Cameron to appoint new Personal Hygiene Czar

Concern about declining standards of personal hygiene have inspired David Cameron's Coalition government to appoint a Personal Hygiene and Cleanliness Supervisor who will advise Britons on how to get the most out of their Personal Hygiene and Cleanliness routines, especially when they use the loo.

"One of the problems associated with toilet use is that people tend to consider it a private moment in their lives in which the government has no business whatsoever," said the Prime Minister, yesterday, proudly deploying the word "toilet" lest anyone imagine he had been expensively-educated. "But we intend to change that. Without proper government scrutiny, we cannot be at all sure that people are wiping their bottoms properly or not dribbling on the seat or remembering to pull up their flies. The social consequences of this could be horrendous, especially in the run-up to the Olympics when the eyes of the world will be on Britain. We want to send out a clear message: skid marks have no place in the Big Society."

Though David Cameron has attracted mockery from some quarters over the appointment of what cynics have christened the Poo-Poo and Wee-Wee Czar, he is adamant that it will give the British economy just the fillip it needs as it teeters on the brink of a new Great Depression. "No it will, really. Every street in Britain will have a Personal Hygiene Co-ordinator who will report directly to the Department of Cleanliness, which will create at least ten million new 'Brown Jobs'.'

Mr Cameron insists that the scheme will be entirely self-financing and will not cost ordinary taxpayers a penny. "It's brilliant. There's this guy, right, that I, like, read about when I did PPE at Oxford and what you do is you just print extra money and all your problems just disappear into the future by which time you're dead so you don't notice. All the world's top economists like Ben Bernanke and Paul Krugman say it really works and it doesn't cause inflation or anything bad like that and even if it does your massive house in Witney or wherever just goes up and up and up."

Mr Cameron added that the Department of Cleanliness's shiny new headquarters in Mayfair would be paid for by a special supertax on "hedge funders, filthy rich entrepreneurs, City types, oligarchs and other fat cat capitalist running dog lackeys," as well as from the proceeds from a new fairground attraction where members of the public can pay £120 to hit golf balls on a range at Mr (formerly Sir) Fred Goodwin. His chancellor, George Osborne, defended the decision yesterday against the suggestion that this might be seen as in some way anti-business and anti-growth.

"Anyone who thinks that is a total economic illiterate. And I should know because I've been on a bloody great yacht with Oleg Deripaska and Nat Rothschild. They know about money and stuff cos they're really rich and though they didn't actually say this because they were too busy being beaten in the sauna with birch twigs by men in pointy hats the impression I got is this: rich people around the world are desperate to do more good in society and have more of their money spent on their behalf by the government. We estimate that by raising the upper band tax rate to 70p, the number of rich people wanting to come to Britain will increase by at least 50 per cent boosting revenues up to 10000 per cent. Mr Cable has done the figures and he's a real whizz. It's a little-known fact which he doesn't like to boast about, but he actually saw the 2007 crash coming, you know."

Mr Cameron admitted yesterday he'd got the idea for the new department from his Health Minister Anne Milton. "When I saw her proposal to solve the problem of teen drinking by encouraging the breweries to water down their beer, I just thought: 'Genius!' I mean, for years Britain has been held back by the kind of selfish 'me, me, me' attitude whereby people think they should be free to spend their own money and do more or less what they want to so long as it's "legal" and what this means is that everything gets frightfully messy and hard to control. What Anne has made me appreciate is that there's no area of private life to which the state can't make a real, benchmarked difference if it put its mind to it. And that's why, I've created another new Department of Blue Sky Thinking which even now is working on new ways for the government to solve everything. We're thinking a Tooth-Flossing Czar, a Fashion Advice Czar, an Organic Vegetables Czar, a Bee-Keeping Czar. Hugh's very interested because he's a mate who was, like, at School with me. But so's Jamie and Jamie wasn't even at School, which gives you an idea of the breadth of popular appeal some of these ideas have."

But what about the accusation that this was more Nanny Statism of the most intrusive kind? "And what's so wrong with Nannies?" asked Cameron. "Mine was top hole. She used to be Harold Macmillan's and if it wasn't for her I still wouldn't know to this day that you never, but never, use a fish knife when eating pike in May. Well, not unless you've caught it with a dry fly, obviously."