Firstly, how amazing is this photo by the talented Julia Busato? It's part of her beautiful mannequin series that I'm so proud to say I'm included in. I spent a day in her eclectic work space in awe of her presence. You know when you meet someone and it just feels completely right and comfortable? That's Julia. That giant grin was probably in 90% of my photos because all you can do is smile around her, especially when you're naked and she's covering you in pieces of kale. Yes we did that! Find Julia on Wordpress or Instagram to work with her.
Amy what happened are you okay? Are you still blogging? A question I've gotten lately and I wasn't sure how to answer. If you send me a message over the past few months, I want you to know I appreciate your love and concern. I'm so sorry that I wasn't in the right frame of mind to respond to you.
The last time I updated candidly about my life I was having surgery. I wasn't sure how much or if I wanted to share until I was sure what was going on. I found out last year I had precancerous cells on my cervix. Since I'm treating my auto-immune disease with immunosupppresants my body wasn't doing so well. The cells advanced quickly because of my lowered immune system and I required a more invasive procedure.
To say the least the process was not only painful but very emotionally trying. I blamed myself and my weight for all of my health issues. With all the negative thoughts, I started relapsing back into an eating disordered state of mind. Food started to become the enemy again. I became very militant about what I allowed myself to eat and it truly terrified me because that hasn't been me in a long time.
Blogging and having an online presence was weighing heavily on me. Especially being a fat vegan. I'm always trying to be completely honest about my experience and advocate for body positivity the best I know how. There are so many lovely people who support me and appreciate what I share. Of course that comes with combating negative comments from every angle. To share your heart and soul on the internet means you need a very positive state of mind. You need to be looking out for yourself constantly. As my surgery date approached and I became more sick my self care regime dwindled and I simply couldn't take care of my mental state as well as I had been.
I started allowing the negative thoughts creep in. Maybe I am setting a bad example. Maybe I'm just lazy and that's why I can't figure out how to fully recover. Maybe if I really did love my body I would lose the fucking weight already. All these things that people had said to me over the past year. It pains me to admit that I allowed the hurtful comments outweigh the beautiful sentiments I received. I couldn't stand how ashamed I felt, knowing here I am promoting "body positivity". What a fucking hypocrite I am, I thought.
The most hurtful comment was "Why don't you go back to bulimia because you obviously can't lose the weight any other way." That comment cut so deep, and it sent me over the edge. It's been the one thing I've been proud of over the past few years. It's been the one thing I've kept in check and always told myself I'd never go back to.
When I saw the picture in this post it was so cathartic, I cried and cried. It was me. Beautiful, beaming and happy. It captured my spirit entirely. I thought how could you tell that girl, emanating happiness with a smile so big it could light up the entire sky, that she should go back to the depths of depression? That it would be more acceptable to everyone around her if she took up less space to make them comfortable. That being severely mentally ill, suicidal and constantly purging any food she took in to be thin, is somehow more acceptable than this fat happy version of herself. I know people say that my fat is killing me but I promise you that other girl, the girl I used to be, she was already dead inside.
After things like this happen, I can appreciate how important a healthy mindset really is. I fully understand why I put my mental state in the forefront of my priorities, because if I don't everything falls apart. I know I'll find my way but it won't be through dieting and eating disordered behaviors. I've worked so hard to get to where I am today and I refuse to move backward.
Phew that was long! Oh my gosh! I'm so happy to be writing again and sharing my life experience through social media. I realized how much I love interacting with you and hearing your stories. I realized how much I LOVE food and making new exciting things to devour. Most of all I realized how much I love me, because you know I'm pretty cool.
Please feel free to send me a message or leave a comment. It makes my day hearing from you!