed into bed with me and gave me a hard time.” He bought all the reporters jugs of Fosters Heavy and their headlines read, 'Royal Couple Are At It.” A headline the King pored over in the bath whilst scrubbing his crown. The Queen of Gloucester Park was takenaback by all the squealing when the King pulled out the plug.
Basildoneye asked the man in the street what he thought about the scandal.
“Well ye know, it is a scandal, no doubt about that.”, said Patrick O' Earful,”I never heard about it until ye told me. What are we to make of it? My Mammy would say she is a whore and he is a bogman.”
Mrs. Faceache commented, “It sounds to me that a lot has been going on. These goings on have been going on in Royal families for years, but we common folk carry on not knowing what we should know but don't.”
Harmonica player Black Joe White hit the note when he put the whole thing to music:
“Har been in the backwoods;
Har been picken' cottton;
But har know the goods;
He is a finger licken rotten Cowboy!
Our top royal reporter Nancy Nicecake broke into a jig, spat into a jamjar, and sang:
“Mr old canary flew away, flew away,
An' never came back that day, that day,
If they love each other in that way,
We know they aren't bloody gay.”
We are convinced that the Royal couples offspring albeit the result of an incestuous union will be a perfectly normal baby.
+
LUNCES ROAD OFF FOOTBALL PITCH TEAM ARE GO FOR WORLD CUP 2014.
By Lips Dribbing, football reporter.
Just before Luncies Road players walk out to stand alongside Wickford Own Goal team in the tunnel deep inside the Arena Basildon on Saturday night, after a final address from manager Roy Hodgcock, they will have egg & chips. Luncies Road can only play undercover in shops and Wickford have only scored own goals.
The time for waiting is over. Weeks of preparation stretching from Pitsea to Laindon will have been concluded. The miles will be on the clock and drug rehabilitation complete.
Hodgcock and his players will have reached that special place deep in the heart of Wilkinson's Supermarket that has been their target since 6 December 1951 when the World Cup draw handed them a match with a German team who played backwards.
It has all been leading to this. Team captains Ball and String will deliver a brief address before Lunces Road take on Wickford in the DIY section.
Ball, 34 and playing in his third World Cup after missing a bus, is not a man for Churchillian oratory. The message will be a short and simple one and it will be this:
"Having come this far, both by bus and cab, we must not return to that dressing room two hours later wondering what happened, I will probably say something in the dressing room. Not just to myself, but to the Pink Elephants hiding in there. There will be lots of verbal exchanges, but towards the end, when we are ready to go out, it will be 'Which way to the DIY aisle?'.
"All preparation has been done. We have all the coke, wiz and ecstasy we need for energy, we have muscles in our legs, and there are plenty of beers in the tank. Let's relax and let it happen. The key is not to come off the aisle/pitch with any paint or wallpaper tucked down our shorts. Do what it takes to get that result."
For Hodgcock, the great pugilist in charge of the exciting Essex blend of hoodies and piss-heads, this will be the greatest test of his career. A long, nomadic journey through Soho clubs will not be defined by these games but they will go a long way to get him woman, whether they are fat or not.
Hodgcock's reputation for taking bribes has ensured no player will receive payment for their feeble attempt to score a goal. Here in Basildon thousands will be watching the World Cup in Brazil and a few stray customers in the shop will ignoring our match.
Training and preparation, including games against Billericay Only On Railway Stations and Benfleet In Living Rooms will have focused on every possibility but this one here, in conditions that will test even the fittest, and will have captured Hodgcock's love of bribes
Hodgcock's relaxed demeanour has survived the build-up almost intact, hackles only raised by the questioning of Wayne Rooneyo's Lap Top Bars current status and the unarmed combat utilised by the Southend-on-Sea team that had him watching much of the game through his fingers.
He has experienced a World Cup before, with Switzerland when he hid there during World War 2.
He said: "If it doesn't go well for us, it's not for any other reason than we did not win."
