Wikipedia: autofellatio selfies and one man’s quest to become the Face of Ambivalence

Whilst most of Wikipedia is dry to the point of appearing to have been written by an alien or sociopathic serial killer, you don’t have to dig very far to find a deep vein of digital lunacy…

Particularly entertaining are the discussions surrounding images, especially those concerning human sexuality or anatomy. Wherever possible Wikipedia tries to use copyright free images to illustrate articles – where none exist, users sometimes resort to making their own contributions.

Quite literally, in the case of the page about semen:

Right, whoever uploaded this picture asserts that they are its creator. Therefore, whoever uploaded this picture has masturbated onto a piece of glass and photographed the results for the world to see. Call me crazy, call me old fashioned, but isn’t that incredibly creepy?

And there’s a certain kind of Wikipediaphile for whom life’s highest goal is to be immortalised in photographic form on the site. And there is often fierce competition.

Even if that means taking pictures of your dick and putting them on the internet:

Or showing off snaps of you performing autofellatio on yourself:

Yes, there are multiple people who decided it was a good idea to:

  1. suck their own penis
  2. take a photograph of themselves sucking their own penis
  3. get into an argument on the internet about whether their photograph of themselves sucking their own penis is more encyclopaedic than anyone else’s.

But don’t worry, ladies! It’s not just about dicks and their dicks

The page for “Pearl necklace (sexuality)” has a delightful photo, described as:

Image of ejaculate on a woman’s neck, known in sexual slang as a pearl necklace. Made in a private session. We are a couple like many others, not “pro”, so get this photo “as is”.

Some users found this a bit tacky, but others disagree:

That is your opinion, but I don’t find it “tacky” at all. On the contrary, it is a very nice and encyclopedic photograph

…of jism on a neck.

There are some gaps: no-one’s deigned to provide a picture of the rusty trombone for example

Which is, apparently, a combination of anilingus and a handjob. There’s no photographic evidence of a Dirty Sanchez, either.

When there was a debate about what image should be used on the page about masturbation, a man called Trevor helpfully stepped up:

I think I just solved your dilemma. Instead of using offensive, pornographic images, I’ve uploaded an enactment/demonstration of the posture. It’s better than the drawings and doesn’t have the taboo of showing someone masturbating.

But Trevor’s moment in the sun was brief. The ‘Face of Masturbation’ these days is Richiex, who’s even provided a handy (LOL) video!

After extensive field research into Wikipedia’s vain oddballs, UsVsTh3m writer Ed decided to become one of them

Not quite willing to go full trombone, becoming an illustration of human sexuality seemed out. But becoming the face of a human emotion seemed like a lower bar to reach.

For instance, happiness is represented by this picture of someone’s Peruvian granddad:

And so, for a brief, glorious window of time, Ed became the face of… Ambivalence

After a few days of fame, the swift and merciless hand of Wikipedia editor SQGibbon came down, and the picture was removed:

For the life of me I cannot see how that facial expression is unambiguously a look of ambivalence […] I’ve seen many instances where people just want to get funny pictures of themselves or their friends into Wikipedia regardless of the editorial value of those images. Not saying this is happening here but it’s a pattern I’ve seen before.


Full text of the subsequent, prolonged argument between Ed, SQGibbon and various third-parties is available here.

Of course, there’s only one way to guarantee that your face will have Wikipedia immortality: invent Wikipedia


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