The Essex media gathered in Basildon on Friday to hear his final news conference. Before it he said: "There is tension within and without, it would not be worthwhile if there wasn't tension. I have bit my lips off."
Both teams are tense as they arrange themselves at either end of the DIY aisle. The whistle blows and the game is off!
Benson kicks the ball and gets a round of applause. Stalls rushes down the aisle slips and slams into a pile of paint cans. One can bursts open and Stalls is covered in White emulsion. Benson regains the ball and with enormous speed dribbles it up the aisle. Cracker, the Wickford goal keeper shouts, "4 2 6 boys, 4 2 6!" No one knows what he is taking about.
Benson passes to Clarke, Clarke passes to Johnson who is inspecting paint brushes. Willy Whitshire takes the ball and slams it into a customers face. The medical team rush in and lift the pensioner onto a stretcher. A penalty is given by Indian referee Punjab Harki. Clay Frog take the penalty for Luncies Road. He places the ball on a packet on nails and shoots! Cracker misses the ball by not looking at it. Goal!
The score is 0-1.
Baker kicks the ball to Cake who swerves past Chisels and Screws and places it into Herppers groin. Bent double Herppers kicks the ball to Blance who heads it to Blank who smashes it past Luncies goal keeper Mote.
1-1 and half time.
All the players go to the Beehive for a refreshing beer. They don't come back.
And so ends this years Basildon World Cup with a draw on all sides.
The manager of Wilkenson's gets the sack after most of the products in the DIY section have mysteriously vanished.
DRUNK DAY ANNIVERSARY FOR VETERANS OF BASILDON
By Lips Dribbling, wog reporter. (Sorry - war reporter)
Basildon veterans group will never again stagger in their hundreds through the rows of empty beer bottles of Gloucester Park inebriates cemetery.
Many leaned heavily on sticks. Others were helped by younger piss-heads providing an obliging arm to lean on. But many more swerved unaided behind the veterans' standards to loud applause and filthy language.
"Proud" was how Peter O' Boozal, 91, from Long Riding, one of around 100 to lurch, described the final farewell to the boarded-up Towngate pub on the market front: "Reeling was very emotional".
O' Boozal drove into the pub in a white van on D-day. "It brings it back (sniff) so many lost memories. It's part of your history, it's tattooed on your arm,
"It's great to be back here. It felt like it did when we were young ravers. And to see all the ones who tore up the window box flowers 30 years ago. I'm not doing much tearing up today, though," he added; "It is my arthritis you see, it goes all the way up..." He was left to blabber on.
Hundreds more veterans sat in the crowd beside Gloucester Park building site, one of the sites on which houses are being built for Poland. As the vets stood to bent attention in front of the Duke and Duchess of Gloucester Park. Prince Vilhem said, "I am glad to be opening this new Tesco's."
It was a day of flypasts by kites, and Two-Tone music, and pipe bands and loud renditions of Land of Hope of Glory and We'll Meet Again as the commemorations came to an emotional punch-up.
This was it, the final time. Basildon veterans would never again walk in their hundreds over stained carpets and collapsed inebriates. Never again would they encircle en masse the Cross of Courage Beer, their kebabs dipped in black sauce.
Those who could, stood with pride under a fierce sun. They may be more stooped of shoulder than their younger selves. But they are no less resolute to sing on buses. Others paid their respects from the windows of public houses, their grotesque faces flopped with many years drinking with bits of onion hanging from their chests.
A deafening drive-by – two Cortina's, a mini, a Lambretta scooter – brought gasps and announced the arrival of a Princesses Margret lookalike. At 42-24-38, she is an old slag this generation remembers and they connect with her. Some had to be pulled off.
The Basildon dictator Bobby Bouncy Ball, was among the area leaders invited, as was the never elected Mayor Moo Larkinship. Both stood with great attention to their mobiles. But the warmest welcome was given to a loaded Fosters lorry, which was greeted with loud cheers.And now as the sun sets and the day is over one can hear the muted sounds of Karaoke as the young men and women of our fair town carry on the tradition so many have died for.
BASILDON SAY NO TO ATOMIC WAR
I
n an historic vote Basildon councillors voted not to take part or cause an Atomic War.
"It is far too dangerous." said top councillor Ball, "We cannot risk the lives of local people, nor the clean up of ash afterwards. An atomic blast could cause traffic lights to fail resulting in death. If an Atomic war starts we will put up road signs. Some will say 'Not Here' and others 'Back Up!'. Letters have been sent to every Basildon household warning people not to wash their curtains. We all know that Atomic dust collects on curtains and we must avoid that and many more things.
"And the time to do something is Now! If we wait the past will catch up with us and overrun the future resulting in future whiplash. We have all seen what happens when an Atomic bomb explodes. A blinding light flashes across the sky going mostly everywhere. This is quickly followed by a loud bang. Then the shockwave hits bringing lots of washing. 100 years later you die watching Coronation Street.
"We have sent up a weather balloon. It will float about in the Stratosphere sending signals to the Biosphere which will relay messages to the Cockosphere. Fishermen will be told to go home. A joint letter has been sent to Downing Street stating our position to the Prime Minster. He, no doubt, will be shocked and bramstocken, but we cannot allow him to drag us into an Atomic War without some sort of compensation. At least a new garden fence each.
Do not leave your children alone they may press an atomic button unconsciously and set of a chain of events likely to reach Brentwood. Women should wear lead lined panties and men wear them afterwards. If you are afraid, go to St Martins Church where the Rev will scare you with her face.
"To end, I know, we know, that now is not the time to hesitate, so let us wait and think about it for a while before we do anything rash. But, we must do it Now! When the warm weather comes. Let us all go home to our beds comforted by the certain knowledge that we can only guess what will happen."
SPORTS BRIEF RELIEF
Welcome to the show! I am Gary Crisp champion crap food seller and this is my co-host David Whamyams arsehole obsessor. And at home - you the mentally retarded. Without further ado let's bring on our first act The Rock Breakers!"Wild hysterical cheers from the audience who have never heard of The Rock Breakers.
A black family walk on and empty sacks of rocks on the floor. They sit down and hit the rocks with hammers. Each time they break a rock the audience gos wild.
"This is the Obagoobi family who break rocks for charity. We can see them lifting their hammers and hitting the rocks. Yes! There goes little Onni hitting a rock. It did not break, but better luck next time is what I say. The Obagoobi family are concerned about celebrities who do all kinds of things without knowing why. Do they suffer from Clausal Blindness? And here is Divina NoRecall who has just recovered from a gruelling fives days of climbing mountains; swimming rivers and cycling miles in rain to raise money for something without question. Divina what do you say to the Obagoobi's?
"I cannot thank them enough. I have spent most of my life doing things without knowing why. Last year I climbed Mount Everest in the nude for the poor children of Bongo Land without asking the President why his subjects are so poor."
"Thank you Divina. And as the Obagoobi family crawl off the stage to the many shouts of 'More!', we welcome The Rubbish Pickers."
A lorry rolls on stage and tips a huge pile of rubbish. A group of thin children start to pick through the mess.
"Just look how quick they are at picking through the empty cans; rags and discarded food. A cry of delight has cracked the air! What has happened? Oh yes, one of the children has stepped on a nail and it has gone through his foot. The audience have gone into a frenzy of excitement! Another child has sliced off two fingers picking up a razor blade. Let me bring on Lord Code. You visit many of the countries that have been chosen to get Sports Relief cash. Indeed, you are personal friends with some of the leaders, can you tell us why it is that each year millions of pounds are given, yet people remain poor? Oh dear I have made a blunder. I am so sorry, I have broken the cardinal rule; the prime directive - never ask awkward questions. And certainly never mix politics with charity. I am so sorry. Lord Code let me lick your shoes."
David Whamyams minces on and quickly ushers off Crisp. Lord Code is given £20,000 for balancing a pea on his nose for longer than John Fishshop. A series of inept sketches follow starring has-beens; never-beens and beans instead of brains celebrates who all love the Royal Family.
Fifty one million pounds is raised to cover the cost of flying pop stars to African countries they have never heard of so they can visit hospitals and cry in front of cameras and take selfies.
BASILDON BUMBOY INFILTRATES SOCHI GAMES
Dainty Dent (45) a well known Basildon bumboy has, inveigled the Winter Olympics. Known for standing at the same urinal for hours peering at gentlemen's members Dent was arrested for unlawfully joining in the Mens Moguling.Dent once drilled a hole through a partition in a Gentleman's Toilet cubical. His clear intention was to spy on the private doings of fellow defecators, but he had mistakenly drilled through to the next door Sex Cinema. He claims to have watched more people watching sex films than anyone else.
Associates have reported that Dent was especially looking forward to the Mens Curling, where he could bend low and throw his lot as far as he could. The Mens Luge Doubles was another sport he was determined to have a go at although he admitted he did not know what it was, it sounded filthy.
He was not sure if he would bother with the Skeleton as that didn't seem like much fun and was not going to bother with the Slalom because he wasn't into Jews. He might have an Individual Sprint, but he did that at home. The Figure Skating was a must and he said he simply had to get in with C Balding, whom Dent thought a great looking guy, and rub his bum all over that chin while having a Biathlon.
After being spotted groping competitors during the Mens Round Robin, Russian police approched Dent and asked if he was a sportsman. Dent immediately bent over and said, 'Give me the Mens Super Combined Discipline."
As he was dragged off he shouted,
'I say, what about a bit of Slopestyle then?'
SEVEN INCHES OF THUNDER AND THREE MILES OF RAIN HIT BASILDON.
Basildon was deluged with seven inches of thunder on Saturday night and on Sunday hit by three miles of rain.
Where the rain came from no one knows. Some people pointed to the sky, but they were laughed at. And where the seven inches of thunder came from only Gerard Pong knows, but will not tell anyone.
Some people have said that Somerset has been drowned in floods, but we don't believe it. Where is the body? Anyway, If anywhere is going to have the worse floods it is going to be Basildon. That is why the council have shipped in 16 million tons of water from Southend and dumped it on St Martins Church in a re-enactment of Moses.
A huge puddle has formed in Mrs Rose Brownoshes toilet, the only explanation is torrential pissing down. Her husband was swept away while sitting on the loo playing records. To prevent further damage they have put sandbags on the roof.
Other emergency actions have been enacted. Fire brigades will use sand hoses instead of water. Fire will be used to put the water out; everyone will wear guttering; and tramps will be used to dam-up holes. A hose pipe ban will be enforced in all local wet areas. People with broken windows are advised to place their face in the hole.
If you have wet washing, do not use it. Carry a rolled-up wet towel to slap people around the face if they refuse to get wet. If you hear thunder with a helmet packed with cement on then you are not going deaf. Remember, thunder cannot hurt you unless you have on 550volt headphones. If you are struck by lighting, move away as quickly as possible. If set on fire, call the Fire Brigade who will hose you down with sand. Do not stand under a tree unless it has fallen down. And, by no means open a door that has tons of water behind it.
The Bell Tower will be used to store emergency water in case of a drought. Bell ringers will have to wear frogman suits. In that case of an emergency the bells will be rang. The sound dulled because the bells are under water. But, keep your ears peeled.
The sky will be covered with tarpaulin but some water may get through so some people may suffer the Bends. If you see someone with the Bends, try to straighten them out.
BASILDON SPY CAMERAS UNDER SURVEILLANCE
The people of Basildon are deeply concerned about surveillance. The leaks by former BNP (Basildon Nosy Parkers)agent, Edward Snowdrift (17) show that widespread spying is prevalent everywhere and Basildon.Top Tory councillor Bob 'Bouncy' Ball set out measures to 'reign in' BNP. At a private meeting with our spy reporter Lips Dribbling in a secret closet at the back of Kats Gentleman's Club he whispered: -
"I'll have a large whiskey. Thanks. Now let's get down to brass tacks. Since the Bell Tower attack by El Kinda, a Wickford terrorist fraction, it was absolutely imperative to track them. We do no not know who they are, were they are, nor where they are. Who are they? Where are they? We don't know. They could be anybody and anywhere. Here, there and everywhere. They are so secret that we don't know anything, do you?"
Lips furtively removed his eyes from a Lap Top dancer who had come it to change and said,
"No."
"So, I set up the BNP find out. They went too far and I have to reign them in. All phone calls will henceforth be listened to by only deaf people and the recordings will not be held by the council, but in another place,
"Foreign intelligence will be collected only by people who can't understand foreign languages. Bulk collection will be collected only by people who are not bulky. Foreign citizens privacy rights will be broken only by people who are also foreign. Encryption will be decoded only by people who can't do the Sun Junior crossword. And, furthermore, security will be done only by people who are insecure."
Lips, who had been attentively nodding up until then, stopped nodding and asked,
"Where is this 'other place' where the massive data already collected will be stored?"
"That is secret, only known to people who can keep a secret. We struggled to find someone who could, but couldn't, so no one knows where the data is."
"But someone had to move the data to another place, surely they would know?"
"They are under constant surveillance 24/7. They and their family and friends and anyone they might know or get to know or who might know them."
"But that means thousands of people, possibly everyone on Earth."
"Yes, that is why I have set up another security agency, The RNP the Real Nosy Parkers. All spy cameras will be put under surveillance. A policeman will guard and listen in to all calls made from public telephones. Lip readers will look in windows. CCTV will be installed in everyone's eye socket - looking in. Farts will analysed."
"But who watches the watchers?" said Lips with his nose up a Lap Top dancers arsehole.
"Other watchers. This will created employment. Every one will watch everyone else. But to protect privacy and the civil liberties of our townsfolk, all civil liberties and
privacy will be abolished. This is the only way to keep people safe and free from dictatorship."
Councillor Ball then locked himself up with a deaf, dumb and blind Lap Top dancer who fell off the stage.
DISABLED MANS PARALYMPIC DREAM CRIPPLED.
Roger Cream (25) is disabled. He boasted that he would become a paralympic star. Now that dream is crippled. Like him.
Nine years ago Cream attempted to rob a pensioner at an ATM machine. The pensioner smashed him over the head with a Zimmer Frame. Bedridden for 6 months Cream refused to use a bedpan. A frustrated nurse tried to smother him with a pillow. Her attempt was crippled.
A hospital porter who was constantly ridiculed by Cream attacked him, punching the bed ridden youth in the face 57 times,the same number as beans in a can, before the porter was dragged off and incapacitated. Cream had a face like a rotten tomato for several weeks. The nurse and porter were sacked. It was during this time he squinted at the ParaOlympics and his dream was born.
After being discharged from hospital he began to train. Although confined to a wheel-chair Cream was determined. He raced down a steep hill in an attempt to beat the railway barriers at the bottom. He didn't. The barrier came down and caught him on the cranium. His wheel-chair toppled over and careened onto the track. A train hit him and he flew onto the station platform bowling over several commuters, one of whom was the pensioner he attempted to rob and by complete coincidence the nurse and porter. The three, much to the shock of other commuters, started to kick Cream.
Whilst in hospital for the second time Cream got leprosy. He underwent ten months of chemotherapy, and was looking forward to potentially representing Basildon. However, his arms fell off and there are no sports by which he can attain his enfeebled vision. But ever the optimist Cream said,
“It would be amazing to show people I am all better and hopefully inspire them. This is something to show people that you can get better and stronger after reduced to a stump.”
The last that was heard of Cream was he had won the Most Hideous Scarecrow competition in Wickford.
BASILDON POLITICAL EMPRESS SHOCK ROMANCE.
By Nancy Nicecake, gossip goose.
SENSATION! That is the only word that can be used to describe the revelation that two local celebrities are involved in a romantic affair that has shocked Basildon to its dregs.Empress Mo Larkingship and Old Man Stan are lovers!
The steamy affair has been going on behind closed council curtains for months. I caught up with Mo as she was switching off her mobile phone at a troop line dance.
I asked her where she met Stan.
"I was visiting the canteen at The George Hurd over 50's Centre to help serve hot meals when I first saw Stan. He was the Bingo caller and had just called 'Legs Eleven'. His voice made my Marks & Spencer panties elastic snap. I span round and there he was. My heart quickened, my pulse raced, and my Conservative Party card curled. All my normal upper crust decorum left me and I felt like a puppet on a string. Here was a man, a real man. Not like the men I normally meet, who are hollow and mere pawns. No, Stan had substance. I immediately ordered a fat lackey to introduce me to him. Councillor Ball was eager to oblige. He stopped eating a pensioners meal and went over to Stan.
"In order not to seem too interested I carried on with my speech telling the club members not to demonstrate about the closure of the Centres kitchen. Demonstrations were futile. Especially in a democratic society. They could all enjoy hot meals via my charity Age No Concern. Where all meals are priced at Capitalist levels. I had the diners enthralled. They were all looking at me with their mouths open."
Empress Mo, (had to interject, she was boring me grey.) is this when Stan responded to your introduction?
"No. Not quite. A disturbance erupted."
What kind of disturbance?
"Well, Stan seemed to take an immediate dislike to Ball and the toad landed on his back."
Stan hit him?
"No, no Stan is not like that. He may be a little rough around the edges, but he would not hurt a fly. I am convinced Ball fell over deliberately to gain attention. He is like that. No, Stanley is a gentleman. He came over to me and said something that swept me off my feet."
What was that?
"Hello Darling.", It was then I knew that I had met the man of my dreams. He invited me to dinner and I gladly accepted."
Where did you go? Pray tell.
"Manzies. An establishment well known throughout the Commonwealth, even to the Queen. I shall cherish that cuisine forever. It was on that night under a full moon Stan kissed me. Our romance developed rapidly and I was swept on a cloud of sensuous abandonment since."
I thanked The Empress for her candour and sought Stan to ask his experience of the romantic events. I found him at The Basildon Snooker Club.
He was in a serious game with deadly opponent Joe Lazarlash. One hundred pounds was at stake and Stan had to pot the black. Hush pervaded the hall. Stan took the shot and pocketed the ball. Joe took the loss well and apon handing over the bet kicked Stan up the arse.
Stan was surrounded by well-wishers, but I got his attention by screaming, "Free drinks at the Moon On The Square!"
Now the snooker hall was empty I asked Stan about his sizzling affair with Mo.
"Who?", he said, glancing steadily at my cleavage. "Oh, that old bag. I gave 'er a good seeing to, na she don't leave me alone. I'm married yur know. I'd never leave my old trouble an' strife. But 'er ladyship, Larkinfing won't leave me alone. I can't 'elp it if I got a big coc..."
I stopped Stan in mid-sentence and asked if he might buy me a huge gin. He did and after fiddling about with me for ten minutes (a necessary procedure if a girl has to get on in the newspaper reporting world) Stan blurted his experience.
"Mo is not a bad old chick, bit high and mighty, but good for a slap and tickle after a brandy or two. Know what I mean governor? Yus, we 'ad it off a coupla times, but nuffick to write 'ome abat. All I care abat is my old dutch, not some high strung floozy who finks she is the bees knees here abat. She keeps on 'er chain of office in bed. Quick to snap off 'er bra, but the chain, no one gets that ouf 'er. Wor's all the fuss abat?"
I told Stan that Basildon was in shock at the romance. In his inimitable way, Stan responded: -
"Well, tell Basildon to fuck offt!"
You heard it here first.
Well, readers, this story is another storm in a Gin bucket. Let Mo the Empress of Slight and Stan, the Emperor of Xmas go home to their respective homes and belly laugh about, well, as the Bard said, 'Much Ado About Nothing.'
DALEK FINALLY FINDS LONG LOST MOTHER.
A Dalek finally found it's long lost mother in Basildon.
It had travelled millions of light years far away from its home planet of Skaro. There the inhabitants known as the Kaled were invaded and incased and mutated into the Daleks, a mechanical slave race programmed to conquer the universe.
The evil intelligence that created them is yet to be seen by the people of Earth. Only the Earth people known as Basildonians had a race memory and subconsciously created a likeness, known as The Bell Tower. This shell resemblance has dominated the landscape of Basildon for years unknown to the inhabitants of it's true nature and origin.
Yet one man did. He was the local vicar, known as Abe the Absconder. He envisioned a structure with bells that would ring out sending a signal across the sky, up into space in the hope that it would one day reach the ears of the aliens known only to a few. Those who belong to the Cult of Skaro.
These Cults can be seen every night in local pubs. Shouting and fighting and drinking unaware their behaviour is Dalek. Talk to one and you will be met with an incomprehensible barrage of Sun reader regurgitation.
"Exterminate Bongos, Polish and Socialists!" they cry in subconscious delirium. And with their orange face women frenziedly dance until a state of hatred overwhelms and they lash out at anyone who does not come from the East End. And woe betide anyone who speaks a longer word than 'Exterminate'.
Sometimes a Time Lord will enter a Basildon pubic house. He will say, "May I have a clean glass please?" A shout will permeate the air - "Ban the cunt!" A temporal shift will happen and everyone will rush to bolt the doors. No one can escape. Strangers will be subjected to endless stories about the London Blitz and how dockers were the best people on Earth and the Krays were gentlemen.
The bar staff will serve like Cybermen who have not been oiled. The managers will act as if Lords of the Universe and repeat ad nauseous "Not in my pub." Then allow the kitchen to go unclean until a stink so powerful that it is like walking into a tramps mattress.
Yet, across the universe the bells rang. Until the sound fell apon the ears of one Dalek. It turned and headed for the source of the sound. Abandoned at youth and encased in metal it was alone until today.
When you look at the Bell Tower, you will see beside it a small object. Alone it has travelled far to reach parental love.
So, Basildonians, let us all rejoice in the knowledge we are not alone. There are other Cults out there.
PAUL BUMSINGE ARRESTED IN OPERATION ARSESTUMP
Basildon broadcaster Paul Bumsinge has been arrested on suspicion of historical clitoris interference as part of Scotland Yard's Operation Arsestump.
Mr Bumsinge, 64, was arrested at his home in Vange early on Tuesday and assaulted in police custody, before being released by ambulance. He is on bail until January.
April Underage (15) spokeschild for Mr Bumsinge said he denied the allegations.
The Echoing newspaper said Mr Bumsinge would not be presenting his Saturday Gateway FM show for the "coming 16 years".
"Bumsinge has decided that, in light of today's media gossip, he would rather not be on-air at present and we respect that decision," a Gateway FM toad said.
"Therefore, Paul will not be presenting his "Hits Of 1834" on radio in coming weeks and a replacement programme about grooming underage girls will be announced in brown envelopes soon."
Wickford-born Mr Bumsinge, who has a string of heavy breathing phone calls and filthy text messages to his name, presents music from the 18th century and classics from Swaziland on his show.
He was due to present a 30-minute documentary for Gateway FM about the music world's reaction to the death of Jimmy Sickvile, to coincide with the perverts anniversary of his death.
Mr Bumsinge's spokesgirl said: "Sugerdaddy Paul was interviewed by Operation Arsestump e-officers about historic fiddling about. He answered their questions with his nose on a fist and was dreamingly co-operative. He threw himself at the cell wall when trying to deny all allegations."
Mr Bumsinge is the millionth pervert to be held under Operation Arsestump, launched in the wake of the Jimmy Sickvile scandal.
A leering person, aged 74, who has not been named as Bert Cock was also arrested at an unknown address in the middle of 4 and 8 Long Riding, Basildon, and booted.
Operation Arsestump has been investigating historical sexual offences since claims of abuse were made against former DJ and Shell suit wearer Sickvile, following his death at the age of 84 in 2011.
Mr Bumsinge was arrested under the strand of the inquiry known as "weird others", meaning the arrest is not connected to the investigation into jam.
The other two strands of Arsestump concern the actions of Sickvile Stroking, Small Bum Handling and Behind The Bikeshed Bursting.
 INVOICE
Date: October 10, 2013 Invoice #[100] |
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Basildon Bastard Burns Co. 101 Gas Grove Basildon 01268 502424 Fax 123456789-match profit@utility.com |
To |
Mr. Y Twat 2 Whom Concerned Street
Basildon SS16 MI7 Customer ID [ABC12345] |
SHIP TO |
Thailand Bangkok 1 Shag Ave] YUP HER2 Customer ID [ABC12345] |
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job |
payment terms |
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Gas & Electricity |
Due on Receipt |
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Finance charge on overdue balance at 6000,000,001% |
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Invoice #100 for £162,000 on 10.09.2013 |
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To Home owner; Flat tenant; and soon to be Tent dweller this is your current bill for Gas & Electricity charges.
As you know via the impartial reporting of the UK mainstream media Basildon Barstard Burns utilities have been forced to increase prices by the above amount due to any reason we give.
We hold all our customers in the highest regard and regret the financial burden brought upon you by factors outside our control, which have nothing whatsoever to do with ‘Frankinprofits'., as some consumer organizations have labeled them.
Indeed our profits are only 1% of the overall tariff of meter units per square pound of vacuum inches multiplied by a squakle of vaporous magnitudes.
As expected this winter will be cold. We are very concerned about this and that is why we are moving our head office to Miami. But do not worry about this; you will be able to contact our zero hour staff on a sex call line at the cheapest telephone rate of £10 pound a second. Here our dedicated staff will listen to your fuel concerns whilst filing their nails You can blame illegal immigrants and the Arab Spring for all your troubles. Do not phone or write to your MP, Such actions will be considered as a Terrorist act and will be punishable by 50 years imprisonment and/or the death of a pet. New technology is on the way. SuperSmart energy meters are to be installed in all UK dwellings by 2015. The SSM’s will be able to video record all living room bedroom and toilet activity. This will stop your neighbors; friends and family from spying on you. As a responsible citizen report them to the Government is they so much as fart.
Pay this bill via Credit Card, Direct Debit or Suicide. . |
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total due |
£162,000.01 |
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Basildon is to send military bombs to Syria purely as advisors and not to kill anyone.
Basildon council has promised to reinvent the town centre from an empty and ghostly place at night into a place of gaiety. This remains to be seen. Doubt pervades.
Top model and Big Boobs magazine columnist Denise Van-Mannequin (38-24-34) has voluntarily spewed forth the news that
she this time is going to obstreperously divorce Britain’s Got Talent watcher Leigh On-Speed. 
The inspections of the notorious death camp Basildon Hospital are to be tougher, firmer and harder. 
B
Basildon's supply of electricity comes from it's nuclear plant. The instillation has been kept a secret from Balisdon people for 30 years. Detected by an American spy satellite 'PRISIM' it will now have to go.